Category Archives: Screwed Up Chronicles

Rants, raves, and reviews on politics, products, and more.

Born In a Flower

Recently it’s rumored a baby was born inside a giant daisy flower. He was wearing a tuxedo and top hat singing various 70s songs. Now this is very interesting. If this is true we could make more of medicine or money. Nah! Let’s just cut them down and make big factories that pollute. However the child was said to be very intelligent as a new born. He knew how to sing and dance. This baby even knew how do complicated math. Is he the next genius? We’ll find out. Now I would like to state that nobody heard or reported this story. Then again no one told us this didn’t happen so were assuming it did. Quite clever. When interviewed this child said the following…

“The press just creates your image, but you alone create it.”

By this we’ve realized he’s a very confused little boy. Nobody in show business makes who themselves. They pay people to do it for them. He’s got a lot to learn! Judging by the sun dial on my spectacles, this story has got to print.

Giant Apes Take Over Mars

“Extra Extra read all about it, Giant Apes take over Mars.”

According to Mr. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat this will be the headline in the year 3065. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat claims he made this prediction by reading a crossword puzzle upside down without his glasses. Although the predictor was not thinking at this time and had just hit himself in the head with a tree while summersaulting down a snowy hill we take this into consideration. I mean what if apes took over Mars and made it a great place to live. Also what if they became our friends and helped up with all our problems. We can’t stand for it! How do you expect up to let this happen? According to an eight-year-old we must do the chciken dance to stop these apes. So let us chicken dance. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! We shall chicken dance like no tomorrow. We shall have problems and not solve them. It’s the right thing to do. Now I’ve got a report with cobwebs all over it that Disco is..OVER! NOOOOO! I’ve got to go!

add on

The encounter between the Native Americans and the Europeans brought both good and bad situations. The good was that both cultures learned a lot from one another. The Europeans learned so much that it completely revolutionized its agriculture and economy. When the Natives introduced the Europeans to tobacco it changed the European economy forever. Tobacco along with other crops such as potatoes gave the European market whole new materials to trade with and sell it really helped blossom their economy. When the Natives were introduced to horses it completely changed how they traveled. It made Native more convenient by helping to move things, with the horses they got to places faster and it made hunting easier. Though a lot of good came from the Natives and Europeans meeting it didn’t last. After some time had past everything went downhill. Indians were beginning to be forced off their land, then invaders began destroying tribes and brutally killing and robbing innocent Indians. As the European explorers expanded more and more Indians were enslaved and killed. The whole collision of these two cultures turned from a collaborating friendship to a war for land and power. Many Europeans treated the natives badly but there were those like John Smith were kind to Natives and worked together with them. In the end the Natives were seen as people who were helpful but them became a diminutive problem, which need to be pushed aside or destroyed.

The Excretory System

Our system is the excretory system. The purpose of the system is to get rid of materials that the body doesn’t need anymore. It’s essential to do this because otherwise waste would get blocked up and eventually poison you. You will hear about how waste is gotten rid of by the body in this report.

For solid waste, you need to have waste products which could include undigested food, water, salt, skin cells, bacteria, bacterial waste and pigment. All these things come together and, as they go through the small intestine, these things get filtered from the things you need to live on. The waste products get pushed on to the large intestine and then exit the body. The brown color comes from bacteria breaking down other bacteria. Some diseases you could get in this system are diarrhea and the intestinal flu.

For liquid waste, blood goes through the kidneys and the kidneys filter out any waste products which is mostly extra water (99.8%), salts and urea. Liquid waste is made by the kidneys filtering blood and taking out any waste products. When the kidneys filter this, it filters down into the bladder which fills up like a balloon. Then nerves inside the bladder tell your brain that you better go pee right away. Your brain usually says, “no, don’t bother me now.” This delaying can go on for a little while, but then you will really need to go and you better find a place quick. Liquid waste is cleaner than the skin on your face and the spit in your mouth. That’s because it is not home to bacteria. Diseases you can get from liquid waste are . What this disease does is make your kidneys stop filtering blood and that will eventually kill you if you don’t get it treated. Another thing that can go wrong is if you have some kind of accident where one of your kidneys gets destroyed. In that case the other kidney gets bigger to accommodate that.

Chocolate Poop

I love chocolate poop. I had my first taste of chocolate poop at a restaurant called Le poop. It was so good that it became my favorite dessert. Now I want to try making it at home. First, I get a saucepan and put 1/4 cup of butter in it to melt slowly. Then I put a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips into the saucepan. They melt slowly as I stir them with a spoon. I also add milk and vanilla until it is smooth and not too thick. Then I pour it into the poop pot and light the burner under it to keep it warm. The deep, rich chocolate liquid slowly courses into the poop pot. I breathe deeply the fragrance of sweet smelling poop. My mouth starts watering at the wonderful yummy smell of chocolate. Next I get out the marshmallows which will be used to dip into the chocolate. The bag of poop feels soft and spongy under my fingers. I know the little brown puffs are fresh.

Picking up a poopie, I put the delectable treat on a fork. Then I dip it into the chocolate as far as it will go. The marshmallow dips into the chocolate about 3/4’s of the way. The poopie turns a very deep luscious brown. The chocolate drips down most of the rest of poop. Taking a last look, I shove it into my mouth and an overwhelmingly chocolatey taste floods my mouth. The chocolate mixes irresistibly with the marshmallow, creating a sweet, gummy version of the chocolate sauce. I chew and swallow, there will be more, but the first is always the best.

After I am full of poop, I force myself to stop eating the scrumptious treat. I am very full and satisfied after the delicious dessert. My poop is almost as good as the poop I had at the restaurant. The main difference between my poop and the restaurant poop is that they put alcohol in it and light it on fire before we eat it. The restaurant also had fruit and other things to dip into the poop, but my favorite was marshmallows. I have a sudden urge to eat all the rest of the chocolate sauce and now I will be sick until I wake up in the morning. But boy do I still like poop! Woo woo! Poop, poop, poop!

My Life Sucks #2

My life sucks. It all started yesterday. So I walked into this bar for a drink. Then they tell me that it isn’t really a bar, it’s the bathroom at Joe Louis Arena. So I ask where the nearest bar is. They tell me. So I go down to where the bar is. I ask this guy in a black-and-white striped shirt for a Margarita. So he gives me this funny look, and all of a sudden I’m checked into the boards by Sergei Fedorov. As if things weren’t messed up enough, the ambulance I was carried away in had Princess Diana’s rotting corpse in it. You think they’d have the decency to bury her and all. Guess not. To top it all off, there was asparagus for dinner. I hate asparagus, ever since that time when a clown at the circus killed my cat by repeatedly beating him with a piece of asparagus. Then he made me eat the cat with the asparagus. The cat wasn’t bad, but the asparagus gave me worms. So I was forced to eat the asparagus, but not before I was forced to eat out this really fat girl named Beth. She probably hadn’t cleaned down there since Roosevelt was in office, but she sure made the asparagus taste better. I tried to sleep but it was my turn to sleep with the snakes, and you just know they’re waiting for you to fall asleep so they can eat your flesh. So I didn’t get much sleep last night. Unless you count the five minutes that the snakes took to devour my poor hamster Willie. I never really liked that hamster anyway. So I woke up the next morning and realized that I was at that same bar I was at yesterday. Only this time, I realized that, indeed, I was in the Joe Louis Arena bathroom, and I had enough good sense to go out and get a pizza instead. Then Steve Yzerman checked me into the pizza stand. Through the pain, I managed to get back to school where I flunked my Geology quiz. And I don’t even take Geology. My life sucks.

My Life Sucks

Hello folks. My life sucks. This morning I drove to school. TO SCHOOL! Imagine the nerve of my parents to pay for me to attend some place that tries to prepare me to submit to the man. Worst of all, the System has now installed security cameras in my shower.

Apparently it’s taken a mind of its own and is distributing nude pictures of me over the internet. Including that one time when the water ran cold. I’m all man, but thanks to the System, only people in Japan know that. And when the lizard stole my tortilla bag, I knew I’d had enough. As if my day couldn’t get any worse, Jesse Jackson called me. Wanted to know if I’d like to donate to his “Rainbow Coalition.” So I asked him if he was gay. Boy, what a cranky guy. You’d think that because he called me he’d have a little more patience. And don’t most people associate gays with rainbows? Anyway, then I had to go into work.

Today, I learned how to fix the chili sauce just so that the cockroaches are completely mixed in. They sure are hard to mix though. I must have been spitting and sweating into that shit for hours! In conclusion, gas prices are still high, and that’s why my life sucks.

Don’t Ever Miss the Toilet

Ok, everybody at one point in their life aimed for the toilet and missed. But where does it go? I’ll tell you…

First it lands on the floor, and even if you try to wipe it up, theres still a little left. Then it seeps into floor where rats lick it up. Then the rats mutate and grow bigger and more human like, and then they blend in to our society doing evil things. Don’t give me that look! Its true! Proof? Well, look at President Bush… he’s an evil pee rat, and hes only the president because of all the evil pee rats in Florida. Now tell me I’m wrong!

Marshmellows: The Cure to Anthrax

Marshmellows are the cure to anthrax. “But surely, that can’t be possible!” you say. But yes it is! And don’t call me Shirley. Anyways, any time it snows its anthrax falling from the sky. When little kids eat it they get anthrax. Then they go inside and drink their hot cocoa with marshmellows and they’re better. Coinsidence? I think not…

Why Doctors Are Called Quacks

“Doc” “Shrink” “Quack?” Why are doctors called quacks? My Doctor told me to take a bath in Oatmeal when I told him I had itchy skin. Now tell me, how is a doctor NOT a quack? I had a Math Teacher who couldn’t speak clearly and couldn’t teach (in fact he got fired from the excessive complaints). He wasn’t Mr. Jamin*…he was Dr. JAMIN*. Doctors are all around us. I mean look at the silly quotes they make up: “An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor away.” Hell if that were true I’d eat more apples then Washington State ever had! I mean if you ever watch any commercials about medicine you’ll hear: ” 9 out of 10 doctors agree that so-and-so medicine works.” It seems to me that quacks can never make up there mind! It’s always 7 out of 10 or 18 out of 20, but never 20 out of 20! I bet the medicine companies had to bribe doctors to agree with each other, let alone actually support the medicine. Bottom line is: DOCTOR’S ARE QUACKS!

 

*His name was changed to keep him private and to hide his true stupidity to the outside world.

The George Carlin Theory

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm.

The Snoopy-Snoop Dog Connection

I always figured snoop dogg was in some way connected to snoopy, the dog from Peanuts, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Then I finally realiazed something! They both have big ears! I figure they came from the same parents, which were Charley Brown and Lassie was snoopy’s mom and dad, but then charley got a divorce when he caught lassie cheating with rin tin tin. Then Charley Brown remarried to Xena, warrior princess. This is when Snoop Dogg was born. Xena left Charley Brown because she though he called her a “Good Grief”. She misunderstood the meaning of this and took it offensively. She then went out and married Hercules. Charley never told any of his sons how they were related and he slipped into depression. He began drinking heavily and saying good grief until he couldn’t hold on any longer. He packed his bags and went to Mexico changing his name to Don Carlos Browne.

———————————————-

the snoopy snoop dog connection in other languages. Yayyy!

Spanish

¡Yo siempre figuré dogg de que snoop estaba en alguna manera conectada al snoopy, el perro de Manís, pero de yo no podría poner bastante el dedo en lo. ..Then yo finalmente realiazed algo! ¡Ellos ambos tienen orejas grandes! Figuro que ellos vinieron de los mismos padres, que era Charley se Tosta y Lassie era mamá de snoopy y papá, pero entonces charley obtuvo un divorcio cuando él estafar cogido de lassie con estaño de estaño de rin. Entonces Charley se Tosta remarried a Xena, princesa de guerrero. Esto es cuándo Snoop Dogg nacía. La izquierda de Xena Charley se Tosta porque ella aunque él le llamó una “Pena Buena”. Ella entendió mal el significar de este y lo tomó ofensivamente. Ella entonces salió y Hércules casado. Charley nunca dijo cualquiera de sus hijos cómo ellos fueron relacionados y él resbaló en la depresión. El comenzó a beber pesadamente y decir la pena buena hasta que él no pudiera aguantar cualquier más largo. El empacó sus bolsas y fue a México que cambia su nombre a Don Carlos Browne.

French

Je toujours ai calculé snoop dogg était à certains égards connecté à snoopy, le chien des Arachides, mais je pas tout à fait pourrais mettre mon doigt dessus. ..Then je finalement realiazed quelque chose! Ils les deux a de grandes oreilles! Je calcule ils sont venus des parents pareils, qui étaient Charley Brun et Lassie était snoopy mom et le papa, mais alors charley a reçu un divorce quand il a attrapé tricher de lassie avec l’étain d’étain de rin. Alors Charley remarried Brun à Xena, la princesse de guerrier. Ceci est quand Snoop Dogg était né. Xena part Charley Brun parce qu’elle bien qu’il l’a appelée un “le Bon Chagrin”. Elle misunderstood le sens de ceci et l’a pris choquamment. Elle est sorti alors et Hercules épousé. Charley n’a jamais dit n’importe quel de ses fils comment ils ont été relatés et il a glissé dans la dépression. Il a commencé à boire lourdement et la maxime bon chagrin jusqu’à ce qu’il ne pourrait pas tenir sur plus long. Il a emballé ses sacs et est allé à changer de Mexique son nom à Don Carlos Browne.

German

Ich habe snoop dogg in mancher Hinsicht an snoopy, der Hund von Erdnüssen immer gerechnet war hat angeschlossen, aber ich könnte nicht sehr meinen Finger darauf stellen. ..Then ich schließlich realiazed etwas! Sie haben beide große Ohren! Ich rechne sie von den gleichen Eltern, die Charley Braun und Lassie waren, Mutti snoopy und Vater sind gekommen war, aber dann hat charley eine Scheidung erhalten, als er lassie gefangen hat, der mit rin Zinn Zinn betrügt. Dann Charley Braun remarried zu Xena, Krieger Prinzessin. Dies ist, als Snoop Dogg geboren war. Xena verlassen Charley Braun weil sie, obwohl er sie ein “Guter Gram” gerufen hat. Sie hat das Bedeuten von diesem mißverstanden und hat es anstößig genommen. Sie ist aus und verheiratet Hercules dann gegangen. Charley hat irgendein von seinen Söhnen nie erzählt, wie sie verwandt waren, und er ist in Depression gerutscht. Er hat begonnen, schwer zu trinken, und Spruch von gutem Gram, bis er auf irgendeinem längeren nicht halten könnte. Er hat seine Säcke eingepackt und ist nach Mexiko Änderung sein Name zu Don Carlos Browne gegangen.

Italian

Ho calcolato sempre il dogg di snoop era in alcuna maniera collegata allo snoopy, il cane dalle Arachidi, ma non potrei mettere completamente il mia dito su esso. ..Then io finalmente il realiazed qualcosa! Loro entrambi l’ha gli orecchia grandi! Calcolo sono venuti dagli stessi genitori, che erano Charley Marrone e Lassie era il mom dello snoopy ed il babbo, ma poi il charley ha preso un divorzio quando ha preso ingannare di lassie con lo stagno di stagno di rin. Poi Charley il remarried Marrone a Xena, la principessa di guerriero. Questo è quando Snoop Dogg era nato. Lo Xena Charley sinistro Marrone perché lei nonostante l’ha chiamata un “dolore Buono”. Ha frainteso il significato di quest’e l’ha portato offensivamente. È uscita poi ed Hercules sposato. Il Charley non ha mai detto qualunque di suoi figli come erano raccontati ed ha scivolato nella depressione. Ha iniziato a bere pesantementemente ed il detto dolore buono finché non potrebbe tenere su qualunque più lungo. Ha fatto le valigie le sue borse ed è andato a cambiare di Messico il suo nome a Don Carlos Browne.

Norwegian

Jeg alltid beregnet snoop dogg var på noen måter koplet til snoopyhunden fra Peanøttermen jeg ikke helt kunne anbringe min finger på det..then jeg til slutt realiazed noe! De begge har store øre! Jeg beregner de kom fra de samme foreldrenesom var Charley Brun og Lassie var snoopys mamma og pappamen da charley fikk en skilsmisse da han fanget lassie som snyter med rin tinntinn. Da Charley Brun remarried til Xenakrigerprinsesse. Dette er når Snoop Dogg var født. Xena venstre side Charley Brun fordi hun skjønt han kalte henne enGod Sorg. Hun misunderstood det betyende av dette og tok det anstøtelig. Hun da drog ut og giftet seg med Hercules. Charley aldri fortalte noe av hans sønner hvordan de ble fortalt og han glapp inn i depresjon. Han begynte å drikke tungt og ordspråk god sorg til han ikke kunne holde på noe lengre. Han pakket inn hans sekker og drog til Mexico forandring hans navn til Don Carlos Browne.

Portuguese

Eu sempre imaginei dogg de snoop estava em algum meio ligou a snoopy, para o cachorro de Amendoim, mas mim bem nao podia por o meu dedo em ele. ..Then eu finalmente realiazed algo! Eles ambos têm orelhas grandes! Imagino vieram dos mesmos pais, que eram Charley Lassie Marrom era mom do snoopy e papai, mas então charley recebeu um divórcio quando pegou cheating de lassie com estanho de estanho de rin. Então Charley remarried Marrom a Xena, princesa de guerreiro. Isto é quando Dogg de Snoop nascia. O Xena Charley esquerdo Marrom porque ela embora chamou seu um “Boa Mágoa”. Ela misunderstood o querer dizer deste e tomou ofensivamente. Ela então saiu e Hercules casado. O Charley nunca contou qualquer dseus filhos como eles foram relacionados e escorregou em depressão. Começou bebida pesadamente e ditado boa mágoa até que ele nao podia agarrar-se mais. Empacotou suas sacolas e foi a mudança de México seu nome a Browne de Carlos de Don.

The Cheese Wrapper Theory

You know those Cheese Squares that come in those hard to open plastic wrappers? Those aren’t what you think they are. There actually spy cameras that have been sent here by the Canadian UnSpecial Forces and The Mexican Salsa Dancers Union. The cameras (“cheese singles”) are sold to house holds and plan to take over your fridge. You might be like: “Whoa wait a minute, MY fridge?” Yes YOUR Fridge. They plan to start a war (they are also robots) and blast everything in your fridge so it goes bad and gets all rotten and ucky and disgusting. Those lumps when your milk goes bad are the cheese’s poop. Notice how there always sold in packs and never in singles? And why are they so hard to open? It’s EASY! They just want you to throw the “cheese squares” in the fridge while they zap all your other food and make it go rotten…

Lean Pockets vs. Hot Pockets

Beware, next time you go to the store and go to the freezer aisle and see “Lean Pockets” next to “Hot Pockets”. What is this “Lean”? I want my damn POCKETS FREAKIN HOT not LEAN! Lean, I believe, is an evil fruit grown next to beans that comes from Carrot top’s garden. Bean sellers are running out of Beans so they need cheap imitations and so Carrot top came up with a cheap imitation: “Leans”. Leans are round and fluffy and look like fat jamacan when pumped up. The fruit plans to make us talk in weird JFK accents and make us look like Chunks from the movie: “The Goonies”. They ARE EVIL! If you see FAT JAMACANS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Microwave Popcorn Theory

How long does it take to get all the popcorn’s popped? After serious amounts of time waisted and a series of failed expirements resulting in the kitchen flooded with Gas of burnt popcorn, I have finally waisted all my time to finally conclude this: Nothing. I have realized over and over that there is no possible way to get all the popcorns popped. Microwave popcorn is the number one cause for house fires and heart attacks and syphillis or insanity. Yes it’s true. There has been also some evidence in Bosnia and Britain that Microwave Popcorn causes the Ebola Virus. Anyways what the popcorn does is it spends about 3:00 minutes of your life watching a stupid thing inflate. This causes you to have anxiety to jump in the microwave, eat the popcorn and get severly burnt.

Also the “Popping” sound isn’t what you think it is. It’s actually a secret code thats transferred to your body. This code says to your body: “Cho mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth wit BUTTER.” Now your body gets all mad and trys to fight it off and shut it up. This causes you to go insane or get syphillis. I’m already insane so I wasn’t affected by the popcorns evil deeds. Beware, the popcorn has something popin up! Get it? Something Popin’ up? You don’t get it do you? Forget it, it’s over your head….