I.R.S. AGENT: “Mr. Smith, you’ve been claiming your mother as a tax exemption for five years, and she’s been deceased for five years. What is your explanation?”
SMITH: “Well, you see, sir, my mother is still very much alive in my heart.”
Tag Archives: mother
Joke #12417
Mother to her teenaged daughter: “Are you going steady now?”
“Yes, I am, Mom. On Tuesday with Mike, Wednesday with Jimmy, Thursday with Frankie…”
Joke #12389
After reading a good-night story to her 5-year-old daughter, the mother asked, “Where did the three little kittens find their mittens?”
The girl answered, “In the Yellow Pages?”
Joke #12383
LITTLE JIMMY: “My father can beat your father.”
LITTLE TIMMY: “Big deal. Even my mother can beat my father.”
Joke #12381
A boy once asked his mother, “Mommy, what happens to all those old cars?”
His mother replied, “Someone sells them to your father!”
Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor. She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.
Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.
Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth. Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.
So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers. Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.
Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.
Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected. Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.
Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.
Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window. Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.
Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor. He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch. He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.
Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left. When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed. His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.
Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.
Joke #12078
A soldier was back home after spending nine months in the Army. His mother asked, “How is the food in the Army?”
Her son replied, “Real bad, Mom. Why some times I could only go back for seconds.”
Joke #12047
MOTHER: “What are you looking for, Jimmy?”
JIMMY: “I’m looking for a dime.”
MOTHER: “Where did you lose the dime?”
JIMMY: “I didn’t lose it. I just want one.”
Joke #12046
A twelve-year-old boy came home from the movies and his mother asked him how the picture was.
The lad said, “A real bomb! I could hardly sit through it the second time.”
Joke #12039
A daughter told her mother, “Jimmy, who lives down the block, went to school with his dog day after day until the day when they parted.”
The mother gasped and said, “You mean the dog died?”
Her daughter smiled and replied, “Oh, no! The dog graduated.”
Joke #9199
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, “Oh darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”
“I’m glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us,” she replied.
Bad Pick Up Lines
– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?
– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.
– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.
– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?
– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?
– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.
– Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.
– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
– Your awfly perrrtay.
– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.
– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.
– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.
– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!
– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!
– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.
If They Wed
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it’s the ’90’s!) he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy (“Saturday Night Live” writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”
Joke #5254: Keep Daddy Thin
One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep.
The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing. So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.
The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin. “But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!”
Joke #5243: Cat On a Hot Tin Roof
There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died.
“WHAT?!?!” asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. “I loved that cat! You can’t just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat’s on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you’re doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died.”
The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, “Your mother’s on the roof.”