My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”
Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”
A millionaire who’d been bad all of his life was nearing the end of his time on earth and wanted to wipe the slate clean. To make amends for his evil ways, he donated a lot of money to a local church and had a meeting with the minister to discuss the possibility of getting into heaven.
Since the man had spent most of his life being evil, the minister couldn’t really assure him he’d get into heaven, but he didn’t want to disappoint the man and lose a big contributor. Being diplomatic, the minister sized up the millionaire’s chances like this:
“Mr. Smith, when it comes to riding on the heavenly railroad, think of yourself as a standby passenger.”
The minister looked at his congregation and said, “Brothers and sisters, today my sermon will be about liars. I refer to Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five. How many of you are familiar with it?”
As the minister looked around, half of the people before him raised their hands. “You are the people I want to address my sermon to,” announced the minister. “There is no Matthew, chapter thirty, verse five.”
MURDERER: “What are my chances of going to heaven?”
MINISTER: “Let me put it this way. if I were you, I’d wear Bermuda shorts to my funeral.”