Quote #23819

“During the last two hundred years, Americans have broadened the right to be an ass by eliminating barriers based on ass belief, ass ownership, ass payment, race, sex, and ass.  At the same time, the ass government has assumed a greater role in deciding who can vote and how elections should be run.”

– davepoobond

 

Grand Theft Auto V (PS3) Review

Developer: Rockstar North | Publisher: Rockstar Games || Overall: 9.5/10

For me, a Grand Theft Auto game is like one of those mini-milestones in my life; I get to experience something fantastic, funny, and overall extremely entertaining.  I’ve bought each of the mainline GTA games during the first week of release, and have thoroughly enjoyed each of them.  I still have yet to complete any of the games on PlayStation 2, and I still need to buy Vice City Stories, but I can pretty much say that GTA is a big part of what makes gaming so enjoyable to me.

So, does Grand Theft Auto V continue to be the torchbearer that has been such a motivator for me to stick with gaming as a whole?  The answer is yes, but the answer is also no, in some regards.  Grand Theft Auto is a lot of things to a lot of people — a social scapegoat, a cool game to fuck around endlessly in, and most of all an offensive and satirical look at America and what it means to be an American.

Grand Theft Auto V breaks the mold of its predecessors by allowing you to play as three different characters.  Each character has their own individual stories and some missions that overlap with each other.  The missions culminate at certain points of the story where you will do “Heists.”  Heists can essentially be looked at as the major challenge or “boss” of that point of the game. Heists themselves are very dynamic story missions that allow you to switch characters based on what sort of preference you have.  At times you’ll also be forced to change characters to progress the mission.  There are several occasions where a character has to drive 5 miles to a certain location, but during “their drive” you can switch to another character who is currently in the middle of another objective that is occurring.  After completing the Heist, all three characters have their own missions opened up again.

Each of the three characters draw parallels to previous characters in the series, with the character Trevor, who is a drug dealing crime entrepreneur being the most unique as far as the series-as-a-whole goes.  All three characters, and their motion capture/voice work actors, do an amazing job in conveying the story and making it enjoyable.  First and foremost, the story of Grand Theft Auto V is a character story.  There is very little strength in an overall arcing story, as it never really comes to a head, but the real joy of the story is the interactions between the characters and the way they live their lives and the things that go on around them.  The main storyline revolves around the government and government corruption, but is never fully realized in its potential.  My feeling is that there will be expansions, a la GTA IV’s expansions, where each character may be the sole focus to fully flesh out the remaining questions that each individual’s story sort of left open ended even as the credits rolled and after.

As a result, the story sort of just drops off at the end and you’re left with questions for each of the individual character’s stories without any real indication that they will be answered or even if the inevitable expansions are even going to focus on the main protagonists of the GTA V.  A lot of the plot points of in the characters’ personal stories make you question why they bothered having them when there was no real pay off.  A wait-and-see approach for the expansion plans is sort of unnerving, but if it pans out the way I hope it does then it may not be that bad.

The game play has been universally improved from GTA IV.  Combat is a lot more fun and refined.  The addition of the weapon wheel allows for switching guns in a more efficient manner.  Many of the same features you expect in a GTA game are present, and have been refined as well.  Being able to customize cars permanently is a welcome addition for the single player mode.  Speaking on cars, your characters all have their own “personal vehicles” that you will undoubtedly drive more often than not.  This is a vast change from previous games where you would always just steal a car to get around the city.  Now that you have your “own” personal vehicle you can always rely on using that car.  I actually preferred to use the personal cars to give the feeling of consistency for the story.  The cars are also unique, so you can tell when another character is driving it or is parked somewhere waiting for you to start a mission.

During a lot of the missions there are opportunities to catch references to action movies in a way that is an homage to Hollywood and Los Angeles.  There are plenty of hilarious scenes and subtleties that make this Grand Theft Auto leagues ahead of any before it, while still harkening back to them.  Most notably is GTA: San Andreas, as you encounter gangs that existed in that game as well as visiting CJ’s home neighborhood — you will instantly recognize it and there is even a mission where you will have a shootout through the whole neighborhood.  You will also be able to walk into a lot of different buildings during your missions — one such being the LifeInvader offices where there are a lot of Facebook-related jokes and scenes to be had.

Missions are split out into separate categories — “Missions” and “Strangers and Freaks.”   During the series there has always been those “off-storyline” missions that came around that didn’t have much to do with anything.  In Grand Theft Auto IV, they added “strangers” that you could meet on the street and talk to them for a little while or even do a mission for them.  The Strangers and Freaks missions in Grand Theft Auto V allowed Rockstar to combine both of those aspects and let themselves go really crazy with designing missions.  Shooting aliens after smoking weed, kidnapping a movie star for two old British tourists, and skydiving out of a helicopter into the city are only some of the things that you can do in tandem with the main storyline.  Another welcomed feature is the ability to replay all of the missions you find and refine your score on them so you can earn trophies.

With Grand Theft Auto V, you can tell that even though the game is goofy at times, they have made it a point to make the game act much more “realistic.”  The way people walk and run, physics that are toned down, and the serious storyline are all honed in on this goal of becoming a “realistic” game.  A major casualty of this appears to be the loss of many of the more “traditional game” elements that we have seen in the Grand Theft Auto series, namely Vigilante, Ambulance, and Firetruck side missions.  Vigilante has been seemingly replaced with “random events” that you will stumble upon as you are driving through the city.  During these random events, people will get their property stolen or police will be in a shootout with the criminals and you can either step in or let them go.  While they are nice as an addition, I think I would have gotten at least a couple of more hours of enjoyment from being able to hunt down a list of bounties or have the game generate a group of criminals for me to take down, like in GTA IV.  It is unfortunate because GTA V’s combat system is A LOT OF FUN, and I wish I could just have more combat outside of missions.  Being able to access the internet on your phone is also very convenient, but it seems like there are a lot less web sites to find this time around.  Watching TV is also not as convenient because there is no “full screen” mode and the volume never seems to be able to be turned up loud enough where I can comfortably hear what is going on.

The graphics in the game are very impressive.  Really awe-inspiring, however, is how big the game’s map is and how accurate it is to Los Angeles and the surrounding area in California recreated as Los Santos, Sandy Shores, and Blaine County.  Being from the LA area, I felt right “at home,” and the lighting in the game makes it that much more authentic.  The wilderness and desert areas are much more fleshed out compared to how they looked like in GTA: San Andreas.  You can even hunt in the wilderness.  While GTA V is a “revisiting” of San Andreas, the lack of San Fierro and Las Venturas can sort of irk you if you are a stickler for the “lore” of Grand Theft Auto.  As a result of having the game be more focused on Los Santos itself, we got a much more detailed and expansive city.  The radio stations are also pretty good and varied.  There are some great tracks, but since nothing can ever live up to GTA: Vice City, we’ll just have to say it’s about as good as it can be.

A part of the experience to note is that ever since the Hot Coffee controversy became a big deal with GTA: San Andreas, Rockstar started becoming more and more daring with what actual sex content they choose to depict.  While GTA IV poked fun at themselves by saying “hey wanna have some HOT COFFEE” and then had a lot of groaning noises saying how good the coffee is, in GTA V they literally have people having sex in plain view as part of missions — not something that is really optional like dating.  And I don’t think anyone even gave a fuck (pun!) about it this time around!  I was laughing my ass off when I saw one of the “movie stars” getting pounded doggie style as you take pictures of her, which resulted in her chasing after you in her convertible trying to kill you.  GTA V can just be a lot of fun.  You can also call random characters up to “hang out” with them and play mini-games, but as opposed to GTA IV, you aren’t forced to maintain any relationships and as a result there doesn’t seem to be any benefits from them now.

Playing the game for about 50 hours, I can say that GTA V is the best game of the series.  Growing and changing as a gamer since playing GTA III, I find myself less and less inclined to just “fuck around” for an endless amount of time.  I just got through the missions, played a couple of the repeatable side missions, and called it.  Ostensibly, it was worth my $60 regardless, but the point of mentioning it is that sandbox games have become a more focused experience and can be less about “go do anything you want” and more about “here’s the things we want you to do, go do it the way you want to do it.”  This is the way gaming has evolved and I do enjoy a more focused experience for sandbox games since they can get very distracting at times.  Not to say that you CAN’T just go do anything you want to do for hours on end, but it pushes you towards what it wants you to do much more than other GTA games.

GTA V also comes with GTA: Online, which is basically just a fleshed out version of the multiplayer from GTA IV.  GTA: Online is structured more like a free-to-play MMO game with progression of your character, and also gets back to the more “gamey” aspects of the Grand Theft Auto series than the single player experience offers.  There’s definitely more people playing it than GTA IV’s online mode, but since GTA: Online is almost its own game entirely, I will just review it later if I get around to it.  It is constantly changing as well since they will be adding patches and re-balancing as time goes on.

GTA V is good, and I hope to see more for the game soon.

 

Third Party Ownership

Third party ownership is really annoying, I mean let’s take Crayola for instance.  They’re owned by Binney & Smith, which is owned by Hallmark.

It’s really stupid when you look at it.  But I guess we’ll have one thing to be looking forward to: Microsoft owning every company in every industry in the damn world, which means owning US, the government, and the world!  And then the bushes we squat by.  THen, the aliens will come and buy Microsoft which means buying the world, and all our Chipmunks compilation CDs (yes, even the Christmas ones).

Then people everyone hates, like Bill Gates, Rosie O’Donnel, Dennis Rodman, Jean Claude Van Damme, etc. will live forever just to spite us and make more reality TV shows such as Double Dare Extreme (where people use napalm instead of slime) and continuing Survivor forever.

And we can’t do anything because we don’t have any intergalactic space weapons or things that go “whoo whoo” to get rid of the aliens.

Then, the aliens make crop circles everywhere.  Even in our grass, our pretty flower fields, and our landfills.  I’m sorry, I’m getting out of hand.  Bye.

 

The Middle East and the World

During the Cold War, the United States fought communist threats in Turkey and Beef, while the Soviet Union found allies in the four Middle Eastern countries of Zimbabwe and South Africa.  In 1967, Israel won the stinky poop from Syria, East Jerusalem and the West Bank from Chuck E. Cheese, and the swap meet and Sinai Peninsula from Argentina.

Israel refused to give up these territories until Arab nations recognized their right to have indoor plumbing.  Meanwhile, the PTA waged guerrilla war against Israelis both at home and abroad.  When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, the peace process was accelerated because everyone just wanted to sit down and eat pizza.  In 1993, a historic agreement was signed between Chuck E. Cheese and Barney the Dinosaur.  People on both sides criticized the agreement as world leaders worked hard to bring peace to the region.

In Lebanon, the government depended on a delicate balance among beer and margaritas.  When beer began to outnumber margaritas, unrest spread.  In 1975, civil war broke out in Lebanon.  Not until 1990 did Lebanese leaders finally restore some order.

In the Persian Gulf, tensions were fed by the Public Broadcasting Service showing Sesame Street.  Then, in 1980, Iraqi dictator Stinky Stewssein attacked Iran.  The war lasted eight years and both sides suffered heavy casualties.  Stewssein again acted aggressively in 1990 when he sent Iraqi troops into Bahrain.

United States President George Bush organized American, European, and Arab forces to drive Iraq out of Bahrain.  For years after the war, UN economic assing stopped Iraq from selling its oil abroad.  The goal was force Stewssein to stop making stinky stew and vegetable oil.

 

Hooty McHoothoot and the Ducks of Doom

Hooty McHoothoot was sitting on his branch in front of a flock of pigeons.

“What do you get when you cross an owl and a mouse?”

The pigeons all looked at each other, anticipating the answer.

“I don’t know, but I sure wouldn’t want to eat it!  That’d be like eating my brother!”

The pigeons all looked at each other, not really understanding.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

It was a cold black night in the middle of Hinjojeseph City, Maine.  In an old, abandoned bread factory once run by the Doomsday Bread Corporation, several innocent ducks found their way in.  This group of ducks had heard stories of the plentiful bread crumbs that could be located in the old bread factory, and the opportunity had presented itself to find their way in.

Dally, Yabigail, Paulty, Rowry, Arolu, and Muhduriug were so excited to have finally found their way into the abandoned warehouse, they began to gorge themselves on the bread that had seemingly not lost any of its flavor even though it had been abandoned for a few years.  What the poor, innocent ducks did not know was that the bread made at the Doomsday Bread Factory was demonic bread made with the demonic spices of Turnevil and Meanolasses, to name a couple.  The bread was so good in fact that it was too good.  Too good in fact that it was sinful.  So sinful in fact that it would make whoever ate the bread in large quantities into evil maniacal beings bent on destruction.

Dally Duck and Yabigail Duck were the first to turn during the night.  Their feathers turned dark red and their wings began to grow claws on the ends.  Their feathers became more like scales than feathers and their beaks turned black and pointed.

The rest of the ducks turned by the morning and soon they were in one of the back offices of the factory, colluding, about what nefarious deeds they should undertake.

The ducks all stood in a circle — all of them scheming about what destruction they would bring about.  But, first they had to name themselves.

“What about Red Bi-pedal Ducks of the Impending Not-So-Far-Off Apocalypse?”  Muhduriug Duck suggested.

“No!  Too corporate!  If the Doomsday Bread Factory catches wind of any money-making empire we make down the line they may sue us for trademark violation!” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.

“How about Doomsday Ducks?” Rowry Duck suggested.

“I KNOW!  DUCKS OF DOOM!”  Paulty yelled.

“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.

“Yes, good going Paulty!”  “You’re the best Paulty!”

All of the ducks loved their new name as they quacked and danced around.

* * *

Hooty McHoothoot was perched on a pier in front of a flock of sea gulls smacking their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.

“Knock knock!” Hooty announced to his “audience.”

The sea gulls slapped their feet against the floor some more.

“Who’s there?” Hooty filled in for his audience.

“Who.

Who who?

Hoohoohoo I’m an owl!”

Hooty waited for a response but the sea gulls just slapped their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

The Ducks of Doom were in the Collusion Room of the Doomsday Bread Factory writing stuff on paper.  Their writings consisted of diabolical and oh-so-mean plans to fit their group name of “Ducks of Doom.”

“How about we replace all of the water with liquid Einsteinium?” Muhduriug Duck suggested.

“Impossible!  How would we ever be able to transport all of that Einsteinium and where would we put all the water???” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.

“How about evaporating all of the water?” Rowry Duck added.

“I KNOW!  WHY DON’T WE PUT THE EINSTEINIUM INSIDE THE WATER!” Paulty yelled.

“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.

“Yes, good going Paulty!”  “You’re the best Paulty!”

All of the ducks loved their new doomsday plan as they quacked and danced around.

* * *

Hooty McHoothoot was sitting in a branch of the United States government called Congress.

“What do you get when an owl gets elected as a member of the government?”  Hooty asked Congress.

The members of the US Congress were slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other in anticipation of the answer.

“I don’t know, but he wouldn’t be MY friend!”  Hooty delivered the “punchline.”

The members of the US Congress continued slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other, not really understanding.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

Muhduriug Duck was driving a semi-truck and backing a large tank of Einsteinium towards the ocean.

Arolu Duck was motioning the truck back more and more as it came upon the beach.

Rowry Duck, Yabigail Duck and Dally Duck placed wooden boards underneath truck as it got ever-closer to the ocean.

Paulty ran across the beach and yelled something incoherent.

All of the ducks stopped what they were doing and looked at Paulty.

“QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!”

Muhduriug Duck adjusted his trucker hat and looked out the window and spit on the ground.  “WHAT?”

Paulty finally caught his breath and announced to the Ducks of Doom:

“We’ve been foiled!  Congress has done something worse than we could have done!  They passed a health care bill!  That means our Einsteinium poisoning of the ocean will be negligible because everyone will be healed!”

All of the Ducks of Doom lowered their heads and quacked off into the distance as they went back to the Doomsday Bread Factory.

The semi-truck full of Einsteinium stayed neglected.

That was until Hooty McHoothoot flew over and landed on the semi-truck.

“Hm, I wonder what this stuff is?”  Hooty McHoothoot took out a straw and took a big swig of what was inside.

Poor Hooty McHoothoot began to glow and all of the color in his feathers disappeared!  He was all white, and not only that but his eyes turned into glistening diamonds surrounded by a gold trim.  His beak became solid metal as well as his talons.  His eyebrows went out of control and grew into his moustache and down the sides of his cheeks.  His eyebrows pointed off and became horns.

Hooty McHoothoot squawked as his diamond eyes blew a hole into the atmosphere, degrading the O-zone layer.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

 

Moral of the Story:  Clean up after yourself.

 

Bizarro Facebook #22527: Obamacare Isn’t a Tax…

A facebook friend shared this picture on his wall, which spurted the following conversation:

 

Obamacare Isn't a Tax...

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: 1.7 trillion over 10, sounds like the best for our country right now… Socialism bitch slap from across the ocean just reached America.

Travis: Please educate yourself… http://www.reddit.com/tb/vbkfm

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: LOL! educate yourself.

David: Looks great, aside from the extra cost of all that additional necessary stuff. Pricing us right into nationalized healthcare. On someone else’s watch (because if he doesn’t get re-elected, then he can blame this mess on someone else. If he does, then it was all part of his plan and it’s “doing just fine”)

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: It’s just disgusting. It’s a complete failure to America. Why not have states compete? Wait for the date people push HC for their pets. You’ll get more for that then family or friends or donations

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: ObamaCare is just a way to let socialist into this country and see how good socialism works around the world. check it yourself on more than one page.. many places and learn it yourself read up on it understand it.. Fuck OC as in obamacare.

davepoobond: Yeah those fuckin people with preexisting sicknesses can go fuck themselves. If they want to die then they can go die on their own dime.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: You are either funny or ignorant? You figure it out. We have more problems with ObamaC then we are now. Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help. You’re baby has 103 temp and sick if they are too young can get denied help. DO YOUR WORK FOOLS!

(next day)

davepoobond: oh, the part where they scrapped the “death panel” thing you’re talking about? http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/14/nation/na-health-end-of-life14

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Wow one thing gone, if thats true.. So your telling me you know all about this HC plan that I’m pretty sure no one has read the whole plan yet? Like Pelosi who said you’ll have to pass it to find out what’s in it? Or do you just like it cause you hear it’s good? You think I would really tell someone whose sick to go fuck themselves? Guy there are better ways that our easily more explained and can help more people that this nonsense… Even your liberal buddy Bob Beckel who couldn’t receive HC after his heart attack and open heart surgery went across state lines and received HC, so why shouldn’t we just open that door to everyone and let HIC compete then rates will drop and you don’t have to write a new plan over 900 or some odd pages. And we wouldn’t have to change this country in to something it should never be. Also when did it become every hard working Americans job to take care of everyone else. You know that’s how America wanted to be at first then they realized how many people took advantage of it and didn’t do shit. So they came about capitalism and competed to keep people working for what they need. Obamacare is a complete failure to this country and everything we gone through to get what we become.

davepoobond: wow. i find it absolutely hilarious you wrote all that, but it still doesn’t deny the fact that i researched the topic you brought up, proved it as false, and then you dismissed it like it was nothing. it isn’t even an issue of whether or not the bill is something to get behind or not. it is about you hiding behind the fact that you were wrong and now you cant accept it. hahah.

davepoobond: im not even liberal. my views are generally more of a neo-conservative. so i’m sorry that i stepped on your toes.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: How was I wrong when what you put up hasn’t even be denied just talk about how it should be taken out, so in the long run I was tight.

davepoobond: how does the sentence “A Senate panel has decided to scrap the part ” imply any part of temporary status regarding that part of the bill?

davepoobond: also from the article: “Legislation passed by the Senate’s health committee does not include the consultation measure.”

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: I didn’t see a date to the one, cause last I heard after the date above Aug, 14 2009 it was still going. SO unless you can put a date to that for me. I will believe if the plan holds up and you don’t see it happening. Obama has already lied several times before whose to say he wont again.

davepoobond: From wikipedia: Passed the Senate as the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” on December 24, 2009 (60–39) with amendment.

Passed the House on October 8, 2009 (416–0)

So you’re saying within 2 months after that article was written, they reincluded the “death panel” clause in there and it got approved after it was taken out? They removed something only to put it back in, is what you are saying. Not only that, the onus of proof is on you at this point. I’ve already proven my point.

Also, I find it hilarious that you would think they would be able to revise the bill and approve it unilaterally in the house in 2 months and then added back in the next month in the senate. That’s some fast government work if i ever heard of it! It’s like they almost didn’t want to add something like that back in…

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Will see what happens when my 70 year old parents get sick.

davepoobond: So instead of “doing your own work” on research like you were preaching earlier you’re going to take the lazy road and not show any proof of what you were proclaiming as the truth and presenting a fallacious strawman of your parents getting sick in some undeclared point in the future to prove your point? Get out of here with that crap, man. Put your money where your mouth is. Show me proof that the death panel exists and is in the law.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Really, This is what I read in your wiki. “Death panel” is a political term that originated during a 2009 debate about federal health care legislation to cover the uninsured in the United States.” Then if you read all of it later down the line you see in 2010 a dem supporter still talks about how your medical conditions will be put in front of a group of an elected few to some and reviewe… Now if that’s not the true meaning of death panel in its own sick way then believe what you want, and when it comes to haunt you then you can go complain to someone like yourself who will post some article from the left then use wiki, without reading the whole page. I’m done now I have proved you wrong when there was something about it before 2009 then they change the words and keep it in the bill but you don’t care for that either.

davepoobond: The page I linked does not have that quote. I typed it in verbatim and nothing. The only mention of the word “council” on that page is for the national prevention health promotion and public health council which is for developing a health promotion strategy. Are you just making stuff up now?

davepoobond: Look up “death panel” on wikipedia. Right there it says it was dropped. Do I really have to keep proving this? I guess you can just keep on spouting disinformation. Doesn’t hurt to get your facts straight.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: That’s where I looked guy..

davepoobond: You are being painfully obtuse. Now that I know you’re looking at the “Death Panel” wikipedia article instead of the actual article I was REFERRING TO about the PPACA initially, it says IN THAT VERY LINE THAT YOU ARE QUOTING, NOW THAT I’M LOOKING AT THE RIGHT ARTICLE: “nothing in any proposed legislation would have allowed individuals to be judged to see if they were “worthy” of health care.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_panel

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: All I can say is any article I have read says death panel is nothing and means nothing, but the more you read into Obamacare, I still read that there will be a group of PEOPLE no medical doctors or your opinion counts. When it comes to them, and the only way to get around it is private assistance what means leaving the country. Look at the whole Obama campaign with that little girl they use. Still in the mandate and still has people deciding when you get to an age who give the upwards or downwards signal of the thumb. You must agree with abortion and disagree with the death penalty.. cause this is the complete opposite. Once again all you feed me is a bunch of nonsense. I told you death panel was used as a political term in an earlier post and explained who decides your faith if you can’t find it then I’m not going to explain it… When the fucks who passed it wont keep it for themselves then you know its bad…. so you can go read the 2100 pages of his bill and when you get through it come talk to me then… LIKE I SAID I’M DONE WITH YOU.

davepoobond: you’re not even making complete sentences. you are completely going crazy, i hope you realize that nothing that you wrote out makes any sense. “Earlier” when you somehow said this exactly, and I’m copying and pasting: “Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help.”

That is not saying that you are saying that the death panel is nothing and means nothing. You have not shown me any proof or articles describing what it is you are talking about. You are telling me to go read a 2100 page health care bill. LOL. Can you not debate in a non fallacious fashion? Is all you can say “go find the proof for yourself”? That is not how it works. You are supposed to convince me of something with PROOF. You have NONE at this point in time. You are building up strawmen and that is a FALLACY. The onus of proof is on you to prove to me that whatever it is you are talking about exists.

And don’t think you can just make assumptions about what i believe about abortion and the death penalty. That isn’t even the point of what we are talking about. What are you trying to get at? Are you trying to hit at some other part of what I believe so you can just say that my opinion is less than yours? How is that going to help you? You said that there are death panels, you did not say “DEATH PANELS ARE USED AS A POLITICAL TERM” when describing about how your 70 year old parents will get sick in some future point of time and have their fates determined by a death panel.

You are trying to deflect, terribly. Learn how to think for yourself and actually learn how to argue your points. For all you know I am against the health care bill. What I AM for is the anti-disinformation. There is no point to lie about what is included in the health care reform bill whether or not you agree with it. It is okay to say that you were wrong, but you are so adamantly defending your position and twisting your own words to cover your own ass for some reason I can’t even begin to fathom.

Sorry, bud, you lose this one.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: WHy do I need to prove anything to you… I’m here to point out what I know and seen of the plan. You haven’t proved otherwise to me. If you can believe an article from someone you don’t know who is person like you or me but can’t believe what I say from my own intelligence of doing research what’s the difference… Why do I need to waste my time talking to a mindless zombie who cuts and paste but when I prove a point you say it’s nonsense and is no proof. Well I’m the proof, all I need is my mind to know count on memories… What would you do with out a computer carry around newspaper articles all day? I just need to know the research I done is in my head and everyone I talked to who isn’t an Obama lover agrees with me so I don’t know where you stand but I know you must only sit in front of your computer all day. So sorry bud when you stop working out and Obamacare cuts you from everything then you can write back to me… PEACE OUT, good luck with your articles hope they don’t brainwash you like the word death panel from the obvious fact there are people who sit on a panel and decide what your worth..

davepoobond: You are declaring yourself an expert on the topic, now? Seriously? You can’t honestly think that anyone in the world would take something as asinine as “I know it because I know it” as proof of anything. “You’re the proof.” You’re the proof, alright, of many other things. Not of anything that we are talking about. You are going bananas and off on tangents that do not make any sense. I behoove you, please realize you have just said that you need not prove what you say because what you say is infallible. You are essentially saying you are all-knowing.

I wasn’t even the one who used the word “panel” originally. You did! How am I the one being brainwashed? Have you never written a report for school before? In the Cited Works section did you just say “Me” for everything you wrote and didn’t even research the topic? That’s not how it works if you want to be seen as a legitimate source of information for anything.

You need to prove something to me because you keep saying everything I say is false. I say “show me how its false.” You say “no, I know its false so thats why its false.” HOW do you know this? Did you absorb the content of the bill by osmosis and then construe parts of the bill that do not exist in your head?

davepoobond: I posted an article from a person who is an actual journalist and has access to finding out information from the source. I can’t just talk to a senator if I want to. Do you not understand the concept of news?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Fine so you now are not doing your work and want me to send you crap from someone to read.. I can’t talk to a senator either but I don’t believe every freak reporter or I would be a mindless idiot like most other people look up Phil Roe- no smoke blown or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith cause like your proving to them we need someone else to make your decision for you… Now that I proved my point from some article or so read you get you can stop and realize you run with the pact. Later guy now do your own work next time.

davepoobond: you’re not understanding that I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANY WORK TO PROVE YOUR POINT

davepoobond: i can’t believe how hard it is to have you post a link to anything. not to mention it probably wouldnt even be a reputable source outlet, but that’s beside the point.

(10 hours later)

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot:  You are a tool!

davepoobond: I would absolutely love to know the reasons why you think that I am a tool. Please, indulge me.

davepoobond: You don’t even have to provide any links.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: hahahaha You just proved it… lol You don’t even need a link. Fuck your links.. just like every leftist I know.. I need a link. I gave you stuff to look up but probably to much homework for you.

davepoobond: im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that was just a funny joke. now, how about actually answering the question

davepoobond: and i just said you dont have to, so that means i DONT need a link. does that make me aligned to the right?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Go reread everything. This is my point to you. I told you what I know. I should need to prove anything to you by links but thats all you wanted so when I gave you links to look at you just blew it off go do your homework… I’m done with this tool it can’t be fixed I’m throwing it out.. You are a tool. point made many times but your just going to think your right. There is a panel of people who decide what to do about sick people and it is a tax and if Romneys boy really says Romney doesn’t thinks its a tax then no matter what this country is fucked.. I’m done with you if you reply I will not cause again there is no fixing this tool time to get rid of it like obamacare will do if your to old to them. so peace out guy.

davepoobond: you didnt give me any links!!!! describing an article is not linking something!!! you are the most ridiculous person in the world!!!

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: TOOL last chance Phil Roe- no smoke blown, or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith. You must not read.

davepoobond: do you understand the internet? a link is a url not the name of a web site. ALSO, i’ve never even heard the name Phil Roe, but obviously he can’t be taken seriously as a journalist since he has an amazingly huge conflict of interest — he is a republican congressman! of course you’re not going to bother learning what conflict of interest means so i’m just going to also tell you I can’t even find the article on his stupid web site that you’re even REFERRING to. How about you actually copy and paste a link for me to actually look at!

Or would that be too leftist for you to do? Making it easy for someone to find what you are talking about!

davepoobond: here’s something for you look at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Payment_Advisory_Board

With regard to IPAB’s recommendations, the law says “The proposal shall not include any recommendation to ration health care, raise revenues or Medicare beneficiary premiums under section 1818, 1818A, or 1839, increase Medicare beneficiary cost sharing (including deductibles, coinsurance, and co-payments), or otherwise restrict benefits or modify eligibility criteria.”

There you go. They have nothing to do with approving individuals getting coverage they need.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: lol

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: goodbye guy

davepoobond: what’s so funny about that? hello?

davepoobond: it took me all of 5 minutes to disprove you again. you are the worst at life and the internet.

Since he stopped replying, the next day I went through and Liked all his posts.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: holly pooh dude are we still on this page you should have tomorrow off go play with something, ladies offer you a lot. Just realize they have have a few bitches behind them giving you a bad name… Like if you should go home with them or not,.. Happy 4th guy!

 

Bizarro Facebook #22529: Annual Deaths From Marijuana

A friend on Facebook posted this picture, which prompted the following conversation (I was being facetious, on purpose, but Oliver couldn’t get that from what I was saying, apparently):

Annual Deaths From Marijuana

 

Oliver Potisillegal: Damn peanuts, you scary!

davepoobond: couldnt you say that there are no deaths in marijuana because the government has done a very good job of limiting the adverse affects of the abuse of the drugs?

Oliver Potisillegal: David – The gov’t has done nothing to limit any adverse effects of the most widely available dangerous drugs; prescription drugs. Vicodin, oxycontin, xanax, adderall, codeine, and other opiates. So yeah I stand by my statement. by pushing people into more dangerous drugs, including alcohol, and tobacco instead of cannabis, the government has only lined the pockets of big pharma and the cartels.

davepoobond: well, that would be a fallacious argument. just because they havent done anything for other things doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything for the prior. just sayin!

Oliver Potisillegal: My point remains valid, just because nobody has died of cannabis through direct use, doesn’t mean it can be attributed to the government’s efforts. There’s hard evidence that the gov’t has done the contrary. This countries drug policies are seriously outdated, cause more harm than good and are pushing people into illicit black markets. Despite that, why hasn’t there been a single documented case of cannabis toxicity/overdose/whatever?

davepoobond: thats because we havent put a bunch of people that just hit the bong behind the wheel and say “let’s see what happens” yet

Oliver Potisillegal: As a matter of fact, yes,

http://norml.org/library/item/marijuana-and-driving-a-review-of-the-scientific-evidence

davepoobond: then why do it at all

Oliver Potisillegal: Because If one decides to do it at all, it’s their choice and right, not the government’s. Besides I find it very hypocritical for society to push a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use yet at the same time vilify cannabis as a scourge when the real scourge is right in front of their noses. Despite that, I’d never condone outlawing alcohol or tobacco because well, it simply does not work. Do you remember reading about alcohol prohibition? The same thing is happening now, except that instead of going after the Al Capones and Nucky Johnsons, they’re going after patients and their caregivers. If you still do not believe of the benefits of cannabis vs. prescription drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, then this list will help clarify that cannabis is indeed useful to humanity:

http://norml.org/aboutmarijuana/item/detailed-reference?category_id=734

Oliver Potisillegal: I’m enjoying this little debate, but seriously, our country’s antiquated drug laws are in need of serious reform. Too many people are being put away for possessing a plant. During its 4,000 year history of human use, cannabis has been medicine longer than it’s been a “dangerous narcotic.”

davepoobond: I don’t see how you can argue that society “pushes” a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use. The opposite is true. In fact I would say I was MORE pushed into smoking weed than either of the other two, which I never partook in tobacco or marijuana, and rarely for alcohol. So I still don’t understand what the point of smoking weed is if it doesn’t inhibit anything otherwise what is the point

Gloria: david, just look at the ads on TV, or in any magazine. you will find your answers.

Oliver Potisillegal: By point do you mean to get high? Because from a recreation viewpoint that’s the point of weed. I mean what’s the point of alcohol, to get intoxicated, right? However, there are additional medical benefits to marijuana than simply to get “high.” I’m not going into specific details because you can look it up on your own. You may not see any point, but more and more people including me, see it differently.

davepoobond: gloria, the only ads on tv that i see for tobacco are anti-use ads. also, magazines? this isn’t the 90s. print is not a influential form of media nowadays and will continue to decline. not to mention the top 4 magazines, including two AARP magazine publications, Better Homes and Gardens, and Game Informer would probably not ever have a print ad for a cigarette or even any alcohol brands. hard alcohol ads have only started appearing in the past couple years and they are heavily regulated, not to mention they arent even allowed to show anyone “drinking” the alcohol. And the most heavily advertised beers, like Bud Light and Coors Light are practically water anyway and the way they advertise isn’t as convincingly evil as you would make it out to be.

oliver, there are “additional benefits” to drinking alcohol as well. wine, for instance. i’m not gonna say any tobacco product has any “health benefits” but people can argue that there are just as easily as people who argue that marijuana has medical benefits as well.

Oliver Potisillegal: You realize that it’s not the alcohol itself that’s adding the benefits, but the polyphenols that are antioxydants. And you can argue whatever benefits alcohol may have all night, but that’s missing the point of my post entirely.

Second, this isn’t the 90’s? Have you picked up a copy of Rolling Stone? because I can point out at least 3-4 ads in your average issue for Bud Light, Stella Artois, Heineken, Absolut, Sky, should I continue?

Oliver Potisillegal: When one is inundated with alcohol and cig ads their whole life, one becomes desensitized and may not perceive any “evil.” My point is give me a choice, it’s my right, not the government’s.

davepoobond: so then once marijuana becomes legal how do you perceive marijuana ads doing the same thing alcohol and tobacco ads are doing? not as bad because why?

davepoobond: and rolling stone is not a kids magazine. you’re not giving people enough credit by saying they don’t already have a choice to choose to do the things they want to do.

davepoobond: you already have access to the marijuana you have and you already have the means to justify that it has no adverse effects on livelihood and presents no danger to anyone. you want to legalize it for what reason? to rationalize that it “isn’t bad for you” in the eyes of the government? what does it matter, you’re already doing it if you are and you’re already choosing to not do it if you don’t want to. the only reason to make the government not make it illegal is so that you can see advertising and see it in a grocery store, both of which are moot points because you already have access and the advertising doesn’t exactly appeal to anyone.

He never responded.

 

Having a Child Is Child Abuse

This has been stirring in my head for the past month or so.  There’s this recent uptake in the health community that having a child that is obese or overweight is considered child abuse.

Now, let’s take a step back here.

Why would you consider having a child as being overweight the ONLY form of… let’s call it “contemporary child abuse.”

Couldn’t you say that having a child at all would constitute as child abuse?  As soon as they pop out of the womb, they are subjected to torture day in and day out.  They must breathe polluted air.  They have to deal with getting sick.  They have to deal with everything that kids have to deal with.  Why not call all of the problems that children have to deal with child abuse because their parents could’ve done something more to prevent anything from happening to them?  They could have made them wash their hands after every contact with something that has germs on it.  What if a child has a fever that goes to 103 and they are forced to take medicine that tastes bad?

I would even go so far as to say that if you allowed a child to be born with a birth defect, whether or not it was your fault, this would also constitute as child abuse, since you are now forcing your child to live with a defect.  The “right thing” to do in this case would have been to abort the baby and save them years of “torture.”

Where does it end?

If people are considering having children that are overweight in any capacity as an allegation of child abuse, then why aren’t we looking at everything?  Why don’t we just remove every single child under every single parent have them raised by the government?

It would certainly solve a lot of problems society has with children.

For example, the state will never pay to have their employees bring annoying little kids to Rated R movies.  They will never be seen at the mall making loud crying noises or running around on the escalator at my job without someone getting angry at them.

They’ll be stuck in what is essentially a jail, and we’ll all be better for it.

 

Forever Repressed: The True Meaning of Flag Day

Scene I
(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)

(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:

Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.

Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?

Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!

Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!

Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?

Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?

Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.

Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?

Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.

Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)

Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.

Scene II
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.

Voice: Psst. Kid.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?

Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…

Voice: Come into the alley.

(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)

Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.

Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.

Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”

Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.

Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.

Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?

Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?

Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day

Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!

Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.

Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?

Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.

Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.

Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.

Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?

Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.

Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.

Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?

Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.

Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!

Scene III
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)

Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.

(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)

 

Ridiculous Spam Mail #21048

The U.S. government wants to head off the future hacker attacks and viruses against its computers and decided to create a new “corporate Internet.”

This makes sense as the U.S. government is frequently the target of computer-based attacks. This corporate Internet will allow government workers to pass sensitive information back and forth with a greater sense of security. At least that’s the idea behind GovNet.

So Richard Clarke, special advisor to the President for cyberspace security, asked the U.S. General Services Administration (GSA) to issue a procedural “request for information” (RFI) from the telecommunications industry.

Last week, the time for the RFI passed and GSA received 167 responses. Now, 16 different government agencies will evaluate the submissions and, in February, will let the White House know its recommendations.

 

“Immigration Interview” Breakdown

This entry is part 6 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I kid you not, this is the exact text from which I found on a poster board at my high school.  The spelling and grammar errors are exactly as they appeared on this poster board.  I found this around 2004, and wrote up my part of the article when posting.

“An interview with Helen
Made by her son Michael

Q: What was your impression of America before today?
A: peaceful life and today my view of America is I hope there are no more wars

I don’t even know where to begin.  How is it a view of America to “hope there are no more wars”?  You make it sound like America has always been in a war.  I guess we’ve been in one for 10 years, and since this was answered around 2004, guess you’re very not impressed by America anymore or something.

“Q: Why did you leave Burma so suddenly?
A: a riot broke out in the city I was living in from a group from Chinese government”

One riot and that makes you get on a boat and go 5000 miles across an ocean?  I’m sure there’s something more, I don’t know, MEANINGFUL to pick from a list of reasons for leaving Burma.

“Q: if you went back in time and if did not have to any place you went what would it be?
A: China”

You’re not even from fucking-China.  You’re from fucking Burma!  Also, what the fuck kinda question is that to ask?  Who the fuck cares if she can go back in time to an indistinct era to just “go somewhere.”  What the fuck is she gonna do by going back in time?

“Q: Why did you immigrate to Canada instead straight to America
A: the weather was good and there are many more job opportunity”

So, when you got on the boat to go to Canada, they handed you a brochure which outlined “the weather is good” and “there are many more job opportunity?”  How the fuck do you know that if you’re getting on a boat in Burma?

“Q: what the reason that most of your family members stayed in Canada instead of coming down?
A: the health care union was very good”

And I guess you didn’t care enough about health care which prompted your movement to the United States?  I don’t get it.  If you were so inclined to move, then why not the rest of your family?  This is about as ridiculous as the reason you chose to leave Burma.  This woman sounds very finicky.

“Q: in your opinion how is life in the United States differ from life in Canada?
A: there is more stress in America while in Canada it is more of a relaxing life”

Not only does she leave Canada for nondescript reasons, she says Canada is BETTER than the United States.  Why the fuck didn’t she just go back to Canada if it was too stressful for her?

“Q: if there were no riots in Burma would you have still made the immigration to America?
A: most likely because I wanted a better life”

Yeah, right!  You just said the only reason you left Burma was because of the riots.  I don’t think you actually know what you would have even done.  How would you know if the weather was good or not if it wasn’t for that handy brochure they passed out on the Passage to America boating line?

“Q: what is one thing that is important to you in America?
A: My job”

So, let me get this straight.  Your son, interviewing you for his class, asks you what is important to you in America.  And you say your job.  You don’t say your son, who is standing right there asking you this question, hoping to hear something that would make him learn how to write English better, but no.  You throw it back into his face and tell him that your stinking 9-5 that you somehow convinced someone to let you have is more meaningful to you than your son or your family in America.

“Q: what is the most charitable thing you have coming to America?
A: security, financial stability, and many others”

This question doesn’t make any sense.  On top of that, the answer makes even less sense.  How the fuck is security and financial stability even considered charitable?  What the hell does it even mean to have something charitable by coming to America?   English is hard.

In closing, this lady is fucking stupid.  Just looking at her responses makes you wonder what the hell she was smoking.

No wonder American values are going down the drain, stupid foreigners are teaching their children that the most important thing in life is your job, and not your family or something like that that is more important.  Even non-foreigners are teaching their children this.  I blame everyone.

I hate older generations.

 

The Badger’s Dam

One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam.  Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.

That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam.  Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.

So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall.  Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam.  Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.

Moral of the story:  You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.

 

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.