The 8 Year Old’s Dream

When he was 8 years old, he started being a famous archaeologist.  For this, tonight he dreamed that he was making a large trip with my girlfriend.  In his dream, Susana and he explored mysterious things in the jungle.  They navigated by canoe and admired the parrots of many colors.

One day, Susana got dirty because he said she saw a snake try to capture a rat.  He said to her that the snake isn’t dangerous and they went to the camp very fast.

At the end, they saw a magnificent temple that had dirt and some trees around the floor.  They found a secret door and when we entered, they discovered a large treasure of objects of gold and silver.  They started to take them whent hey remembered we didn’t have a bakcpack.

Then we left without the treasure, at this moment he woke up.

 

School Days

Things were different when I went to school.  First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us.  We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition.  We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa.  Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.

In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead.  Some people got sick and did it when we did this.  Sometimes we would have a bathroom show.  Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom.  The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.

 

Joke #18654

An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to show a class at the local community college. A young brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten by a poisonous snake.

He said “Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me right here”, and he showed the scar on his arm where the snake had sunk it’s fangs.

She looked at the man in awe and asked, “And you lived!?”

He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said “You’re really a blonde, aren’t you?”

 

Joke #18604

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

 

FAQ About Australia

These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Joke #18433

It’s that time of the year — the days are getting longer and the weather’s warming up. That means only one thing: time to call in sick.

Here are some actual, road-tested excuses collected in a survey from the job site careerbuilder.com

* I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
* I hurt myself bowling.
* I was spit on by a venomous snake.
* I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
* My monkey died.

 

Joke #18397

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road.  After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”

“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.

“Well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”

“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”

“What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.

“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”

 

Joke #18166

Upon returning from a field trip to the zoo, the principal asked Miss Dickinson how she enjoyed the outing.

“Oh, it was horrible,” said Miss Dickinson.  “The snakes stuck their tongues out and the monkeys kept making faces.”

“Well, you know what they say,” replied the principal.  “Boas will be boas, and gorillas will be gorillas.”