Tag Archives: trash can

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Films

Trash Can Betty

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(Betty is on a street corner, “hiding” in a trash can)

Betty: I hope no one finds me in here

(Betty stays in the trash can the whole night)

Betty: well, I guess no one was looking for me

(audience laughs, because he has a banana peel on his head)

(the next morning, he is still in the trash can, sleeping. You can hear snoring inside the trash can)

(a garbage truck comes along, which sounds like his snoring in the trash can, so the Garbage Man doesn’t know Betty is in there, and he dumps him into the garbage truck. Betty falls in with a big thump, and the garbage truck’s hatch closes up)

(Betty wakes up)

Betty: where am I? Did the trash can get bigger? Or did I shrink?

(audience laughs because he’s so stupid)

(5 hours later, the garbage truck ends up at the dump, and he’s dumped in the middle of nowhere)

Betty: oh great. Now what?

(audience laughs)

Betty: where’s all that laughing coming from?

(Betty looks around and then shrugs)

(Betty sees a huge hill of garbage)

Betty: I wonder, what’s up there?

(Betty climbs up halfway – when a huge bulldozer appears out of nowhere, coming straight at Betty!)

(audience laughs as Betty runs for his life down the mountain of garbage)

(Betty trips and falls head first into a toilet, tipping it over, making it so that he is on top of the toilet, with his head in the bowl)

(Betty takes his head out of the toilet, looking over the bowl at the bulldozer coming straight at him. All of a sudden, a washing machine flies out of nowhere and blows up the bulldozer)

Betty: whoa! What was that?

(Betty looked at where the washing machine came from, and he got a horrified look on his face)

Betty: oh no! GARBAGE PEOPLE!

(10 scantily clad garbage people wearing trash can suits with sharpened TV antennas and trash can lids for shields came up to him)

Garbage person 1: who are you?

Betty: I’m Betty. I don’t know how I got here

Garbage person 3: It was the Gods! I swear it! They drive their trucks down here and throw away the people they don’t want! Just like Mr. Teddums here.

(Garbage person 3 pets a teddy bear that has its bottom half cut off)

Garbage person 7: we were once just like you. Alone, and afraid in the truck, and being chased down by those mechanical brooms!

Betty: riiighht….

(audience laughs)

Garbage person 10: are you laughing at us!?

Betty: me? Of course not…I’m gonna go home now, bye.

Garbage people: bye

(audience laughs)

(end)

Squackle Broadcasting Company, Commercials

Super Secure Trash Cans

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Announcer Guy: hello, I am the announcer guy that seems to be the voice of every commercial and movie trailer that has an announcer in it, and I don’t get any flippin’ credit! How do people know how to hire me? I’m not exactly rich, because I’m not put into the credits or anything. But somehow, this Trash Can Company called the Super Trash Can Company hired me for 15 and a half bucks to tell you about their new product, the Super Secure Trash Cans.

(Announcer Guy walks net to a trash can)

Announcer Guy: are you pissed off at assholes trying to steal your garbage so it doesn’t go to the dump, and they’d actually probably get some use out of your trash? Now, if you buy these new trash cans, keys come with them, so you can lock and unlock your trash cans! Ain’t that great? There’s also a way to get thieves that really mean business-wanting to cut open the trash can with an axe or by any means necessary including, but not limited to

(scrolls really fast)

  • Drowing the trash can
  • Cutting it open with an axe
  • Ramming it with a bulldozer
  • Fast-talking politician-type speech

Announcer Guy: If you get the Deluxe version, the trash can defends itself. Observe.

(Announcer Guy walks nearer to the trash can)

Trash Can: STEP AWAY FROM THE TRASH CAN-OR ELSE!

Announcer Guy: most people would have crapped their panties already, but if they realllllllllly want your trash can that badly, and take one step closer…

(Announcer Guy takes one step closer)

Trash Can: you asked for it, asshole

(Trash Can sprouts legs and arms, and the Trash Can reaches inside and takes out a shotgun, blowing Announcer Guy away, and stomping on him over and over)

(The Trash Can runs around blowing away the camera guys and staff)

(The screen cuts to the Technical Difficulties sign with Dacky on it, playing classical music)

(fade out)

(end)

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Trash Cans – The Portal to Another World

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Have you ever been in a trash can? I haven’t, but I’ll tell you why trash cans may be the portal to another world. It may not be an instantaneous portal, but it’s a portal nonetheless.

 

Pretend you’re a Hostess Cup Cake Tray. Oh boy did the person that ate those cupcakes like those cupcakes. “mmmhmm” he even said, as he crumpled you up and stepped on you, that torturous bastard!

 

But you live anyway, as you’re tossed into the trash can. You try to heal your wounds, but it takes a while. That’s when a Janitor Monster comes. He’s so big and smelly its not even funny. He ties up the bag you’ve made a home in, and met your friends Banana Peel and Clothes Tag.

 

Everything is dark now. You’re moving around…going up…oh no! You’re falling! Aaaahhh!!! And finally you’re at the landfill. Nothing happens until night, when…The Aliens COME!!! AAAH!! They take the trash and make new aliens out of you so that one day, the Earth’s trash will kill them! Ironic ain’t it? The aliens give you a lot of sexual pleasure too. Its good to be trash!

Stories

The Crowded Quad…

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As I walked around the crowded quad with my friend Christina, I noticed that next to the wall grew a beautiful flower called a rose. So I sat down on a nearby bench, and started to study this wonderful plant. I found out a couple interesting facts about this rose. For example, it smelled like a perfume that my mother wears to a party or to her work. It has spiky thorns located on its stem, and has the color pink and red in its petals. Later, I saw a bug on a lunch table that scared Christina and me because we had not seen such a bug before. It had a lime green body with six legs, three on each side of its body. It jumped about three inches high into the air, kind of like a baby cricket.

A couple of feet away from the bug there lay a trash can, in the dirt next to some grass and weeds. The trash can became covered in dirt from the wind. It used to smell like rubber, but now it smells like trash. I saw some kids squash it a couple of days ago, which can destroy the environment. I smelled many things in the quad that I did not notice until I really gave it some thought. For example, the air smelled of a hot dog which came from the snack shop. The trees smelled of pine.

I’ve learned that there are many smells in not only the quad but everywhere in the world. There are also plants, little tiny creatures, interesting smells, and many other things on this Earth, that we need to take some time to think about. For all we know, those facts that we came up with will be very handy in our future.

Stories

The Autobiography of Arby, the Crappy Fast Food Restaurant Owner

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Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!

It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.

Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.

I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?

Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!

As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.

Or so we thought.

That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…

THE END

Stories

Percy’s Day Out – The Prequel to Sniper Problems…

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“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.

It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.

But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…

He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.

Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.

When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.

He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.

Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:

“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.

Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.

Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.

After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.

The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…

When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.

They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.

When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!

It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.

You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…

(see what happens in Sniper Problems…)

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5265

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There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the police. They run into an alley.

The brunette jumps into a box, the redhead jumps behind a trash can and the blonde jumps into an old potato sack.

The cops come down the alley. They kick the box and the brunette goes “ARF ARF!!” “oh, it’s just an old dog.” the policeman says.

Then they kick the trash can and the redhead goes “MEOW!!” “oh, it’s just an old cat” the policman says.

Then they kick the potato sack and the blonde yells “POTATO POTATO POTATO!!!!!”

Guides

How To Make a Squackle Gang

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Note: Don’t actually do this, please.

1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.

2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
Name:

  • The Cazzys
  • Foo Foo Tinas
  • The Tutu Posse
  • Mean Clowns that Bark
  • The Crazy Kitties
  • The Counts of Monte Cristo
  • The Vampire Squad
  • The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
  • The Miss Pellers
  • The Hotties
  • The Coldies
  • The Assrammers
  • The Spider
  • Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
  • The Guys that Follow You Home
  • The Second of Man
  • Summer Time
  • Waugh
  • The Super Marios
  • The Crown Jewels
  • The Homeless
  • We Breathe
  • Tarzan RULES
  • Metallicats
  • The Swat Katz
  • Allison Chains
  • The Bud Light Buddies
  • The Treks
  • The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)

Theme:

  • Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
  • Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
  • Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
  • Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
  • Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
  • White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
  • Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
  • Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
  • Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
  • Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
  • Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
  • Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
  • Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
  • The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
  • The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
  • Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
  • Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
  • Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
  • Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
  • Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
  • Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
  • Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.”  They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.

3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:

  • Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
  • Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
  • Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
  • Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
  • Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
  • Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
  • Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
  • Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
  • Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
  • Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
  • Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
  • Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents

4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.

5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!

6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.

7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.

8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.

9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.