The Autobiography of Arby, the Crappy Fast Food Restaurant Owner

Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!

It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.

Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.

I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?

Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!

As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.

Or so we thought.

That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…

THE END

 

Die Clown DIE!

Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment

“Mr. Zog, please come in here,” Mr. Zog’s boss said. Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts to walk to his boss’s office.

“Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!” Mr. Zog could hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.

“Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery.” Mr. Zog looked sad, and walked toward the door.

“Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment” Mr. Zog’s boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said “See ya later,” when Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, “Wouldn’t wanna be ya”

 

Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt

“Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called ‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me, sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces,” thought Mr. Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the “police” car.

He then said, “Hello everybody, I’m on assignment with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns.”

Deputy Jimmy Jones then added “That’s right, there are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns, but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of clown in the world…..the ones who smoke cigarettes!”

The computer in the car started to beep. That means there is a sighting of a clown.

The computer beeped and said, “Clown that smokes cigarettes sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and said “Let’s roll!” as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on a Ricky Martin CD.

Mr. Zog yells, “AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust, “Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!”

Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, “I can’t take this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon….”

 

Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break

Suddenly the Police Car stopped.

Then the Mr. Zog said, “Hey, what is this place??”

Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, “Don’t worry, we’re stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back.” Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr. Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’ over and over again.

 

Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits

Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he walked in, they stopped talking.

The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, “I thought you were staying in the car” Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring of powder and frost on their lips.

He finally said, “Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok…” Then he walked over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.

Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the ‘doughnuts’, “Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?” Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face. Then he replied, saying, “Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts…yeah that’s it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you…eat…it…”

Mr. Zog replied, “Don’t mind if I do” as he reached and picked up one of the donuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog chomped away at the doughnuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “Hey, slow down, foo! Save some for us!” Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones has a bewildered look on his face.

Mr. Zog managed to say, “Ch…o….k…i…nn..gg…” But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth, and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out a syringe of some kind….

 

Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns…or Cheap Coffee

Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it, he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr. Zog and started to walk toward the café.

 

Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up

For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “By the way what’s you name?”

Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, “Uhhhh, umm…..Mr. Zog”

Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “Oh, that’s a nice name, Mr. Zog,” just as they walked through the door.

Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, “THERE HE IS!! THERE’S THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!” The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over the place.

“What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, “SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!”

 

Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat

The Clown says, “I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon says, “YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

 

Chapter 7: The Torture of It All

After about an hour of saying, “I’m not going”, and “yes you are”, the cops get the clown into the police car.

Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, “What are you going to do to me???”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “We’re going to take you to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes, set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead.”

Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, “Does it have to be a 1000 times?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “No, we’ll make it 10,000, just for you.” Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, “Gee, thanks…..”

Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says, “You’re welcome.”

 

Chapter 8: Fresh Meat

When they got to the police station there was a crowd of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.

Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips and said, “Fresh meat” and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose Poop the Clown’s legs.

 

Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window

Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and dropped down.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, “We’ll be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog.” Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until the light turned off.

After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back in and punched the clown in the kidneys.

The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, “Let’s go to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while.”

 

Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo

On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Ah, crap”

The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, “What is it?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I stepped in poo….now my new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly….they cost a lot of moolah.”

 

Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn

“Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some hippie clowns are there.” Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone. When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns and a lady that was screaming.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “This isn’t a pretty sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long.” The Sheriff gets out of the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his gun and comes back to the car.

“See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.” Sheriff Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on.”

 

Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo

When the police officers got out of the car, they made their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.

Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I’m like a poo magnet…”

 

Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!

Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon later find themselves at a party.

Mr. Zog thinks to himself, “Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there are some hot chicks here!” But unfortunately for him he finds that this was a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was singing his song “Clown, Clown, Baby.” “CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY…..CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY ” says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun shots were.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, “YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a smile on his face.

 

Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead

“BLAM, BLAM!” Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.

Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, “Sheriff, there are too many!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie on his shoulder and yelled, “Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements immediately!!!” Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with flame-throwers and rifles.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!” Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said, “MELLLLTTINNGG….MMEELLLTTTINNGG” except for one who said it in Spanish. Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were shot while fighting each other….

 

Chapter 14: Later That Night

Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers that participated in the “glorious” event as he said it.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “Good job everybody, you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!” Just about then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, “Wow, that was actually fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’ beer…..uuugghh….I don’t feel to good” And the last thing he could remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon….

 

Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand

In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then, and then, and then…..Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Mr. Zog looked around and calmed down.

 

Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses

Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, “Hey, why’d you scream?” But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a bag, clearly marked, “Weird Sack of Puppy Poo.” Mr. Zog looked up and said, “Uhhh….nightmare….” Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Oh ok” as he got up, turned away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his skin, and what he was….was….he was….an….an……alien!!!! The alien screeched, “I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!” Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all “snowy.”

 

Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most Wanted

The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV screen next to him and said, “That was the captured footage of the clown abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man, Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching, booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1. All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um….ok, bye….”

 

Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!

Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on the right says, “Hi, my name is Woo!” The other person then said, “My name is Hoo!” They then both said in unison, “And this is Sergeant Scruff.” The little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, “Now’s the time to say good byyyeee” As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, “So, bye.” Then they walk away.

 

So Goes the Mob

“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”

“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”

“It started like this”

‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.

‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.

‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.

‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.

‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.

‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.

‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.

‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”

I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.

“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).

“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”

“Squack”

“Who said that?”

“I did”

“Oh ok”

Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.

“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.

“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.

The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.

The

End

‘Yay’

 

Walking Down the Street…

so i was walking down the… street… and…. uhh …wha? huh? oh, ok. yeah. and you know, circus monkeys make a lot of money… and…. uh- wha? huh? weasels aren’t very trustworthy, hence the stereotype… and… yeah. so i was walking… um… huh? wha- oh, already did that. if i was a baboon, i’d make pancakes… yes. when you put yoour right middle finger on your right index finger while doing the “whatever w” you can say “whatever peanut”. that’s just something you might want to try sometime… okay. lolipops remind me of puking, i don’t know why. i hate the feeling of puking. it’s all hot and big… it’s like pooping hot crap out of your mouth with a headache. blegh! i know some ways to say puke: upchuck, throw up, puke, lose your lunch, dinner, ect., barf, blow chunks, hurl, hwarf, spew, jetteson, deport, expatriate, repatriate, resettle, exile, banish, transport, seclude, extrude, throw up, cast up, wash up, wash ashore, spit out, cough up, spew out, put out, push out, throw out, chuck out, fling out, bounce, propel kick out, boot out, give the bum’s rush, throw out on one’s ear, give the heave-ho, hustle out, drum out, eruption, eruptiveness, outbreak, egestion, regurgitation, disgorgement, vomiting, throwing up, nausea, vomit, barf, upchuck, eructation. so, that’s all i have to say. yes.

 

Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin

Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun

The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,

the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…

 

“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.

“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.

“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.

“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose

Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.

“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.

“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.

“Knockity knock knock!”

“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.

“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.

By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.

“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”

” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”

“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.

“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.

Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia

Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…

There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.

“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”

“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”

“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin

All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.

Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.

Chapter 3 Why?

You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!

Chapter 4 Moose says Moo

“Moo,” says Moose.

Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo

Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.

“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.

Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:

“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo

“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.

“Chatter- squeak!!”

“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”

Chapter 6 Evil People

Back to the warehouse…

“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.

“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”

“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.

“Well you see-”

“See what, I don’t see anything.”

“Well I have these-”

“These what? Speak up!”

” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”

“With the what?”

“Sir would you please let me finish!!”

“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”

“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”

“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”

“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”

“Gasp!”

“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“………………Yep.”

“Alright, shut-up.”

Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars

We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.

Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.

“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”

The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.

“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.

He is using the leg as a kind of bat.

Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.

“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.

“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”

“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”

Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down

down

down.

“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.

“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.

Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.

“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.

“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.

“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.

Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)

We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets

looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:

“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”

He walks in front of a weird shop called:

THE I.T.C.H.

Hippie Heaven

-It’s Quacktastic!-

A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:

“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”

“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.

“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”

“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”

“What?”

“Don’t do drugs.”

“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”

“Duh, okay.”

“Quack!”

“Where’d that come from?!”

“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”

“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”

“Corn- ear?”

“That way.”

Chapter 9 Payphone Rage

Moose walks up to the payphone.

“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”

“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.

A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”

“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”

“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.

“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”

“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”

Moose is angry. (You would be too!)

“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.

Moose dials a number.

Chapter 10 Squack Returns

“Um, hello?” says Moose.

“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”

“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.

“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”

“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.

After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.

“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.

“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.

“Well take it.”

“Um… okay…”

Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.

“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.

“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.

“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”

“Uh, thank you…”

“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”

“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”

“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”

“Okay, bye.”

Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.

A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.

“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”

Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!

Chapter 11 I am The Rock

We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”

“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.

“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”

The Rock’s cell phone rings.

“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”

“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”

“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.

“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.

The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.

“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.

Chapter 12 New Allies

We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe

A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.

“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”

“Okay, bye,” says Moose.

“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.

The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.

“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.

They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.

Chapter 13 Hideout

Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front

of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.

The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.

“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”

“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”

The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.

“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”

“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”

“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”

The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***

” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.

“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.

The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.

“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.

“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.

“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”

“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”

“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”

“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.

Chapter 14 Ponder

Ponder…

Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha

“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.

Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.

Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.

The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.

“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”

The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.

THE WORLD IS SAVED!

Yay!

Chapter 16 Stuff

The Rock-

“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”

The Writer-

Hello! Nya, nya, nya!

 

Bad Pick Up Lines

– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?

– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.

– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.

– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?

– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?

– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.

– Are your legs tired?  You’ve been running through my mind all day long.

– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

– Your awfly perrrtay.

– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.

– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.

– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.

– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!

– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!

– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.

– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?

– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

Things to Ponder

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!

23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?

27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?

28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?

31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?

33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?

38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?

39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

40. Why are SOFTballs hard?

41. Do vampires get AIDS?

42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

48. Can people without hands get a grip?

49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

53. What do people in China call their good plates?

54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?

57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

62. Do mimes watch silent movies?

63. Is the fear of flying groundless?

64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?

65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?

67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

68. Why are boxing rings square?

69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?

70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?

71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?

72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

73. Why do birds have white poop?

74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?

76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.

77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?

80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?

81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

82. What’s the opposite of opposite?

83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?

84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”

86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

88. Why is the blackboard green?

89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?

90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

91. What do you call male ballerinas?

92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?

96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?

98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?

101. Can blind people see their dreams?

102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?

103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?

107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?

108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?

111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?

113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”

114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?

120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?

121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?

126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?

130. How can you hear yourself think?

131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?

140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?

142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?

144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?

145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?

147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?

151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

155. why are turds pinched off at the end?

156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?

159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

161. What would you use to dilute water?

162. What should one call a male ladybird?

163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

168. Aren’t all generalizations false?

169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

174. If so, how could you treat them?

175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?

176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

179. Do fish get cramps after eating?

180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?

184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

188. How can someone “draw a blank”?

189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?

191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?

195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?

198. How is it possible to have a civil war?

199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?

204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

225. If God sneezes…what should you say?

226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?

235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?

240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?

241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?

244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?

253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?

259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?

260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?

261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?

264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

272. Is it possible to be totally partial?

273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

275. Is there a Dr. Salt?

276. Isn’t hot water already hot?

277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?

282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?

283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

285. What came first the chicken or the egg?

286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?

288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

294. What happened to the first 6 ups?

295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

297. What is a free gift?

298. Aren’t all gifts free?

299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?

300. What is the speed of dark?

301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

303. What’s another word for synonym?

304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?

305. When people lose weight, where does it go?

306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

312. Where are Preparations A through G?

313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

314. Who invented accents?

315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?

321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?

324. Why are we afraid of falling?

325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?

326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?

327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?

330. Won’t they all stop eventually?

331. Why do bars advertise live bands?

332. What does a dead band sound like?

333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

335. Why do guys wear underpants?

336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

337. Why do they call it disposable douche?

338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

341. Why do they report power outages on TV?

342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?

344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

345. Why do we have hot water heaters?

346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?

349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?

353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?

357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?

358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?

360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?

361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?

364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?

367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?

368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

371. Why is the alphabet in that order?

372. Is it because of that song?

373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?

374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?

375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?

391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”

398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet?  Tofu?

 

Joke #5277

A blonde is going on vacation, and she’s lookin’ for a little extra money.

She knocks on her nieghbor’s door and and asks if there are any odd-end jobs she could do.

He was like you know actually my porch needs to get painted. She looks at it and says ok I’ll do it for $50 bucks.

He was like whoa that’s a great deal, you can go ahead and get started, paints in the shed.

The man comes back out in a couple hours and sees that there is no paint on the porch. The blonde is walking up the sidewalk as he is about to protest about the porch.

As she nonchalantly says, ” I put on two coats because there was extra paint. Ohh and it’s not a Porsche… It’s a Lexus.”

 

Joke #5253: The Lady and The Bank President

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s alot of money!”

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?

 

“The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

 

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?

 

“The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

 

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

 

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

 

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

 

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 am as a witness?”

 

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the betagain and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

 

Joke #5251: Slacker

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

 

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

 

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

 

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –

“Pizza delivery guy”.