Category Archives: Fairy Tales

These are stories written in a fairy tale fashion.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Vegas Sea Turtle

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Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert.  He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler.  That was his job.  He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.

So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain.  Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.

Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.

Moral of the story:  Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Future Family

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NAUGHTY JOKE!!!
Future family: (the character is a boy)
I had a best friend. I liked her. Soon, we were partners. Being her bf, I sometimes think that I want to marry her. Then one day, I asked her mom and dad if I could, then they said “No. We’ll test you first… Someday..” I saw how my gf’s sister looked. She was so sexy and pretty, she looked so gorgeous at her short skirt and cute shirt, soon I had a crush on her. This time came that we were the only two people in the house. She told me, “Oh I can’t stand this feeling anymore. I love you Arkin! So much! Your wedding’s coming soon, and if you want one last wild thing, just go upstairs and get me.” As she went up the stairs, she gave her sexy panty to me, and showed me her pussy. Gosh ! I can’t believe it! Then I removed my pants and brief, I let him see my penis, but the door was locked so I guess no one saw me. I went up to the room. We had sexy sex. She let me saw her boobs, her pussy, and everything, after a little while, my gf’s family saw me, I said ” I’m sorry. I love your daughter. May I bring her home?”

Hahahahahahaha!! PLEASE COMMENT AND LIKE!!

:licky:

Stories, Fairy Tales

A Hop Into the Future

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There once was a rabbit, named Terrance, who got lost in the woods on the way home from school.  He had asked his crush out on a date for later that evening and hadn’t been mindful of the way he was hopping home.  In fact, the rabbit was so lost, he couldn’t even tell which direction he had gone.  The smell of the trees was different and even the ground looked different.

Little did Terrance know, he stepped through a dimensional portal and ended up in the future.  Guess that date is gonna have to wait.  But if it was in the past, it would have already happened, and he stood her up.  So I guess he’s screwed.

Anyway, Terrance was hippity-hopping along his way trying to figure out where he was, when all of a sudden a vicious hyena came out from behind a tree!  Considering hyenas don’t live in woods, Terrance had never seen a hyena before.  He politely asked the hyena where he was.

The hyena became depressed.  He popped open a package of Zanax and ate it all.

The hyena replied, “Am I not scary enough?  Oh man, I just want to kill myself.”

It was then when the hyena took out a razor and started cutting himself because he was so emo.  The rabbit didn’t understand and went along his way, until he met another hyena.

This hyena had a stupid look on his face.  He had obviously never seen a rabbit before.  And he was confused why the rabbit had a little backpack and was wearing Vans.

The new hyena inquired, “Hello there.  My name is Johnny, and I like sand.”

Although it sounded like a question, it was more of a statement.  Terrance didn’t know what to say, other than ask where he was.

Johnny replied, “Oh you’re so silly, you’re on the outskirts of Hyenapolis!”

Terrance had never heard that word before.  “What’s a Hyenapolis?”

Johnny burst into song, “Hyenapolis is the most wondrous city in all of the Urf!  We are a magical land full of magical hyenas who are used for medical experiments!”

Terrance questioned the sanity of the hyena, and went along his way.  Too bad he got caught in a trap and was shot by a hunter.  Then Hyenapolis was nuked by a terrorist seahorse civilization.  Too bad the United Nations didn’t inspect them more harshly.

Moral of the story:  Things never change.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Sewing Your Wound

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Johnny was working at his mother’s sewing machine, putting together an outfit for the school party.  He was working diligently, carefully sewing together the sleeves and the cuffs.  When he saw his favorite video come on TV, he decided to take a shortcut to save time, but ended up sewing over his finger, a wound that required nine stitches.

Moral of the story? A stitch in time saves nine.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Tilt-A-Vomit

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Marian laughed loudly at Jean when she noticed her friend’s sick, pained face as they sped around the Tilt-A-Whirl.

“I feel sick,” Jean moaned.

“HA!” Marian screamed.  “You just have to suck it up.”  Jean leaned over the side of their car and vomited violently, which only increased Marian’s laughter.  Suddenly, the ride lurched around, and Jean’s vomit hit Marian squarely in the face.

Moral of the story? What goes around comes around.

Stories, Fairy Tales

If There Were No Birds

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If there were no birds, there would be an overpopulation of insects and mountain goats.

Then insects would have their own insect white house and declare war on the mountain goats as they expanded towards the mountainous regions because of gross overpopulation, and with the advent of personal hygience in the insect community, their population exponentially increased to the point where the expansionist dictator of the United Insects of America find that the only places to expand to are the mountains

And so began the Greatest War of All Time — Insect War I, followed by the sequel Insect War II which was against the Earth’s atmosphere because the insects began to develop in such a way that they could fly through space if they only breeched through the atmosphere.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Dollars and Sense

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Once upon a time there was a rich guy named Ron Hubbles, III. Everybody just called him Muffins, though. His gangster friends called him Muvvenz. So, one day Muffins was in his vault admiring how much money he had. He had so much money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could’ve bought a country! But, instead he bought a ghetto in the middle of a city near Los Angeles.

Muffins, owning the ghetto, could do anything he wanted. He changed the name of the ghetto to Ronhub. He also changed all the names of the streets to a varied form of his name, Ron Hubbles, III. There were streets like Ronald, Ronald 2, The Hub, Ubbles, Hubbles III, etc. Yes, life was grand in the ghetto. All the windows that had been broken were boarded up, and it was a safe place because everyone had 8 locks on their doors. But one day, a good four days after it was bought, the ghetto Ronhub became a killing field. Gangsters from all over LA came into Ronhub, and shot everyone they could, because Muffins was sleeping with all their favorite hoes that lived in the area.

Everyone died. There were brains and pantless asses strewn across the streets. Some were even on the roofs of houses. Muffins sold the ghetto the next day, and no one moved into the area again. All the houses were used as crack houses for a year until a meth lab exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew up all the other drug labs in the ghetto.

The moral of the story:
You can’t buy love.

The End.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Take Me Home!

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Once upon a time there was a peaceful alien planet. The inhabitants of the planet, the Calcules have enjoyed many luxuries, and has seen no war for the last 300,000 years. This race focused on education and the well-being of others. Sure there was the usual crime of someone paying too much Schniza, the English translation of the money the Calcules had, for a product. Yes, life was good.

Once upon a time, there was another planet called Earth. Well, Earth was a fucked up place because they had vampires, werewolves, zombies, and bats with penises the size of an elephant’s. Well, this other race of aliens, called the 9 Star 9 80085, was on a purifying mission, and they blew up the Earth.

So, thinking nothing of it anymore, the 9 Star 9 80085s left. But the immortal creatures of the Earth flew around space for another thousand space years, which is about 300 million Earth years. Eventually they all landed on the home world of the Calcules!

There was turmoil all across the lands. Zombies were eating the aliens, and since zombies ate brains, the aliens gave them a feast! The zombies got smarter, and turned the remaining parts of the aliens into shotguns, shooting all the other aliens with them.

The vampires gouged out all the alien’s eyes and sucked out their blood like that. The werewolves cut off the alien’s necks in one swipe. The bats with big penises drove in the alien humvees, and with a gattling gun the zombies made, the zombies shot every alien they could find.

There was a professional alien game called Alienball going on too. Everyone was having a good time, and no one knew of the cataclysms going on outside. The vampires built ramps going up to the top of the stadium on all sides, and once they were all built, at the same time, 3000 bats with big penises with zombies shooting gattling guns drove up the ramps and flew into the air, all of them shooting at the same time. Werewolf paratroopers and vampire fighter planes swooped in and killed all the aliens.

The End.

Fuck you Mark.

Horrible…

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Rabbit Who Pooped On Everyone

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This is kinda weird. We got 2 different versions of this same story from 2 different people. We don’t know who the first person was.

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1st version:

One Day A Rabbit named FLUFFY was sitting in his round terdy dirhea palace ande the toilet was made of realy talking terds somtimes they hugged him and said”i wove you”so anyway fluffys owner was coming home and took him out and held him above her head and he pooped on her face with a SPLAT she said “bitching rabbit”!!!she ran inside to take a shower when she came back out she held him and spanked me after that he shot out a marbly little terd into her mouth and she GULPED IT and he pee’d the second after that and hit her in the nose and she said “IM KILLING YOU”!!but before she could his terdy toilet freinds came and they punched her THWOCK THWOCK and SPLAT SPLITTY SPLAT!!his little toilet freinds said “o gosh i wove u”and little old fluffy/he ate them and chewed with a gooshy sound of munch’in terds and they screamed “Basterd EE OUSE rabbit”!?!and fluffys freind FROSTY came over and greated Fluffy and Fluffy Greated Frosty and Frosty And Fluffy built an invention called the Poop-Mini-Gunner and sceintific name –POOPIOSE LE’TERD ODDER LORD OF STINKY POO MICK COLEMN HAIRY FAT MAN TERD–so they aimed it toward there town called Toilet city poo eee (they lived in the poopyis town of the underground Retard toilets for fat men and fat assed woman and always getting new poopy , slimy visitors each second and each time we great them as they slide down the slippery slide of pooey)AND SHOT THE CITY AND EVERYONE GREW INTO THE BROWNIST BROWNEY TERDS IN THE WORLD!! ALSO ONE REMINDER the biggest TeRd in the town is stanly who came from a 560Pound SUmo wrestler THE END))))”””””

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2nd version:

One Day Fluffys owner was coming home and she took him out and said “hi”i pooped on her face and she yelled at me and said”YOU rabbIT YOU”she went to take a shower and came back and said”IM SPANKING YOU FLUFFY”before she could i pooped a little marbly terd and it went in her mouth and she gulped it and she was so frusterated she pulled down her pants and farted on me and after that i peed on here face then she ran inside to take another shower and i made an invention while she was in the shower i called it the poop shooter i aimed ot at her shower window and SPLAT then THWOCK i broke the glass and it hit her in the nose and splatted a huge mushy dirhea splatter all on here nose she inhaled it and puked at the marbly terd i escaped by opening the lach and brought my poop shooter and made 90 terds combinded and shot it at the city THWOCK the city blew up with a dirheaish fireworks and everyone thought they saw Hamtaro (from the CarttonNetwork at 8:30AM and the 4:00PM show)shoot it and everyone in the city got out spears and arrows (BY THE WAY HAMTARO IS A HAMSTER)and Hamtaro said “crum crumb crum” and EVERYONE stabbed him and HAMTAROS eyes popped out and plopped on the floor with a splitty splat splitty noise and his balls fell off and everyone ate dirhea to surrvive but saddly little fluffy had to much fluffyness and killed everyone who looked at his fizzzy,fuzzy,fluffy,soothing,touching,scottish,dirheashish furr so everyone DIED IN A DIRHEAISH DEATH

THE EMD KIDS AND ADULTS

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Grasshopper and the Ant

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As told by Ms. Signs.

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Once upon a time, in the land of fairy tales, there lived an ant and a grasshopper. The ant knew how to separate work time from free time. At the beginning of each day, this ant would get up early and collect food to store for the winter. He had a lot of food saved up by the end of the summer. The grasshopper was a different story, he was very lazy. He kept saying he would do the work tomorrow. The ant warned the grasshopper that unless he sacrificed some free time to work, he might find himself dying of starvation when winter came. The grasshopper didn’t pay attention. He kept sleeping late, playing Nintendo games, and not working at all. Suddenly, winter came. The ant was successful in storing his food he went into his ant pile to rest, the grasshopper was cold and hungry. He hadn’t built a house, or stored any food. If this story were a true fairy tale, the grasshopper would have died, because he was unprepared. However, this ending reflects the true nature of ants and grasshoppers. In this story, the grasshopper decides to eat the ant, and take all his food.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Children’s Story

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One day, in a small city called Kingsburg in California there live a family of four people. There are two parents with two children. One child is a girl and the other is a girl also. The two children don’t get along very well probably because of their age difference. Their parents think of everything, trying to make them get along. When they have an idea they would write it down on a piece of paper and later that day they would try it.

The five-year-old girl is named Tina, and the other seven-year-old daughter is named Susan. One idea that the parents came up with is to take them both to their Aunt Helen’s house, so that they can spend some quiet time together in the playroom. The parents thought that they might just get along if they get to play pirates or Robin Hood or some other game like that together.

It worked at first when they were playing Sleeping Beauty. But after awhile they began arguing and arguing led to fighting. They were fighting about who will be the witch and who will be the princess. The parents sighed and had to go back to the drawing board. Another idea the parents came up with that might just bring their two children to become civil with each other is to assign Tina and Susan, to a project. Their project turned out to be a Birthday card for their Aunt Helen.

That idea didn’t work because Tina drew a heart on the top left corner of the card, red and Susan wanted it to be blue. So they began fighting once again. The parents sighed and tried again. The next idea for the children is to switch places for a day. If they do this, they can find out something interesting about each other.

At first, Tina and Armen thought that this idea was going to be fun but after the day went by, they hated the idea because Tina went into her room and Armen went into his room. When the parents said that they also had to switch rooms for the night, the two kids started to cry. The parents started getting very frustrated with this whole situation. After thinking for awhile, they came up with a very simple and, at the same time, genius solution.

That simple solution was to politely ask Tina and Armen to participate and really try to get along. The two parents told them what they were trying to do for so long which was to try to make Tina and Susan to get along. Their kids understood because they too were sick of fighting every day. About a week later the two parents saw much improvement with their kids, and they are now a very happy family.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Little Red Riding Tax Collector

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Once there was a man who wore this red sweat shirt and red pants. He looked really stupid but infact was not. He only had the Ebola Virus. He use to ride upside down on his horse named red. His sattle was on the horses stomache and so he’d bonk his head on the ground everytime the horse stretched his legs.

One day he had to go collect taxes from George W Bush and his boss said: “Take this suit case with you and make sure you deliver it to his hands IMMEDIATLY!” The boss then slapped him on the ass and the tax collector left with the suit case. He got on his horse and he was off, bonking his head along the way. But, behold, a Portuguese Samurai with Bipolar diease heard what the boss said and he grinned evily. He was going to steal that nice suit case and sell it on the French black market.

So the Samurai jumped on his very own skunk and rode off towards the direction the tax collector went. But the samurai knew a shortcut through the Marijuana fields. He quickly made a lemonade stand, only not making lemonade, but making Spam on Ham sandwich stand. Now this grabbed the tax collectors attention. The tax collector fell off his horse and walked over.

The samurai said: “Look at That thing behind you!” Of course there was nothing there but the tax collector turned around and looked. The samurai then ran down to Bushs house and rang the door bell. Bush peaked out and the samurai bonked him on the head with beef jerky. Bush suddenly got hit with like 1000 calories and passed out. The samurai then dragged his body under the bed and took all his clothes.

Meanwhile the tax collector is still staring behind him trying to find what the samurai was pointing (what an idiot) and then decided to just go collect taxes because he was standing there for 3 hours straight. He got on his horse and bonked his head all along the way to Bush’s house.

He knocked on the door and the samurai (dressed as bush) opened the door. The tax collector handed him the brief case and asked for the Tic Tacs that he had to pay for his taxes. “Bush” gave him a whole box of tic tacs and the collector almost had a heart attack.

He had never seen a WHOLE bottle of TIC TACS! The tax collector went back home. The samurai opened the brief case and it was a coversational tape that helps you learn German and a bottle of spanish olives. The samurai ate the olives and later died of constipation. George W Bush late woke up but couldn’t find his way out from under the bed even though it wasn’t even a Queen size and died of starvation.

The End

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Reason Pigs Fly: A Manifesto

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There once was a town in east Oregon named baloopateeassssiville. Believe it or not it was a clown nudist colony. Now you may ask yourself. WHAT THE HELL ARE CLOWNS NAKED FOR! I am here to tell you. My name is Horatio the weasel clown and this is my manifesto.

It was a hot afternoon in mid September. The bees were out, the bees are always out. There are so many god damn bees. Back to the story. Well I was out walking my french poodle name Jose, when you know who I ran into? It was my ex-wife btichass the clown.. This was about 6 years before we became a nudist colony. That happened after the war. Well as I was saying I was walking when my little doggy took a little poopoo. Well you would not believe this but my ex wife comes and picks it up, puts it into a paper cup, adds water and PRESTO you have poop water. I was in the middle of throwing up when she asked what the matter was. I can’t believe you did that you swappy* bitch, that was dog shit yo (I was in the middle of the phase where I was talking in strange tongues). She said yes but it’s good for my asthma. I said yeah right skank, I challenge you to a duel. She said in a very feminine voice “Oh, is that like a party”. I said smirking “yeah kinda”. She said “Great, I’ll bring crumpets”. Her ignorance brought me to the point where I wanted to cut her and eat her heart. I settled for a piece of broccoli and corned beef.

Well it was the day of the duel and as was expected, she brought the damn crumpets. We sat down for a few minutes. We talked of the current japanese invasion of Virginia and caught up on the local news, movies, and books. I was almost beginning to revoke the proposal of a duel, when she brings out the biggest fish I Have ever seen. Even more amazingly, she had two. She said, I figured instead of a duel we could throw these fish. I said “I suppose so” with a sigh of relief. We mutually decided she should go first as she brought the fish. She threw it, and man the bitch could throw. Paranoia began to leap over me. What if I could not beat her throw I would be the laughing stock of the town. I began to sweat intensely and began drooping. She handed me my fish and said “Beat that if you can” she said. I said “I think I will if you don’t mind”. Well the winds had been kind that day and my throw was possibly a world record, I kid you not. That’s when the attack kicked in. I became dizzy and I was shaking like you would not believe. I collapsed in a sudden big heap. You would not believe the intensity I felt. It was like being reborn. They say I’ve lost it. But I’ve stopped listening to them. They can never take me again.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Jenkins

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Once upon a time there was a shoe salesman named Jenkins. He had a terrible life. He was gay, an alcoholic, weighed 450 pounds, and he hadn’t sold a pair of shoes since 1978. Then one day the tooth fairy came to him. He said “what the hell are you doing here, you’re the tooth fairy, get away”. The tooth fairy said “No. You are pretty weird. I’m here to help you and you won’t except my help. What kind of position are you in to shoo me away huh fatty?” Then Jenkins said fine, What should I do. So the tooth fairy extracted all of his teeth, made his hair pink, made him work out until he weighed 98 pounds, and put him in a permanent tutu. His life got even worse. So he shot the tooth fairy with a shot gun and he exploded. Jenkins is living in a mental institution as of now and the tooth fairy has not been seen since. The moral of the story is, don’t trust the tooth fairy or your life will suck forever.

The End