temala – n. an instance in time where dough gets in front of your face as you get your picture taken
Tag Archives: time
Things That Take Too Long to Learn
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your true friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
The Media
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Thank you.
Jenkins
Once upon a time there was a shoe salesman named Jenkins. He had a terrible life. He was gay, an alcoholic, weighed 450 pounds, and he hadn’t sold a pair of shoes since 1978. Then one day the tooth fairy came to him. He said “what the hell are you doing here, you’re the tooth fairy, get away”. The tooth fairy said “No. You are pretty weird. I’m here to help you and you won’t except my help. What kind of position are you in to shoo me away huh fatty?” Then Jenkins said fine, What should I do. So the tooth fairy extracted all of his teeth, made his hair pink, made him work out until he weighed 98 pounds, and put him in a permanent tutu. His life got even worse. So he shot the tooth fairy with a shot gun and he exploded. Jenkins is living in a mental institution as of now and the tooth fairy has not been seen since. The moral of the story is, don’t trust the tooth fairy or your life will suck forever.
The End
Stuck In the Past
This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.
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It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.
Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.
Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.
The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.
Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.
Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.
Time Warp
One day a person named Ed was serving someone at Good Burger. The customer said, “I’d like to have a Good Shake please.” Ed said, “OK” then Ed shook him. The customer said, ” What are you doing? I’m going to Mondo Burger.” Then 2 aliens with 3 hands each came in. Ed said, “Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?” One alien said, “We want your planet……how much is it?” Ed says, “One Good Earth. That’ll be 8 bucks.” The alien said, “Thank you for selling your world for 8 bucks. We’ll send you to anytime in the past.” Ed said, “Cool” then he started shaking their hands in the middle of their stomachs and accidentally ripped them out. The alien said, “You have pulled out our hands from our stomachs!” Ed said, “Uh no.” “We will transport you to the midevil times now.” Then there was a circle over Ed. The circle sucked him up.
Meanwhile in the midevil times the evil God was about to kill the king. Then out of nowhere Ed fell on top of the evil God who died because the sword went through his head. Then Ed said, “Uh no.” The king said, “Thank you. You have saved me. I will grant you anything you want.” Ed said, “I want 8 bucks.” The king gave him 8 bucks and they lived happily ever after after Ed killed the king accidentally.
THE END
Moral: Violence don’t play that game.
The Case of the Missing Coat of Arms
I was stupid in 6th grade and thought it would be funny that I should make this like a Scooby Doo mystery. Remember, I made this in 1997, when I was in 6th grade…
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(version 9.9999.1 ½)
On September 4, 1994 King Arthur’s coat of arms was stolen. Detective Sam Smith was at his desk filing a report on some “punk” he caught on Main St. when the Sheriff came up to him and said “Smith, King Arthur’s Coat of guns were stolen!” Det. Smith said, “I believe that is coat of armor sir.” “No” said the Sheriff “it says coat of arms so I’m thinking that someone stole the guns to take over the world!” Det. Smith said, “OK I’ll take the task, but, before I leave, it’s armor that was stolen.” “Guns” said the Sheriff, but Det. Smith was in his Viper before he said it.
When he got to the scene of the crime no one was there. In a distant tunnel there was a bunch of photographers on top of a crashed car taking pictures of the car. Det. Smith thought nothing of it. He went inside the castle and there was King Arthur’s coat of arms! Then out of nowhere, a monster came out of the darkness! Det. Smith started running. As Det. Smith ran down the endless corridor he saw a lot of chandeliers. He thought maybe he could trap the guy by cutting a rope and trapping the monster inside like the cartoons!
When he had a chance he cut the rope on a chandelier he captured the monster, then he said, “It’s time to unmask you. He took off a mask and he said, “Don Knotts?”
He thought and said, “Hey wait a minute.” He tool off tons of masks. It sorta went in this order: Don Knotts, Scooby Doo, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Michael Jackson, Bugs Bunny, Bigfoot, and millions of others. Then the crook said, “Enough with the masks!!!” Then the crook took off the remaining masks. Det. Smith said, “Sheriff? Why did you do it Sheriff?” The “Sheriff” said, “Why do you think …. Because I’m evil ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” “Sorry whoever you are but you’re going to jail!
THE END
Applications In Space
The sweat dripped off my fingers and into the cracks. “Not again,” I thought. I could hear my heart thumping with a quickening pace. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Was it really a prompt? It sure didn’t prompt me to do anything but want to leave. The floor creaked. “Who’s there?” I yelled, but I don’t wait for an answer. I knew who was there. I quickly drew out my blaster and blew the door to hell. “That would do it,” I told myself as I slowly turned back to the screen, but I knew there was nothing I could do. There was no time, so I did to the screen what I do to anything else that I don’t have time for: I put my fist in it. The glass shards ripped through my hand like razorblades. For some reason I thought it was made of plastic. It didn’t matter much; you only need one finger to pull a trigger. I stood up and kicked over my desk, just for effect.
“Oh my gosh! What happened to your hand?” she asked, stepping over the trilorg carcass. “College essays,” I said, nodding to the overturned desk. Of course she wanted to look at my hand. She always acted like she was a doctor. “Well that glass has gotta go,” Glenn said, rubbing her chin. I smiled and told her to warn the others about the trilorgs. Murderous eight foot tall creatures that feast on brains were not something easily forgotten. These college applications were a curse, they swelled my brain. I thought my head must have looked like a big supple ham to them. I looked up, something was moving around on the floor above us. She heard it too. “Isn’t that the bridge above us?” she asked. She was right, they were probably flying us right to some trilorg slaughterhouse. “We’re wasting time, just go!” I yell. I wasn’t this nervous since last Thursday… the last time this happened. The circumstances were different. This carnage was supplemental. She ran out the rear airlock and I heard a muffled scream, then the sound of a bone saw. They were hungrier than I thought. That didn’t give me much time; they were probably planning to eat us all now, on our own ship. I jumped out the airlock and pumped three ounces of plasma into the trilorg. Glenn’s brain was exposed… that just did it. I kicked the trilorg’s remaining teeth in and headed towards the bridge.
I was blasting trilorgs left and right. You could hear the burning plasma rip into their bodies and come out the other side. My gun soon overloaded and died, that was inevitable. I kicked a few in the jaw as I made my way over to the main control panel to do what I had come there to do. I smashed down the ship’s self destruct button, that seemed to have the word “SUBMIT” on it, with my bloody fist and muttered, “See you all in hell.”
The ship groaned and shook, but no explosion came. I cursed under my breath. I must have forgotten some field… I searched the panel for a red asterix, but I ended up finding a few on my chest from the trilorgs’ blasters. One of them said something like, “Don’t move, human.” I could hear the whir of a bone saw behind me. Another one moved past me and tapped some commands into the panel. They were locking all the airlocks on the ship. “That’ll stop these pesky interruptions,” the trilorg said. Just then it clicked: all of the trilorgs had to be right here with me on the bridge. I slid my hand down to my belt. A trilorg shot my arm off. Through the immense pain I could hear them laughing and fighting over the fresh meat. With the diversion going, I whipped my other hand to my belt and unloaded three high explosive plasma grenades and smiled. “Eat up.” I said, tossing one in each mouth.
I woke up with a start, dried saliva on the corner of my mouth, my computer screen intact. “Crap,” I thought. The prompt is still there blinking incessantly. Nothing done, again.
Godzilla on a Rampage in Fredburg, Wisconsin
“Raughauhreauwah!” roared Godzilla.
“We have to stop him now!” said Bob the General guy as he smacked his fist into his hand.
“Hey!” said Bill the scientist, “I need to study it further. His single eyelash could hold the cure for cancer!”
“You stupid scientist, reptiles don’t have eyelashes!”
“How do you know?”
“Hack…..tooey!” spat the general as he spat in Bill’s face and pushed him out of the car.
“Now for my real mission,” growled Bob, “To build a flux capacitor to transform my Delorian into a time machine.”
Bob knew just what to do with a time machine.
“Hmm, yes,” said Bob, “You just wait…”
It took Bob three years and 237 viewings of “Back to the Future,” but he built his time machine. Meanwhile Godzilla had been destroyed by Bill. Bill then had quintuplets with Martha Stewart and now lived in a lovely six bedroom house in Sweden with a big backyard…but that’s another story.
Bob went forward in time to 2047 to visit John Connor, who never existed when Bob got there, but really did…I’ll get into that later.
“Hi,” said Bob
“Who are you?” said John
“Hey that’s a nice Terminator.”
“Yes. I reprogrammed it to protect me when I was a child.”
“Hey that’s great. I bet you can’t make it get in my car.”
“Like hell I can’t!”
Bob went back to 2002 with his Terminator, but the Terminator ran away looking for John Connor, whom had been killed only years earlier.
“Crap!” shouted Bob, “I sure suck at being a general! I don’t even have an army!”
Just then an artillery shell blew up next to him. He was blown into a bunch of pieces that all landed in trees.
Bill died 20 years later of an infection in his toenail.
The crappy end
Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin
Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun
The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,
the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…
“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.
“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.
“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.
“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose
Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.
“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.
“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.
“Knockity knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.
“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.
By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.
“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”
” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”
“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.
“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.
Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia
Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…
There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.
“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”
“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin
All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.
Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.
Chapter 3 Why?
You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!
Chapter 4 Moose says Moo
“Moo,” says Moose.
Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo
Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.
“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.
Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:
“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo
“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.
“Chatter- squeak!!”
“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”
Chapter 6 Evil People
Back to the warehouse…
“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”
“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.
“Well you see-”
“See what, I don’t see anything.”
“Well I have these-”
“These what? Speak up!”
” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”
“With the what?”
“Sir would you please let me finish!!”
“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”
“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”
“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”
“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”
“Gasp!”
“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“………………Yep.”
“Alright, shut-up.”
Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars
We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.
Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.
“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”
The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.
“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.
He is using the leg as a kind of bat.
Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.
“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.
“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”
“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”
Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down
down
down.
“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.
Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.
“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.
“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.
Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)
We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets
looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:
“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”
He walks in front of a weird shop called:
THE I.T.C.H.
Hippie Heaven
-It’s Quacktastic!-
A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:
“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”
“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.
“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”
“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“Don’t do drugs.”
“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”
“Duh, okay.”
“Quack!”
“Where’d that come from?!”
“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”
“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”
“Corn- ear?”
“That way.”
Chapter 9 Payphone Rage
Moose walks up to the payphone.
“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”
“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.
A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”
“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”
“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.
“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”
“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”
Moose is angry. (You would be too!)
“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.
Moose dials a number.
Chapter 10 Squack Returns
“Um, hello?” says Moose.
“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”
“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.
“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”
“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.
After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.
“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.
“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.
“Well take it.”
“Um… okay…”
Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.
“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.
“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.
“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”
“Uh, thank you…”
“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”
“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”
“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”
“Okay, bye.”
Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.
A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.
“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”
Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!
Chapter 11 I am The Rock
We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”
“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.
“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”
The Rock’s cell phone rings.
“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”
“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.
“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.
The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.
“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.
Chapter 12 New Allies
We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe
A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.
“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”
“Okay, bye,” says Moose.
“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.
The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.
“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.
They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.
Chapter 13 Hideout
Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front
of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.
The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.
“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”
“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”
The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.
“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”
“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”
“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”
The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***
” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.
“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.
The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.
“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.
“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.
“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”
“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”
“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”
“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.
Chapter 14 Ponder
Ponder…
Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha
“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.
Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.
Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.
The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.
“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”
The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.
THE WORLD IS SAVED!
Yay!
Chapter 16 Stuff
The Rock-
“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”
The Writer-
Hello! Nya, nya, nya!
The Backpack Without Straps
Once upon a time, there was a backpack without straps. It was bought by a little boy named Johnny. Little Johnny loved the backpack and didn’t care if it didn’t have straps. Little Johnny carried the backpack to school every day and the kids there laughed at him and picked on him. After a while, the backpack grew tired of this. So one night, the backpack grew straps.
When little Johnny woke up, he was so happy to see his backpack had straps, that he hugged the backpack. The backpack hugged him back but got his straps all tangled up behind the boy’s back.
The morning went by and little Johnny tugged and pulled but the backpack wasn’t coming off. Little Johnny’s mom said that he should go to school like that. So, reluctantly little Johnny went to school with the backpack tied around his waist. At first some kids thought it was weird and made fun of little Johnny, but then they thought it was kinda cool. His friends thought it was weird but little Johnny just ignored them.
Soon everyone but little Johnny’s friends thought this idea was really cool and started copying him. Little Johnny was praised by the school but his friends just kept carrying their backpack the “normal” way. Little Johnny threatened to beat the friends up and never talk to them again if they didn’t follow his style. The friends gave up and started wearing their backpacks around their waist.
Little Johnny was happier then ever and the backpack was just holding onto his waist. Little Johnny went to sleep and woke up with the backpack around his waist. The backpack didn’t get much sleep and neither did little Johnny, because it was very uncomfortable to sleep like that. Months went by and little Johnny wasn’t getting much sleep and his grades were showing it. He became fixated with being cool and sacrificed his sleeping hours just to be cool. The backpack was getting mighty tired, too.
One night while the boy was half asleep, the backpack stretched out it’s straps and the straps magically untied themselves. The backpack slowly crept away from little Johnny and fell sleep under his bed. The next morning, little Johnny woke up to a shock. Little Johnny searched for his backpack and found it, sound asleep, under his bed. Little Johnny tried to tie it behind his back but the backpack was too tired to hold on, so it kept falling off. Little Johnny grew angry and slid the backpack on his shoulders.
As he walked to school, the backpack didn’t have enough strength to hold the zipper shut and slowly opened up. Little Johnny’s book’s fell out all over the ground.
Little Johnny was too concerned at what the kids would say when they would find out he didn’t have the backpack around his waist to listen to the sound of his books falling. When little Johnny got to school, the kids didn’t even notice. Little Johnny’s friends didn’t care either. It was like Little Johnny was invisible. He was relieved but he went to class and found out all his books were missing! Little Johnny grew so angry that when he went home, he threw his backpack in the corner to never use it again.
The backpack felt lonely after a couple of nights and magically removed his straps! The next day little Johnny was so happy and he carried his backpack to school. Little Johnny’s friends started talking to little Johnny again and little Johnny felt happy.
They removed their straps from around their waist. Little Johnny and his backpack had there own secret straps attached to each another, it’s just you couldn’t see it. They lived happily ever after.
The Sad Pallet
Once upon a time there was an artist. He was an Impressionist that seemed to paint the saddest looking paintings when he used a particular pallet. He nicknamed the pallet George Jatus Sicklehymer Smit III, but for short, George.
George wasn’t really ever happy. He wasn’t popular in school, got bad grades, and didn’t get his first thumbing until he was 25. George was the saddest pallet in the world, and when the artist painted with him, the saddest shades of every color on him came out on the canvas.
One day, in the pallet box, Jonathon Ronald John Esquire (John for short) and Elizabeth Louise Patrick (Lizzy for short) were all sitting around drinking alcoholic paint. John and Lizzy had been going out for about 15 years, and often got their paint mixed up on each other, (if you know what I mean) and George often envied them, because he wanted to mix pain with someone, too.
So John and Lizzy, knowing how sad George was, thought they should help him out a bit. They thought it would be good for George to go to the paint store, and check out the teenagers. We all need some under-aged love sometimes, y’know. George thought about it, and decided to go along with what they suggested. As soon as George left, John and Lizzy made a mess of paint. There was so much paint dripping and squirting, it was nasty to watch.
Anywayyyy! George went to Mr. Rosebud’s Paint Shoppe. There were a lot of nice pallets and he liked the way their holes looked. He met a simple 15 year old pallet named Sandra. Sandra was actually a whore, but George didn’t know that, even though she had a tag that said “Whore Paint Supplies” and was priced at $8.99 without tax. It may give the impression that she was $8, like those damn corporate businesses want us to think, but its really $9! They think they can trick us with their sly methods of deceiving!
So then George and Sandra squirted some paint around (if you know what I mean) and when George found out Sandra was a whore, he shot her, then shot John and Lizzy and the artist. George was finally happy, as he was carted off to an art school.
Time
Time is
A mystery,
Filled with uncertainties,
An unknown space that never ends
Ever.
15 Things You Don’t Want To Hear in Surgery
1. Wow this is just like a balloon.
2. Did you say left or right arm?
3. Let’s Eat.
4. That organ is leaking.
5. My ring fell in there.
6. Come on guys. We can make it fit.
7. What color is the vein again.
8. If I cut fast enough will the blood still be blue?
9. This guy has kidneys like a camel. Let’s take one.
10. He must eat a lotta McDonalds!
11. BREAK TIME!
12. She waited 20 years! What’s another day?
13. I’m just a little jumpy.
14. I have split personalities!
15. This should make a nice ash tray….
Actual (Stupid) Label Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
– On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. [Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair]
– On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
– On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” [And that would be how…?]
– On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” [But it’s *just* a suggestion]
– On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down”. [Oops, too late!]
– On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. [As sure as night follows the day…]
– On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. [But wouldn’t this save even more time?]
– On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
– On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness” [One would hope]
– On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. [As opposed to what?]
– On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. [I gotta admit, I’m curious].
– On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. [NEWS FLASH]
– On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.” [Step 3: Fly Delta]
– On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. [I don’t blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]