Squackle.com: The Funniest Site on the Net

To call up a scuba diver, just dial…1-800-H20

To call up a star baseball player, just dial…1-800-RBI

Tags: baseball, scuba diver, telephone

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9:00 - Saved by the Phone Bell

10:00 - Sesa-it’s-for-me! Street

11:00 - Movie of the Week: The Call-Waiting of the Wild

12:00 - Movie of the Month: He’s Not Home Alone Right Now, II

1:00 - Cartoon: Chip ‘n Dial Rescue Rangers

2:00 - Life-dials of the Rich and Famous

3:00 - Lambchop’s Play-a-long Distance

4:00 - Read-ding-a-ling-a-ling Rainbow

5:00 - Rom-per-son-to-person Room

6:00 - Nightly Busy-ness Report

7:00 - Fresh Prince of Bell-Air

8:00 - Phe-wrong-nom-ber

9:00 - Saturday Night Live Wire

10:00 - Hangin’ Up on Mr. Cooper

Tags: movie, telephone, television

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How to Avoid Long Phone Calls by Xavier Breath

Can You Dial Direct? by Fred I. Kant

Is This Phone Call Over? by Midas Wellby

Calling the Barnyard by Tobias A. Pigg

Midnight Phone Calls by Eliza Wake Now

Tags: book, telephone

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Love Rocket - The Captain tricks his passengers into taking space-walks without lifelines.  Different cast each week.

Star Ick! - Story of a space doctor who is all thumbs!  Not for the squeamish.

Hidden Camera - Secret cameras in the Black Hole photograph darkness.  No plot.  Restful on the eyes.

Six Dollar Man - CHeap computerized humanoid spends each week wondering when his transistors are going to short out.

M*U*S*H - Medical unit during foolish war on strange planet.  Wounded robots keep reassembling themselves.  Doctors feel unwanted.

Merv Graffiti - Talk show.  Interviews with space creatures and a talking pet rock.  Dull.  Rock is lousy conversationalist.

Eight Is Too Much - Dad has problems trying to raise eight space creatures while orbiting the Earth in a rocket with only one bathroom.

Mook & Cindy - Female from Earth lands on weird planet and moves in with space creature.

Fantasy Planet - Dull fantasies.  Everybody wishes they were back on Earth!

Mary Tyler Less - Hilarious adventures of a career girl on a Space Station.  Will the boss give her a raise?  Or will she just drift in space?  Who cares?

The Zonic Woman - Adventures of a female humanoid whose voice is programmed so loud she causes a zonic boom wherever she goes.  People are glad when she leaves.  And then–BOOM!

For more listings, read TV Glutton Magazine.

Tags: alien, space, television

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Lassie’s Comet
A Star With a Tail

Astronauts
Out to Launch!

Explore the sun!
Go at night!

Skylab fell
Due to lack of support

Planet MacDonald’s Has
Golden Arch

Space Food Causes Empty Feeling

Moon Fell–
Beams gave way

Space Food
In a few light years, you’re hungry again!

Tags: asteroid, food, graffitti, Lassie, moon, space

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Strike Three - by U.R. Out

Last-Inning Cliffhangers - by D. Bases, R. Loaded

Last-Second Touchdown - by Justin Time

Interception - by E. Bluitt

The Referee Is Always Right - by R.U. Nuts

Sports Medicine - by Frank N. Stein

The Washington Redskins - by T.P. Dweller

Great Basketball Plays - by Jim Shoes

Improve Your Foul Shooting - by Mr. Completely

Basketball Bloopers - by Dub L. Dribble

Calisthenics - by Stan Dupp and Neil Down

Skateboard Hotdogging - by Frank Furter

Ice Hockey for Beginners - by I.M. Freezin

Hockey Plays - by I.C. Tose

Bowling Strikes - by M.T. Lane

Boxing Knockouts - by Seymour Stars

Tags: baseball, basketball, book, bowling, boxing, football, hockey, skateboard, sports

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1. “Can I help you clean your room?”

2. “You decide what movie we go to.  You have much better taste!”

3. “I don’t like hanging around with your friends.  They’re much too sophisticated for me.”

4. “Can I finish your lima beans?”

5. “Here’s your sweater back.  I had it cleaned before I returned it.”

6. “You don’t have to entertain me while Mom and Dad are out.  I’ll go up to my room and read a book by myself.”

7. “You take the biggest piece of pie.  I’m too full!”

8. “I’ll be happy to lend you ten dollars.  Pay it back whenever you can.”

9. “Can I do your math homework for you tonight?  I don’t have much to do.”

10. “It wasn’t your fault.  It was all my fault.”

11. “I saw you were on the phone, so I decided to be silent.”

12. “Why don’t you wear my new Springsteen sweatshirt? It looks better on you!”

13. “Betcha I can wash and dry the supper dishes all by myself!”

14. “You sit in the front seat.”

15. “I started the fight.  You didn’t!”

Tags: brother, Bruce Springsteen, dishes, fight, homework, math, money, pie, sister

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There’s always someone around to blame for starting all the fights!

You’re not the only one who won’t eat the cauliflower!

When you catch a cold or the flu, there’s someone to share it with!

There are more birthdays to celebrate, and more presents that your brothers and sisters will be delighted to share with you!

There’s always someone around who can keep a secret from your mother - at least until she gets home from the store!

Your room is not the only one in the house that looks as if it was in the path of a hurricane!

There’s always someone dying to tell you the end of the movie you’re about to see so you don’t have to waste your time being surprised!

There’s always someone around to help you develop a sense of humor about yourself by teasing you all the time.

There’s always someone else in the house who votes for watching The Monkees instead of the six-o’clock news, so your dad is outvoted again!

There’s someone else who will break your best toys so you don’t have to feel bad that you did it yourself!

There are always interesting phone conversations to pretend you’re not listening to!

There’s someone to gobble up all the cookies and candy in the house before you can get to them or you don’t have to worry about your teeth rotting!

When Mom and Dad are yelling, it isn’t always about YOU!

You’re not the only one who won’t eat liver!

There’s always someone around to fight with so you don’t have to fight with your friends!

Tags: birthday, brother, candy, cookie, liver, movie, sister, toy

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The ones you’re always tripping over when you’re trying to do your homework, and the ones who can’t be found anywhere when you feel like a game of catch!

The ones who think it’s hilarious to pick up the phone extension and hiccup while you’re talking to a friend!

The ones who borrow your best white sweater, and when they return it, it’s your best black sweater!

The ones who can’t explain how peanut butter got in your hairbrush!

The ones who can’t explain how your hairbrush got into their room.

The ones who keep their rooms clean and as neat as a pin because they spend all their time in yours!

The ones who think it’s fun to tease you all day long about your new haircut.  Then when you tease them back, they cry!

The ones you have to find a bathroom for when there isn’t a bathroom within twenty miles!

The ones who somehow can’t find anything else to do but sit next to you when your friends come over!

The ones who have no idea how all those grasshoppers got under your pillow!

The ones who, whenever your friends come over, think it’s a riot to call you by your totally embarrassing middle name.

The ones who eat the last slice of chocolate cake when you’ve had your eye on it for hours!

The ones who save their allowance until it adds up to a fortune, while you’ve spent every penny you ever had!

The ones who magically become invisible when someone has to walk the dog on a rainy day.

The ones who don’t get caught making silly faces at the dinner table.

The ones who always know how to make you laugh when you’re drinking so that you get a quart of milk up your nose!

The ones who want to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island when you want to watch the baseball play-offs.

Tags: baseball, bathroom, dinner, hairbrush, hiccup, money, peanut butter, sweater, telephone

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1. …you’re the first to leave.  And it’s your party.

2. …all the refreshments are pink and red to match the valentine theme.

3. …they show a movie in the middle of the party, and the star is a big purple dinosaur.

4. …the invitation says “dance party,” and everyone is dressed in pink leotards and ballet slippers.

5. …after waiting all night for the really cute guy or girl to ask you to dance, you have to say “NO!” because you have to get home before curfew.

6. …you’re forced to play musical chairs all night, even at the dinner table.

Tags: party, Valentines Day

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1. I’m crazy for you…but I’m also crazy about the werewolf!

2. You’re good looking in a way…far, far away!

3. You have a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!

4. You’re the kind you have to look at twice…the first time you just don’t believe it!

Tags: dog, face, Valentines Day, werewolf

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10. They don’t know the number for the corner pizza take-out.

9. All the good salad bars are closed at night.

8. Bodies don’t have expiration dates.

7. The cannibals are convinced bodies taste like chicken.

6. They watched Alive! too many times.

5. Eating bodies is their solution to the lack of burial plot space.

4. They believe bodies work better than Metamucil.

3. They decided they need more protein in their diet.

2. Bodies are high in fiber and contain no preservatives.

1. They get carried away by the idea that "You are what you eat."

Tags: cannibal, metamucil, movie, pizza, salad

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Always…

1) Look both ways before crossing the street. (Road kill should always be small animals.)

2) Eat your cereal before it gets soggy. (Gag me with the spoon.)

3) Drink your milk before it gets hot. (Barf, anyone?)

4) Clean those crusty things out of your eyes before you try to walk around in the morning.

5) Give your teacher an apple; just check for worm holes and rotten parts.

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Never…

1) Eat greasy food before going on a roller coaster. (Sometimes what goes down does come up.)

2) Pick your nose and park it on the bedpost. (Who wants to see that later?)

3) Have Doritos before going on anything resembling a date. (Breath with a bad attitude.)

4) Drink anything anybody hands you. (Lugey alert!)

5) Wet the bed if you’re on the top bunk.

Tags: animal, apple, attitude, barf, bed, cereal, date, Doritos, food, milk, roller coaster, spoon, teacher, worm

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It all depends on how you spend it.  When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour.  And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.

The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.

Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.

The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.

The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.

A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.

Tags: girlfriend, house, Saturday, snail, time, watch

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“My business is looking better,” said the optometrist.

“My business is down in the dumps,” said the garbage man.

“Mine is rolling in dough,” said the baker.

“Mine is slow,” said the turtle salesman.

“My business is for the birds,” said the pet store owner.

“My business has sunk to a new low,” said the deep-sea diver.

“My business is turning sour,” said the pickle salesman.

“Mine is going up,” said the elevator operator.

“My business is sick,” said the doctor.

Tags: baker, bird, business, doctor, elevator, garbage man, optometrist, pickle, turtle

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