A bad pun is like watching two old people having sex. You never asked for it, but later on, you can’t get it out of your head.
Joke #21221
We made fun of squares in high school, but don’t you think it’s funny how that comes full circle on you?
Joke #21220
When those plantation slaves revolted from their masters, they had guts. Literally, they had some cotton balls.
Joke #21219
Q: Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?
A: Well, he didn’t.
Joke #21218
I cheated on my normal soap with a bar of Zest. I had to come clean.
Joke #21217
Q: How many Polish people does it take to make an apple turnover?
A: Two. One to buy an apple turnover, and one to pretend he’s offended that this joke is directed towards Polish people.
Joke #21216
Tom Brokaw took off his pants and gave us a news flash.
Joke #21215
Neil Young’s old.
Joke #21214: Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day
Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)
(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:
Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.
Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!
Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!
Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?
Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?
Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.
Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?
Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)
Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.
–
Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.
Voice: Psst. Kid.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?
Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…
Voice: Come into the alley.
(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)
Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.
Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.
Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.
Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?
Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day
Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!
Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.
Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?
Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?
Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.
Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.
Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.
Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!
–
Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)
Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.
(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)
The Attractive Mother-In-Law Temptation
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. So before I got married and committed life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
So, she said, “I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.” I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!
Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
If bathroom graffiti were written in such a way that it was “intellectual” you might see stuff like this…
–
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors.
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background.
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos.
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister.
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best.
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me.
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust.
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You.
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere.
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions.
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant.
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother.
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555.
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment.
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate.
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under “Whore.”
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual.
Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock.
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome.
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Quote #21210
“Let’s hope Dr. Heimlich is a Pistons fan, because they keep choking in the Eastern Conference Finals.”
– Matt Sussman
Forever Repressed: Zero Fluid Motions
Speed Racer: What a crappy day. I think I’ll go back inside. (Walks inside.)
Mr. Game & Watch: Hey bud, you’re walking like me.
Speed Racer: So?
Mr. Game & Watch: That’s my bit! That’s how I walk in Super Smash Bros. Melee!
(Mr. Game & Watch hits the B Button and flips bacon in Speed Racer’s face)
Speed Racer: Ouch! That’s greasy!
(Speed Racer gets in his Mach 5 car)
Speed Racer: IT’S ON!
(Meanwhile, in Hell…)
One-legged Squirrel: Another play with a car? I’ll sit this one out.
Satan: Hey, I’m not slave-driving you to talk.
(Meanwhile, back in the unspecified setting…)
Mr. Game & Watch: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!
(Mr. Game & Watch turns red by hitting the Y button before the match.)
John Tesh: This calls for some quality fightin’ music. You two just get it on, and I’ll take care of the tunes.
(Speed Racer and Mr. Game & Watch stare one another down.)
Speed Racer: Are you ready?
Mr. Game & Watch: Let’s get this over with.
(Speed Racer runs over John Tesh. Mr. Game & Watch makes John Tesh fly off the screen with his smash hammer [B Button].)
Speed Racer: That felt good. Now, I must leave. I have a race.
Mr. Game & Watch: And I’m a guest on Carson Daly’s show.
Joke #21208
Q: What do you get when you mix a crucifix and a dresser?
A: A cross dresser.