Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10687: davepoobond -> cafin8ed penguin

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davepoobond: hey

cafin8ed penguin: fuck… now what…

cafin8ed penguin: who are you?

davepoobond: geez you have to be so mean

davepoobond: that’s not a very nice way to start out a conversation y’know man

cafin8ed penguin: yah i know

davepoobond: cinnamon

davepoobond: and

davepoobond: gay

davepoobond: sex

cafin8ed penguin: what a neat combination, i won’t try it sometime

davepoobond: stupid girl

davepoobond: ffffffffffffffffff

cafin8ed penguin: who?

davepoobond: jo MAMA

davepoobond: you can tell by the way i use my walk, i’m a woman’s man

cafin8ed penguin: *smack*

davepoobond: no time to talk

davepoobond: music loud, i’ve been kicked around

davepoobond: since i was born

davepoobond: its alright

davepoobond: its ok

davepoobond: you may look the other way

davepoobond: we can try to understand

davepoobond: the new york times affect on mannn

davepoobond: whether you’re a mother or whether you’re a brother your stayin alive

davepoobond: stayin alive

davepoobond: blahrdy blahrdy blah

davepoobond: stayin alive

davepoobond: stayin alive

davepoobond: AH AH AH AH AH

davepoobond: STAYIN ALIVEEEEEEEE

davepoobond: come on with me now,

davepoobond: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

davepoobond: yer not singing

cafin8ed penguin: i don’t wanna sing

cafin8ed penguin: at least not this song

cafin8ed penguin: beegee’s right?

davepoobond: i’m singing the ozzy osbourne version

davepoobond: now before you shit your pants and try to get it off gayzaa

davepoobond: umm

davepoobond: ok shit your pants

davepoobond: you feel that shiver down your spine?

cafin8ed penguin: nope

davepoobond: that’s me

cafin8ed penguin: i don’t have a spine

cafin8ed penguin: im a floating head

davepoobond: how can that be!

davepoobond: where’s your shoulders!

cafin8ed penguin: i type using telekenesis

cafin8ed penguin: i don’t need shoulders

davepoobond: que?

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

#10686: Bcum A Pyro -> davepoobond

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Bcum A Pyro: hello

davepoobond: hi

Bcum A Pyro: u smell like poo\

davepoobond: you probably think thats funny huh

Bcum A Pyro: uh huh

Bcum A Pyro: are u attractive?

davepoobond: sure

Bcum A Pyro: r u sexy?

davepoobond: sure

Bcum A Pyro: am i making u hott?

davepoobond: they come hand in hand

davepoobond: no

Bcum A Pyro: oic

Bcum A Pyro: bye

davepoobond: l

Previous message was not received by Bcum A Pyro because of error: User Bcum A Pyro is not available.

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10685: CapnChubby -> stimpyismyname

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CapnChubby: how can i contact the guy named stimpyismyname from Squackle?

stimpyismyname: thaaaats me

stimpyismyname: why

CapnChubby: o

CapnChubby: he gave my game a 5/10 and called it gay

stimpyismyname: which one

stimpyismyname: brb

CapnChubby: christmas crunch

CapnChubby: basically its because my foot needs to contact his ass but i 5got aboot it until 3day.

stimpyismyname: i see

CapnChubby: well not really

stimpyismyname: do you really care

stimpyismyname: you made it in a day or something

CapnChubby: no like 3 months

CapnChubby: for the contest

CapnChubby: at GMC

stimpyismyname: i thought you said 15 min

CapnChubby: no

CapnChubby: that was the snake one

stimpyismyname: how could it take you 3 months

CapnChubby: how can i make 75 levels in 15 minutes?

stimpyismyname: wow

stimpyismyname: i didnt play it that long

CapnChubby: yeah

stimpyismyname: hehe

CapnChubby: didnt think so thats kinda why im pissed but it still got on Gamehippo and got 5/10 there too and people still download it

stimpyismyname: …k

CapnChubby: so im not too mad

CapnChubby: and i wont beatyou to a bloody pulp

stimpyismyname: uh huh..

CapnChubby: ill kindly thank you for the constructive critism

stimpyismyname: it mostly was

stimpyismyname: i was just kidding on the end

CapnChubby: except the GAY GAY GAY GAY part

stimpyismyname: right

stimpyismyname: i can’t get my mail

stimpyismyname: its pissing me off

CapnChubby: o

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10682: Space Poop -> davepoobond

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Space Poop: hey

davepoobond: hi

Space Poop: a/s/l

davepoobond: 17/m/ca

davepoobond: u

Space Poop: 17/m/il

Space Poop: i saw ur website

Space Poop: its funny

davepoobond: thanks

Space Poop: poo

davepoobond: what’d you like about it

Space Poop: poo is in both our sn’s

davepoobond: yeah…

Space Poop: what did i like about what?

davepoobond: the site

Space Poop: its funny as hell

davepoobond: like anything in specific

Space Poop: umm

Space Poop: its funny?

Space Poop: i dunno

davepoobond: heh

Space Poop: the IMs just make me laugh

davepoobond: do you think it needs anything?

Space Poop: hmm

davepoobond: or is there something that can be improved or something

Space Poop: my brain is thinking

Space Poop: no

Space Poop: its good

Space Poop: you said it! you just said i’ve been Xed!

Space Poop: oh my gosh!

Space Poop: my friend said i would never talk to jamie kennedy

davepoobond: oh

davepoobond: you’ve been xed again

davepoobond: ha ha

Space Poop: stop it!

Space Poop: im gonna need to change my pants

davepoobond: and again and again

Space Poop: wee!

davepoobond: that kinda cancels out though

davepoobond: :-X

Space Poop: my fat self has to go get the pizza out of the oven

davepoobond: you should join the squackle bulletin board

davepoobond: yaa…

davepoobond: i gtg

Space Poop: ok

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10681: davepoobond -> Poison Ivy

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davepoobond: do you like Poison the band

Poison Ivy: no…it’s from the batman series

davepoobond: ohhhh

davepoobond: the one that gives everyone paralyzing poisons

davepoobond: and she’s green

Poison Ivy: it’s my nickname…yea

davepoobond: and all she does is sit on her flower

davepoobond: and tell vines to attack

Poison Ivy: yup…

Poison Ivy: tries to kill batman

davepoobond: that’s pretty sad. batman is the man

davepoobond: he’s got eyebrows on his mask

Poison Ivy: yea…..my ex bf nickname is batman

davepoobond: did he start going out with robin? is that why you broke up

davepoobond: hahaaaaaaaaa

davepoobond: hahaaaaaaaaa that was funny

Poison Ivy: lmao…nah

Poison Ivy: villans and good guys don’t

Poison Ivy: make for good couples

davepoobond: did he go with catwoman then?

davepoobond: that’s the whole basis of that show on WB

davepoobond: y’know

Poison Ivy: beforoe he went out wiuth me he did

Poison Ivy: we have a whole batman goup

davepoobond: ok that’s pretty sad

Poison Ivy: yea

davepoobond: who’s harley

Poison Ivy: my frined rai

davepoobond: does she wear clown makeup and a red tight jumper suit

Poison Ivy: no…for halloween she wanted to..she was the only one that
didn’ dress up

davepoobond: boob

Poison Ivy: ok?

davepoobond: boob poop dood qooq

Poison Ivy: ?

davepoobond: its the same letter but its in different positions yeahhh

Poison Ivy: oic

davepoobond: bpdq

Poison Ivy: wmwm

davepoobond: o0o0

Poison Ivy: hmmm

Poison Ivy: 6969696

davepoobond: l1

Poison Ivy: i can’t think of anymore

davepoobond: i win

davepoobond: hahaaa

Poison Ivy: hehe

Poison Ivy: damn

davepoobond: do you like pearl jam

Poison Ivy: nope

davepoobond: :-X

Poison Ivy: u like em?

davepoobond: yeah

Poison Ivy: cool

Poison Ivy: you liike evanescense ?

davepoobond: yeah

Poison Ivy: cool

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10680: davepoobond -> Beauluver

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davepoobond: hey bro

Beauluver: who is this?

davepoobond: death

Beauluver: okay

davepoobond: i’ve come for you

davepoobond: online

Beauluver: im not ur bro

Beauluver: okay ell bye

Beauluver: fuck off

davepoobond: WTF

davepoobond: U CANT DO THAT TO DEATH

davepoobond: YOU CAN JUST SAY FUCK OFF TO DEATH

Beauluver: bye n*gger!

davepoobond: WHEN YOUR TIME COMES IT COMES

davepoobond: AND RACIST BITCHES GO DOWN FASTER

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: good

Beauluver: bitch

Beauluver: who the fuck are you

davepoobond: i told you

Beauluver: u piece of shit person

davepoobond: DEATH

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: bye bitch

davepoobond: k bye cracker

–

I get warned to like 80%.

I warn her to 35%.

–

Beauluver: or im not all white

davepoobond: CRACKA CRACKA

Beauluver: fuck u

Beauluver: nigga

Beauluver: nigga

Beauluver: nigga

Beauluver: blacky

davepoobond: BURN CRACKA CRACKA

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: well who r u

davepoobond: jo mama

Beauluver: i fucking know ur not death

Beauluver: k well i guess its too bad that my momma is dead bitch

davepoobond: i told you i’m death

Beauluver: so what r u coming back from he;;

Beauluver: ll

davepoobond: my name is Dr. Dave

davepoobond: i have my own tv show

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: do u even fucking know me

davepoobond: i’ve been watching you from afar

Beauluver: k

davepoobond: admiring you

davepoobond: in your radiant beauty

Beauluver: r u watching me now

Beauluver: bitch

davepoobond: no

Beauluver: y not?

davepoobond: cause i’m talking to you now

davepoobond: i dont have 4 arms

Beauluver: k why dont you call me

davepoobond: ok

Beauluver: k neither do i

Beauluver: call me

Beauluver wants to directly connect.

Beauluver cancels request; no connection was made.

davepoobond: why do you wanna send me a image

Beauluver: are you black

davepoobond: no

Beauluver: then what are you

davepoobond: as white as mary’s lamb’s fleece

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: k

davepoobond: k

Beauluver: ashlie u r poopie

davepoobond: eipoop

davepoobond: har har

Beauluver: N*GGER

Beauluver: N*GGER

Beauluver: N*GGER

davepoobond: we’ve been through that already

Beauluver: I HATE N*GGERS

davepoobond: y

Beauluver: CUZ THERE SO BLACK

Beauluver: BYE

davepoobond: i’m not black

Beauluver: I DONT LIKE TALKING TO N*GGERS

Beauluver signed off at 6:40:11 PM.

–
5 minutes later…

–

Beauluver: NGGER

davepoobond:

Beauluver: N*GGER*

davepoobond:

Beauluver: OKAY

Beauluver:

Beauluver:

Beauluver:

Beauluver:

–

I sign onto a different screen name and IM him.

–

davepoobond: WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP!!!

davepoobond: BUILD ME UP

davepoobond: BUTTERCUP BABY

davepoobond: JUST TO LET ME DOWN

davepoobond: AND MESS ME AROUND AND WORST OF ALL

Beauluver: K

Beauluver: NIG

davepoobond: YOU NEVER CALL BABY WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL

davepoobond: I NEED YOU

davepoobond: MORE THAN ANYONE DARLING

–

He IMs me again on the original screen name.

–

Beauluver: SO WHATS UP

Beauluver: AS

davepoobond: wow really

Auto Response From Beauluver: brbLONG AS UR NOT BLACK THEN THATS FINE

Beauluver: no im lying

davepoobond: oh.

davepoobond: is it cause i called you a nut

Beauluver: u r stupid

Beauluver: no is it cuz u dont have n e

davepoobond: n e what

Beauluver: NUTD

Beauluver: Sn

Beauluver: NUTS*******

davepoobond: wow that was good

davepoobond: didnt see that coming

Beauluver: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.

davepoobond: didnt see that coming

Beauluver: i know

davepoobond: racist chicks make me hot, y’know

Beauluver: it sweapt u away

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: whats ur #?

davepoobond: 1-800-take-me-to-funky-town

Beauluver: ya know a a phone number oh wait being a n*gger like u probably dont have one

Beauluver: k i’ll call u

davepoobond: that doesn’t insult me cause i’m not black

Beauluver: k

Beauluver: if someone called me black i’d like murder them

davepoobond: have you heard of the civil rights movement

Beauluver: oh of course not

davepoobond: k just checking

davepoobond: cause i’m learning about that right now

davepoobond: in american history

davepoobond: yeah

Beauluver: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.

davepoobond: y’know, its a class, at school.

davepoobond: a prerequisite for college

Beauluver: k

davepoobond: do you watch hollywood squares?

davepoobond: you should probably update your profile

davepoobond: cause you say you dont hate anyone

davepoobond: do you watch basketball?

davepoobond: you’d probably implode if you did

davepoobond: i suggest staying away from espn too

davepoobond: do you listen to la bouche

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10679: davepoobond -> YoungProphecy189

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davepoobond: hey bro

YoungProphecy189: i dont know who this is

davepoobond: good

davepoobond: and that impacts me how

YoungProphecy189: how am i your bro if i dont know you

davepoobond: how are you my bro……if……..?

davepoobond: what does if mean?

davepoobond: you suck

YoungProphecy189: davepoobond (9:22:06 PM): hey bro

YoungProphecy189: how the fuck am i your bro

davepoobond: i ruv you

–

I get warned to 35%.

I warn him to 10%.

–

davepoobond: HA U LIKE THAT

YoungProphecy189: STOP BOTHERIN ME

Prank IMs, Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10678: davepoobond -> Trance N Dent

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davepoobond: is it true?

Auto response from Trance N Dent: Blit

Trance N Dent: is what true

davepoobond: that you like cinnamon and gay sex

Trance N Dent: yeah 🙁

davepoobond: that’s appaling

davepoobond: i’ll never forget those nights

davepoobond: i wonder if it was a dream

davepoobond: all night i was screaming

davepoobond: and baby when i get you back

davepoobond: i’ll show you what i’m made of

Trance N Dent: tru whos this?

Trance N Dent: obvious a kid ahaha

Trance N Dent: well I gotta get back to tha game

davepoobond: i wouldn’t be singing boys of summer to you if i were a kid

davepoobond: loser

Auto response from Trance N Dent: Blitday is friday everybody commin up my way trying grub on tha yayo niggas cant say no to this shit it hits like 2 ton brick.

Stupid IMs, Chat Logs

#10677: hat toss -> davepoobond

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This entry is part 4 of 4 in the series Who is "hat toss?"

hat toss: for flash movies do you gotta send the .fla file?

hat toss: to submit one

davepoobond: yeah if you want

hat toss: whats another option?

davepoobond: swf

hat toss: ok

hat toss: are you flash movies uploaded as swf?

davepoobond: yes…

hat toss: alright

hat toss: you put three periods at the end, i guess that means that was a no-brainer question :-\

hat toss: How did you pay for your dot com?

davepoobond: why do you care

hat toss: so i know if i paid for mine a decent way

hat toss: i used a money order

davepoobond: how much did you pay for yours

hat toss: like 5 or 6 bucks

davepoobond: that’s fine

hat toss: www.godaddy.com

hat toss: i REGISTERED it at go daddy, thats not my site

davepoobond: what’s your site then

hat toss: i wouldnt be caught dead registering a url like that

hat toss: that’s confidential, till i get billed

davepoobond: i thought you sent a money order

hat toss: (i dont like people looking at the who-is info)

hat toss: no

hat toss: online form

hat toss: did you use a credit card?

davepoobond: why do you care so much

davepoobond: if you pay for it you pay for it

hat toss: oh man

hat toss: that was good

hat toss: have you played ddr?

davepoobond: dungeons and dragons?

davepoobond: diddy kong racing?

hat toss: dance dance revolution, lol

davepoobond: no

hat toss: do you know what it is?

davepoobond: yes

hat toss: i was in a competition, but this FUCKEN asian dude went right before me and he was like… on fire and i just dropped out

davepoobond: too bad

davepoobond: you could’ve been the ddr king

hat toss: he was wearing some visor upside down and sideways with his right pant leg rolled up… you could clearly see that this kid meant business

hat toss: dont you think that’s pretty intimidating?

davepoobond: sure

hat toss: yeah, considering i wore a wife-beater and jeans

hat toss: whats a 6.9? a 69 interupted by a period

davepoobond: i’ve already got that joke on the site…

hat toss: hahaha, i crack myself up

hat toss: oh

hat toss: shit

hat toss: fuck

hat toss: dammit

hat toss: my bad

hat toss: do you accept racist jokes?

davepoobond: yeah

davepoobond: they’re jokes still

hat toss: ok, whats worse than a mexican and a burrito?

davepoobond: but i put it for both sides so it balances out

hat toss: oh, nevermind lol

hat toss: do you have “surenos” where you live?

davepoobond: no..

hat toss: they’re some mexican gang

hat toss: nobody likes them

hat toss: what about bloods and crips?

davepoobond: i dont know, i dont go out asking what kinds of gangs we’ve got here

hat toss: haha

hat toss: by ‘here’, what do you mean?

hat toss: san diego??? hmm hmm hmm

hat toss: santa cruz????????

hat toss: one of those damn s’s

davepoobond: yeah sure, santa cruz

hat toss: thats pretty groovy

hat toss: i live in a place that’s initials are S.F.

hat toss: it has a bridge…..

hat toss: take a guess

davepoobond: san franco?

hat toss: SO CLOSE!!!

davepoobond: san fuckerslivehere

hat toss: san francISCo

hat toss: you almost had it

hat toss: eh fuck, i’ll give you the plus points anyway

davepoobond: what city is that, i never heard of that place

hat toss: seems that either you or your sister went to alcatraz

davepoobond: since when

hat toss: since you put the story up

davepoobond: exactly, its a story

davepoobond: i didnt actually go

hat toss: oh man

hat toss: my life’s ruined

davepoobond: why do you care so much

hat toss: i dont actualy

davepoobond: surreee ya dont

hat toss: ok fine you got me there….

hat toss: did you take the ferry boat?

hat toss: it’s two story

davepoobond: i dont remember, i wrote it in 9th grade

hat toss: we had one of those last year, i talked about tryign to join a gang

davepoobond: great

hat toss: it wasnt really

hat toss: actualy, it was kinda funny

davepoobond: did they shoot you in the arm

hat toss: no, the heart

hat toss: i joined up with a mexican gang,like actualy got the beating and “acceptance” then about 15 minutes after the free weed, i was like “you do realize that i am not mexican, right?”

hat toss: then their eyes glowed red and they attacked me

hat toss: but it was still worth is

hat toss: it*

hat toss: why does the S and the T gotta be SO GOD DAMN CLOSE?!

hat toss: do you keep those stupid notes?

davepoobond: what?

hat toss: screwed up town

hat toss: the notes

davepoobond: no

hat toss: i see

hat toss: how did you think of that name….. Squackle

davepoobond: jo mama gave it to me

hat toss: how did she think of it?

hat toss: THAT BITCH!!!!!!!

hat toss: Donkmaster is a sell out. I’m gonna make a shrine in his sell out-ednessness honor, make comics about him and humiliate him. Its been about a year since he’s sold out.

hat toss: you never got aroudn to that

davepoobond: so what

hat toss: you should make Blow The Toad and donkmaster fight

hat toss: that would be great

davepoobond: i wouldn’t insult donkmaster like that

hat toss: ey??

hat toss: barqoa: to eat batteries with gratitude

hat toss: tappparv: to mean nothing

hat toss: there, two words just for you

Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles

The Laughing Monkey Girl

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This entry is part 4 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was a laughing monkey girl that visited work yesterday.

This monkey girl was making a weird high pitched sound that sounded like "EEE EEE EEEEEEEEE." It sounded like a squeaky wheel at first or something wrong with the escalator.

It was only later that I figured out that was her actual laugh!

Some asshole was making her laugh more, and the whole time i was like "where the fuck is that sound coming from??"

It was so annoying, you could hear it clear across the store. I thought she was dying, cause it made no sense to me how someone could be making that noise unintentionally.

I didn’t even see her until she walked past the Customer Service desk where I worked, and I just stared in awe at this weird short white girl with nasty long hair laughing with that high pitched noise with some gay dude hugging her as he was laughing.

I guess he was laughing at her laugh, which in turn made her laugh even more.

After they left, another worker from the other side of the store popped her head out from behind a rack of clothing, and looked towards me, asking "Did you HEAR that?? What WAS that???"

That was weird.