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Battle
It’s quiet…too quiet…the fields of war silently show their gleam of light. The pond stirs silently as the clouds of anguish and torment shadow these dark plains. Not a sound from crickets or the trees rustling by this pond. Suddenly, a head pops up from a field of grass by the pond…but it is no human nor intelligent lifeform’s head…it is no other then Donald Duck. He is wearing an army helmet with camoflauge paint around his face…his eyes shift from left to right, trying to spot an unseen enemy. His eyes widen as a loud bang is heard and he quickly ducks back down and rolls out of the way as an anvil drops to the place he had stuck his head out. From a distance a faint chukle can be heard…The chuckle is low and nearly inaudible…if you ignore the loud “quacks” between the laughter. The laughter and quacking comes from that of Daffy Duck, crouching down in military camoflauge uniform by a tree. His loud quacking and laughter does not go unnoticed…for another lifeform exists out there in the wild. Not a donkey or a platypus or a duck…wait it is a duck. Well, anyways this duck spots the enemy Daffy chuckling by the tree and smirks evily. The enemy has been spotted. He crawls through the brush and silently apporaches his enemy. Daffy, oblivious to Dacky’s existence, trys to spot Donald who has seemingly disappeared. He pops his head up only to realize that some sort of hot air is breathing upon the back of his neck. No, it wasn’t that of the wind or of a tree leaf dancing on his neck. As he fell deep into thought, his eyes shoot up. He knew who it was and slowly turned, facing his enemy Dacky, who is smirking evilly. The silence is broken by a loud quack, but it quickly comes back. Donald, aroused by the quack, slowly pops his head up, looking in the general direction. All he can see is the grass moving, as if something had been there…something…or someone…He slowly lowers his head and crawls through the brush…his eyes are focused on the grass that lay ahead as suddenly ,the grass stops and he sees an opening. And there, lying in the opening, lay a black figure. He lay unconscious, maybe for a short period of time or maybe for a lifetime, but Donald didn’t have time to find out. He quickly crawled over the figure and laid back against the tree trying to figure out who or what could have done this. Suddenly a sound is heard not to far off and Donald looks in the direction. He smirks and slowly crawls over to where the sound was heard. He comes to another opening, slowly peeking around. The sound was that of something hitting wood, and he saw a log near by. He walked over the muddy, soft ground as he came about a log. There was no sign of footprints or anything unusual. He moved closer and his hand encountered a rock. He picked it up and looked in terror. These grounds were muddy and did not contain rocks, and he knew what happened. He knew that the unseen enemy had thrown this rock to distract him. He knew that he had been played all along. So slowly, he turned around, and saw the figure right behind him. He sighed and accepted his fate, as darkness fell upon him in a flash.
DJ Deluxe
This story was started by Stussy4220, but finished by Holmes.
—————————————–
A long time ago in a land far, far away, there’s was little place called ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ (pronounced rappas deelight). ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ is a magical place where DJ’s, Pimps, Prostitutes, Dealers, and, of course, Rappaz live. Obviously, ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ isn’t where all these people do their business, they go to New York to do that. Anyway, in ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ there is a swell lil’ yungin named DJ DeLuXe. He’s only 13 years old, but that’s not young for someone in ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’. DJ DeLuXe is a struggling Disc Jockey. He can also freestyle sorta well. One day, DeLuXe decides to go to his DJ sesai for help in DJing because business hasn’t been going to well for our little hero.
So he hops on his moped and put-pudders away to Sesai’s Pagoda. About three hours later he finally makes it to Sensai’s
“Ahhh I’m finally here” says DeLuXe as he steps of his moped and puts the kickstand down. “Lets check to see what the Sensai has to sen-say!, ah-hahahahahahahaha, whooo, that was a good one!!” he says as he steps up the 400-step flight up to Sensai’s front door. Three hours later he makes it all the way to the top. “Ahh, made it” sighs DeLuXe. “Hey a note!” says DeLuXe as he walks up to the yellow Post-It Note “Hmm what’s it say?”
Gone for some yummy fried chicken, be back in 4 hours, 5 at the latest.
Peace,
§en§ai
“Four or five hours!?!?!?!?!” screams DeLuXe
DeLuXe, angered that Sensai left, starts cursing freestyle…..style. He curses for like an hour, freestylin these swears until he starts rhyming fuck and cheese. How do you rhyme fuck and cheese? I don’t know but DeLuXe did it…must be spanish or something….anyways after he’s done cursing, Sensai appears from the mist behind DeLuXe.
“Sensai…that was very magical…I laughed, I cried…you have reached your freestyle demon called rection.” says Sensai.
“erection?” questions the now giggling DeLuXe.
“No young one…you don’t know the difference between an erection and rection. Here is an erection.” Sensai pulls down his pants as DeLuXe’s eyes pop out. “That is an erection.” says Sensai. “a RECTION is located here.” Sensai pokes the area where DeLuXe’s penis is located. “It is behind the bladder and above the brain but below the rectum…You have to reach deep inside to reach your inner rection.”
DeLuXe pulls out a tickle-me elmo doll. “I now understand the truness and obscene injustice of the rection…”
Sensai says: “Come with me son…come with on my motor water bed as you will see the world as I have…you will see as many rections as I have” and then he mutters “and erections…” Sensai hops on the bed (he is still naked) and he ties the bed around DeLuXe’s butt cheeks and makes him pull the bed. The bed has no wheels or anything.
Sensai then says: “Only after you have seen your inner rection, you can comply onto this journey to rappaz stardome. You will see the many pimps, prostitutes, and playas I have…Only after—”
DeLuXe interrupts: “Why do I have to fuckin pull”
Sensai: “Don’t interrupt young rection illitereate student, silence has now befalled your mind, body, rection and erection” They travel as far as ‘Playa’z D-lyte’ (now know as hawaii) without saying a word to each other. Sensai, still naked, stares off into the sun, burning his iris in his eyes. Suddenly, after going 4 months without saying a word, DeLuXe finally speaks. “Sensai…why is a rection so important?”
Sensai: “Well, my sensai son, one must truly suck on the rection to get the true ideas of what it is. I have sucked on my rection plenty of times and extracted the juices of knowledge and expierience…infact my rection is truly dried out…”
DeLuXe, holding back from laughing: “How do you suck on your own erection?”
Sensai: “Silly boy…sucking a dick is just nasty…I’m talking about a RECTION! A RECTION GOD DAMNIT! Pull into the nearest KFC before my rection bursts with anger.” They pull into the nearest KFC only to realize that they are early, infact, very early because the KFC branch hasn’t even opened yet and won’t open for about 20 years. They decide to set up camp and party all night long with other rappaz and playaz that they pick up. They freestyle the night away. Thats when they meet Dlick Zuka, a rapper from the North-South side. He was the quiet type, smoked marijuana a lot and ate at KFC even though it hasn’t opened yet. They all decide to embark on there journey to find there rections. Sensai then hooks up the bed to Dlick Zucka’s butt cheeks, and lets DeLuXe ride on the bed with him, naked and admiring there rections. They stop by the nearest 2dolla whore store and pick up a bunch of bitches.
DeLuXe, excited by picking up the bitches, then says: “we are gonna get laid tonight!” Unfortunatley the whores didn’t appreciate that and kicked DeLuXe’s ass and Sensai’s ass and they both got fucked by Dlick Zuka. Deciding they were fucked (well not really), they decide to embark on there journey with out Dlick. They ride for days on there waterbed, viewing the worlds great treasures. After being gone for 90 years, they come home to ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’. Unfortunatley the place has completely changed and it turned into a dork hangout called “Harvard.” They decide they’ll live in cardboard boxes outside the place.
One night, after a freezing day, DeLuXe asks his master: “Ok I thought I was going to be the best damn DJ on this side of the planet after I found my rection…”
Sensai sepnds 5 hours in deep thought then, finally, he answers the question: “No, bitch, dishwasher” He kicks DeLuXe out of the box and DeLuXe was forced to wander the streets. He heads to a bar and they ask him to freestyle on stage, he does and becomes popular in exactly 12 minutes. Yeah, it’s a world record. You don’t believe me? Read a dictionary…ok maybe it isn’t but whatever. He’s more popular then you. Anyways, Sensai never dies and is still that homeless bum outside of harvard talking about erections/rections and eating KFC chicken on his crappy waterbed. DeLuXe became king of the world and freestyle while he was trying to make world peace but he rhymed fuck and cheese and no one liked that so the world got into a terrible fight and everyone died except the person writing this story. Dlick Zuka was the gayest guy in this story so who cares. And they all lived happily ever after.
A Friend Lost…
I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. The decision would affect today, tomorrow and even next week. I wiped sweat off my forehead, trying to think while my parents urged me to make the decision quickly. They kept reminding me how they didn’t have all day, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I kept telling them that I needed time to think, this was a big decision. A thousand thoughts rushed through my brain, my life flashing before me. Sweat poured down my face like Niagara Falls, each sweat drop hitting the floor with a small inaudible splash sound. My parents eyes were staring into me, awaiting a response. My parents urged me to continue, to choose what had to be chosen. Time was running out, they reminded me. I put my head into my hands, as if my head was falling loose and I could only hold it up. My dad made a loud ahem as I stared up from my dark hands to meet him eye to eye. My dad then said: “Look son, it’s either the white socks, or the gray socks…just make a decision!” Ugh, I thought, it’s just like my dad to make a complicated situation seem so simple. I looked at my choices of socks, thinking each had it’s own benefits and it’s own problems. The white socks stain easily but yet attract attention. While the gray socks, they don’t stain easily but could stain your popularity. I mean being popular was important when your in 5th grade. My dad, tapping his watch to grab my attention, sighed loudly as saying: “Hurry up.” My mom, sticking the choices of socks in front of my face to choose just made things worse. I saw a piece of red lint on the white socks. The horror, Imagine what that would do to my popularity! It would leave a red streak on my life. My hands trembled at the sight. I decided to try the gray sock on. Just then, the unexpected happened. My toenail ripped through the sock! My eyes bulged, I was struck with terror. I couldn’t move a limb. I looked down seeing my oversized toenail ripped through the beautiful grayness. I yelled out: “NooooooooooOOOOooo!” I put my head in my hands remembering the times I had with the gray sock. Oh what fun we use to have, playing in the dirt outside and so on. I met my first shoe with this sock. My mom said: “Oh dear” and took the sock off. I opened my eyes to the sight of her putting on the white sock. I stayed quiet, letting her adjust the sock so it wouldn’t be ripped through by my Godzilla toenails. She slipped on the other one on, taking the red piece of lint off. She slid my shoes on as she grabbed my backpack and handed it to me. I took it with no enthusiasm as I kept my head down. I lost an important friend that day.
Little Red Riding Tax Collector
Once there was a man who wore this red sweat shirt and red pants. He looked really stupid but infact was not. He only had the Ebola Virus. He use to ride upside down on his horse named red. His sattle was on the horses stomache and so he’d bonk his head on the ground everytime the horse stretched his legs.
One day he had to go collect taxes from George W Bush and his boss said: “Take this suit case with you and make sure you deliver it to his hands IMMEDIATLY!” The boss then slapped him on the ass and the tax collector left with the suit case. He got on his horse and he was off, bonking his head along the way. But, behold, a Portuguese Samurai with Bipolar diease heard what the boss said and he grinned evily. He was going to steal that nice suit case and sell it on the French black market.
So the Samurai jumped on his very own skunk and rode off towards the direction the tax collector went. But the samurai knew a shortcut through the Marijuana fields. He quickly made a lemonade stand, only not making lemonade, but making Spam on Ham sandwich stand. Now this grabbed the tax collectors attention. The tax collector fell off his horse and walked over.
The samurai said: “Look at That thing behind you!” Of course there was nothing there but the tax collector turned around and looked. The samurai then ran down to Bushs house and rang the door bell. Bush peaked out and the samurai bonked him on the head with beef jerky. Bush suddenly got hit with like 1000 calories and passed out. The samurai then dragged his body under the bed and took all his clothes.
Meanwhile the tax collector is still staring behind him trying to find what the samurai was pointing (what an idiot) and then decided to just go collect taxes because he was standing there for 3 hours straight. He got on his horse and bonked his head all along the way to Bush’s house.
He knocked on the door and the samurai (dressed as bush) opened the door. The tax collector handed him the brief case and asked for the Tic Tacs that he had to pay for his taxes. “Bush” gave him a whole box of tic tacs and the collector almost had a heart attack.
He had never seen a WHOLE bottle of TIC TACS! The tax collector went back home. The samurai opened the brief case and it was a coversational tape that helps you learn German and a bottle of spanish olives. The samurai ate the olives and later died of constipation. George W Bush late woke up but couldn’t find his way out from under the bed even though it wasn’t even a Queen size and died of starvation.
The End
The Day I Went Blind
I remeber that day well…I just came out of my english class, feeling my bodily fluids ready to burst out…I walked quickly to the bathroom, which seemed like a mile! The tile floors were white and red and tan, and I stared at them as I walked to the bathroom. Suddenly, I forgot where the bathroom was! I REALLY had to go, so i looked around, trying to find a sign that said “Boys” or “Men” or even (i was that desperate) “Girls”. I could see the bathroom sign marking: “Boys” as I jolted torward the door. I opened the door when I herd whispering and giggling. Until the door shut I herd a loud whisper say: “Shhhh here comes someone now!” and then it fell silent. I stepped into the bathroom, behind the bathroom wall until I saw it….It looked like a basketball with a big crack down the center. It had a wart on the left “cheek”. I herd someone yell: “You got MOONED”! I felt faint, my body took a 50 foot drop as I feel to the floor, with my eyes open. I couldn’t close them with out having that disgusting picture put into my vision. I winced a few times hearing the kids leaving as they went over the story over and over…I went blind…
Leafy Bob the Muffin Eater
One day, a leaf named Leafy Bob fell from a tree, falling on a muffin. Suddenly, the muffin…DISAPPEARED!!
The guy who was eating the muffin got mighty mad at the leaf for eating his muffin. So, he ate the leaf. But, what the guy didn’t know, was that Leafy Bob was a magician!! Next thing the guy knew, Leafy Bob took over his body.
Leafy Bob led the body over to the local supermarket. (We can’t say the name of the company because then they’ll want royalties on the money this story will make. For the purpose of this story, it’ll just be called Shplar)
Leafy Bob entered Shplar, screaming in a rageful manner, “Where’s YOUR MUFFINS!?”
Then, the store manager, looking over to the guy, said “Oh, Mr. Wellington, you own this store, you get muffins everyday. Oh well, they’re right here.” The store manager leads him to “The AISLE OF MUFFINS…” (echo).
“Muffins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob ran down the aisle, like a vacuum sucking up all the muffins.
“What THE FUCK!!” the store manager yelled. The store manager never seen anyone do that, before.
A man was sitting down in The Muffin Eating Room. Leafy Bob ran in and stole it (the muffin that is). The man cried, “oh! you stole my pecan blueberry peach and rhubarb muffin! I spent like two fifty on that!” The man falls down in a fetal position and cries.
Leafy Bob then says, while eating the muffin, “Don’t cry, its a crappy muffin anyway”
Leafy Bob laughed like a maniac, and ran out the window. “Mr. Wellington is less crazy than usual, today…” whispered the store manager to a lady cashier. “Oh, yes. I doubt anyone will care if we had hot sex in a mashed potato bath and then put the mashed potatos back in the cans in the canned mashed potato aisle” whispered the lady cashier to the store manager.
Anyway
“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuufins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob crawled along the ground, looking for muffins. he climbed all the way up a small hill, and looking down he could see a one-of-a-kind sex park, with naked people chasing each other, and porking each other. It was an STD garden, one might say. But being a leaf as he was, Leafy Bob din’t know what the hell was happening. “Umm…muffins?” He looked at all the people, and when he looked to the left, there were two people on top of each other, rolling toward him. They were going to kill him!! Being a leaf as he was, he jumped off the hill, but being a human right now, he just fell on a giant boulder, cracking all his ribs on the left side into 15 pieces each.
“NYAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed out in pain. Almost unconcious, he rolled down the rest of the hill, after hitting the boulder, ending up in the STD infested sand pit. And wouldn’t you know? 3 people jumped on top of him, getting it on.
Leafy Bob opened his eyes, seeing the people on top of him. He had to kill them now, for trying to kill him…if they didn’t give him muffins.
“Muffins?” Leafy Bob said, with a high voice, because they were on top of him.
“Oh yeah, I got a muffin right here baby…” one of them said with a stupid sounding oice, as they started French kissing Leafy Bob, one in the mouth, and the other two in the ears.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed like a silly little girl. He wanted out.
Fortunately, when he screamed, the three people that were on top of him’s ear drums shattered and their brains started gushing out, instantly draining their bodies of all their blood, and brains, killing them.
Leafy Bob got up and ran away. There were no muffins here.
Leafy Bob was in pain, lots of it. He had enough pain to fill buckets and sell them! Which he was, for muffins. There was a big sign that said: “Buckets of Pain, only one muffin.” Unfortunately for Leafy Bob, people didn’t use muffins as currency, so Leafy Bob went to a friendly neighborhood on a street called Muffin Road. There must be muffins there since it was named Muffin Road.
Well, he found muffins. He ate them.
THE END
Goopy Blip
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
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It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
…………..
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
The Manicle
Written in conjunction with stimpyismyname
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Inside an “abandoned” wherehouse music store, lurks the evil evil man, Mr. Dr. Evil, that is not from Austin Powers because this is an entirely different story as you will see.
Well, here came along Miss Poodle back from pooing off the Statue of LIberty. She said, “Well, I am relieved now and the statue has a lovely new brown coat!”
And then Mr. Dr. Evil (that’s his full name), he…exposed…how he loathed all fat women named Miss Poodle, when he exclaimed, “How I loathe you fat women, named Miss Poodle!”
Miss Poodle was flabbergasted and said, “I’m flabbergasted,” she also added, “I have gas and my armpits are sweaty.”
Mr. Dr. Evil said, “Get out of my house, for I too have gas and together, we….um….yeah”
Miss Poodle got very interested. She raised a finger and as she did, the excitement was too much for her and she farted.
THE END…
nope
Mr. Dr. Evil realized then that he hadn’t gotten new shoes from Payless, and he ran away from his lab rather quickly, but being careful to not step on Miss Poodle, because, along with her large…um…thing…she was very attractive in a very strange way.
After getting his Land Before Time shoes, he was happy.
After Mr. Dr. Evil and Miss Poodle had a brief love affair, Mr. Dr. Evil decided that she was too big to handle…har har…and he would, have to giver her his Terribly Bad Bad Bad Evil Dangerously Bad Untested Big Bad Bottled Potion.
Oh no! Miss Poodle turned into The Manicle! The super cool fat lady that’s not really a lady comma but a man, and…and…and Mr. Dr. Evil is gay.
The Manicle is a guy with a spike on his….a real one, that can retract just like Wolverine’s but its on his head, not his hands.
The Manicle killed Mr. Dr. Evil because he’s gay and he doesn’t like gay people.
You may think its The End, but its not.
The Reason Pigs Fly: A Manifesto
There once was a town in east Oregon named baloopateeassssiville. Believe it or not it was a clown nudist colony. Now you may ask yourself. WHAT THE HELL ARE CLOWNS NAKED FOR! I am here to tell you. My name is Horatio the weasel clown and this is my manifesto.
It was a hot afternoon in mid September. The bees were out, the bees are always out. There are so many god damn bees. Back to the story. Well I was out walking my french poodle name Jose, when you know who I ran into? It was my ex-wife btichass the clown.. This was about 6 years before we became a nudist colony. That happened after the war. Well as I was saying I was walking when my little doggy took a little poopoo. Well you would not believe this but my ex wife comes and picks it up, puts it into a paper cup, adds water and PRESTO you have poop water. I was in the middle of throwing up when she asked what the matter was. I can’t believe you did that you swappy* bitch, that was dog shit yo (I was in the middle of the phase where I was talking in strange tongues). She said yes but it’s good for my asthma. I said yeah right skank, I challenge you to a duel. She said in a very feminine voice “Oh, is that like a party”. I said smirking “yeah kinda”. She said “Great, I’ll bring crumpets”. Her ignorance brought me to the point where I wanted to cut her and eat her heart. I settled for a piece of broccoli and corned beef.
Well it was the day of the duel and as was expected, she brought the damn crumpets. We sat down for a few minutes. We talked of the current japanese invasion of Virginia and caught up on the local news, movies, and books. I was almost beginning to revoke the proposal of a duel, when she brings out the biggest fish I Have ever seen. Even more amazingly, she had two. She said, I figured instead of a duel we could throw these fish. I said “I suppose so” with a sigh of relief. We mutually decided she should go first as she brought the fish. She threw it, and man the bitch could throw. Paranoia began to leap over me. What if I could not beat her throw I would be the laughing stock of the town. I began to sweat intensely and began drooping. She handed me my fish and said “Beat that if you can” she said. I said “I think I will if you don’t mind”. Well the winds had been kind that day and my throw was possibly a world record, I kid you not. That’s when the attack kicked in. I became dizzy and I was shaking like you would not believe. I collapsed in a sudden big heap. You would not believe the intensity I felt. It was like being reborn. They say I’ve lost it. But I’ve stopped listening to them. They can never take me again.
Jenkins
Once upon a time there was a shoe salesman named Jenkins. He had a terrible life. He was gay, an alcoholic, weighed 450 pounds, and he hadn’t sold a pair of shoes since 1978. Then one day the tooth fairy came to him. He said “what the hell are you doing here, you’re the tooth fairy, get away”. The tooth fairy said “No. You are pretty weird. I’m here to help you and you won’t except my help. What kind of position are you in to shoo me away huh fatty?” Then Jenkins said fine, What should I do. So the tooth fairy extracted all of his teeth, made his hair pink, made him work out until he weighed 98 pounds, and put him in a permanent tutu. His life got even worse. So he shot the tooth fairy with a shot gun and he exploded. Jenkins is living in a mental institution as of now and the tooth fairy has not been seen since. The moral of the story is, don’t trust the tooth fairy or your life will suck forever.
The End
Billy Bob
Moo, Pennsylvania, probably the smallest town in America should go down in history. It has a population of twelve people, 436 chickens, 115 pigs, and an old dog that ironically has the name Puppy. The town consists of four houses, a one room school house that has four students, a gas station, and of course a KFC. Now in this town people have the choice of three careers–a gas station attendant, a teacher who teaches every grade, or a farmer.
Now in this town lives a man named Billy Bob. Fat, ugly and stupid, nobody likes Billy Bob. Due to his lack of social skills, Billy Bob has worn the same shirt and jeans for two years. For some odd reason, he smells like shoe polish. He’s very clumsy and almost always doing something wrong. In a town with a population of twelve people it’s easy for people to get on each other’s nerves. People were considering throwing him out of town.
One day while Billy Bob was working in the cornfields, he tripped over a bag and fell in some cow poop. He began to swear and punch at nothing, when he decided to take a look in the bag. In it was one million dollars in hundred dollar bills. Billy Bob immediately decided what he wanted to do with it. First, he wanted to buy a bunch of chicken wings, second, he wanted to buy a boat (this should show you what kind of an idiot he was, seeing as there was no water within 150 miles, and he had no car), and, third, he wanted to buy some gum.
He immediately went to the KFC and ordered 200 buckets of chicken wings. The waitress asked if he could pay for it and he showed her the bag. He began to eat his chicken wings. After he was pleasantly full, he walked outside and tripped over a pig. He hit his head on a nearby truck and broke his neck and died.
The waitress, noticing he had left his bag in the KFC, walked outside after him with the bag of money. The Mafia all of a sudden gunned her down, and they took the money. The Mafia then shot at the gas station to blow the town up. Their plan, however, backfired. Not only did they blow up the town, but themselves as well. The money hasn’t been seen since.
The moral of the story is don’t fire a gun when your right next to a gas station after killing a waitress who has a million dollars in her hand because a man named Billy Bob had stupidly forgotten it in a KFC. If you do this, you will die.
Stuck In the Past
This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.
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It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.
Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.
Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.
The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.
Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.
Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.
Who Wants a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
I went into the cheapest restaurant in town, El Cheapo’s Cheapo Cuisine because I was hungry. The air was stuffy, and had a combination of various smells which seemed to combine into a sharp smell that made my boogers shrivel back up into my sinuses.
I took a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on my tray. There was a theory that all the food in ECCC was actually all the leftover food from all the other restaurants in town, so you had to choose your food wisely. When I sat down, I ate the “grilled cheese sandwich,” gained super powers and flew off into the sunset.
Afterwards, the SWAT team raided the ECCC for selling food past their expiration date.
Moral: Don’t eat bad food, or you’ll get diabetes or super powers.
Capitalistic Tyranny
I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.
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A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.
The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.
As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.