Jokes

Joke #18398

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I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”

Jokes

Joke #18397

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A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road.  After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”

“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.

“Well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”

“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”

“What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.

“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”

(C) Misogyny Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18396

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I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Jokes, (C) Misandry Jokes

Joke #18395

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I’m a young guy who hates to cook. She’s a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course, I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn’t even know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name.

“No,” she said. “I remember you.”

Now I was on cloud nine. But I quickly fell back to Earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, “Cheeseburger, Med.–Fries–Large Coke, for nerdy guy with bad haircut.”

(C) Religious Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18394

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An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.

“Not bad,” said the priest, “but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”

“What on earth is that?” asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

“Nuns with scissors.”

Lists

Banana Math

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You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

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Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter).  Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.

Jokes

Joke #18392

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

Jokes

Joke #18390

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Jim Tapree was a noted Iowa agricultural scientist who spent time developing a husked species of a vegetable that would be hearty enough to grow in the weather found around 23 degrees S latitude.

Seeds were planted and the growing was monitored by Tapree and the locals who were all excited about the possibility of having a vegetable that would withstand the elements and the insects. When it was time to harvest the local newspaper praised the scientist and the vegetable and hailed it as the…

“Crop Pick of Tapree Corn.”