Mr. Burnfur’s Grading Scale

Mr. Burnfur’s Grading scale is really the worst you could see, he makes it so that people that aren’t in shape have to work harder but still get less points than people that are in shape that do the same work and the same effort, but get more points, in P.E.

At one time in the year when our grades were posted up, half the class had over 100%, one even had 150%, while one person had a negative 3%. Who knows how the hell you’d get negative 3%? It didn’t even exist until Mr. BurnFur posted those grades up.

 

Major To Major

I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:

“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”

Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”

Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”

Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”

Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”

Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”

Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”

Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”

Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”

Undecided: “Uh…..”

History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”

Computer Science:

try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}

catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}

 

Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”

Liberal Studies: “Same here.”

Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”

Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”

French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”

“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”

Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”

Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”

Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”

Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”

Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”

Computer Science:

Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”

Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”

French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”

Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”

Music:

“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”

– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”

“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”

Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”

Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”

Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.

Undecided: “Uhh…”

Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”

Computer Science:

DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();

Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”

Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”

Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”

 

Am I an Introvert or an Extrovert?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Answer the next 10 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.

I would find it more fun to:

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The sports I like best are (mark the answer that includes the most sports you like):

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If I knew the answer to a question my teacher asked and no one else seemed to, I would:

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In the last year I have made:

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The people I admire most are:

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I would rather:

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I would dislike most:

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When I am asked questions that I know the answers to, I:

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In group activities I am:

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If my class were divided into two groups, with half the class the most outgoing kids and the other half the least outgoing, which would I be in?

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Total up how many of each Introvert and Extrovert answers you’ve selected.

If you’ve chosen more answers that are marked as Introvert, then you’re a loner.  Get some friends.  Or play volleyball.

If you selected more answers that are marked as Extrovert, then you’re an asshole.  You might want to keep yourself a little contained, you try-hard.

If you chose more of the third answer in this quiz, then you are either extremely lame or really really crazy.

 

Joke #18744

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”

 

Joke #18704

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent.

A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

“Tell me,” the professor began, “exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?”

“Well,” mused the unperturbed young man… “first they saluted, then they asked, ‘How are you this morning, sir?'”

 

Joke #18654

An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to show a class at the local community college. A young brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten by a poisonous snake.

He said “Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me right here”, and he showed the scar on his arm where the snake had sunk it’s fangs.

She looked at the man in awe and asked, “And you lived!?”

He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said “You’re really a blonde, aren’t you?”

 

Joke #18551

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”

“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling relieved.

“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class.”

 

Joke #18542

One day a child at my four-year-old’s preschool class told her classmates that she needed a ‘damp towel.’

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, “If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?”

A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”