Tag Archives: pee

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

One Quart Bucket of Urine

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Announcer: We are offering One Quart Bucket Urine to be Collected and

Shipped to YOU when YOU want it!

Hunters ~ why buy scents that sit on a shelf for months or years when you can buy deer urine collected fresh and shipped to your door within days of your order!

 

Our scents are fresh and 100% natural, the way nature intended! We’ll collect and ship one quart of Buck Urine for YOU when YOU want it.

 

You decide what it’s worth to have fresh scent collected and shipped directly to you when you say!

(end)

Poetry and Songs, (F) Jingle Bells Songs

Jingle Bells Song #7283

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Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Batman smells

Robin laid an egg

Batmobile lost its wheel

and Joker got away

hey!

(repeat)

Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Batman smells

Robin laid an egg

Batmobile lost its wheel

and Joker took ballet

hey!

(repeat)

Batmans in the kitchen

Robins in the Hall

Joker’s in the bathroom

Peeing on the wall!

Lists

26 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

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1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

Stories

I LOVE MONKEYS

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I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room.

They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work.

It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I love monkeys.

Guides

How To Make a Squackle Gang

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Note: Don’t actually do this, please.

1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.

2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
Name:

  • The Cazzys
  • Foo Foo Tinas
  • The Tutu Posse
  • Mean Clowns that Bark
  • The Crazy Kitties
  • The Counts of Monte Cristo
  • The Vampire Squad
  • The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
  • The Miss Pellers
  • The Hotties
  • The Coldies
  • The Assrammers
  • The Spider
  • Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
  • The Guys that Follow You Home
  • The Second of Man
  • Summer Time
  • Waugh
  • The Super Marios
  • The Crown Jewels
  • The Homeless
  • We Breathe
  • Tarzan RULES
  • Metallicats
  • The Swat Katz
  • Allison Chains
  • The Bud Light Buddies
  • The Treks
  • The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)

Theme:

  • Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
  • Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
  • Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
  • Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
  • Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
  • White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
  • Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
  • Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
  • Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
  • Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
  • Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
  • Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
  • Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
  • The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
  • The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
  • Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
  • Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
  • Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
  • Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
  • Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
  • Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
  • Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.”  They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.

3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:

  • Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
  • Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
  • Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
  • Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
  • Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
  • Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
  • Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
  • Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
  • Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
  • Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
  • Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
  • Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents

4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.

5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!

6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.

7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.

8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.

9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.