The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo

One day there was a polar bear.  He had issues.  He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened.  His mom wasn’t that much better.  Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.

When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California.  He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs.  A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly.  It was a windy day.

It was the worst of times.  It was the best of times.  The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them.  He was soooo cool.  That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore.  His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money.  Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are.  He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.

Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together.  They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot.  Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together!  That’s crazy!  Right?!?!  I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!

So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey.  She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God.  How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.

The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves.  She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly!  The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.

The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen.  He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process.  He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska.  He wasn’t even USING them for the school!  He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit.  Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense.  This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.

President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi.  He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses.  He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them.  Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card.  Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there.  This man was as rude as they came.  How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.

President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business.  He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had.  He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans.  Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.

After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on.  He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet.  His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.

“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…”  The President said in between farts.

The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.

“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”

The President got up and put his towel back on.  He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.

“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”

An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly.  Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.

President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.

The next day…

“Have you seen my mommy??”  Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.

“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.

President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly.  It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.

Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.

Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come.  She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.

As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come.  Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!

Moral:  Don’t take more than you need.

 

Squacklecast Episode 2 – “We Planned This Out”

This entry is part 2 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

Hello again, faithful Squacklers!  This week we talk about more random movies with the second episode of the Squacklecast — “We Planned This Out.”  Davepoobond and Solid Billy take on the pressing questions of our times, like “Why does Jean Claude Van Damme play the same character in Kickboxer and Bloodsport?” and realizing that Sean Bean is actually a lazy actor because he dies in practically all his movies so he doesn’t have to act anymore!

The Schticky Commercial:

Vince Offer was arrested for an altercation with a prostitute.

And here’s his mugshot!

Vince Offer should just get a lavalier mic.  But he insists on using his stupid headset.

The Shamwow Spanish commercial:

The SlapChop!

The Better Marriage Blanket

American Reunion is coming out.

American Pie: The Naked Mile was pretty dumb.

Shannon Elizabeth could carry a movie by herself as a stereotypical foreigner.

End of Days is probably better than Collateral Damage.

John Leguizamo’s List of Victims

There was a lot of innuendo in Home Alone 2.

Training Day is a lot more like Home Alone 2 than you might care to realize…

Home Alone 3 was also a travesty.

There were only two black guys in Glory, a movie about a black-american regiment in the Civil War.

Dr. Who should reunite all the James Bonds in a “reunion” movie.

Little Man should be re-released in 3D.

Song of the South should be released in 3D, too.  But its in the Disney Vault’s Secret Chamber, never to be seen again.

Bloodsport vs. Kickboxer – more like red haired guy vs. black guy with a machine gun!

Sean Bean dies in all the movies he’s in:

Someone getting hurt or killed during a robbery should be a given, shouldn’t it?

Ca$h is the movie where Sean Bean dies twice.

Thanks for tuning in!  Next time we’ll be live at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.

 

Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

 

The Attractive Mother-In-Law Temptation

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. So before I got married and committed life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

So, she said, “I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.” I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!

 

Joke #21206: Soy Toy

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

 

Joke #21201: Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage (From a Man’s Perspective)

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

 

Joke #21017: Tee For 2

A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night.  They decide to have an all nighter.

In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence.  He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass.  The woman does it, but is confused.

When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”

The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”

 

Love Scene

To be performed by Chelsea and Matt.

GIRL:  Before I go inside, I want to thank you for a sexy evening.  I’ve really had a busty time.

BOY:  I’ll bet you tel that to all the butts.

GIRL:  You’d better go now before my sink hears you and wakes up.  He’s a very crazy sleeper.

BOY:  I don’t care.  Darling, I love you more than fart itself.  Let me take you away from this terrible light bulb.

GIRL:  You’re staring.  I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last whore on earth

BOY: But darling, you’re breaking my butt.  I love you.  Please marry me and be my henchwoman.

GIRL:  I’m sorry, but I’m already engaged to Bill Clinton.

 

Joke #18745

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

“You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”

“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.”

 

Joke #18695

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”