Things That Take Too Long to Learn

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your true friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

Dream #9064

I had this dream today in the morning:

I was in a white room with a table, and like 5 other people were my “friends.” and we were like talking/waiting for something. there were windows, but it was just bright light. and the table was right next to a door, and some old ass lady comes out and introduces herself. she looks like a gym class teacher, but really old and haggy. and she like shakes our hands. i was sitting on the table, and i see the friend that was sitting down next to me go to shake her hand with the wrong hand and end up just petting her hand instead. and then i laugh at him for being a retard, but then he just looks at me like “why did you do that, i did that for a reason” and then i notice there’s like two huge rings on the old lady’s hand. and the old lady just keeps smiling.

I guess the only thing that could have been happening was that the 5 of us were there to infiltrate somethin and get somethin and we were just acting a part

 

Giant Apes Take Over Mars

“Extra Extra read all about it, Giant Apes take over Mars.”

According to Mr. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat this will be the headline in the year 3065. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat claims he made this prediction by reading a crossword puzzle upside down without his glasses. Although the predictor was not thinking at this time and had just hit himself in the head with a tree while summersaulting down a snowy hill we take this into consideration. I mean what if apes took over Mars and made it a great place to live. Also what if they became our friends and helped up with all our problems. We can’t stand for it! How do you expect up to let this happen? According to an eight-year-old we must do the chciken dance to stop these apes. So let us chicken dance. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! We shall chicken dance like no tomorrow. We shall have problems and not solve them. It’s the right thing to do. Now I’ve got a report with cobwebs all over it that Disco is..OVER! NOOOOO! I’ve got to go!

 

Scary Baby Retard

In the Year 2069, there was a young boy named Wilson.

Wilson was mentaly retarded, and he was a 9 year old trapped inside a 8 month old girl’s body. He often stutterd when he talked, and stumbled over cordless phones for his enjoyment. He had a very unusual temper.

What he does when his temper is temped is… You know what? How about I tell you a story about him, and maybe your heart will be touched by this bisexual scary baby….

One afternoon wilson was at school in his classroom. The teacher was not there,

And his teacher put HIM in charge. He was holding his crayon backwards and poking himself interproprietly on top op the teacher’s desk… naked. His friend Mark put in a CD, and turned up the volume. He jumped ontop of his desk and did the macceréna dressed up in a Cheetah thong, and then the song started… It was ‘Modanna’-I toch myself. Every child was watching Wilson and Mark do their thing, they did a cheer and it went like this:

BANG! BANG!

CHOO-CHOO TRAIN,

C ‘MON WILSON LETS SEE YOUR THANG!

Mark was a jelous little girl.. so she pushed Wilson off of the desk and threw an apple at his vapenis/pigina. Wilson screamed out the words “VERONICAAAAAA!” and he got up and his eyes glowed red. he took beer out of his back pack and drank it. He told him he is a ‘Drunken Master’ and he will do ‘Drunken Monkey’ on him. (for those of you who don’t know… Jackie Chan has a movie called ‘The Legend of Drunken Master’) So then they decided to fight ontop of the school roof and it was the talk of the school… The next day after school, Wilson dressed up in a Rainbow Robe with a Purple Towel Turbin. Un like Mark…. She was naked with a 2 foot bamboo stick connected to her penis. they faught and faught for hours. Wilson tripped over his third foot and fell off the roof. He got up and said “VERONICAAAAAA!” Finaly the princible asked why he said Veronica and didnt get up and fight. Wilson said, “Because.” the princible said, “Because why?” Wilson said, “Because I am having P.M.S, and whenever I get hurt I always say VERONICA!!!!” the princible asked, “Would u like some chocolate?”

Wilson got cunfuzzed and did the macceréna and blew up.

THE END

 

The Crowded Quad…

As I walked around the crowded quad with my friend Christina, I noticed that next to the wall grew a beautiful flower called a rose. So I sat down on a nearby bench, and started to study this wonderful plant. I found out a couple interesting facts about this rose. For example, it smelled like a perfume that my mother wears to a party or to her work. It has spiky thorns located on its stem, and has the color pink and red in its petals. Later, I saw a bug on a lunch table that scared Christina and me because we had not seen such a bug before. It had a lime green body with six legs, three on each side of its body. It jumped about three inches high into the air, kind of like a baby cricket.

A couple of feet away from the bug there lay a trash can, in the dirt next to some grass and weeds. The trash can became covered in dirt from the wind. It used to smell like rubber, but now it smells like trash. I saw some kids squash it a couple of days ago, which can destroy the environment. I smelled many things in the quad that I did not notice until I really gave it some thought. For example, the air smelled of a hot dog which came from the snack shop. The trees smelled of pine.

I’ve learned that there are many smells in not only the quad but everywhere in the world. There are also plants, little tiny creatures, interesting smells, and many other things on this Earth, that we need to take some time to think about. For all we know, those facts that we came up with will be very handy in our future.

 

A Friend Lost…

I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. The decision would affect today, tomorrow and even next week. I wiped sweat off my forehead, trying to think while my parents urged me to make the decision quickly. They kept reminding me how they didn’t have all day, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I kept telling them that I needed time to think, this was a big decision. A thousand thoughts rushed through my brain, my life flashing before me. Sweat poured down my face like Niagara Falls, each sweat drop hitting the floor with a small inaudible splash sound. My parents eyes were staring into me, awaiting a response. My parents urged me to continue, to choose what had to be chosen. Time was running out, they reminded me. I put my head into my hands, as if my head was falling loose and I could only hold it up. My dad made a loud ahem as I stared up from my dark hands to meet him eye to eye. My dad then said: “Look son, it’s either the white socks, or the gray socks…just make a decision!” Ugh, I thought, it’s just like my dad to make a complicated situation seem so simple. I looked at my choices of socks, thinking each had it’s own benefits and it’s own problems. The white socks stain easily but yet attract attention. While the gray socks, they don’t stain easily but could stain your popularity. I mean being popular was important when your in 5th grade. My dad, tapping his watch to grab my attention, sighed loudly as saying: “Hurry up.” My mom, sticking the choices of socks in front of my face to choose just made things worse. I saw a piece of red lint on the white socks. The horror, Imagine what that would do to my popularity! It would leave a red streak on my life. My hands trembled at the sight. I decided to try the gray sock on. Just then, the unexpected happened. My toenail ripped through the sock! My eyes bulged, I was struck with terror. I couldn’t move a limb. I looked down seeing my oversized toenail ripped through the beautiful grayness. I yelled out: “NooooooooooOOOOooo!” I put my head in my hands remembering the times I had with the gray sock. Oh what fun we use to have, playing in the dirt outside and so on. I met my first shoe with this sock. My mom said: “Oh dear” and took the sock off. I opened my eyes to the sight of her putting on the white sock. I stayed quiet, letting her adjust the sock so it wouldn’t be ripped through by my Godzilla toenails. She slipped on the other one on, taking the red piece of lint off. She slid my shoes on as she grabbed my backpack and handed it to me. I took it with no enthusiasm as I kept my head down. I lost an important friend that day.

 

Leafy Bob the Muffin Eater

One day, a leaf named Leafy Bob fell from a tree, falling on a muffin. Suddenly, the muffin…DISAPPEARED!!

The guy who was eating the muffin got mighty mad at the leaf for eating his muffin. So, he ate the leaf. But, what the guy didn’t know, was that Leafy Bob was a magician!! Next thing the guy knew, Leafy Bob took over his body.

Leafy Bob led the body over to the local supermarket. (We can’t say the name of the company because then they’ll want royalties on the money this story will make. For the purpose of this story, it’ll just be called Shplar)

Leafy Bob entered Shplar, screaming in a rageful manner, “Where’s YOUR MUFFINS!?”

Then, the store manager, looking over to the guy, said “Oh, Mr. Wellington, you own this store, you get muffins everyday. Oh well, they’re right here.” The store manager leads him to “The AISLE OF MUFFINS…” (echo).

“Muffins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob ran down the aisle, like a vacuum sucking up all the muffins.

“What THE FUCK!!” the store manager yelled. The store manager never seen anyone do that, before.

A man was sitting down in The Muffin Eating Room. Leafy Bob ran in and stole it (the muffin that is). The man cried, “oh! you stole my pecan blueberry peach and rhubarb muffin! I spent like two fifty on that!” The man falls down in a fetal position and cries.

Leafy Bob then says, while eating the muffin, “Don’t cry, its a crappy muffin anyway”

Leafy Bob laughed like a maniac, and ran out the window. “Mr. Wellington is less crazy than usual, today…” whispered the store manager to a lady cashier. “Oh, yes. I doubt anyone will care if we had hot sex in a mashed potato bath and then put the mashed potatos back in the cans in the canned mashed potato aisle” whispered the lady cashier to the store manager.

Anyway

“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuufins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob crawled along the ground, looking for muffins. he climbed all the way up a small hill, and looking down he could see a one-of-a-kind sex park, with naked people chasing each other, and porking each other. It was an STD garden, one might say. But being a leaf as he was, Leafy Bob din’t know what the hell was happening. “Umm…muffins?” He looked at all the people, and when he looked to the left, there were two people on top of each other, rolling toward him. They were going to kill him!! Being a leaf as he was, he jumped off the hill, but being a human right now, he just fell on a giant boulder, cracking all his ribs on the left side into 15 pieces each.

“NYAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed out in pain. Almost unconcious, he rolled down the rest of the hill, after hitting the boulder, ending up in the STD infested sand pit. And wouldn’t you know? 3 people jumped on top of him, getting it on.

Leafy Bob opened his eyes, seeing the people on top of him. He had to kill them now, for trying to kill him…if they didn’t give him muffins.

“Muffins?” Leafy Bob said, with a high voice, because they were on top of him.

“Oh yeah, I got a muffin right here baby…” one of them said with a stupid sounding oice, as they started French kissing Leafy Bob, one in the mouth, and the other two in the ears.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed like a silly little girl. He wanted out.

Fortunately, when he screamed, the three people that were on top of him’s ear drums shattered and their brains started gushing out, instantly draining their bodies of all their blood, and brains, killing them.

Leafy Bob got up and ran away. There were no muffins here.

Leafy Bob was in pain, lots of it. He had enough pain to fill buckets and sell them! Which he was, for muffins. There was a big sign that said: “Buckets of Pain, only one muffin.” Unfortunately for Leafy Bob, people didn’t use muffins as currency, so Leafy Bob went to a friendly neighborhood on a street called Muffin Road. There must be muffins there since it was named Muffin Road.

Well, he found muffins. He ate them.

THE END

 

Goopy Blip

Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry

It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.

…………..

“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.

Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.

I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.

So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!

I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…

Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.

I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…

I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.

I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.

Oh, I have another story.

The End.

Wait, wait. I’m not done

The End.

 

Life After High School: a story

Yay! Fifi is finally out of high school…whoopee…time to go to that college, Fifi. You wanted to go so badly. What was it again? Oh yeah, SUK. Squackle University for Kids. And the bad thing about it is, the college starts tomorrow. No summer vacation. Yay. Time to hop on that train and go down to New Mexico. Fifi hasn’t even seen the university yet. All of Fifi’s friends said she shouldn’t go to SUK. They said that there was a lot of weird stuff going on near that university that it would be hazardous for you health. “We’ll just see,” said Fifi as she got onto the train in her tutu and two suitcases…

* * *

 

Just as Fifi stepped off the train, a bunch of clowns came by and picked her up, leaving her suitcases for the myriad squirrels trailing behind them to pick them up. The clowns ran for about fifteen miles before they stopped at an old secluded warehouse.

 

“Hey! Is this SUK?” Fifi exclaimed. At this comment the six clowns got into a huddle and started talking.

“SUK? What is that?”

“It’s a university not far from here”

“Why is our smuggler trying to get to SUK?”

“Smuggler?”

“Yeah the smuggler that was smuggling in some beans. He said he would be wearing a tutu and would have two suitcases that said, “I am going to SUK, I am going to SUK!”

“Hmm…i have a feeling this isnt the right person. Let’s just wait for the squirrels to come with the suitcases, then we’ll see.”

 

One clown called Big Nose went up to Fifi and said, “Why, hello there little girl…there is a thingy that every freshmen at our fine university has to do before…we allow them to use our facilities freely…” Big Nose turned around and winked at the other 5 clowns. The other five clowns winked back and gave a thumbs up sign.

A clown named Red Nose gave Big Nose a rope and Big Nose tied up Fifi, very tightly with it. Fifi then shouted, “HEY! What’s this got to do with learning? Is this rope tying class?”

At this comment, Big Nose was stunned, so he replied with, “Uh…you want to…learn?”

Fifi said, “Yeah…that’s what a university is all about.”

“Riiiigghhtt…” said Big Nose. The squirrels came inside the warehouse chittering and chattering, and when the Master Squirrel talked with his little squirrely voice, he said, “Why do you guys have to have a warehouse all the way out here?”

Fifi finally realized that this was a warehouse, and not the University she had wanted to go to. Fifi screamed. She screamed so loud that the nose on Red Nose came off and bounced across the room. “This isn’t SUK!!!!” Fifi screeched.

“No, it isn’t, whiny little girly tutu face person.” Shiny Nose said.

 

What will Fifi do? Will Fifi find a way to break out of the warehouse and go to SUK? Well…to make a long story short, she did.

 

In a pile, the six clowns were in a pile and the squirrels were hanging off the walls and ceilings of the warehouse, taped onto them. “Now, its time to go to SUK!” Fifi said proudly.

When Fifi got to the University she saw a bunch of ducks quacking and waddling around a big campus to the ducks, but not at all big for Fifi.

Fifi then said, “Hey! This isn’t a university!”

Just then, a duck wearing glasses and a book in its wing, he said, “Oh, of course not little tutu brain. This is a university for ducks only, not for humans. You better go back home before some clowns and squirrels kidnap you and tie you in ropes and do nothing afterward. A lot of stuff happens around here.”

“What else happens around here, Mr. Quack?” Fifi replied.

“Oh, you know, the usual thing. Moose overcharging you for their taxi service, mice crawling over your house and leaving their footprints on it, crows using anything and everything for target practice, which is very lethal for some species. Anyway, you should go…so GO!”

Mr. Quack took out something that looked like a remote control and zapped Fifi with it. After about 10 minutes of being shocked by 600 killowatts of electricity by the remote control, she disappeared and was back at home on her bed with her suitcases on her legs. In the next room, she heard her parents barking.

Fifi didn’t pay attention to it, and just went to sleep.

 

The moral of the story is to visit the college you are going to before you actually go to it for reals, not for fakes, dress appropriately, stay away from clowns being trailed by lots of squirrels, stay away from warehouses in the middle of nowhere, don’t go to universities with a duck named Mr. Quack that has glasses on.

You also know what your parents do when you are gone to college…

 

So Goes the Mob

“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”

“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”

“It started like this”

‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.

‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.

‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.

‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.

‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.

‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.

‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.

‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”

I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.

“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).

“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”

“Squack”

“Who said that?”

“I did”

“Oh ok”

Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.

“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.

“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.

The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.

The

End

‘Yay’

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

Funny Bumper Stickers

1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.

4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.

10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.

11. Horn broken, watch for finger!

12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!

13. All generalizations are false!

14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!

15. I brake for no apparent reason.

16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!

19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?

20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!

22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!

27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

29. Born free…taxed to death.

30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

32. Rehab is for quitters!

33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!

38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!

39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!

42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…

43. So many pedestrians, so little time.

44. Let’s keep out of touch.

 

26 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”