Squacklecast Episode 8 – “Wait Till We Do a Number 9”

This entry is part 8 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

We have a guest this week!  It’s Daniel, the guy that went to the strawberry festival last week.  We put him on the grill and insult his decision for going to the strawberry festival along with his weird two-headed friend, Lucy the Two-Headed Goosey.

Did you have a half naked wannabe Hulk running around during your visit to the theater during The Avengers?  Did he look as bad as this guy who used industrial paint and had to take 20 baths in two days to try to get it off?

Wannabehulk

http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

What have we become? A never ending http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ ad for the http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ Strawberry Festival? http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

In honor of the Zombie Apocalypse, AMC is starting a new show called…

AMC Bath Salts

Zombie Apocalypse 2012:

Guy eating someone’s face off in Florida.

Guy eating his roommates brain in Maryland.

Get off my computer, Jamie Oliver.  You’re not a chemist.  You’re just an asshole.

Silly Jaime Oliver, we shouldn’t be throwing away perfectly edible food.  We should at least ship it off to Africa!

McDonalds used to be a value.  Now they try to sell you everything in bulk so that there is the same perceived value as what was once known as the Dollar Menu.

100 McNuggets

Only 20 bucks!

That new Coldplay song is pretty bad.  It doesn’t even sound like a Coldplay song.

Rihanna looks dumb.  Please remove her from my music and movies.

Rihanna Looks Dumb

Carly Rae Jepsen?  Who stepped in what?  Yet another terrible song for your listening pleasure:

The Sky Is The Limit must be gay code for anal sex.  So is “funnel cake.”

#1 – Piss

#2 – Poo

#3 – Poop and Pee at the same time.

#4 – Poo, Pee, and a Yak (a barf).  Mostly done by bulimics and people who don’t feel very good.

#5 – Opening up your intestine and chopping up parts and throwing it at police (Zombies gotta poop somehow)

The newer Dawn of the Dead introduced running zombies.  Is it really that much weirder than the idea of zombies in the first place?

[Rec] was a “demonic infestation” sort of zombie thing rather than a virus or reanimated corpses due to magic/radiation.   By the way, that was a spoiler.

Want to hire screamers with 13 dB yells or higher to make movies seem more scary than they are.  Apply at the offices of William Castle.

Screamer

Facebook and Mark Zuckerburg jokes are so funny.

The real #5 – Peeing inside someone.  A whole #1, while penetrating them.

#6 – Same thing as #5 but taking a shit on them instead.

#7 – Forced ejaculation

#8 – Vegetables in orifices, coming out.

The #1 (pun intended) defense against Zombies is making a house out of sugary treats.

GingerBread House

#9 – You don’t even need a can opener.  You just peel it back and drop that shit in, then you turn it to medium heat and stir it.

#10 – Strawberry sauce/Period Juice on your Hot Dog.

#11 – “Painting the porta potty.”  The paintbrush is your dick and the porta potty is a person’s ass.

X Squared – all of the above

Boy that was a great one, huh, guys?  Who knows what’s going to happen next week!

 

Florida Hurricane Season Notes

We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and…

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida”, you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.  So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in Paradise (a.k.a. “The Sunshine State”).

 

Joke #18565

Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was asked by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets.

“Gee,” the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should of gone to Florida instead…..everyone here expects to be tipped.”

 

Joke #18397

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road.  After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”

“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.

“Well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”

“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”

“What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.

“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”

 

Don’t Ever Miss the Toilet

Ok, everybody at one point in their life aimed for the toilet and missed. But where does it go? I’ll tell you…

First it lands on the floor, and even if you try to wipe it up, theres still a little left. Then it seeps into floor where rats lick it up. Then the rats mutate and grow bigger and more human like, and then they blend in to our society doing evil things. Don’t give me that look! Its true! Proof? Well, look at President Bush… he’s an evil pee rat, and hes only the president because of all the evil pee rats in Florida. Now tell me I’m wrong!

 

The Top 10 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

10. We’re working on that smell thing, too.

9. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

8. As seen on “COPS.”

7. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets.

6. We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.

5. You rented the room, now buy the video.

4. We’ll leave Lysol for ya!

3. We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

2. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

…and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan…

1. We put the “Ho” in Motel.

 

Joke #5238: Not So Lucky

One day three guys (Dave, Ryan, & Mark) were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says “I’ll tell you what…I don’t feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I’ll let you go.”

The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says “Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there.” Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. “Almost there!” and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says “Well…That’s close enough. I’ll let you guys go anyway.” So she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys “Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher.” and Ryan says “Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!” and Mark goes “Man you guys are lucky I had a boner!!”

 

Squackle Guestbook #20633

Monday 04/26/2004 6:51:01pm
Name: Fathitler Scanlan
Homepage: http://Buggeryboy.com
E-Mail: Nobluefood@prodigy.net, Laurie@rr.com
I like to Smoke Dubbage, Make the “Special Sause” for the McDougals at Papa Johns in Ft.Myers Florida, Pretend that I’m a victim, Anything nazi related
I like Squackle!: Yes
Comments: Look if you can imagine my never endinging tacomo I don’t even know what a “Squackle” is. I loaded this website 6 months ago and now can’t close it. If someone would please email me and tell me how to leave all this “squackle” business behind me I’d be very grateful if you can imagine my cromulence. Hugs And Kisses, Fathitler Scanlan