Tag Archives: America

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Immigration Essay

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My assignment was to interview an immigrant….I know of no immigrants so I made it all up….Check out the dates I mention….(I aced history but clearly failed math….)

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Dolores H. was born August 10, 1972 in Mexico city, Mexico in an area called Village Guadalupe. She was 23 when she first came to the United States in the summer of 1980.

*****She would’ve been like 11 when she came to the u.s. not 23!*****

I did go to school ,my mother really wanted me to finish high school although I wanted to work to make money for our family she said. But there werent very many good jobs for women because most men believe they are supposed to stay home. So after high school Dolores came to America. It was very difficult because I was alone ,I didnt speak English ,and I didnt have any money.she said. But there was a couple her parents knew who were living here in Ventura so they let her live with them for awhile. They helped her learn English so she could get a small job.
Coming to America ,she says, was easier for her then for a lot of people. She says some men she knew were always trying to come illegally to the U.S. to escape debt. It only took a few weeks for her to be approved, then later on she wanted to become a citizen so she had to take a difficult test to see how much she knew about the country.

the end….

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I got a B+ becasue my teacher said it wasn’t long enough….

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

WoW Chat #24500: Bunnylol -> davepoobond

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Bunnylol: (whispers me two Chinese words)
davepoobond: lol hi
Bunnylol: chinese
davepoobond: japanese
davepoobond: look at these!
Bunnylol: sorry
davepoobond: are you a girl?
Bunnylol: lol
Bunnylol: yes
davepoobond: can i ask u a question?
Bunnylol: no
davepoobond: y not?
davepoobond: do you like america?

Bizarro Facebook

Bizarro Facebook #22527: Obamacare Isn’t a Tax…

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A facebook friend shared this picture on his wall, which spurted the following conversation:

 

Obamacare Isn't a Tax...

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: 1.7 trillion over 10, sounds like the best for our country right now… Socialism bitch slap from across the ocean just reached America.

Travis: Please educate yourself… http://www.reddit.com/tb/vbkfm

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: LOL! educate yourself.

David: Looks great, aside from the extra cost of all that additional necessary stuff. Pricing us right into nationalized healthcare. On someone else’s watch (because if he doesn’t get re-elected, then he can blame this mess on someone else. If he does, then it was all part of his plan and it’s “doing just fine”)

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: It’s just disgusting. It’s a complete failure to America. Why not have states compete? Wait for the date people push HC for their pets. You’ll get more for that then family or friends or donations

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: ObamaCare is just a way to let socialist into this country and see how good socialism works around the world. check it yourself on more than one page.. many places and learn it yourself read up on it understand it.. Fuck OC as in obamacare.

davepoobond: Yeah those fuckin people with preexisting sicknesses can go fuck themselves. If they want to die then they can go die on their own dime.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: You are either funny or ignorant? You figure it out. We have more problems with ObamaC then we are now. Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help. You’re baby has 103 temp and sick if they are too young can get denied help. DO YOUR WORK FOOLS!

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(next day)

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davepoobond: oh, the part where they scrapped the “death panel” thing you’re talking about? http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/14/nation/na-health-end-of-life14

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Wow one thing gone, if thats true.. So your telling me you know all about this HC plan that I’m pretty sure no one has read the whole plan yet? Like Pelosi who said you’ll have to pass it to find out what’s in it? Or do you just like it cause you hear it’s good? You think I would really tell someone whose sick to go fuck themselves? Guy there are better ways that our easily more explained and can help more people that this nonsense… Even your liberal buddy Bob Beckel who couldn’t receive HC after his heart attack and open heart surgery went across state lines and received HC, so why shouldn’t we just open that door to everyone and let HIC compete then rates will drop and you don’t have to write a new plan over 900 or some odd pages. And we wouldn’t have to change this country in to something it should never be. Also when did it become every hard working Americans job to take care of everyone else. You know that’s how America wanted to be at first then they realized how many people took advantage of it and didn’t do shit. So they came about capitalism and competed to keep people working for what they need. Obamacare is a complete failure to this country and everything we gone through to get what we become.

davepoobond: wow. i find it absolutely hilarious you wrote all that, but it still doesn’t deny the fact that i researched the topic you brought up, proved it as false, and then you dismissed it like it was nothing. it isn’t even an issue of whether or not the bill is something to get behind or not. it is about you hiding behind the fact that you were wrong and now you cant accept it. hahah.

davepoobond: im not even liberal. my views are generally more of a neo-conservative. so i’m sorry that i stepped on your toes.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: How was I wrong when what you put up hasn’t even be denied just talk about how it should be taken out, so in the long run I was tight.

davepoobond: how does the sentence “A Senate panel has decided to scrap the part ” imply any part of temporary status regarding that part of the bill?

davepoobond: also from the article: “Legislation passed by the Senate’s health committee does not include the consultation measure.”

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: I didn’t see a date to the one, cause last I heard after the date above Aug, 14 2009 it was still going. SO unless you can put a date to that for me. I will believe if the plan holds up and you don’t see it happening. Obama has already lied several times before whose to say he wont again.

davepoobond: From wikipedia: Passed the Senate as the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” on December 24, 2009 (60–39) with amendment.

Passed the House on October 8, 2009 (416–0)

So you’re saying within 2 months after that article was written, they reincluded the “death panel” clause in there and it got approved after it was taken out? They removed something only to put it back in, is what you are saying. Not only that, the onus of proof is on you at this point. I’ve already proven my point.

Also, I find it hilarious that you would think they would be able to revise the bill and approve it unilaterally in the house in 2 months and then added back in the next month in the senate. That’s some fast government work if i ever heard of it! It’s like they almost didn’t want to add something like that back in…

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Will see what happens when my 70 year old parents get sick.

davepoobond: So instead of “doing your own work” on research like you were preaching earlier you’re going to take the lazy road and not show any proof of what you were proclaiming as the truth and presenting a fallacious strawman of your parents getting sick in some undeclared point in the future to prove your point? Get out of here with that crap, man. Put your money where your mouth is. Show me proof that the death panel exists and is in the law.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Really, This is what I read in your wiki. “Death panel” is a political term that originated during a 2009 debate about federal health care legislation to cover the uninsured in the United States.” Then if you read all of it later down the line you see in 2010 a dem supporter still talks about how your medical conditions will be put in front of a group of an elected few to some and reviewe… Now if that’s not the true meaning of death panel in its own sick way then believe what you want, and when it comes to haunt you then you can go complain to someone like yourself who will post some article from the left then use wiki, without reading the whole page. I’m done now I have proved you wrong when there was something about it before 2009 then they change the words and keep it in the bill but you don’t care for that either.

davepoobond: The page I linked does not have that quote. I typed it in verbatim and nothing. The only mention of the word “council” on that page is for the national prevention health promotion and public health council which is for developing a health promotion strategy. Are you just making stuff up now?

davepoobond: Look up “death panel” on wikipedia. Right there it says it was dropped. Do I really have to keep proving this? I guess you can just keep on spouting disinformation. Doesn’t hurt to get your facts straight.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: That’s where I looked guy..

davepoobond: You are being painfully obtuse. Now that I know you’re looking at the “Death Panel” wikipedia article instead of the actual article I was REFERRING TO about the PPACA initially, it says IN THAT VERY LINE THAT YOU ARE QUOTING, NOW THAT I’M LOOKING AT THE RIGHT ARTICLE: “nothing in any proposed legislation would have allowed individuals to be judged to see if they were “worthy” of health care.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_panel

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: All I can say is any article I have read says death panel is nothing and means nothing, but the more you read into Obamacare, I still read that there will be a group of PEOPLE no medical doctors or your opinion counts. When it comes to them, and the only way to get around it is private assistance what means leaving the country. Look at the whole Obama campaign with that little girl they use. Still in the mandate and still has people deciding when you get to an age who give the upwards or downwards signal of the thumb. You must agree with abortion and disagree with the death penalty.. cause this is the complete opposite. Once again all you feed me is a bunch of nonsense. I told you death panel was used as a political term in an earlier post and explained who decides your faith if you can’t find it then I’m not going to explain it… When the fucks who passed it wont keep it for themselves then you know its bad…. so you can go read the 2100 pages of his bill and when you get through it come talk to me then… LIKE I SAID I’M DONE WITH YOU.

davepoobond: you’re not even making complete sentences. you are completely going crazy, i hope you realize that nothing that you wrote out makes any sense. “Earlier” when you somehow said this exactly, and I’m copying and pasting: “Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help.”

That is not saying that you are saying that the death panel is nothing and means nothing. You have not shown me any proof or articles describing what it is you are talking about. You are telling me to go read a 2100 page health care bill. LOL. Can you not debate in a non fallacious fashion? Is all you can say “go find the proof for yourself”? That is not how it works. You are supposed to convince me of something with PROOF. You have NONE at this point in time. You are building up strawmen and that is a FALLACY. The onus of proof is on you to prove to me that whatever it is you are talking about exists.

And don’t think you can just make assumptions about what i believe about abortion and the death penalty. That isn’t even the point of what we are talking about. What are you trying to get at? Are you trying to hit at some other part of what I believe so you can just say that my opinion is less than yours? How is that going to help you? You said that there are death panels, you did not say “DEATH PANELS ARE USED AS A POLITICAL TERM” when describing about how your 70 year old parents will get sick in some future point of time and have their fates determined by a death panel.

You are trying to deflect, terribly. Learn how to think for yourself and actually learn how to argue your points. For all you know I am against the health care bill. What I AM for is the anti-disinformation. There is no point to lie about what is included in the health care reform bill whether or not you agree with it. It is okay to say that you were wrong, but you are so adamantly defending your position and twisting your own words to cover your own ass for some reason I can’t even begin to fathom.

Sorry, bud, you lose this one.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: WHy do I need to prove anything to you… I’m here to point out what I know and seen of the plan. You haven’t proved otherwise to me. If you can believe an article from someone you don’t know who is person like you or me but can’t believe what I say from my own intelligence of doing research what’s the difference… Why do I need to waste my time talking to a mindless zombie who cuts and paste but when I prove a point you say it’s nonsense and is no proof. Well I’m the proof, all I need is my mind to know count on memories… What would you do with out a computer carry around newspaper articles all day? I just need to know the research I done is in my head and everyone I talked to who isn’t an Obama lover agrees with me so I don’t know where you stand but I know you must only sit in front of your computer all day. So sorry bud when you stop working out and Obamacare cuts you from everything then you can write back to me… PEACE OUT, good luck with your articles hope they don’t brainwash you like the word death panel from the obvious fact there are people who sit on a panel and decide what your worth..

davepoobond: You are declaring yourself an expert on the topic, now? Seriously? You can’t honestly think that anyone in the world would take something as asinine as “I know it because I know it” as proof of anything. “You’re the proof.” You’re the proof, alright, of many other things. Not of anything that we are talking about. You are going bananas and off on tangents that do not make any sense. I behoove you, please realize you have just said that you need not prove what you say because what you say is infallible. You are essentially saying you are all-knowing.

I wasn’t even the one who used the word “panel” originally. You did! How am I the one being brainwashed? Have you never written a report for school before? In the Cited Works section did you just say “Me” for everything you wrote and didn’t even research the topic? That’s not how it works if you want to be seen as a legitimate source of information for anything.

You need to prove something to me because you keep saying everything I say is false. I say “show me how its false.” You say “no, I know its false so thats why its false.” HOW do you know this? Did you absorb the content of the bill by osmosis and then construe parts of the bill that do not exist in your head?

davepoobond: I posted an article from a person who is an actual journalist and has access to finding out information from the source. I can’t just talk to a senator if I want to. Do you not understand the concept of news?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Fine so you now are not doing your work and want me to send you crap from someone to read.. I can’t talk to a senator either but I don’t believe every freak reporter or I would be a mindless idiot like most other people look up Phil Roe- no smoke blown or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith cause like your proving to them we need someone else to make your decision for you… Now that I proved my point from some article or so read you get you can stop and realize you run with the pact. Later guy now do your own work next time.

davepoobond: you’re not understanding that I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANY WORK TO PROVE YOUR POINT

davepoobond: i can’t believe how hard it is to have you post a link to anything. not to mention it probably wouldnt even be a reputable source outlet, but that’s beside the point.

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(10 hours later)

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Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot:  You are a tool!

davepoobond: I would absolutely love to know the reasons why you think that I am a tool. Please, indulge me.

davepoobond: You don’t even have to provide any links.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: hahahaha You just proved it… lol You don’t even need a link. Fuck your links.. just like every leftist I know.. I need a link. I gave you stuff to look up but probably to much homework for you.

davepoobond: im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that was just a funny joke. now, how about actually answering the question

davepoobond: and i just said you dont have to, so that means i DONT need a link. does that make me aligned to the right?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Go reread everything. This is my point to you. I told you what I know. I should need to prove anything to you by links but thats all you wanted so when I gave you links to look at you just blew it off go do your homework… I’m done with this tool it can’t be fixed I’m throwing it out.. You are a tool. point made many times but your just going to think your right. There is a panel of people who decide what to do about sick people and it is a tax and if Romneys boy really says Romney doesn’t thinks its a tax then no matter what this country is fucked.. I’m done with you if you reply I will not cause again there is no fixing this tool time to get rid of it like obamacare will do if your to old to them. so peace out guy.

davepoobond: you didnt give me any links!!!! describing an article is not linking something!!! you are the most ridiculous person in the world!!!

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: TOOL last chance Phil Roe- no smoke blown, or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith. You must not read.

davepoobond: do you understand the internet? a link is a url not the name of a web site. ALSO, i’ve never even heard the name Phil Roe, but obviously he can’t be taken seriously as a journalist since he has an amazingly huge conflict of interest — he is a republican congressman! of course you’re not going to bother learning what conflict of interest means so i’m just going to also tell you I can’t even find the article on his stupid web site that you’re even REFERRING to. How about you actually copy and paste a link for me to actually look at!

Or would that be too leftist for you to do? Making it easy for someone to find what you are talking about!

davepoobond: here’s something for you look at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Payment_Advisory_Board

With regard to IPAB’s recommendations, the law says “The proposal shall not include any recommendation to ration health care, raise revenues or Medicare beneficiary premiums under section 1818, 1818A, or 1839, increase Medicare beneficiary cost sharing (including deductibles, coinsurance, and co-payments), or otherwise restrict benefits or modify eligibility criteria.”

There you go. They have nothing to do with approving individuals getting coverage they need.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: lol

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: goodbye guy

davepoobond: what’s so funny about that? hello?

davepoobond: it took me all of 5 minutes to disprove you again. you are the worst at life and the internet.

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Since he stopped replying, the next day I went through and Liked all his posts.

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Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: holly pooh dude are we still on this page you should have tomorrow off go play with something, ladies offer you a lot. Just realize they have have a few bitches behind them giving you a bad name… Like if you should go home with them or not,.. Happy 4th guy!

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

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One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

Media, The Squacklecast

Squacklecast Episode 2 – “We Planned This Out”

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This entry is part 2 of 38 in the series The Squacklecast

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Hello again, faithful Squacklers!  This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.”  Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!

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The Schticky Commercial:

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Vince Offer was arrested for an altercation with a prostitute.

And here’s his mugshot!

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Vince Offer should just get a lavalier mic.  But he insists on using his stupid headset.

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The Shamwow Spanish commercial:

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The SlapChop!

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The Better Marriage Blanket

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American Reunion is coming out.

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American Pie: The Naked Mile was pretty dumb.

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Shannon Elizabeth could carry a movie by herself as a stereotypical foreigner.

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End of Days is probably better than Collateral Damage.

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John Leguizamo’s List of Victims

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There was a lot of innuendo in Home Alone 2.

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Training Day is a lot more like Home Alone 2 than you might care to realize…

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Home Alone 3 was also a travesty.

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There were only two black guys in Glory, a movie about a black-american regiment in the Civil War.

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Dr. Who should reunite all the James Bonds in a “reunion” movie.

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Little Man should be re-released in 3D.

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Song of the South should be released in 3D, too.  But its in the Disney Vault’s Secret Chamber, never to be seen again.

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Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer – more like red haired guy vs. black guy with a machine gun!

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Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:

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Someone getting hurt or killed during a robbery should be a given, shouldn’t it?

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Ca$h is the movie where Sean Bean dies twice.

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Thanks for tuning in!  Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

Chat Logs, Bizarro Facebook

Bizarro Facebook #21979: The Adventures of Jelli

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So, on Saturday, November 5, 2011, I get an add request from some random girl named Jelli.  I don’t know who she is, never seen her before. Mind you, the picture I see is of a “white” girl… not a hint of Filipino that I can see…and yet…

The following conversation takes place:

davepoobond: do i know you?

Jelli: nope im just tryin to add you

Jelli: its up to you if you want to accept,im not forcing you..

davepoobond: well its fine, i just dont know if i know you is all 😛

Jelli: ok thanks

davepoobond: so what made you want to be my friend

Jelli: i want you to be my friend

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(I’m thinking: OKAY, WTF??)

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davepoobond: oh ok

Jelli: where you from?and how old are you?

davepoobond: I’m from la county originally. I live in orange county now… how about you

Jelli: im from los angeles,but now im here in philippines

davepoobond: Oh ok

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: What made you move out there

Jelli: visiting my aunt

Jelli: i want you to know im half filipino

Jelli: you there?

davepoobond: Oh that’s cool

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8 hours later…

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davepoobond: why do you want me to know that you’re half filipino

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So, this girl sounds like she’s got a few screws loose.  And I check out her Facebook status updates and the comments she’s got…

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On June 28

Jelli: hope she gets better i love you auntie…

Keith: What’s wrong with her?

Jelli: she have a sick,and she want to survive…

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On July 14:

Jelli: aunt dont worry god always there for you and give you more life,hope you get well i love you so much…

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On Sept 3:

Jelli: Creepy Guy Daniel (censored his name)

Creepy Guy Daniel: I’m unfamiliar with this kind of post. Am I supposed to do what?

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On Sept 3:

Creepy Guy Daniel: Are you a Sagittarius also? I was born on the 30th November

Jelli: Nope i’m scorpio.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Oooh, that’s even better! Is it true that you are ruled by your high sexual drive?

Jelli: i dont know.

Jelli: you want to try?haha peace.

Creepy Guy Daniel: I would love to! And I would try very hard indeed! Just give me the go ahead Jelli!

Jelli: if you want to try at me,you travel here in philippines or you want buy me a chippes ticket to go back there in L.A.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Until just now, being kinda poor never seemed to bother me. All of a sudden though, I gotta say that money COULD buy some measure of happiness in this situation! LOL If I had the bucks, I would ahve you here in flash Jelli !

Jelli: ?

Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.

Roger: i`d walk there xxx

Jelli: Ok i understand its ok.

Creepy Guy Daniel: On water right? We can only hope!!

Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.

Jelli: hope u want to meet each other.

Creepy Guy Daniel: Want to join us?

Jelli: What you mean?

Creepy Guy Daniel: You said you hoped we would want to meet each other. I am assuming your interest is joining us when we do!

Jelli: Yea i want to meet but how im here in philippines.

–

On Sept 5:

Jelli: hELLo thErE…

Roger: hi doll i hope you are fine pity we cannot find us never for chatting i d like

–

On Sept 6:

Jelli: Hello there anyone to talk?

Rick: Good Morning how was your holiday weekend

Jelli: Verry sad and lonely.

Rick: Why so sad and lonely

–

On Sept 6:

Roger: Jilli Jill Jill whats cookin good lookin?

Jelli: Thanks

Jelli: Hello

Roger: what up jill

Jelli: Great,you?

Roger: oh just chillin when u coming ouy 2 tampa?

–

On Sept 6

Jelli: what happened i’m wondering.

Matthew: me too

Jelli: Why?

Matthew: cuz what happened lol?

–

On Sept 8

Kareem: lol can you not harass my friends?

–

On Oct 3

Jelli: i feel pain,i think its headache.;-(

Creepy Guy Daniel: I have 600mg Ibuprofen here. I wish I could five you one and make you feel better Jelli.

Adnor: Cuz I’m not with you woman!!we could fix that;)

Jelli: Thanks daniel.

–

Jelli: hELLo there…

Rick: hello how are you

Jelli: h!…i’m good i’m here in philippines almost 2weeks…

Rick: Are you having a good time

Jelli: what are you up to?

Jelli: i’m visiting to my aunt.

Rick: recovering from my operation.

Rick: how is she doing

Rick: are you going to live there or are you coming back

Jelli: hope ur fine,shes still not CTscan cuz financial proble,i’m coming back there by december.

Jelli: ????

Rick: I did not see you on here for a while and was thinking you stopped talking to me or left face book

Jelli: Still there?

Jelli: Still there?

Jelli: Still there?

Rick: I’m still here

Jelli: ????

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Jelli: Tell me the truth ok,what are you looking here on facebook?

Rick: I talk to old and new friends. I saw you said hi there and I didn’t know if you were talking to me so i didn’t want to be rude so I said hi back to you. You seem like a nice person to talk to. Is that ok to do

–

On Oct 22:

She updates her relationships status as single.

Louis: CANNT BELIVE UR SINGLE MUST HAVE BEEN A JERK

Jelli: huh,its up to you

–

On Oct 28:

Jelli: Always bussy for looking job,very tired.

–

On Oct 31:

Jelli: Happy holloween to all.

–

I also look at her other information… she apparently goes to UCLA. How dumb can you be and still get into there?

–

Her about info:
I am a cool, laid back, no drama, funny and fun girl who will rock your world! I love 2 try new things and will show some of my favorite! I love to be crazy and adventurous. If you think you can handle it.

Interested In: Men and Women

–

On Monday, she finally responds

–

Jelli: look at my pics.to know…

davepoobond: i cant look at your pictures

Jelli: huh really?

davepoobond: yeah it says that you dont share it with me

Jelli: but you see my profile pic.?

davepoobond: yeah

Jelli: so what you say?

davepoobond: what do i say about what

Jelli: to my pic.?

davepoobond: i dont really know, i cant tell what you really look like

Jelli: tell me the truth what are you looking for?

davepoobond: for what?

Jelli: are you single?

Jelli: i i want you to answer me if you are looking for relationship

davepoobond: yeah im single, sure im looking…

davepoobond: what are you on facebook for?

Jelli: me too im looking for serious relationship

Jelli: you there?

davepoobond: yeah

Jelli: sory to disturbing you

davepoobond: you’re not bugging me

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: so, why are you interested if i’m single or not

Jelli: im just asking

davepoobond: how old are you

Jelli: turning 23 this month

Jelli: you?

davepoobond: 25

Jelli: ok

Jelli: bussy

davepoobond: you are?

Jelli: nope

davepoobond: what time is it now in the phillipines

Jelli: 4:10am

davepoobond: wow how come you’re still up

Jelli: yea i cant sleep

Jelli: you talked other girl?

davepoobond: what other girl?

Jelli: i think your busy to other girl here on facebook

davepoobond: no, i’m not talking to another girl on facebook right now

davepoobond: so, what do you like to do in your spare time

Jelli: ok,honestly im looking for job here,for my financial

davepoobond: looking for job in the phillipines?

Jelli: yea

Jelli: you did not know im here in philippines now?

davepoobond: no, I didn’t

davepoobond: didn’t you say your aunt was sick?

Jelli: yea,thats the reason if i am here now

davepoobond: arent you coming back eventually? why are you trying to find a job

Jelli: cuz i need to fix my documents to imigration to get me back there in los angeles

davepoobond: what’s wrong with them

Jelli: my visa expired,i need to renew it

Jelli: spent my money for my aunt,cuz i really want to recover her

davepoobond: that sucks

Jelli: yea

Jelli: thats the reason if what im looking for job

davepoobond: where were you born?

Jelli: here in philippines i am not citezen there in L.A

davepoobond: didn’t you say you’re half Filipino? what’s your other half

Jelli: my aunt raised me when im 5yrs old my dad took me to los angeles

Jelli: my father white american

Jelli: my mom filipina

Jelli: hello

davepoobond: hi

Jelli: why you do not responds?tell me if you are bussy?

davepoobond: well i dont really know what to say

davepoobond: but

davepoobond: your dad being a citizen makes it so that you’re a citizen

Jelli: yea but i was born here in philippines

davepoobond: that doesnt matter if your dad is a citizen

davepoobond: that grants you citizenship

davepoobond: he needed to say you were his daughter when he took you when you were 5, or even now he can probably do it…

Jelli: yea cuz im a broken family 🙁

davepoobond: what do you mean

Jelli: my father left my mom

davepoobond: when did that happen

Jelli: when im 14yrs old

davepoobond: where is your mom

Jelli: here in philippines

davepoobond: where is your dad

Jelli: there in L.A

davepoobond: can’t he get you citizenship, since he is a citizen and is your father?

Jelli: yea i do not know to my father

davepoobond: didn’t you say he took you when you were 5, and stayed with you until you were 14?

Jelli: yea

davepoobond: how was he able to bring you to america?

Jelli: i do not know to my father,now my problem is to fix my visa to get back there

davepoobond: if your dad married your mom, she would be a citizen too before he had left her.

davepoobond: what kind of a visa is it

Jelli: residence visa

davepoobond: don’t you go to school at UCLA? why dont you get a student visa temporarily

Jelli: im stop schooling

davepoobond: how were you able to stay before you went to the phillipines

Jelli: to my father home

davepoobond: didn’t you say you didnt know your dad? how would you be able to live with him until right before you go to the phillipines?

Jelli: yea until right before i go here in the philippines

davepoobond: but you said you dont know him

Jelli: i did not told you that

davepoobond: you said it before, scroll up…

davepoobond: so anyway

davepoobond: you can talk to him and have him help you

davepoobond: get citizenship

davepoobond: since you’re his daughter

davepoobond: and he is a citizen

Jelli: i think i did not get you before

davepoobond: ok, so do you get me now?

Jelli: yea

Jelli: in los angeles i am at home with my dad

davepoobond: ok, so why cant he help you get back

Jelli: i email my dad earlier said he broke

davepoobond: how did you get enough money to fly to the phillipines

Jelli: my dad loans to travel here

Jelli: me here

davepoobond: cant he take more loan to get you back?

Jelli: he cant

davepoobond: doesnt he have a job? how does he afford rent? wouldnt getting his daughter back into america be important?

Jelli: i understand my dad,he finance with my sister and me,he finance food with my sister

davepoobond: can you make it so that i can see the rest of your pictures

Jelli: what you mean by that?

davepoobond: if i select the photos tab, it says “Jelli only shares some information with everyone. ”

davepoobond: and i cant see your pictures

Jelli: i will private

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: im private to my profile

Jelli: yea you cant see my pics.

davepoobond: but earlier you wanted me to look at your pictures

Jelli: yea i said earlier you see my profile pic.

davepoobond: so what do you want to talk about

Jelli: you what you want to talk?tell me?

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: anything you want

Jelli: can you open topic

davepoobond: what do you like to do in your spare time

Jelli: honestly im wondering if i am alone,when im on room im wondering how i do to get me back there in L.A

davepoobond: other than that

Jelli: i want go to church to pray my aunt and to my visa fix

davepoobond: what is your aunt sick with

Jelli: breast cancer

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: oh that sucks

Jelli: yea

Jelli: but i know god knows plan to my aunt

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: bussy?

davepoobond: no

Jelli: ok

davepoobond: so what did you do when you were in america

davepoobond: ???

Jelli: looking job again

davepoobond: did you ever have a job

Jelli: before im a cashier in mini mart

davepoobond: what kind of necklace is that in your picture

Jelli: tiffany silver

davepoobond: what kind of glasses do you have

Jelli: reading glass

davepoobond: what kind of earrings are those

Jelli: silver

Jelli: why you askin?

davepoobond: i dont know, why dont you talk about something

Jelli: i share to you,have a problem?

davepoobond: share what?

Jelli: share my prob.sory

davepoobond: what is your problem

Jelli: you know to my documents

davepoobond: what about them

Jelli: to fix it

Jelli: cuz i do not know how i get money to fix it

davepoobond: you just need to find a job

davepoobond: or do some freelance work for people

Jelli: yea but how?

davepoobond: what are you good at doing

Jelli: i dont know

davepoobond: cant you be a cashier

Jelli: im not

davepoobond: i know you’re not

davepoobond: but why can’t you do that in phillipines

Jelli: no hiring in cashier

Jelli: ???

davepoobond: what?

Jelli: you dont answer me

davepoobond: you didnt have a question?

davepoobond: what kind of soda do you like

Jelli: i dont like soda i like orange juice

davepoobond: why dont you like soda

Jelli: cuz have acid

davepoobond: orange juice is technically more acidic than soda

Jelli: nope

davepoobond: it has citric acid in it

Jelli: yea i know juice have acid,but soda acid and spirits right

davepoobond: well, soda has carbonation

Jelli: but with spirits

davepoobond: spirits?

davepoobond: you mean alcohol?

Jelli: yea got it

davepoobond: i mean your right alchohol

Jelli: soda doesnt have alcohol in it unless you put it in there

Jelli: i like gatorade

davepoobond: oh

davepoobond: so what else can i ask you about?

Jelli: ask me then i answer

Jelli: im sleepy

davepoobond: have you ever had a pregnancy scare

Jelli: never

davepoobond: what is your cup size

Jelli: i dont want this topic

Jelli: im sleepy i need to rest

Jelli: thanks to your time

davepoobond: ok, see ya later

–

I looked up her profile picture on Google Images, and it ended up being a chick on some Spanish site who had nude pictures…. she was really hot, but the point being that it wasn’t the same person, obviously, so whatever “Jelli” actually looks like is unknown.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Memorial Day – What Does it Mean to Me?

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Decoration Day is another name for Memorial Day.  Memorial Day honors military people who have died in wars that Americans have fought in.  It is a patriotic holiday that  was originally honored to the Civil War.  Now it also honors veterans from the Spanish-American War, World War 1, World War 2, Korean War, Vietnam War, Desert Storm, Antirent War, The Aroostook War, Black Hawk War, Mexican War, Seminole War, Tripolitan War, Utah War, and the War of 1812.

Memorial Day is celebrated on the last Monday in May.  On Memorial Day people place flowers, flags, and other memorabilia on the graves of people who died in wars which Americans fought in.

We should all be grateful that these people have given their lives so that we can have the freedoms that we have today.

Squackle Broadcasting Company, TV Shows

Forever Repressed: Dog in My Way, Part I

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Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.

Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.

Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.

Sussman: Why would I want to do that?

Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.

Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)

Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.

(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)

Sophie: What the hell?

Sussman: I want to watch TV.

Sophie: Keep petting me!

Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.

Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.

Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.

Sophie: That sucks.

Sussman: You suck!

The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!

Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.

Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.

Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?

Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!

Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!

Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.

Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!

Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.

Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.

Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)

(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)

Other Junk

Major To Major

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I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:

–

“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”

Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”

Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”

Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”

Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”

Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”

Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”

Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”

Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”

Undecided: “Uh…..”

History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”

Computer Science:

try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}

catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}

 

Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”

Liberal Studies: “Same here.”

Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”

Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”

French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”

–

“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”

Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”

Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”

Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”

Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”

Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”

Computer Science:

Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”

Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”

French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”

Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”

Music:

“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”

– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”

–

“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”

Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”

Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”

Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.

Undecided: “Uhh…”

Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”

Computer Science:

DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();

Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”

Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”

Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”