I’m so unpopular. Last year I ran for political office and didn’t get a single vote, not even my own.
Tag Archives: office
Joke #10661
Learning new computer skills can be a challenge. An office manager in my software training class, taking nothing for granted, jotted down every word I said.
During a break I peeked over his shoulder and read what he’d written… “New Computer Training–password is first name. Mine is ‘Bob’.”
Joke #9311: Fresh Popped Colonel
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said “Kramer, your grandmother died.”
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, “You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.”
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor’s grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, “Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!”
Joke #9303: The Sweat Smell of Success
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.”
An overweight man in the corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”
Joke #9079
Q: What’s green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A: The pool table in the oval office.
Fun Stuff To Do
– Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, then punch them in the face.
– Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. Then after everyone gives you sympathy remarks tell them you were just kidding and tell them they are all a bunch of queers.
– Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “beat that.”
– Inform a co-worker that he wouldn’t make a good hooker then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good ass-fucking.
– Walk around with a big smile on your face while keeping one hand down your pants.
– Answer every question with “fuck if I know” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.
– Brag about the fact that you own a gun and keep playing with your nuts, get them really sweaty , then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.
– Shit on the floor of your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them that it’s the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
– Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over the place and yell “It won’t stop!” then when it stops, look down and say “oh.”
10. ask to borrow someon’es pen. take it to the bathroom and stick it in your ass. return it and tell the person to smell it. when they tell you it smells like shit say ” it should i had it in my ass !! “
Municipal Poopoo
Yes, Poopoo is my name…Municipal Poopoo. My mom abandoned me when I was just a turd. I never saw my dad, but I blame him for flushing me down the toilet.
I’m a detective. My house, my office, is a sespool. I get new cases everytime, y’see, when “they” flush them down, down into my office.
The bacteria in the sespool are my security system. When a bad turd comes around, they eat’m up right away.
But when there is a turd with a good case, I take it up personally. Like once when this old geezer came along and said, “Yo llevo un el gato en mi pantalones” I knew who he was. He was the old Spanish turd from a Spanish guy pooping on “their” toilet.
He said, “I need you to find out who pooped me out.” So, I helped the old 15 year-old geezer, by scraping the old poo-skin-layer off of him, he then tossed his cane and ran around the sespool, screaming, “I’m reborn!” …Then he broke in half and died. It was a grousome sight.
I wanted to know what happened to the old geezer, after, all I did have to scrape his hairy poo-skin off…
I went down to the bar, and asked around if anybody knew him. One guy did. It was the bartender. He said he’d talk, only if I got a pee from the Septic Tank, so I gave him 15 poo-coins and he gave me a jug of pee. It had a nice smell, and it had a layer of foam on it, a true sign it came straight from the septic tank.
“Well, you gonna tell me anything?” I said after a sip of pee. The bartender rolled around to me and said, “sure. the old geezer just drank some pee and said he was going to revitalize his body and take a poo-bath.” “hmm…” I thought to myself, “That old geezer should have lived another 5 years…”
It was then, I remembered seeing a sparkle as the old geezar split in half. Then it came to me. He was assassinated! I recognized the sparkle as a shiny tooth. The assassin must have been cleaning it for weeks!
I looked around, looking for any suspicious looking Poos around. That’s when I saw a guy with a tooth-machete. It glimmered in the light. Just as I made my move, he sliced another piece of poo while he was running away from me. Poor soul.
Once he got out of the bar, I shot him 5 times with my Poo-ray gun. Then he was eaten by the bacteria.
Well, that was the best adventure I ever had. All in a days work, of course.
Bye
Joke #5342
A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”
“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”
Joke #5258: Fired!
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen”, said the CEO, “this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly”, said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent! Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I need two copies of that.”
Joke #5253: The Lady and The Bank President
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s alot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?
“The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?
“The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the betagain and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”
Joke #5247: Family Vacation
The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.
“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.
“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.
“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”
“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”
“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”
“Sure. This is my father!”
Joke #5246: Then and Now
1972: Long Hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2002: Moving to California because it’s warm.
1972: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2002: Getting a new hip joint.
1972: Being called into the principal’s office.
2002: Calling the principal’s office.
Joke #5236: A Woman’s Wreck
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Joke #5215: Mating Calls
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean.”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob says, “No, what do you mean?”
“You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.”
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. “May I help you?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”
“But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…”
“Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”
Joke #5214: Gotta Go
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn’t find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I gotta go, man,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t go here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “whiz away.”
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. “Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”