Q: What kind of cat likes water?
A: An octopuss!
Tag Archives: water
Joke #7822
Q: What is the best way to keep water from running?
A: Don’t pay the water bill.
Spring Water
Goopy Blip
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
–
It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
…………..
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
The Reason Pigs Fly: A Manifesto
There once was a town in east Oregon named baloopateeassssiville. Believe it or not it was a clown nudist colony. Now you may ask yourself. WHAT THE HELL ARE CLOWNS NAKED FOR! I am here to tell you. My name is Horatio the weasel clown and this is my manifesto.
It was a hot afternoon in mid September. The bees were out, the bees are always out. There are so many god damn bees. Back to the story. Well I was out walking my french poodle name Jose, when you know who I ran into? It was my ex-wife btichass the clown.. This was about 6 years before we became a nudist colony. That happened after the war. Well as I was saying I was walking when my little doggy took a little poopoo. Well you would not believe this but my ex wife comes and picks it up, puts it into a paper cup, adds water and PRESTO you have poop water. I was in the middle of throwing up when she asked what the matter was. I can’t believe you did that you swappy* bitch, that was dog shit yo (I was in the middle of the phase where I was talking in strange tongues). She said yes but it’s good for my asthma. I said yeah right skank, I challenge you to a duel. She said in a very feminine voice “Oh, is that like a party”. I said smirking “yeah kinda”. She said “Great, I’ll bring crumpets”. Her ignorance brought me to the point where I wanted to cut her and eat her heart. I settled for a piece of broccoli and corned beef.
Well it was the day of the duel and as was expected, she brought the damn crumpets. We sat down for a few minutes. We talked of the current japanese invasion of Virginia and caught up on the local news, movies, and books. I was almost beginning to revoke the proposal of a duel, when she brings out the biggest fish I Have ever seen. Even more amazingly, she had two. She said, I figured instead of a duel we could throw these fish. I said “I suppose so” with a sigh of relief. We mutually decided she should go first as she brought the fish. She threw it, and man the bitch could throw. Paranoia began to leap over me. What if I could not beat her throw I would be the laughing stock of the town. I began to sweat intensely and began drooping. She handed me my fish and said “Beat that if you can” she said. I said “I think I will if you don’t mind”. Well the winds had been kind that day and my throw was possibly a world record, I kid you not. That’s when the attack kicked in. I became dizzy and I was shaking like you would not believe. I collapsed in a sudden big heap. You would not believe the intensity I felt. It was like being reborn. They say I’ve lost it. But I’ve stopped listening to them. They can never take me again.
Billy Bob
Moo, Pennsylvania, probably the smallest town in America should go down in history. It has a population of twelve people, 436 chickens, 115 pigs, and an old dog that ironically has the name Puppy. The town consists of four houses, a one room school house that has four students, a gas station, and of course a KFC. Now in this town people have the choice of three careers–a gas station attendant, a teacher who teaches every grade, or a farmer.
Now in this town lives a man named Billy Bob. Fat, ugly and stupid, nobody likes Billy Bob. Due to his lack of social skills, Billy Bob has worn the same shirt and jeans for two years. For some odd reason, he smells like shoe polish. He’s very clumsy and almost always doing something wrong. In a town with a population of twelve people it’s easy for people to get on each other’s nerves. People were considering throwing him out of town.
One day while Billy Bob was working in the cornfields, he tripped over a bag and fell in some cow poop. He began to swear and punch at nothing, when he decided to take a look in the bag. In it was one million dollars in hundred dollar bills. Billy Bob immediately decided what he wanted to do with it. First, he wanted to buy a bunch of chicken wings, second, he wanted to buy a boat (this should show you what kind of an idiot he was, seeing as there was no water within 150 miles, and he had no car), and, third, he wanted to buy some gum.
He immediately went to the KFC and ordered 200 buckets of chicken wings. The waitress asked if he could pay for it and he showed her the bag. He began to eat his chicken wings. After he was pleasantly full, he walked outside and tripped over a pig. He hit his head on a nearby truck and broke his neck and died.
The waitress, noticing he had left his bag in the KFC, walked outside after him with the bag of money. The Mafia all of a sudden gunned her down, and they took the money. The Mafia then shot at the gas station to blow the town up. Their plan, however, backfired. Not only did they blow up the town, but themselves as well. The money hasn’t been seen since.
The moral of the story is don’t fire a gun when your right next to a gas station after killing a waitress who has a million dollars in her hand because a man named Billy Bob had stupidly forgotten it in a KFC. If you do this, you will die.
Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin
Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun
The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,
the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…
“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.
“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.
“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.
“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose
Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.
“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.
“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.
“Knockity knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.
“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.
By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.
“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”
” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”
“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.
“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.
Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia
Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…
There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.
“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”
“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin
All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.
Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.
Chapter 3 Why?
You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!
Chapter 4 Moose says Moo
“Moo,” says Moose.
Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo
Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.
“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.
Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:
“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo
“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.
“Chatter- squeak!!”
“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”
Chapter 6 Evil People
Back to the warehouse…
“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”
“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.
“Well you see-”
“See what, I don’t see anything.”
“Well I have these-”
“These what? Speak up!”
” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”
“With the what?”
“Sir would you please let me finish!!”
“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”
“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”
“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”
“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”
“Gasp!”
“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“………………Yep.”
“Alright, shut-up.”
Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars
We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.
Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.
“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”
The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.
“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.
He is using the leg as a kind of bat.
Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.
“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.
“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”
“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”
Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down
down
down.
“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.
Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.
“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.
“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.
Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)
We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets
looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:
“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”
He walks in front of a weird shop called:
THE I.T.C.H.
Hippie Heaven
-It’s Quacktastic!-
A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:
“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”
“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.
“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”
“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“Don’t do drugs.”
“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”
“Duh, okay.”
“Quack!”
“Where’d that come from?!”
“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”
“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”
“Corn- ear?”
“That way.”
Chapter 9 Payphone Rage
Moose walks up to the payphone.
“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”
“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.
A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”
“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”
“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.
“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”
“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”
Moose is angry. (You would be too!)
“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.
Moose dials a number.
Chapter 10 Squack Returns
“Um, hello?” says Moose.
“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”
“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.
“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”
“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.
After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.
“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.
“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.
“Well take it.”
“Um… okay…”
Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.
“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.
“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.
“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”
“Uh, thank you…”
“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”
“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”
“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”
“Okay, bye.”
Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.
A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.
“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”
Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!
Chapter 11 I am The Rock
We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”
“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.
“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”
The Rock’s cell phone rings.
“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”
“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.
“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.
The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.
“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.
Chapter 12 New Allies
We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe
A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.
“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”
“Okay, bye,” says Moose.
“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.
The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.
“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.
They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.
Chapter 13 Hideout
Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front
of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.
The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.
“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”
“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”
The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.
“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”
“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”
“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”
The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***
” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.
“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.
The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.
“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.
“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.
“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”
“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”
“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”
“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.
Chapter 14 Ponder
Ponder…
Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha
“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.
Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.
Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.
The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.
“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”
The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.
THE WORLD IS SAVED!
Yay!
Chapter 16 Stuff
The Rock-
“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”
The Writer-
Hello! Nya, nya, nya!
19 Things To Do In The Bathroom
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,”May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh**!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “D***, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,”Whoa Easy boy !!”
11. Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “D***, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
Interesting Facts
1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.
2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
4. American car horns beep in the tone of F.
5. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
6. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
7. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
8. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
9. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
10. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
11. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
12. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
13. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
14. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”
15. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
16. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of Varieties of pickles the company once had.
17. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
18. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
19. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
20. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
21. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
22. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
23. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
25. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
26. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
27. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly
28. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
29. Pearls melt in vinegar.
30. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
31. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
32. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
33. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
34. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
35. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
36. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
37. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
38. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
39. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
40. There are more chickens than people in the world.
41. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
42. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
43. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
44. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
45. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
46. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”
47. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial, on the back of the $5 bill.
48. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
49. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
50. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
51. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
52. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
53. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
54. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
55. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
56. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
57. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
58. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street, were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,”
59. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
60. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
61. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
62. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
63. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
64. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
65. The microwave was invented, after a researcher walked by a radar tube, and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
66. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
67. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
68. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
69. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
70. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?
71. Sometimes…when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes…when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time….
72. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!
73. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
74. David Duchovny was in a porno series called the Red Shoe Diaries where he read letters from people telling him a story, reading it aloud for his dog. He never got any, actually, in the show.
75. The main character from Pay It Forward died from a stomach wound
76. Dacky was made in paint by Fajita Bum
77. You CAN get into trouble for calling a white guy Aunt Jemima and calling him that name 10 times a day for a year
78. The AAA DOES NOT care about right triangles
79. Tiger’s Hit Clips don’t play the whole song. You buy less than a song
80. The cards in Guess Who? don’t actually talk
81. All the pets in really old movies over 10 years, are all (most likely) dead
82. Tagalong Girl Scout cookies cost 20 cents a cookie, at $3.00 a box of 15
Things to Ponder
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?
33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
40. Why are SOFTballs hard?
41. Do vampires get AIDS?
42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
48. Can people without hands get a grip?
49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
53. What do people in China call their good plates?
54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?
57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
62. Do mimes watch silent movies?
63. Is the fear of flying groundless?
64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
68. Why are boxing rings square?
69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
73. Why do birds have white poop?
74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.
77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?
80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
82. What’s the opposite of opposite?
83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
88. Why is the blackboard green?
89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
91. What do you call male ballerinas?
92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?
96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?
101. Can blind people see their dreams?
102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?
107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?
121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
130. How can you hear yourself think?
131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?
142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
155. why are turds pinched off at the end?
156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
161. What would you use to dilute water?
162. What should one call a male ladybird?
163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
168. Aren’t all generalizations false?
169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
174. If so, how could you treat them?
175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
179. Do fish get cramps after eating?
180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
188. How can someone “draw a blank”?
189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?
191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
198. How is it possible to have a civil war?
199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
225. If God sneezes…what should you say?
226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?
260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
272. Is it possible to be totally partial?
273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
275. Is there a Dr. Salt?
276. Isn’t hot water already hot?
277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
285. What came first the chicken or the egg?
286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
294. What happened to the first 6 ups?
295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
297. What is a free gift?
298. Aren’t all gifts free?
299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
300. What is the speed of dark?
301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
303. What’s another word for synonym?
304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
305. When people lose weight, where does it go?
306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
312. Where are Preparations A through G?
313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
314. Who invented accents?
315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
324. Why are we afraid of falling?
325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
330. Won’t they all stop eventually?
331. Why do bars advertise live bands?
332. What does a dead band sound like?
333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
335. Why do guys wear underpants?
336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
337. Why do they call it disposable douche?
338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
341. Why do they report power outages on TV?
342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
345. Why do we have hot water heaters?
346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?
358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
371. Why is the alphabet in that order?
372. Is it because of that song?
373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?
391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”
398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet? Tofu?
Dr. Squackle
Medical advice from your favorite pals at Squackle.com!
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How do you cure Amnesia?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: say they are a clown and they work with a trapeze man that snuffs chalk dust. Then dress them up with purple clothes and send them on tour
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How do you cure the antisocial personality disorder?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: bust a cap in their ass
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Leroy was hit in the head by a moving swing and was knocked unconscious. Since it was a very hot day, his friend Eddie moved him into the shade before going for help. What do you do?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: dump cold water on him and see if he wakes up. if not, bury him cuz he’s dead
elmoisfurry, M.D.: chop off his legs, give him apple juice
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When Liz was babysitting for the Jacksons, two-year-old Timmy drank some liquid from an unlabled bottle. When Liz found him, Timmy was pale and sweaty, with stains from whatever he drank around his mouth. Liz immediately gave him some syrup of ipecac to make him vomit. Then she called the poison control center. What do you do?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: slap Timmy around and tell him he’s a bad boy
elmoisfurry, M.D.: give him some LSD and have him think he’s on a pony ride
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While Jose and Ben were sledding, Jose was thrown from his sled, hitting his head on a rock. Although conscious, he felt nauseated and too dizzy to walk. Before going for help, Ben covered Jose with his coat and gave him some hot chocolate from their thermos to keep him warm. What do you do?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: kick him once for good luck
elmoisfurry, M.D.: tie his legs and beat his stomach!
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Nancy and Kyla were in the park, eating hamburgers and talking. Kyla who had been lying on her back while she ate, suddenly jumped up and made strange wheezing sounds as if she couldn’t breathe or speak. Nancy saw that Kyla was probably choking and ran to get some water for her.
davepoobond, Ph.D.: throw the water at her shoes, then give her the Heimlech Manuever. Now for home base…
elmoisfurry, M.D.: do the Hokey pokey and turn yourself around that’s what choking is all about
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Jane is a 25-year-old black woman who is pregnant for the first time. Her husband’s uncle has sickle-cell disease. Should Jane and her husband consider genetic counseling?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: no, Jane needs a psychologist, because she don’t know how to pick the right fucked up men.
elmoisfurry, M.D.: who cares about the husband’s uncle. Smack the baby around and call him Nancy for all I care
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Lisa is 42 years old and wants to have a second child. Lisa’s husband is 39 years old. Should Lisa and her husband consider genetic counseling?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: what a dumb bastard for marrying someone 3 years older
elmoisfurry, M.D.: god damn old people shouldn’t have sex. They’re old and wrinkled
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Maria is 30 years old and pregnant for the fourth time. She and her husband already have three healthy daughters. They want to know if this baby is a boy, should Maria and her husband consider genetic counseling?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: GOD DAMN! Four fuckin’ times? Close your legs, whore!
elmoisfurry, M.D.: ::stab stab stab::
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Stacy is 23 years old and married. She is pregnant for the second time. Her first baby was healthy and normal. Stacy’s sister just gave birth to a baby with cystic fibrosis. Should Stacy consider counseling?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: hahahahahaha….aha hahahahahahahaha
elmoisfurry, M.D.: cystic fibrosis? Cystic fibrosis? Don’t gimme no cystic fibrosis. You should be more worried about her baby’s daddy sneaking around with Billy Ray the transvestite gardener from Hungary
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Angela is anxious to have a child. Her last two pregnancies ended in miscarriages. Angela is 28 years old and her husband is 30 years old. Should Angela and her husband consider counseling?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: dumb bitch!! Adopt!!
elmoisfurry, M.D.: why do you people always ask US. Its not like we’re doctors…oh wait…we are…bye
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You are babysitting for the Johnson twins. Jimmy Johnson comes up to you crying. He has punctured the skin on his hand on a rusty nail. The wound is bleeding badly. What do you do?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: hang the kid for being a dumbass, or leave him be…either way, same result
elmoisfurry, M.D.: um…spank his ass and call him Sally
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You are camping with your best friend Sharon. She decides to feed a raccoon some bread crusts. The raccoon, frothing at the mouth, bites Sharon’s finger. The cut is not to deep, but something about the appearance and behavior of the raccoon bothers you.
davepoobond, Ph.D.: shoot the raccoon and eat it for dinner
elmoisfurry, M.D.: if Sharon has rabies, shoot her and eat her at breakfast
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Your next door neighbor is a chef at one of the restaurants in town. Four weeks ago, he returned from a seven-day vacation, during which he enjoyed plenty of seafood. For the past few days, your neighbor has stayed home from work. He has a fever, and complains of a pain in the abdomen. When he returned from his vacation, you noticed a yellowish tinge to his skin; at the time you assumed he was merely tanned. The “tan” hasn’t disappeared. What do you do?
davepoobond, Ph.D.: poop on his face. Give him a REAL tan.
elmoisfurry, M.D.: uhhhhhh….what?
Dr. stimpyismyname: stick him in a dark room and smack him with an ugly stick
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These are other health related funny things, not directly related to “Dr. Squackle.”:
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I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
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Is beer or wine bad for me?
Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
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How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain – Good.
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If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
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Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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What’s the secret to healthy eating?
Thicker gravy.
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Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? Cocoa beans… Another vegetable. It’s the best feel good food around!
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The following is by malaky:
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I drink Coke or Pepsi?
Dear Sir or Madam, You will drink from the blood of an old donkey at the next full moon because I tell you to do so. I will sacrifice your mother so that the pigeons will live on. At the sacred alter, Taewon, the ice demon, will be summoned to sacrifice you and all of your pagan fertility gods. Milk will rain from the sky, but the land of chocolate will be moved to the magical valley east of Chicago. The answer to your question lies not only in the defeat of the brave, but also in the land of the innocent that will fall. On the other hand, you could try Dr. Pepper.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My girlfriend is pregnant. If I open up her belly, will I find the magic caramel inside?
Dear Sir or Madam, Not only will you find the magic caramel, you may even open another dimension. Though you may see blood, guts, and an unborn fetus, I assure you that if you dig long enough, you will go through a tunnel and find a completely different universe. You may also find the strength that was in you all along.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, On your third album, “Stronger Than Gandhi,” there are some lyrics that confuse me in your song, “I Lick Tricycle Oil.” What do you mean by, “The time is coming when mankind will see the mistake of the Master Creator?”
Dear Sir or Madam, In that particular song, I’m writing about my inability to find the right doughnut, and the mental anguish that goes along with it. Are there too many sprinkles? I don’t know. Is there too much jelly in the middle? Only a pervert could tell. As my thoughts on this continued, I began to wonder why society holds farmers to certain standards while John Stamos runs free in the streets. The Canadian Government is involved in a massive conspiracy, you know this. What you don’t know is how many doughnuts they withhold from you per year at the expense of the farmers. If you don’t know that John Stamos is the Prime Minister of Canada by now, open up your eyes and grab your guns. I also have a raging fear of Automatic Teller Machines.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is Rhode Island a figment of my imagination?
Dear Sir or Madam, There are many schools of thought on this subject, but unfortunately, I am not a school of thought. Instead, I am a free fish that likes to visit my friends at the aquarium. People try to tell me that I am actually a wolf and that I must wear clothing and that I must not “stick that there,” but the sooner you realize that I am a fish seeking drugs, and possibly happiness, the sooner you will know the pain I feel every day from carrying your children.
(Dr. Stinky does not have the Ebola virus, but he knows where you can get some.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Am I a bean sprout?
Dear Sir or Madam, Just because you ski down the sides of wild elephants, you are not a bean sprout. If you were oxygen-based and soy-related, I would give you some drugs and beat you like an oriental car waxer. Long live King Boston Stalin and the rest of the Stalinists!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is there any truth to the rumor that you will be on the new Survivor?
Dear Sir or Madam, If you were Jewish, I would be on the new Survivor. Unfortunately, you are not Jewish, and for this reason, I will grind you up in my giant blender, which happens to have 12 recipes for Pina Coladas, and I will serve your precious juices to the Bushmen of Indonesia, or failing that, President George W. Bush. Later, I will be the weatherman for KWAK in Boise, Idaho in order to fulfill the 12th prophecy of Nostradamus. Failure in this matter will lead to the execution of a Haitian midget.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you having sex with my 15-year-old sister?
Dear Sir or Madam,
We could sit here and talk about legality all day long, and the only thing we would get is a giant wedgie. The age of consent in 60 of our 359 states is 12, which to me is like 5 minutes out of the womb. The fact is, I am having sex with your sister, your mother, her three other sisters, your father’s stepmother, and your dog Sophie. In spite of this, I consider the nuclear warheads that Santa Claus is building in the North Pole to be a far more important issue. If we are to stop the “Big Brother”-like reign of terror under which Santa Claus keeps us, we must burn down the North Pole and steal a few penguins from the South Pole in order to keep heating costs down. In conclusion, I recommend the mass murder of several thousand elves in order to strike back at capitalism. The future is now, and the underground must remain strong.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you inhaling Styrofoam again?
Dear Sir or Madam, I have inhaled many things in my lifetime.glue, paint, oil, George Washington.but I deny now, and I will continue to deny the fact that I have ever inhaled Styrofoam. And it’s not like you should judge me for inhaling Styrofoam either! Would you be able to resist its allure? It sits there in the corner, all alone, just like some seductive Nigerian woman. It calls to you, saying, “Sniff me, feel me, enlighten yourself in my angry bladder oil, which is a result of my silken femininity!” Are you so strong ? Could you honestly stand before me and say that you’ve never been to the edge of your own sanity while fantasizing about Barbra Streisand? I know that I snore, and it is for that reason that I find the love inside me to bake cookies at 8 in the morning.
(Dr. Stinky is not arranging the mass execution of several million ducks. Stop being so nosy.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, They stopped selling my favorite beer. This has left me feeling very self-conscious and alone. What can I do to eliminate these feelings?
Dear Sir or Madam, Normally, I would suggest that you freely indulge in sadomasochism, which is a fine substitute and result of beer, but I’m feeling saucy today. Instead, I encourage you to walk across hot coals, smack yourself on the buttocks, and then cover yourself in motor oil while singing the Carpenters’ “Close to You.” If nothing else, this should make you feel like a zebra, and they’re pretty happy creatures, right?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I do not believe that we should go to war, but President Bush keeps pushing that on his agenda. What can I do to make my opinion heard?
Dear Sir or Madam, Let’s get down to the real problem here. You’re upset because George keeps hogging all the covers at night. Perhaps, the gun he sleeps with keeps going off as well. I should know, as I’ve been shot a couple times myself, and I lost three gerbils last year alone because of this. If I were in your place, I would freeze my body after I die so that I could re-emerge in the year 3020 to take over the powerful machines that already have enslaved us. Embrace your captors or more blood will be shed.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I married “Harold” a month ago. We are quite happy, but lately he keeps saying things like, “Damn, your sister is hot,” and, “What do you think about politics?” Should I be concerned about this behavior?
Dear Sir or Madam, Harold is trying to express his deepest inner feelings to you, and he expects you to cook him a hamburger while you listen. When he says that your sister is hot, it means he wants to sleep with your mother, but that he’s already slept with your father. When he asks your opinion about politics, it means that a powerful kangaroo has just kicked him in the balls, and a pastrami sandwich would make him feel better. You need to look beyond the surface to see what Harold is really saying, but I suggest that you become Jewish so that I can legally harass you.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I take daddy’s gun and play with it in the street?
Dear Sir or Madam,
You may think you are playing, but this is no time to be playing games. Each car that passes you in the street is actually an alien bent on eating the world’s supply of ice cream. You must shoot at every passerby! The world’s fate depends on it! Afterwards, if mommy wants to touch you in all the wrong places while daddy gets the videocamera, smile! This means you succeeded. Godspeed young one!
(Dr. Stinky is a certified license-plate maker from the Ohio State University)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My husband left me and took my kids. He also cleaned out my bank account and de-virginized my cat. Is there any legal recourse I can take against him?
Dear Sir or Madam, Your husband is in violation of the Jack-in-the-box Laws of Central Prussia, which state that any caterpillar that steals the belongings or children of a lemur is to face penalty of death upon return to the dark fortress at Newburg. If, however, you are not a lemur and your husband is not a caterpillar, then I shall dance in the wicked waters of Lake Erie to celebrate the de-virginization of your cat, and I shall barbecue you a pig for compensation. As for your children, I shall make them one with the Nazi Party, and your husband shall bark like a dog at the command of the head of Adolf Hitler. In the meantime, the rhinoceros will seize power, and he will subject the population to constant reruns of the Molly Ringwald movie, “Pretty in Pink.”
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Let me be the first to call for the destruction of the Christian Science religion. Can I count on your support in my most current endeavor?
Dear Sir or Madam, While I fully support the destruction of the Christian Science religion, I am enraged by your failure to do anything about the Mennonites, the Lennonites, the Leninites, the Stalinites, and the dog that barks outside my window at night. If you are to achieve your goal of world domination, the road runs through Yankee Stadium, as well as the urine on the streets of New York. I will not support you in your endeavor, but I will make you a very nice hot dog because that’s what Babe Ruth would’ve wanted. Your batting average needs to pick up though, if you are to defeat the Yankees of today. You want a playoff spot? Slugger, you better start looking in the minors for talent, because your team is short on it. Speaking of short, I screwed your girlfriend the other night. AND THERE WILL BE NO MUSTARD ON THAT HOT DOG!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Ever since my stepmom died, I’ve had the urge to break things against my wall. I feel like I’m losing control. Can you help me?
Dear Sir or Madam, I need a friend to help me renovate my house, and I think I will choose Minnie Mouse. I like her sundress and how it flaps wildly in the breeze. I like the thongs she wears for me. If you ever felt that thing, you’d know that Minnie has a really nice ass. Sometimes, when the lights go down at night, we like to spoon in each others arms, conscious of the fact that we love each other so much, and that Mickey won’t be home for another 3 hours. When she divorces Mickey, I’ll certainly own the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, and I think I’ll chop up Goofy and sell him to the Chinese. He shouldn’t have been walking on two feet anyways, if he’s a dog. So, to answer your question, yes I use deodorant, but I don’t use condoms to shave my skin bare at night. That is a task I leave to my followers. Embrace your freedom!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is there a labor crisis in America today?
Dear Sir or Madam, If, by crisis, you mean a string of dynamite-related arsons in my neighborhood, then yes, I am a Communist. Am I responsible for the explosions? That is for a vengeful Buddha to decide. Pray for peace between the ducks and the snakes though. Their conflict has had many bitter casualties, but the violence will not end until Rush Limbaugh is dead. I will now smoke my waterbed and sacrifice another machine to Groucho Marx to prove to you that my intentions are banal, if not capricious.
(Dr. Stinky is planning to tie you up and blindfold you, but you won’t know when until it’s too late.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My girlfriend tied me to a chair, shaved my head, and has persistently beaten me for 5 weeks straight. Is she in love with me?
Dear Sir or Madam, Your girlfriend is merely testing the waters of your relationship. She wants to know important questions about you, including where you came from, what you do in mosh pits, and who your favorite talk-show host is. By regularly beating you, she is trying to find the real love that she knows exists between you, her, and several HIV-infected camels. Continue to allow the beatings, and don’t retaliate when she sticks a piece of spam into your neck.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I be concerned about global warming?
Dear Sir or Madam, I am currently drilling a giant hole to let all of the delicious caramel and milk chocolate out of the Earth. As a result, the Earth will collapse onto itself and float gently into the giant furnace that we call the sun. So if I were you, I’d kill a bunny while you have time.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My mom says that if I pick at my eyeball enough, it’ll fall out. Is this true?
Dear Sir or Madam, Of course not. You see, the human body is made up of silly putty. When you pick at a piece of flesh, or a specific body organ, it will only stretch and contort into weird shapes and sizes! Your eyeball actually can be plucked out in case of a lost golf ball. You can also cook your eye in stew, eat it for dinner, and it’ll return to the exact same spot by evening! I happen to be an expert on the subject, and I can tell you that I had hours of fun not only creating Japanese people, but also putting them back together after I dropped the atomic bombs on them!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Can you hear me now?
Dear Sir or Madam, Unfortunately, I cannot hear you because I lost my ears in a tragic farm tractor accident back in 1976, the year I also won the International Disco Championships. However, recently I have noticed that my ears seem to be regenerating just outside of my sexual organs. I think that’s what I get for living inside of a nuclear cooling tower for 11 years. In any case, I am grateful for any regeneration, although during sex, I now inexplicably make airplane noises.
(Dr. Stinky is a distinguished professor in the field of Sloppy Joe Making at Northern Illinois University.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I’m in Australia and it’s February, but it’s not cold, it’s hot! What’s going on?
Dear Sir or Madam, The problem is easily identifiable. Oprah Winfrey has attempted to light one of her farts again, and the resulting conflagration of Methane Gas has settled over the skies of Australia. In the meantime, I suggest you sacrifice your child for the good of the dingoes, swim amongst the Tiger Sharks near Sydney, and plan to be on Oprah’s next show, entitled “Dr. Phil is actually a lesbian porn star!”
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you training a giant army of sloths to take over the world?
Dear Sir or Madam, I’ve received a lot of letters about this, so I think it’s about time I address this issue. First of all, they are lemurs, not sloths. Second of all, just because I tie rocket packs to their backs, and just because they “happened” to run into a few skyscrapers while COINCIDENTALLY carrying bombs, it doesn’t mean that I’m planning to take over the world. I only want a couple cities, and trust me, Philadelphia is due to surrender within the next 5 months. I am sorry about how the one took a crap on your lawn though. I thought he went before takeoff.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you a licensed veterinarian?
Dear Sir or Madam, Yes, I am a licensed veterinarian. And for the last time, your dog WAS a hermaphrodite to begin with, and his eyes ARE supposed to be on his feet.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What is your favorite sexual position?
Dear Sir or Madam, I’d have to say that my favorite position is watching behind a closet door while the disembodied head of former president William Howard Taft gives cunnilingus to my several concubines.or you. It depends on what kind of mood I’m in.
(Dr. Stinky is not hiding Iraqi biological weapons. He would never hide weapons for infidels.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, In your opinion, who is the greatest athlete in the world?
Dear Sir or Madam, After deep consultation with Emmitt Smith, Yanni, and a very dark Kodiak Bear, I have decided that I am a leopard who is allowed to run wild and free in a meadow of African-American strawberries. Then I decided that it’s Wayne Gretzky. Let the debating begin!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Wanna go to Vegas with me tomorrow?
Dear Sir or Madam, I would gladly go to Vegas with you, if I hadn’t been banned from the city for 10 years. It all started with a slight misunderstanding between me, a seeing-eye dog, and the disembodied head of Princess Diana, and it somehow ended with the death of an Elvis impersonator. You are more than welcome to go to Vegas by yourself though, and just remember that everything you hear will be unadulterated lies. Except for the story involving the drowned hooker filled with mustard. I CAN EXPLAIN THAT!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My puppy’s ugly. What should I do?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, you could bathe it in lemon juice, spin around 3 times while holding it in your arms, and feed it a diet of horse meat and baseballs for five days, and that might make it a little less ugly. Or you could also become an alcoholic and your puppy would look a little less ugly to you. But it doesn’t really matter because I am kidnapping your puppy in four days and will use it to make a new VCR for my den.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My belly button is turning colors!
Dear Sir or Madam, So? My feet are in a conspiracy to have me shot in a Home Depot, but you don’t see me bragging about it.
(Dr. Stinky is a lost little boy in a big scary world. Never fear though, Mr. Rogers will save him. What? Mr. Rogers is dead? How the hell did that happen? Cancer? Who gave him cancer? How do you know that’s not how it’s spread?! Aw shit. Dr. Stinky is ALONE! DESPERATELY ALONE! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Did Thomas Jefferson have sexual relations with his slaves?
Dear Sir or Madam, To answer this question, I came to Thomas Jefferson’s house, Monticello, to ask him myself. Imagine my shock finding out that he was dead. I quickly regrouped and burned down the University of Virginia in my anger. I hear they still have a good basketball team though. In any case, yes, Thomas Jefferson had sex with his slaves, his dog, George Washington, Martha Washington, and several Federalist midgets, but more importantly, I had sex with your mom last night, and she enjoyed sucking all of the man juices out of me.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Why is the planet Jupiter so big?
Dear Sir or Madam, Jupiter is on its period for the next 54 million years, and it would appreciate you not pointing out how bloated it is, since it already feels that way YOU INSENSITIVE PIG!!!!!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I buy a new hat?
Dear Sir or Madam, After consultation with my beloved duck, we made passionate love for 3 hours, then we watched porn for 5 more hours. After this, we argued over how many children we wanted, how I always leave the cap off the toothpaste, and how I’ve got to stop my habit of chewing tobacco. Then, our hearts broken, we went our separate ways, even though I shall never forget her. Oh yeah, and we decided that if you buy a new hat, you’ve already let the terrorists win.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is my email trying to eat me?
Dear Sir or Madam, I understand your worry. Yesterday, your email tried to bite your arm off. Two days ago, it was smearing ketchup on your face. Three days ago, it was talking about how delicious you would go with a side of mashed potatoes and a nice glass of champagne. Four days ago, your family disappeared and a strange mystery meat was served for dinner. I assure you that this is quite normal though, or at least that’s what my hard drive says. In the end, even though I’ll probably miss my feet, and though I would’ve liked to have tasted them myself, I think it’s best to let the machines do what they want. Perhaps if we do this, there will be a special place for us in the “new regime.”
(Dr. Stinky fiercely loyal super worker from lands of wind and dark water! Katsui!!!!!)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Jigga What?
Dear Sir or Madam, Jigga in da hizzouse nephew, yeah, all up in the sack ‘cuz I’m smokin’ the crack, get along wit da hos ’cause they lickin’ my toes nephew. Jigga is a playa foo!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I have a little brother who has been having nightmares every night for a week now. Last night he screamed out your name. What is with that?
Dear Sir or Madam, If you’re asking me this, it’s because your mother hasn’t told you. She sold your brother to me when he was a baby, and I raised the infant as if he were my own. By this, I mean that I put him through horrifying experiments involving scorpions, rats, hydrochloric acid, and tarantulas. Yes, I suppose he was “tortured” for the last 6 years, but thanks to his endurance, cubicle-bound office workers will, on average, live 3 years longer than normal because of the endless entertainment they will receive from all of the video footage I recorded. I also rented them a stripper. In conclusion, your brother screamed out my name because he knows I am coming for him once more, and this time he may not live. But you hang in there!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, So…Who’s in my chair?
Dear Sir or Madam, The person in your chair is none other than Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone. I was intrigued as to what this world-renowned inventor was doing sitting in your chair, so I asked him. He replied, “I have just wet my pants and I am too embarrassed to get up.” Then I watched as Watson walked in with an ax and proceeded to chop off his head and make a mask out of the late Dr. Bell’s facial tissue. So to answer your question, the person in your chair is Watson, who now looks “pretty.” Or at least you had better tell him so.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I work at a Food Town that is closing at the end of the month. Where should I work after I lose my job?
Dear Sir or Madam, After consulting with a Canadian hockey player, a fierce-smelling moose, David Copperfield, Sigfried (but not Roy), and the voice in my head that tells me to sodomize small animals, I have decided that I am a tax form from the year 1975, filled out by one Daniel Smurniff of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, and I am also very stale, yet beautiful. Oh yeah, and we decided that you should give up work and become a nose hair in the nose of the President of the Independent Republic of Turkmenistan to achieve inner peace.
(Dr. Stinky is a sex detective from the University of the Reverse Cowboy in Wichita Falls, Texas.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Why is SpongeBob SquarePants funny?
Dear Sir or Madam, SpongeBob SquarePants is not funny. Your dog is simply licking your private parts again, which is causing you to giggle uncontrollably at the same time that SpongeBob happens to be on. You must be having fun though, if your dog licks you in the same way it licks me. For increased enjoyment, try spreading peanut butter down there.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a billion. What is it?
Dear Sir or Madam, For the 98th time, W is NOT A NUMBER!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What am I thinking right now?
Dear Sir or Madam, Although it would be imprudent to reveal precisely what you are thinking right now, I am obliged to tell you that my mother is NOT that flexible…but I am.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, How about now?
Dear Sir or Madam, Right now you are thinking about whether or not you should let the little girl go. You know, the one you have tied up in your closet. Her parents probably miss her, and sooner or later, the police will probably figure out that the babysitter isn’t responsible. But look at her there. She’s naked and she can’t do anything about it. It’d be a shame to send her back, all traumatized now. And now, you’re thinking of how deep of a hole you’ll have to dig, what method of execution you’ll have to use…oh wait, these are my thoughts. Did I just type that? Oh FUCK!
(Dr. Stinky is on the run from the law, but he’s not in Libya, so stop looking there.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Who invented duct tape and why isn’t his or her name a household name by now?
Dear Sir or Madam, The man who invented duct tape was soon bound by his own invention and later shot to death by a band of militant ducks who were claiming ‘jihad’ for the desecration of their holy name. All the ducks wanted was a ransom of two bags of Cheetos, but unfortunately, two bags of Cheetos are hard to put down. (Note: Editor’s FBI file has grown for mentioning the word ‘jihad’ in a public email.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Do these pants make me look fat?
Dear Sir or Madam, Yes, those pants do make you look fat. Perhaps you should stop carrying around your 20 kittens in your pants, and then you would look less fat. Also, people would stop thinking that YOU made that mess near your butt.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My girlfriend dumped me after four years. Do you think I should call her and beg her to take me back?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, if you had any pride you’d stay off the phone. Unfortunately, a clown just defecated on the hood of your car, ending what was left of your pride, so I’d say that you should slap a piece of meat on your naked body and jump into the cage of a starving tiger. Or you could try skeet-shooting. It’s making a comeback.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, How could Walter’s team win if the best player was not playing?
Dear Sir or Madam, After consulting with a Skee-Ball Machine, Super Mario, a pair of hedge trimmers, and a very drunk Don Knotts, I decided that I am a lovely St. John’s Wort floating on the River Styx while Guns ‘N’ Roses plays “Sweet Child of Mine” in the background, when all the while, Julia Child tries to drill all of the love napkins out of my delicious head. Oh, and Walter’s team won because Walter’s mommy was sleeping with your team’s coach and she gave good head for him to take a dive.
(Dr. Stinky urinates in dead pigs, I swear it.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I don’t find clouds funny anymore. Is something wrong with me?
Dear Sir or Madam, There is nothing mentally wrong with you, but I do suggest that you find some way to make the clouds funny sometime soon. That mean-looking cumulonimbus over your right shoulder is holding a gun to your bunny’s head and he looks like he means business. You don’t want him to be unhappy do you? Because if the cloud is not happy, your bunny, “Mr. Freckles,” will be very unhappy. And nobody wants that, except possibly the French.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I think my fingernails are trying to kill me. Any advice?
Dear Sir or Madam, I know that your fingernails are trying to kill you because I told them to do so. I realize that this is a harsh punishment, but you must understand that I nearly choked to death recently on a nugget of my own poop. This led me to realize how much I like girls in thongs, which led me to believe that you must be killed to fulfill the prophecy of the ancients. So in conclusion, shit tastes bad.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Where do you want to go today?
Dear Sir or Madam, I’d very much like to go to the store to hide from the Russians, but I believe that I will go to the synagogue to harass some Jews instead. Then, I’m going to overtake Germany by cutting off people’s heads with a giant, sharpened hockey stick. And then maybe I’ll have milkshake.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, It’s 11:31 P.M. Do you know where your children are?
Dear Sir or Madam, They’d better still be suffocating under the dead cows I threw on them. Speaking of time, I think I’d better flee in a large white Bronco much in the manner of my hero, Odysseus.
(Dr. Stinky is shamelessly flirting with your mother because she’s so much hotter than you.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My wife’s corpse was recently found floating in a river in which I have frequently been known to fish. Looks like the evidence points to me. Any advice?
Dear Sir or Madam, If I were you, and in my past life I was, I would build a snow fort and challenge all law enforcement and judiciary officials to a winner-takes-all snowball fight. If you win, you will not only win your freedom, but also, thanks to confusing international laws, the kingdom of Denmark. You might also win the corpse, which you should proceed to make sweet, sweet love to, so as to not upset the gods.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Did you steal my stereo?
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have stolen lots of things in my lifetime: The Empire State Building, candy from a baby, the head of John Malkovich, Prussia….but I insist that I did not steal your stereo, I just merely borrowed it to crush your precious little puppy’s skull. My reasoning? It told me I looked like a hippopotamus. Or maybe that was my Venus Flytrap. Nonetheless, I’ll have your
stereo back by November, when my violent streak ends.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, For some reason, my baseball team can’t win games. Is there something I’m doing wrong as manager?
Dear Sir or Madam, Besides the fact that you are coaching a bunch of Swedes who live in the arctic, and besides the fact that you don’t speak their language, and besides the fact that they have no respect from you because you refuse to join their circle of nudity, and besides the fact that you killed their beloved village chief and ate his heart BEFORE smashing his car windows, I can think of absolutely nothing you’re doing wrong. Except that you need a new hitting coach.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, The Easter Bunny is tearing down my house with a chainsaw. Anything I can do to stop him?
Dear Sir or Madam, After kicking back a six pack of Absolut Vodka, there isn’t much that can be done to stop the Easter Bunny. I know what you’re thinking…Absolut doesn’t come in six-packs…which is true. He just buys six bottles and downs them all within a 2 hour time period. Now you see what happened the day that little Timmy disappeared and was found three days later in the family water heater. Now you know why mommy was found lying naked, face-down on the kitchen table with “I’m the prettiest!” carved into her back. Now you know why Daddy shakes uncontrollably every time he sees carrots. Get your gun little one, it’s going to be a long holiday.
(Dr. Stinky is trying to saw his knee off again, so it’d be best if you don’t disturb him.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I’m a man and I think I’m growing breasts. What will stop these abnormal growths?
Dear Sir or Madam, I would like to take this time to remind you that your breasts are in your chest area, and that they are not the things you sit upon. Furthermore, your breasts, or ass, in your case, are not growing. You have merely sat upon your new baby brother and you have not only killed him, but due to his resulting vomit, he is now forever stuck to your ass. Your mother may or may not understand, but in either case, I say you should buy bigger pants.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My hamster keeps running in his creaky wheel at night and I can’t get any sleep! Is there anything I can do?
Dear Sir or Madam, Two words: Hamster pizza. Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could I suggest something so barbaric? Well, let me tell you that your question doesn’t matter, as I have already cooked your hamster, your cell phone, and all of your rolls of toilet paper into a pizza, and I thought it tasted very good. Except now every time I burp, my stomach plays “Onward Christian Soldiers.”
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Dear Dr. Stinky, At what age do you think that I should let my son start dating?
Dear Sir or Madam, This is an issue you shouldn’t have to deal with. Instead of letting your son start dating, throw him into a gigantic meat grinder and serve his remains to your several dogs. After all, who needs a son when you could have a malicious army of wild dogs who salivate over human flesh? Only you can make this choice for world domination.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Am I supposed to be this attracted to my sister?
Dear Sir or Madam, You really shouldn’t be that attracted to your sister, but since I bought you and your sister legitimately as slaves from Bangladesh, you will continue to do exactly as I say until you are dead. If an attraction develops, so be it, but it may result in your sister losing her food privileges for the week. In the meantime, think of your motivation for the next scene in which you shit upon her chest.
(Dr. Stinky is still rocking in the free world, despite what Gorbachev told him.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, How do clouds form?
Dear Sir or Madam, Every cloud that you see in the sky is formed by the giant, continuous fire that I have burning in my backyard, a fire in which roughly 10,000,000 baby chickens are killed each day because I need kindling. Ha ha! I’m just kidding. I actually use stray kittens.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My testicles have disappeared! Where did they go?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, let’s see here. If this is Frank in New Jersey, I told you that you should’ve paid off your gambling debts. If this is Tony in Boston, I told you that those chains wouldn’t hold your wife to the wall. If this is Danny in Detroit, I told you that you should’ve married my daughter. And if this is anyone else, that’s just funny.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What color should I paint my bedroom?
Dear Sir or Madam, You shall paint your room in the blood of a virgin at the next full moon. The unholy alter at which master Satan shall sit will be colored with the ashes of the remains of the unbelievers. The time for redemption is coming, and this time, we shall not lose the battle. Or you could paint it green.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Do you like pancakes?
Dear Sir or Madam, After considerable consultation with Don Knotts, a frying pan made without Teflon, the remains of Charlie Chaplin, and a Bengal Tiger that hadn’t eaten in five days, I have decided that I am a delightful marker floating in the south Pacific Ocean towards an island filled with inhabitants that will worship me as a god and feed me their blood as a frosted dairy dessert. Oh, and I’m more of a fan of waffles.
(Dr. Stinky hates you for your outlook on the war in Vietnam.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Ever since that “bad touch” you gave me, I’ve had these peculiar cold sores. How can I make them go away?
Dear Sir or Madam, Unfortunately, we had a little too much to drink that night, and I used you to indulge in my bizarre fire ant fetish. Those cold sores are actually fire ant bites, and if all is going as planned, they are starting a colony in your womb, which is just as good as a baby, if your mother asks. Unfortunately, like having a baby, the fire ants will eat your digestive system and leave you a paralyzed, bleeding mass on the floor, but sometimes love is difficult.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I tried the remedy you suggested a few months ago, but now I have a problem. The hamster’s up my ass, but now it randomly bites me! I’m jumping around in public! People are staring! What do I do?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, since snakes are natural predators of hamsters, I would advise you to stick a snake up your butt to eat the hamster. Of course, you’ll then have a snake up your butt, but that’s ok, as you can just stick a giant hawk up your butt, as giant hawks prey on snakes. Of course, your torso will explode soon after this, but in any case, I, along with several midgets, will be thoroughly entertained.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is it possible for our love to work, even if I’m a giraffe?
Dear Sir or Madam, The fact that you’re a giraffe has nothing to do with it. You two have nothing in common. You belong to the Moogu herd of South Africa, she belongs to the Igbo tribe. You like the ocean, she likes molesting virgins. You like flowers, she likes setting fire to village huts. Face it, your love wasn’t meant to be, and even if it was, it doesn’t matter because she’s being sacrificed to a very horny volcano tomorrow, and by “very horny volcano,” I mean Rosie O’Donnell’s dinner plate.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Sometimes at night, I hear music outside my window. I’m afraid to look out because I could be stuck in a John Cusack movie, and that really frightens me. Any suggestions?
Dear Sir or Madam, The thought of being in a John Cusack movie frightens all of us, believe me. However, I’m having John Cusack killed tomorrow in what will be a massive, staged drug deal gone wrong. If the music continues after tomorrow, it means that my alternate dimension, in which John Cusack never dies, is working. Now if I could only create a dimesion in which Lucy Lawless is always rubbing my testicles.
(Dr. Stinky is a giant tube of herbicidal ointment. Cosmic, dude.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I have gum in my hair. What can I do to get it out?
Dear Sir or Madam, What about what the gum wants? As we speak, the gum is nesting in your scalp and penetrating down to your brain. Sure, you may ask what right the gum has to do this, but what do you know about the troubles that the gum has seen? Did you know that the gum lost its aunt in a tragic train-plane-cow accident? Did you know that the gum lost several children to a Hitler-like hamster bent on world domination? Did you know that the gum has dropped in sales each year thanks to its flavor, bacon relish? Of course not, you insensitive jerk. If you had an ounce of dignity in you, you’d let that gum settle in your hair, raise what’s left of its family, and start the apartment building that it has always wanted. Even though your brain will soon be a giant lump of bacon relish gum thanks to the “morphing” process, you will find yourself a better human being for it.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Does alcohol really kill brain cells?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, although alcohol is slowly killing my liver, my psychological stability, and my marriage of 50 years, I doubt it is killing my brain cells. I’ve drank a bottle of wine every day for the last 35 years, and I still feel as mentally capable as any other human
being. Hey, I wonder how the inside of a cow tastes after being cooked by an atom bomb. Well, I better climb in and find out.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What have you done to solve the problems of gang violence in this country?
Dear Sir or Madam, I’m very glad you asked. Today’s prominent gangs, foremost among them being the Bloods and the Crips, are disappearing from today’s streets. I feel very strongly that something must be done to put them back on the streets. As of today, I have donated over 4000 cans of spray paint to both the Bloods and the Crips. In addition, I have supplied $50,000 worth of guns and ammo, $10,000 worth of knives and other sharp weapons, and $5000 each worth of incendiary devices. Soon, our city’s streets will be back to normal in no time, and with any luck, today’s gangs will be invading suburbs and country roads in no time. To increase this movement towards the country, I have supplied helpless Amish people to serve as target practice for all the bruthas, so they get a taste for their blood. This will also hopefully slow the rise in Amish violence that we have seen in recent years, so essentially we’re solving three problems with one bird!
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Do you judge me by the color of my skin?
Dear Sir or Madam, After careful consultation with a calendar with pictures of fish on it, half of the Partridge Family, a 1000-dollar television set, Andy, but not Amos, and a very angry lemur, I have decided that I am a wonderful excuse for a piece of cheese that belongs on a sandwich made by Mother Teresa shortly before she died. Oh, and I do judge you by the color of your skin, you worthless piece Latino garbage. Why don’t you go back to Mexico?
(Dr. Stinky may or may not have smothered your little brother, but the point is you never had a little brother.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Daddy hasn’t eaten since Mommy left him. What’s going to happen to Daddy?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, in a few days a pack of hungry wolves will undoubtedly devour Daddy and you will be forced to either fight your way into the pack’s respect, or face the same fate as daddy. Ha ha! I’m only kidding. You’ll actually be hunted by a pack of hungry bears.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I trust the hobbit or shall I take the precious?
Dear Sir or Madam, Personally, I wouldn’t trust the hobbit. Maybe this is due to the fact that I once walked in on a hobbit having sex with my mother and my immediate reaction was to tell my father. My father then set the hobbit on fire, and then we all had hobbit for dinner. It tasted kind of like mud, and we never talked about it again, but in the end I think we grew as a family.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I burn Seattle to the ground?
Dear Sir or Madam, I would try to burn Ottawa, Ontario, Canada to the ground first, mainly because the city had no right to emerge in the first place, but if you’d like to burn down Seattle, fine. This time though, make sure you do it right. We don’t want to have another “Agent X” situation. How does a man blow himself up with a leaf blower anyways?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What is the best way to die?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, once I killed a man in a giant vat of chocolate milk and he seemed pretty happy when he died from the drowning. But if you’re talking about dignity, I can think of no better way to go then falling from a burning airplane to be impaled on a cactus outside of Scottsdale, Arizona. My Uncle Benny went that way, which was good of him, because his death allowed me to get into my Aunt Diane’s pants. I just wish our babies weren’t so damned cross-eyed.
(Dr. Stinky thinks he is a giant waffle, but only this giant waffle iron will tell him for sure.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, The government in my country is soon to be overthrown. What can I do to ascend to power?
Dear Sir or Madam, Normally I would suggest a bloodless coup, but since I am not normal, I would suggest setting a pack of wild badgers loose in the parliament building, allowing them to take care of all the loose ends. Also, make sure you have a band of loyal, trustworthy friends who will help secure your place in office. Then, have them boiled in oil.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Is it true that you’re going to be in the new Terminator movie?
Dear Sir or Madam, Yes, the rumors you have heard are true. I have a small part in the new Terminator movie, and by small part, I mean I play the part of the vagina on the new female terminator. It’s really cool because the vagina is actually a vegetable slicer. For most of the filming, I was cutting up tomatoes and eating them.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you cooler than Fonzie?
Dear Sir or Madam, According to the American Film Institute, who makes more “Best of” lists than any basic organization should, I am not cooler than Fonzie. Of course, much of my lower rating has to do with Henry Winkler not speaking out about all the hideous animal experiments and sadistic sex trysts that I hold in my basement, and by basement, I mean my wife’s bedroom.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Wasn’t that Tigers-Yankees game this past Sunday the best you’ve ever seen?
Dear Sir or Madam, No, the best baseball game I’ve ever seen was that one in Yankee Stadium where the Mafia took out David Wells from the top row. Who’d have thought that you could get that kind of gun into Yankee Stadium, and…what? What do you mean they haven’t done it yet?…But they said…but I just revealed…they’ll kill me! Oh crap. I guess it’s back to Cambodia with me. Man, and I just got over Malaria.
(Dr. Stinky may be white, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still on top of your mom.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I’m here in the condiments aisle and I am torn between the Catsup and the Ketchup. What do you recommend?
Dear Sir or Madam, Long ago, the Catsup’s ancestors were forced out of Bulgaria by the Ketchup invaders. The Catsup people were then dispersed throughout all places on the Earth and even enslaved in Egypt. Later, they escaped and flourished throughout the Earth. Unfortunately, they continued to face persecution and many of them died in large-scale tomato-murdering facilities started by evil men named “Heinz” and “Spartan Foods.” The Catsup people still fight for their independence today in their new-forming nation, and for no other reason than this one alone should you by Catsup. Do not give the Ketchup people the money they do not deserve! It is blood money, plain and simple.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, You just made that whole Catsup story out of the story of the Jews, didn’t you?
Dear Sir or Madam, Look pal, don’t peddle your anti-Catsite crap in here. This is a non-partisan forum meant for those who support and fully appreciate my far-reaching, inexplicably extreme revolutionary views which will one day gain enough followers to overthrow the governments of Turkey, China, and possibly Trinidad, but not Tobago. Are you against Mustard too? Or relish? Or my uncle Jerry? Well he supported you in ‘Nam, even though he still won’t make you a hamburger. Nor will I now, but you just know that you had your chance.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Should I cook the rice or the potatoes?
Dear Sir or Madam, If you played God and genetically mutated potatoes to grow rice inside their skins like I did, you wouldn’t have this problem, now would you?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I accidentally swallowed my gum today when I was chewing it. My mom says that it will stay inside me for seven years. So does that mean if I do sit-ups in gym class that I’ll turn into a huge gumball and they’ll use me for a dodgeball?
Dear Sir or Madam, Of course that’s what it means. And you’d better do those situps fast too because Tommy threw one of our dodgeballs on the roof and Ms. Caratelli refuses to get it down. And anyways, I’m trying to hit Suzy Bauer. I think she has a thing for me.
(Dr. Stinky tied his own shoelaces today. The Special Teacher says you should clap for him or he’ll go and shoot everyone.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I hear that having a couple drinks a day will keep the doctor away, but every time I drink, I regain consciousness in the ER with 5 doctors not very far away at all. How come?
Dear Sir or Madam, Are you kidding? Have you seen yourself when you drink? Doctors gather around you to place bets about how long it’ll be until you strip the nurses naked again. And that mud wrestling match you held after the 5-kegger a few weeks ago? Sweet! Now, what you don’t know is that the doctors wheel you into the ER because it’s so damn funny, especially when you wake up and Dr. Jones uses that giant drill he has. Of course, that pain in your chest goes away in a few days.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I asked my friend’s mom if I could borrow $50. She immediately got on the phone, and called this guy named “Rocco.” 10 minutes later, her beeper went off and she excused herself to the other room to make another phone call. 20 minutes later, this very large man came to the front door and asked for her. The two of them went upstairs, and 20 minutes later the man left, and my friend’s mom gave me $50. So, I guess my question is, do you know which president’s face is on the $50 bill?
Dear Sir or Madam, The face of Ulysses S. Grant appears on the front of the $50 bill, but it also appears in my dreams, where it tortures me every night with the “Machine.” I wouldn’t mind it if the elves didn’t’ tickle me so much, nor would I mind it if former President Grant would let the elves live at the end of the night instead of making them jump into the lava. He says it’s for the betterment of mankind, so I guess I believe him. Although maybe I should get off the acid. Too late now, here comes Dan Rather out of the TV screen to eat me.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Where do babies come from? I’ve heard that whole sex story, but I don’t buy it. I mean, my mom isn’t even married, and I was born just fine. What gives?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, since your mom wasn’t married, she had to acquire you through what is called “adoption.” That’s where a prodigious donkey digs you up in your backyard and drags you out after your father, a Venus Flytrap plant, and your biological mother, a mayonnaise jar, conspired in the yard to try to bury you alive after you came out of the mayonnaise. The donkey protected you until your current mother came along, which is good, because otherwise, the mustard bottle would’ve found out that the mayonnaise was cheating on him and he would’ve killed her and you out of jealousy. Now that the mustard knows this, surely your biological mother is doomed. Oh well, she had a good run.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What makes you so stinky, Dr. Stinky?
Dear Sir or Madam, I’m mentally retarded. And I like lighting farts.
(Dr. Stinky is eating a Jehovah’s Witness right now, so you best not disturb him.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My wife had a baby that looks a lot like my brother. Should I be concerned?
Dear Sir or Madam, Of course not. I mean, some men would look at that situation and say, “My wife is cheating on me, oh man, my life is over.” But I mean, you can’t do that. You can’t just go around not trusting people like that. And besides, if you can’t trust your sister, who can you trust?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, I’ve grown accustomed to hearing my parents have sex every night…the walls at our house are very thin. However, lately my mom has been making these weird noises. At first, everything is fine, but once they get going, it’s almost like her voice changes and she sounds like a totally different woman. Her voice goes back and forth between her normal voice and this strange voice every couple of seconds. Is she ok? Do I need to call a doctor?
Dear Sir or Madam, Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down there! You ask too many questions at once. First of all, your mother is a French-Canadian spy who likes beef jerky and getting my gigantic cock shoved down her throat. Ha ha! I’m just kidding. She likes it shoved into her wet, wet slot. Second of all, your mother is quite sick, especially when she likes it “that way” but there’s no need to call a doctor. Also, there’s no need to wonder why I show up at your house around midnight every weekday, nor is there any need to wonder why your dad has all that video equipment stored away, nor is there any reason to wonder why your aunt Linda keeps leaving your house at 3 in the morning, or why she gives your dad and mom massages on the couch in her sexiest lingerie. Plain and simple, you think too much. Stop that.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Do you want a slightly used toothbrush?
Dear Sir or Madam, I want the voices in my head to stop telling me to kill the president. No, I wouldn’t. I would, however, like the donuts I buy to stop invading my room, cutting my head open, and implanting monitoring devices in my head. But life is not perfect, so yes, I guess I’ll take a slightly used toothbrush.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Are you the Magic Indian?
Dear Sir or Madam, After careful consultation with a ham and cheese sandwich with mayonnaise, Interstate Highway 69, John Madden, and a sexually confused skunk, I have decided that what I really need is inner peace, which is achieved by eating the innards of two large, decomposing elves. Oh, and the Magic Indian exists inside all of you.
(Dr. Stinky is the world’s first hermaphroditic scarecrow.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What exactly is this “Break-Up Bug” TM that I keep hearing about? Should I be afraid of it?
Dear Sir or Madam, That could be one of two things. It could be the mechanical bug that I created that I insert into people’s ears. The bug then proceeds to eat the internal organs of it’s “host,” thus making the body completely break apart into nothingness. Or it could be in reference to my master plan, breaking up all couples on Earth to form one giant orgy with the Olsen twins at the top of the action. You may think that a worldwide orgy is not a legitimate goal, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it. You should start rounding up the midgets and porn stars. Oh and the first bug? You could be afraid of it, considering I’ve wiped out half your family.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What is your first name?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, most of my patients call me a variety of names: Baby, Oh God, Put it in Now!, Faster, Faster, Faster, Spank me, Spank me hard. Even a few have called me Dad. One called me Uncle Joe, wasn’t too sure about her. One even lovingly called me Talk to my Lawyer. My real first name, the one my parents gave me when I was born, was “Doggy.” Explains all too much, doesn’t it?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What are your qualifications for this job? How do I know you are giving good and valid advice?
Dear Sir or Madam, Look, you could sit here and ask me those questions, or you could learn to quietly accept the fact that my mother is giving you a rectal exam while I am showering with your wife in an erotic fashion. I assure you, this is the only way you’ll ever build any real trust in your life. You can start by trusting that your wife gives really good head.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Where were you on the night of Sunday June 22nd, 2003?
Dear Sir or Madam, Well, I can tell you that I was not cooking elephants from the Barnum and Bailey Circus and selling their tusks for ivory. I did that on the 21st. As for the 22nd, I don’t quite remember, but I think it involved three Cuban cigars, a Bald Eagle named Jerry, and a really hot porn movie starring Bob and Elizabeth Dole.
(Dr. Stinky is a corrupt senator, but he’s a corrupt senator full of love.)
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Dear Dr. Stinky, What is your favorite color?
Dear Sir or Madam, My favorite color is the one that all my victims’ faces turn while I am choking them to death. Sometimes, blood comes out, so I guess I like red too.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, In my change I got a quarter with the letters “O-H-I-O” on the back of it. I think it has to do with China. Your thoughts?
Dear Sir or Madam, Recently, I received a quarter similar to the one you found, and I examined it closely. Though I am still not sure what exactly “Ohio” is, I gather that this quarter does indeed have something to do with China because of the picture of George Washington cooking his family’s dog on the front of the quarter. Also, you’re a slanty-eyed bastard.
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Dear Dr. Stinky, Dude, stop tearing up our flowerbed. My sister saw you this time so you can’t blame it on the dog again. It’s not cool!
Dear Sir or Madam, Look, you can stand there blaming me, or you can come to terms and realize who’s really tearing up your flower bed…Jennifer Lopez. I realize you saw me in the garden, but I’m not tearing it up so to speak. It just happens because Jenny likes it rough. You heard she’s Jenny from the block? I can tell you that he gets really turned on when she hits you with a cement block. Now where did my teeth go?
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Dear Dr. Stinky, My life is incredibly stressful right now. I tried breaking up with my boyfriend and eating chocolate but neither seemed to help. What can I do?
Dear Sir or Madam, After careful consultation with a turkey breast sandwich, the Detroit Tigers, a stuffed teddy bear named Fred, and a very angry camel, I have decided that I am a fine leather wallet used to beat young ballerinas when they refuse to molest their teacher. Oh, and you should go on a massive killing spree. That always helps.
(Dr. Stinky’s socks are attacking him. Please help him, this is not part of his column.)
Joke #5437
Q: What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
A: It gets wet.
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Another version of this joke:
Q: If you throw a green Martian into the Black Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Joke #5429
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: How can I get hard? I just got laid.
Joke #5252: Car Problems
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”
I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”
“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.
“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”
“In the lake!”
Joke #5249: Fibbing Away
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country.
Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
“There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!”
“Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!”
“Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!”