Tag Archives: The Retail Report

Quote #21137

This entry is part 16 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::davepoobond rings up a Scantron for a girl.  It comes out to 27 cents and she dumps her crap on the counter, digging through her huge purse trying to get change.::

Girl (in a seemingly joking manner): “Sorry, I’m so disorganized”

davepoobond: “Oh, it’s okay.  I charge five dollars for overnight parking.”

Girl (really angry all of a sudden): “I’M NOT GOING TO BE HERE THAT LONG!”

::Girl pays for her Scantron and leaves::

– at davepoobond’s job

Quote #20824: The Scary Bald Man Confrontation

This entry is part 15 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

This happened a long time ago, circa 2006 or 2007.

Cashier: What’s the return policy on books?

davepoobond: No returns.

Cashier: What if he just bought it?

davepoobond: I don’t know, you’d have to ask a book manager.

Scary Bald Man comes over and stares at davepoobond meanly and doesn’t even say anything.  davepoobond just looks at him with a blank stare.

Scary Bald Man looks away for a second, in which davepoobond looks at the receptionist at the desk with him with a “what the fuck” look, and the guy looks back, seeing davepoobond looking weirdly at the guy.  He resumes to stare davepoobond down for another second.  At which point, walking away, he takes a step back towards davepoobond.

Scary Bald Man: I just bought the book, it hasn’t left the store okay??  I just want a refund!

davepoobond (to himself): Sorry, what do you want me to do about it?  I can’t approve it.

For the next five minutes, the guy keeps staring at davepoobond until the cashier comes back.

davepoobond walks around uncomfortably.

davepoobond (mumbling to the receptionist): “Why is this guy still staring at me?”

Eventually he is dealt with and leaves the store.

Let It Go For 9 Cents

This entry is part 13 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Yesterday some douchebag wanted to buy a pencil and he only had like 95 cents.  I told him the pencil he was interested in buying was 1.08 with tax.  And he was all, “can’t I just bring the rest of the money later?”

I told him, “No, you’re about 9 cents short and I can’t let things out of the store without it being paid for.”

“Really?  9 Cents?  You won’t let it go for 9 cents?”

At first I thought he was being sarcastic/joking but then it became apparent he was actually pissed as he started shaking his head and cursing under his breath.

Like, what the fuck do you want me to do, asshole?  Short my register for your sorry “can’t afford 9 more cents” ass?  Or pull money out of my pocket for you?

Fuck you!  Fuckin’ asshole!

Postage Is (Not) 46 Cents!

This entry is part 12 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A couple days ago there was this girl who was very convinced that postage is 46 cents.  I tried to help her by saying it was 44 cents, and she only needed to use one stamp for a regular sized letter.

So, she came over to my register and told me she needed to buy two stamps.  I took out two 44 cent stamps and she paid for it.  She asked whether or not postage was 46 cents or 44.  I told her it was 44.

Then she came back and said she wanted to buy two 2-cent stamps.  I asked why she needed them and she said postage was 46 cents, not 44.  So, I asked her when it went up, cause I hadn’t heard of that happening, and she said “last year” and that she “looked it up on Google.”

She was getting angry because she thought I wasn’t going to sell her her 2-cent stamps.  I told her if she wanted to buy them she can, but she didn’t need to.  I even showed her on the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE web site how it is only 44 cents but she didn’t believe me still.  She said she was sending a lot of pictures, so I told her the web site would appraise a 4-ounce letter at around 80 cents, in that case.  So it still wouldn’t matter for buying the 2-cent stamps.

After she left, I looked it up on Google, and the first thing I saw was an article from July 2010 saying stamps MAY go up to 46 cents.  Nothing said it was CURRENTLY 46 cents, and everything had a question mark or some sort of speculative commentary about it.  You can see what she probably looked for at this link, but if postage does go up to 46 cents in the future, it’ll be filled with newer articles that don’t exhibit this point.

What a dumb bitch.  I was only trying to help her.

Hector’s Stupid Email

This entry is part 11 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Y’know, sometimes we get stupid e-mail.  And when I get stupid e-mail, I post it on my web site.  This came through the mailing list that is shared by my job, and it’s really not supposed to have stupid shit like this sent through it.

Sent by: “Hector B.”

Date: Wed, Feb 2, 2011 at 8:15 PM

Subject: Amazing News!!!!

If you are currently looking for a better job, better paying, more satisfying job, look no further!!! lol. Or if you just want to make extra income from home??? Please feel free to contact me. There is a huge event going down this saturday morning feb 5th. Please let me know. Best wishes. Thanks for your time.

On Feb 9, I sent this back to him:

“Dude don’t send this crap to me”

“Hector B.” sends this back:

sorry man.

Fuck you Hector B.  You are an amateur spammer and suck at it!  Now time for a random lol:  lol.  As a result, someone else replied to his spam message with another spam for some asshole tutor:

Date: Feb 11, 2011

Subject: In need of a tutor?

Hi guys,

I just wanted to recommend a tutor to anyone in need of help in any of the subjects or standardized tests( LSAT, MCAT) listed on the attachment. This tutor has helped me excel in so many of my classes and I just wanted to share the love.

Thanks so much for your time!

Fuck youuuuuuuu!!!!

Exigent Circumstances

This entry is part 10 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was this stoner guy that came to the store on Tuesday.  He had a rental book that was about a month and a half overdue, and he had said that he had come into the store earlier and talked to someone upstairs in the textbook department about returning the rental book, but they had to talk to us at Customer Service before being able to.

The reason being, there is a late fee/replacement price associated with any late rental books.  And, being a month and a half overdue, this fucker thought he’d be able to just return a water-damaged book three weeks into the next semester without having to pay anything.

The reasoning behind his being late was he had “exigent circumstances” that prevented him from completing the class on time.  Okay, fine.  He brought his teacher with him to vouch for him, as well.  Oh, great.

So, I went upstairs to ask a book manager and to see what they could do for the guy, which I knew wouldn’t be much.  When she came down to talk to him, the guy was a complete idiot and kept saying how he had exigent circumstances and he “had a baby” and can’t be throwing around sixteen dollars here and there.

The manager had come to a middle ground and said that we would only charge him the late fee, which was the rental fee again at 14 dollars.  The guy didn’t understand why he had to pay a late fee for something he has in his hand and was trying to return to us.  She also offered if he had bought the book at the replacement price of 16 dollars, we would buy back the book at 5 dollars, so he’d actually be saving 3 dollars if he had done so.

He wouldn’t have it.  He didn’t want to pay a dime.  This stupid mother fucker had his school records on hold and couldn’t change or drop any of his classes or get any school services that he might need done because of 15 dollars.  He didn’t understand why we charged late fees and didn’t agree that he should pay them.  But he still signed the agreement to the terms, and it was his fault he didn’t read it.

So he started throwing around accusations like “you guys are nickel and dime-ing students” and he had “just bought a $150 book” and now had to “buy another $15 book.”  So the book manager had made the argument that that we had lost out on the money the bookstore could have made off that book, which is why we charge the late fee/replacement price, and that it was already three weeks into the semester and we will probably lose out on the opportunity to sell that book to another student.

Then he said, “How are you so sure that all the students have gotten their books already,” and the book manager said we didn’t, but most have already gotten their books so the likelihood of it being sold was minimal.  Then he said “well, *I* didn’t get my books,” in a “ah-ha I got you” kind of tone.  The book manager said “I’m not going to get into a nit-picky fight with you…” etc etc.

So at the end of it, the guy ended up NOT paying and he left with a hold still on his school records.  And the whole time, the faculty member he coerced into bringing with him was nodding her head agreeing with everyone.  She was probably oblivious to everything that was happening, and I don’t know why she was wasting her time at 7 pm to come with this guy to try and get him off on any late fees.

Fuckin’ asshole comes right before the store closes too.  What a great time to come.

The Band-Aid Bandit

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was this complete spaz that came in last week on Tuesday.

This guy was very, VERY concerned that he might have taken a band-aid accidentally and didn’t pay for it.  The conversation went something like this:

Spaz: “Uhhh hi, I was wondering if there is a way to see if I had accidentally taken something.  I don’t know if I did or not cause I bought a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids.  Would there be anyway to see if I did?”

dave: “Ummm…do you have a receipt?  That would be the only for-sure way I can tell you if you paid for something or not.”

At this point, I’m not sure if his concern is that he didn’t pay for it or that he was charged for something he didn’t want.

Spaz: “Uhh, a receipt?  Uhh ahhh uhhh no.  I don’t have a receipt.  But I think I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids and I already opened a package and I used one but I don’t know if I took it and I was wondering if there was a way to check for that.”

dave: “Well, again, the only way I can tell for sure or not is whether or not you have your receipt.  I can tell you for sure what you got charged for if you have one.”

Spaz: “OH, uhhh a receipt, I don’t have that.”

So, after a few seconds of him not really saying anything else…

dave: “Umm…well, let me ask my manager for you to see if there’s anything we can figure out.”

At this point I’m dumbfounded that he’s making such a big deal about this.  I have nothing else that I can come up with to say to him, so I asked my manager and told him the situation, that he thinks he might have taken something accidentally or whatever.  My manager said it would take a lot of leg work to figure out if he took anything, and as long as it was an honest mistake, we would excuse it, so I went back to the Spaz and told him…

dave: “I talked to my manager and he said it was okay, you don’t have to worry about it.  Thank you for your honesty, but you don’t have to worry about it.”

Spaz: “Oh, really?  I don’t have to worry about it…?  But I might have taken something without paying for it, you guys aren’t going to do anything about it?  It might have been glue or a pencil or something, I don’t know what I might have taken, are you sure it’s ok?”

So, at this point I’m perplexed as to why he isn’t even sure about what he might have taken anymore.

dave: “Umm, well, like I said.  My manager said it was okay, and you don’t have to worry about it.  Going forward, just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store, and there won’t be a problem.”

Spaz: “OH, but I didn’t pay for something and I don’t know if I took it or not”

dave: “Like I said, it’s ok.  It’s really not possible for us to check something like that, and we’re going to excuse it this time.  Just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store in the future.”

Spaz: “Umm..ok.”

So, he finally leaves.

Then.  He comes back.  And says the same stuff again, to which I explain to him again.  Then he leaves.  Then he comes back again.  Then I tell him the same stuff.  Then he leaves.  He leaves and comes back consistently over 20 minutes.

He’s wasting my god damned time at this point.  So, I get really frustrated and say “I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE, I’M GOING ON LUNCH.”

So, I go on lunch.  I come back only to hear that the guy comes back TWO MORE TIMES, and talks to my co-worker, who said he said the exact same thing I told him again.  But the second time, he came back with a notebook and wrote down exactly what my co-worker had said.  He didn’t appear for the rest of the day.

I didn’t work in the store on Wednesday, but I came back on Thursday at around 12.  I heard that “my friend” had came back from my manager and I was like “what friend?”  My manager said the guy that came a couple days ago saying he might have taken a band-aid.  I was like “Oh, great.”

Not even five minutes after he told me he was in the store, the guy came back and I was there to talk to him.

Spaz: “Uh, hi.  Do you remember what we were talking about last week or a while ago?”

Note that it wasn’t last week, it was Tuesday, the day before yesterday that he had come in.

dave: “Uh.  Maybe.”

Spaz: “Well, ok, well, I think I might have taken something I hadn’t paid for, like band-aids or glue or pens or something, and I don’t know if I paid for it, is there a way you can check that?”

This fucking guy.

dave: “Like I said before.  It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”

Spaz: “Don’t worry about it?  What if it was something expensive?”

Ok, so NOW he’s getting on my nerves AND is acting suspicious as fuck.

dave: “Well, did you take anything expensive?”

Spaz: “No, I don’t know what I took, I think it’s in my notebook and my notebook is messy.”

dave: “Ok, well let’s do this then.  Get your notebook in order.  Then figure out what you might have taken out of the bookstore.”

Spaz: “Ok, oh but uh my notebook isn’t here.  But even if its expensive, you guys aren’t going to do anything?”

dave: “Ok, like I said, don’t worry about it, you can go.”

At this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I kept saying it was okay, and I actually told him to leave.  He finally left.  But then he came back to look at a folder or something, and then left.

After that, I told my manager what he had said and we both became suspicious of him, so I called our security and told them to keep an eye on that guy.

I basically came to the conclusion that the guy did steal something but he was using this ruse and us saying it’s “okay” as a justification for stealing whatever he had stolen OR stealing whatever he was planning on stealing.

He would just not drop it, and would not leave.  He’s been stewing on this for at least 3 days’ worth of time, and its so obvious this guy has some weird mental problem.

Today Is Stupid Day

This entry is part 8 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Its official, today is Stupid Day. Here’s another customer story that just happened.

A bizarre lady called and asked if we rented out caps and gowns for her Masters graduation, and I told her no, we don’t, you have to buy them. She also volunteered to tell me that she was with the History department, like I could give a fuck about that in the first place.

So she proceeded to say this to me:

"I have to BUY my graduation robe? Well, I guess I’m not graduating then." And then hung up.

What the fuck is with these people today??

I also heard that another customer argued with a manager for a half and hour about returning a pen or pencil he bought a month ago (with no receipt to show, as well). And then there was ANOTHER lady who called us and asked us how to put her Masters Hood on, and she was a retard because when we tried to tell her what to do, she didn’t even do it right.

The Petition Bitch

This entry is part 7 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady petitioning against the Cal State University budget cuts came into the store and solicited us to sign her stupid petition. I don’t sign anything so I said no, and no for all the people around me.

So then the bitch went deeper into the store and asked more customers to sign it. Which is not allowed, since we do not allow solicitors inside the store, no matter what their cause. Ironically, she was having an off-duty Community Service Officer (basically a junior cop and security guard for the store) sign the petition.

I called the on-duty CSOs in the camera room and told them about the Petition Bitch and tell her that she can’t be inside the store doing that shit. So, the guy came out and told her to leave.

During that time, the off-duty CSO came over to the Customer Service desk where I worked and told me that he signed the petition, and as the Petition Bitch was leaving she asked him to sign the petition again AFTER she was told she couldn’t do that in the store, not to mention she already got him to sign it.

What a bitch.

Quote #11020: What flavor is That? Red.

This entry is part 6 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So a guy wanted to buy a slushy, and I asked him what flavor it was so I could ring it up.

davepoobond: “What flavor is that?”

Slushy Guy: “Strawberry, Idon’tknowrarerr….RED.”

davepoobond: “Red?”

Slushy Guy: “Yeahhhh, I don’t knoww”

So I rang him up for a red-flavored slushy. The End.

Can I Take These Now and Pay Later?

This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A weird lady came by the Customer Service desk holding a cassette tape and some other electronic thing in her hand.

She said "I lost my wallet, so I was wondering if it was okay if I could take these now and pay for them later."
As she was about to explain more of her reasoning, I cut her off and said "No."

She said "Oh okay, I understand," and walked away.

Fucking weirdo.

The Laughing Monkey Girl

This entry is part 4 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was a laughing monkey girl that visited work yesterday.

This monkey girl was making a weird high pitched sound that sounded like "EEE EEE EEEEEEEEE." It sounded like a squeaky wheel at first or something wrong with the escalator.

It was only later that I figured out that was her actual laugh!

Some asshole was making her laugh more, and the whole time i was like "where the fuck is that sound coming from??"

It was so annoying, you could hear it clear across the store. I thought she was dying, cause it made no sense to me how someone could be making that noise unintentionally.

I didn’t even see her until she walked past the Customer Service desk where I worked, and I just stared in awe at this weird short white girl with nasty long hair laughing with that high pitched noise with some gay dude hugging her as he was laughing.

I guess he was laughing at her laugh, which in turn made her laugh even more.

After they left, another worker from the other side of the store popped her head out from behind a rack of clothing, and looked towards me, asking "Did you HEAR that?? What WAS that???"

That was weird.

Sunday is a Great Day for Unmitigated Bargaining

This entry is part 3 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was some stupid lady customer at work today.

She got a package of books that was 124.90 or somethin, and said that it was supposed to be like 90 something. So she brought down the book she bought along with another package that encased similar books (but not the exact same books) that was "in the same stack."

She has already bought the more expensive package and wanted a price adjustment to make the more expensive one into the lower-priced one.

I could tell right away when I looked at both of the packages, I told her, "these are different books."

She wouldn’t have it. She was stubborn in that she should still get a price adjustment, since the shelf tag said that the book she bought was supposed to be lower than what she paid.

To make matters worse, one of the textbook reps said it was okay to do the price adjustment. They probably didn’t notice that there were different books in the packages.

It just so happened that the book manager was there, so she asked what was happening, just as I was about to call her. After explaining the situation again, the customer went off on the manager saying "well, they said I could do it upstairs!" to which the book manager said "I don’t know why they did that, since *I* am the manager."

To explain the situation more plainly, the customer wanted to buy a completely different package of books priced at its own price for a completely different package of books priced lower than the one she bought, seemingly regardless of which package she actually needed.

Eventually the customer accused us of price fraud because we charged her more than the "advertised price" and wouldn’t adjust the price, saying "OH OK SO ITS MY FAULT THAT THEY PLACED BOOKS IN THE WRONG STACK."

She eventually stormed off after accusing us after accusing us of price fraud like 3 times, but wouldn’t even go with the book manager to look at the prices for the books. The shelf tags say right on them which ISBN is at which price, as well.

Not to mention it was painfully obvious that the included books were different from each other, she obviously didn’t even know which one she actually needed since she thought both packages were the same.

I Was Detained Today

This entry is part 2 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

The alarm went off at work today, and the store wasn’t open, it was just the people in the warehouse, where I was working…and at that exact moment the police were coming through the door to see what was happening (they apparently didn’t know we were there), i was getting a drink of water, and its right next to the door.

So the cops see me and they’re like “hold it!”

I look up and i’m like “uhh? whoa!” and one of them had a gun out, too. I was basically alone, and then they’re all like “put your hands up! turn around!”

“Put your hands behind your head!”

They walked up and then held my hands firmly, told me to spread my legs, and then spread them further. They checked me for any weapons, and had me lean forward with my stomach out as they were checking my pants for a couple minutes.

They asked if I had any weapons and I was like “no, I have a cell phone in my left pocket, keys in my right and wallet in the back pocket.”

So while they checked they asked “what are you doing here?”

I said “I’m I’m I’m working.” He asked if there was anyone else, and I said yeah, they’re upstairs in the warehouse.

He asked what we were doing and I said the warehouse was getting books ready to go out on the shelves, and I was doing web orders. After that they put me into custody, put cuffs on me and sat me down on a table that was there.

One of the cops stayed with me until the other went upstairs and saw what was going on.

Someone told me that what the cop asked upstairs was if anyone was supposed to be downstairs and then the manager was all “no” and then the cop asked if he was missing anyone. The manager figured out it was me that was missing and described him to the one that was upstairs, and confirmed it was me downstairs.

In the meantime I told the cop that was with me I was getting a drink of water from the fountain since that’s the only one in the store. They eventually let me out of cuffs and took me upstairs to have the manager confirm it was me. I told him I was just getting some water downstairs.

Turned out another warehouse worker had tripped off the alarm accidentally, and I had just been right where the cops were exactly when they came in through the doors.

Well, that was fun.

Quote #20805: Stupid Story About Scantrons

This entry is part 14 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::Lady comes over to davepoobond’s register::

Lady: You can do returns here, right?

davepoobond: Sure.

Lady: Ok, well I want to return these 2 Scantrons and buy the folder.

davepoobond: Do you have a receipt?

Lady: No…

davepoobond: Sorry, I need one to do it, its so easy to just pick them up off the shelve and just —

Lady: Oh no, I PAID for those… I had them for a long time.

davepoobond: I know, but I still need a receipt.

Lady: Ok, fine, I’ll just have to talk to a manager about it then, just that one up.

davepoobond: 74 cents.


So the fucking lady gets upset over the 40 cents for Scantrons she didn’t get money back for, and goes over to the Customer Service desk.  It’ll be hilarious if I lose my job over something like that.

Why does someone ever want to return things like that without a receipt?  Its fucking 75 cents for the God damn folder, and keep the Scantrons, you dumbass, they’re only 40 cents.  You probably have more change in that fucking purse than you’ll ever use, what good is more gonna do?