On a business trip, my father approached a security check point at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard in full uniform was in line in front of him. As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector.
Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to the security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through.
Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets. “Sorry Sir, but this item is prohibited,” security said to the soldier. Taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
In the early 1990’s, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary,
“Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle.”
Two soldiers were in a local cafe one day when the first soldier said, “I feel like telling that jerk first sergeant where to go again.”
“What do you mean by again?” asked the other GI.
“I felt like it yesterday too.”
SERGEANT: “Tell me, soldier, what is the first thing you do when cleaning a rifle?”
PRIVATE: “I take a look at the serial number.”
SERGEANT: “Why do you look at the number, meathead?”
PRIVATE: “To make darn sure I’m cleaning my own rifle.”
Every war makes a soldier change nearly all of his ideas, except his opinions of the officers.
GENERAL: “Soldier, why didn’t you salute me? Do you know what this star on my shoulder means?”
ROOKIE: “Yep! It means you did good in school today.”
Back from a 20-mile hike, one GI said to another, “My feet are barking so much, they sound like feeding time in the dog pound.”
The other soldier nodded slowly. “Mine too. Whoever said an Army travels on it’s stomach had a poor judgment of anatomy.”
A gal was out with a soldier when she pointed to the stripe on his arm and asked, “What does P.F.C. mean?”
The soldier answered, “Praying For Civilians.”
A soldier was back home after spending nine months in the Army. His mother asked, “How is the food in the Army?”
Her son replied, “Real bad, Mom. Why some times I could only go back for seconds.”
An M.P. had just finished his meal in the mess hall when the mess sergeant asked him, “Have you tried the meatballs?”
The soldier answered, “Yeah! And I found them guilty.”
SERGEANT: “Remember, soldier, your rifle is your best friend.”
SOLDIER: “That’s right, Sarge. So don’t ask me to fire a pal.”
The visitor from space said to the Earthling, “If I had a thousand soldiers, and you have a thousand soldiers, and we had a war, who would win?”
The Earth man said, “I don’t know. I give up.”
And the space man said, “Then I win – you just gave up!”
Q: What’s the difference between a dirty diaper and a soldier doing KP?
A: One’s on mess duty, and the other’s just doing duty.
soulja – n. a ghetto soldier
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said “Kramer, your grandmother died.”
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, “You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.”
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor’s grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, “Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!”