Tag Archives: marriage

Jokes

What NOT to Put on a Resume

February 21, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:

– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

– I am a rabid typist.

– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

– Qualifications: No education or experience.

– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Joke #18635

February 21, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring for decorum’s sake.

One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, “Is there any insanity in your family?”

“Why, no,” she said. “Why do you ask?”

“I was merely wondering,” said he, “why you haven’t taken your hat off since we’ve been married?”

Jokes, (C) Misogyny Jokes

Joke #18495

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,” my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”

“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”

Joke #18483

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.

“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.

Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”

Joke #18432

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

“Do you remember first meeting your wife?”

“Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I’d never allow her near the gutter again.”

“Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.”

“Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.”

Joke #18415

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”

Joke #18411

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

“Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,” I observed casually. “A person has no idea what he’s getting until it’s too late.”

“I know,” he replied. “I’ve had three cantaloupes.”

Jokes

Joke #18408

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”

(F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18238

February 19, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Q: How did the warlock take his bride on their honeymoon?

A: On his groomstick.

Joke #18076

February 16, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.

“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.”