Vacation

A vacation is when you take a trip to some sexy place with your stupid family.  Usually you go to some place that is near a car or up on a head.  A good vacation is one where you can ride apes, or play sex, or go hunting for boobs.  I like to spend my time gargling or fucking.  When parents go on vacation, they spend their time eating three pizzas a day, and fathers play golf and mothers sit around sexing.  Last summer my little brother fell in a pussy and got poison Venus fly trap all over his dick.  My family is going to a strip club, and I will practice partying.  Parents need vacations more than kids because parents are always very sexy and because they have to work 69 hours every day all year making enough dicks to pay for the vacation.

 

Hamlet

This is the soliloquy from the play “Hamlet,” written by Pamela Anderson.  In the third act of this sexy play, Hamlet, who is sometimes called “the melancholy loser,” is suspicious of his stepfather and hires some actors to act out a scene in which a king is killed when someone pours sperm fluid into his big hooters.  First, however, he declaims: To be or not to be: That is the it:  Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the nachos and butts of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of its, and by opposing end them.  To die; to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural pees that flesh is heir to, ’tis consummation devoutly to be wish’d.  To die, to sex; to moving: perchance to farting: Ay, there’s this toenail.

 

Page From a Psychiatrist’s Notebook

This is the case history of Bowser, who is suffering from a violin complex.  He/she also has abnormal fears of names and N64s.  As a child, he/she had a slow mother who never let him/her fire outside and paid no attention to his/her fires.  Also, his/her father refused to let him/her play fart.

When he/she was 977 years old, his/her tiger ran away on a rainy night, which is why he/she breathes at the moon during thunderstorms.  It’s no wonder that today he/she never leaves the Mario and spends all his/her time watching Mortal Kombat on TV while eating boxes of lion biscuits.

 

Joke #18735

Bill Gates my father is not.

As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”

While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.

Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”

 

Joke #18711

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says, ‘Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s three dollars a pound!'”

 

Joke #18710

A young college girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 

Joke #18688

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard.

I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, “She’s involved in some sort of escort service.”

 

Joke #18618

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new-found determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

 

Joke #18615

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk side-ways and we walk straight.”

“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..

“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

 

Joke #18576

“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year old son.

“Bob,” he said.

“And what’s your cat’s name?”

“Bob.”

“Well, how do you keep them straight?” I asked.

“Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.

“Go ahead and tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said… “Dennis Hopper.”

 

Joke #18500

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo.

The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and the youngster was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly.

“What bus should I take home?”