Joke #13130

The other day a wife said to her husband, “We’ve been married ten years and it’s been five years since you put your arms around me and gave me a hug.”

Looking her right in the eye, the man replied, “Don’t blame me.  Blame your eating habits!  It’s been five years since I could get my arms around you!”

 

You Know You’re Getting Fat When…

Being a little overweight is okay.  But you know you’re really getting fat when…

– your son plays cowboys and asks if he can use your belt as a lasso.

– your refrigerator handle wears out from overuse

– the shocks in your car wear out twice as fast as other people’s shocks.

– you sit on a metal bar stool and it becomes a metal foot stool when you get up.

– you stand in a room all alone and feel crowded.

– you have to walk through doors sideways.

– you stand on a curb and your stomach blocks traffic.

– you have to use a mirror in order to see your shoes.

– you drop money and don’t bother to bend over and pick it up unless it’s more than a quarter.

– you go for a stroll and the sidewalk creaks.

 

Tongue Twisters

– Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.

– Seventy sailors sailed seven swift ships.

– Joe jumps joyfully in June and July.

– Davy Dear ducks Dinah Dear daily.

– Fast Freddie Frog fries fat flying fish.

– Hairy Harry Hartley hurries home.

– Slippery southern snakes slide swiftly down ski slopes.

– Billy Bunny burst his big beautiful blue balloon.

– Fran fans Fred frantically.

– Fast Frank fries frankfurters and french fries.

– How many bagels could a Beagle bake if a Beagle could bake bagels?

– Seven silly skunks sighed sadly.

– Little Linda Lamb licks her lovely lips.

– “Shoot, Sally,” Slim Sam shouted shyly.

– Wee Willy whistles to wise Wilber Whale.

 

Fatman

This was made into an incomplete movie. The full script is below the video.

 

 


Scene 1

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are on top of a building, in Fat-Ham city. It is windy. The sun is shining as they look down towards the streets of the city below. The camera zooms in, and you don’t know that he is, but Fatman releases his breath, gut flopping out)

(cuts to Fatman and Skinny Boy running down the street, with the Fatman theme song playing. The theme song consists of many words popping up and horns blowing)

Scene 2

(Fatman is selling someone a stereo for their car)

(this is a sting operation)

Announcer: We join our heroes on a sting operation, trying to bring out the scummy criminals from their normally law-abiding selves!

Guy: Well, I’d like system

Fatman: I sell you one for 600 moolahs!

Guy: hmmm….

(Skinny Boy jumps in)

Skinny Boy: you’re under arrest!

Guy: why?

Skinny Boy: Under the No Selling Systems for Cars Act of 2000!

Guy: what are you talking about? There is no such thing.

Fatman and Skinny Boy: …………dunanananana! (sings theme song)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run away, and they do the theme song again, but this time with the guy looking at them from behind, scratching his head wondering what just happened)

Scene 3

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

(The Fatcave is just a poker table and a lamp hanging off the ceiling)

(Fatman is tapping his fingers on the table waiting for something to happen)

(the camera switches between Fatman’s tapping fingers and Skinny Boy’s face, pounding his fist into his palm for a couple minutes)

Fatman: Hey, Skinny Boy. What are you eating under there?

Skinny Boy: under…where?

Fatman: HA! GOT YOU!

Skinny Boy: err! Yeah well how many sides does a circle have?

Fatman: what are you talking about? None!

Skinny Boy: 2! Inside, and outside!

Fatman: err! (shakes fist) I’ll get you yet, Skinny Boy!

(phone rings and Fatman picks it up)

Commissioner: Fatman, we need your help!

(Sargent Barnes is next to the Commissioner jumping up and down)

Sgt. Barnes: hurry hurry hurry!

Commissioner: Catch-a-Bubble Man is on a rampage! We need your help. Good luck.

Fatman: We’ll get on it right away, Commissioner!

Scene 4

(scene cuts to Catch-a-Bubble Man blowing bubbles then trying to catch them, but they pop)

(every time he gets one, “sock!” and “fa-dok!” come up)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in)

Fatman: calm down, Catch-a-Bubble Man!

Skinny Boy: y’all calm down now ya hear?

Catch-a-Bubble Man: nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows a bunch of bubbles into the camera, and disappears)

Fatman: whoa how did he do that?

Skinny Boy: I don’t know Fatman……..wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese’s?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy don’t say anything for a while, then start laughing)

Fatman: wha hee hee hee ha!

Skinny Boy: ee hee hee hee hee!! THERE’S GOLD IN THESE MINES!!

(Skinny Boy is jumping up and down like he “struck gold”)

Scene 5

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

Skinny Boy: Holy escaping acts Fatman, how did we ever let Catch-a-Bubble Man disappear?

Fatman: We didn’t Skinny Boy. Right before he disappeared, I placed a Fatmitter tracking device on him before he disappeared. We can track him and measure his fat with the FatPuter

(Fatman turns the FatPuter on, and types in a few keys. A sappy opera song comes on)

Fatman: hmm…what is this cryptic sound?

Skinny Boy: I know exactly where that is! Its at the boat dock!

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy skip arm-in-arm to the Fatmobile)

Fatman: lets put on some FAT tunes!

(Fatman puts the radio on talk radio)

Skinny Boy: this is my GROOVE

(Fatman drives 5 feet then turns the car off)

Fatman: we’re here

Skinny Boy: we gonna get him good!

(Skinny Boy punches his fist into his palm, then rubs it around)

Scene 6

(Catch-a-Bubble Man is blowing bubbles and trying to catch them)

(Catch-a-Bubble Man does a double take as he sees Fatman and Skinny Boy)

Catch-a-Bubble Man: you’ll never CATCH (catches a bubble as he says “catch”) me! GET’M BOYS

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows bubbles at Fatman and Skinny Boy, and as they hit them, “oooof!” “thwack” and “splatter” come up on the screen at different times)

Fatman: nooooooooo!!

(Fatman does a really long fart, and everyone stops)

(everyone laughs)

Fatman: whah hee hee wha hee hee! Whah hee hee!

Skinny Boy: hee hee he hee! There’s GOLD in these mines!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man laughs by screaming and slapping his cheeks over and over)

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(everyone skips arm-in-arm and the scene cuts to…

Scene 7

Catch-a-Bubble Man being put into jail)

Commissioner: good job Fatman! Another maniac off the streets! If only the boy skinny was here so I could thank him too!

Fatman: well, Commissioner, he’s…a little tied up at the moment

(a flushing sound is heard)

(everyone laughs, even Catch-a-Bubble Man. The commissioner laughs by putting a hand on his stomach, and a hand on his forehead and gargling)

(fade out)

Scene 8

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are watching TV)

(the camera goes to Fatman’s face, the TV, Skinny Boy, then to Fatman again)

Fatman: ………Gilbert Godfried

(Skinny Boy laughs)

(phone rings again)

Commissioner: Fatman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his gang are tearing up the city! We need your help! He is too muscular and he won 2 national spelling bees in 1947!

(cuts to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face)

(the camera zooms out to classroom with a teacher and Arnold in front)

Teacher Guy: spell bologna

Arnold: B….A….loney…. arraauughh!

(Arnold pulls out a sword and slices everyone)

Arnold: Ja Ja! I win!!

(cuts back to Fatman)

Fatman: We’ll see what we can do commissioner!

Scene 9

(scene cuts to Arnold and his goons walking down a street toward a park. They are snapping their fingers and lifting one leg high, as they walk)

(Arnold turns around)

Arnold: ok, Muscular Students of Mine! We ah at the National Park, and we will wreak havoc on Fat-Ham’s youth!

(one of them breaks a bottle, and “craaaackk!” appears on the screen for a second)

(the guys behind Arnold run off and start playing in the park)

Arnold: nooo! That’s not what you ah s’posed ta duuuu! ….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face as a little kid comes up to him)

Kid: Hey mister, do you have a tumor? I think you have a tumor, because you look like you have a headache and-

Arnold: kid, its not a tumah! Leave me alone! auugghh!

(Arnold takes out his sword and is about to slice the kid in half, when it cuts right away to Fatman and Skinny Boy drinking some tea)

Fatman: if only we knew where Arnold would strike next

(Fatman takes a sip, but spits it out. “BUURRNN!” flashes on the screen)

Fatman: ah! hot!

Skinny Boy: holy simmering flesh, Fatman! good deduction, Fatman! Maybe if we went as our alter egos, we can meet Arnold and get his signatures and see if we can discover what his next plan of evil action is!

Fatman: you might be on the right track, Skinny Boy…I suppose we’ll have to go as our alter egos and meet Arnold…face…to face…to face….to face

Skinny Boy: who’s the last face?

Fatman: There’s no time to waste old chum! Lets GO!

Announcer: as quickly as they turn into the famous super heroes, Fatman and Skinny Boy, they transform into Phat Witha P-H Wayne, and Cactus Bob the Miner in their secret underground Fatcave bathrooms!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob come out)

Phat Wayne: lets go, Cactus Bob!

Cactus Bob: hold on…

(Cactus Bob flushes a toilet)

Phat Wayne: Cactus Bob…

Cactus Bob: sorry…

(Cactus Bob smiles embarrassingly, and then runs outside screaming)

Scene 10

(Fatcave)

Phat Wayne: hmm…we may be spotted if we take the Fatmobile….

Cactus Bob: What if we take these rollerblades?

(Cactus Bob holds up some rollerblades)

Phat Wayne: I’m sorry, but I can’t rollerblade…I suppose I’ll just have to…take this scooter…

(Phat Wayne takes out his scooter from behind his back)

Cactus Bob: ha

(Cactus Bob puts on the rollerblades, pulls up his pants to his waist, tightens his belt then blades away)

Phat Wayne: whoosh!…….dunananananana!

(Phat Wayne holds onto his scooter, and it goes to the theme song again, except showing Cactus Bob waaaaaay ahead of Phat Wayne scooting toward the camera, crashing into the curb)

Scene 11

(Scene cuts to Arnold on top of the slide fixture, flexing his muscles)

(some kids are watching in awe)

Arnold: check out my musscclesss!

(Arnold flexes in another position)

Arnold: they’re so big. Bigger than all your heads combined!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob are in the crowd, jumping up and down clapping)

Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob: could we get your autograph!?!

Arnold: I suppose I could for people much more ridiculously weak than I am

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob climb up next to him)

Cactus Bob: sign my chest!

Arnold: ….well….

Phat Wayne: tell us your secret evil plans!

Arnold: ok then! I plan to take my sword and go through many cheap battles with Fatman and Skinny Boy!

Cactus Bob: ooh ooh! Then what else?

Arnold: well then, I plan to…wait a minute, who ah you guys?! Why am I telling you my secret plans? They’re secret!

Phat Wayne: you’ll NEVER get us!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob run away in slow motion saying slowly, “noooo”)

Arnold: ………….loook at mah muscless!

Kids: oooh!!

Scene 12

(scene cuts to Cactus Bob’s face)

Cactus Bob: why does he keep saying that?

Phat Wayne: I don’t know…I just don’t know…

Cactus Bob: I think I GOT it!

Phat Wayne: what is it skinny wonder?

Cactus Bob: what are muscles otherwise known as?

Phat Wayne: …guns..!

Cactus Bob: and where there’s guns, there’s people getting hurt, and losing hamburgers!

Phat Wayne: do you think he’s going to shoot the kids?

Cactus Bob: maybe!

Phat Wayne: we shan’t take that chance! To the Phat Manor!

(Cactus Bob rollerblades and Phat Wayne runs back to Phat Manor)

Announcer: and as quickly as they usually do, Cactus Bob the Miner and Phat with-a-P-H Wayne, turn back into the super crime fighting duo-Fatman and Skinny Boy!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump out of their bathrooms)

Fatman: dunt dunnuna! LEZ GET’M!

Skinny Boy: you said it!

(scene cuts again to Arnold flexing his muscles to the children, when all of a sudden Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in, on both sides of Arnold)

Fatman: your evil rein of terror is over, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

Arnold: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LAST NAME!?

(everyone doesn’t say anything for a while)

(then Arnold punches Fatman in the stomach. “OOOOOFF!” pops up on the screen)

Fatman: OOOOWWWW…

(Fatman falls to the floor)

Skinny Boy: FATMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

(Arnold slaps Skinny Boy and he falls to the ground as well)

Arnold: you pitiful weak women!

(Arnold starts laughing, putting his hands on his waist, and bends backwards cackling)

(scene fades out and in again. Fatman and Skinny Boy are on the ground in a cell)

(Skinny Boy wakes up)

Skinny Boy: oh no…what mess did we get into?

Fatman: shhh! I hear something…

(Fatman puts his ear against the wall)

(the camera focuses in on a door, and Arnold is inside)

Arnold: mah name ees Ahnold!

Henchman 1: yep, dat you is.

Arnold: look at mah sword (pronounces “w” in “sword”), ees big and shiny, make many guts fly far

Henchman 2: wow! That is a cool sword, feel the grain of (he gets slashed with the sword) …AHHHHH! MY GUTS!

Arnold: JA!! DAS RIGHT! Taste the bittersweet redemption of Ahnold-sword!

(Henchman 2 pats his elbow and shakes his head, then dies)

Arnold: …Ja…I’m sorry. Guess I don’t know mah strength

Henchman 37 ¼: Bah, Henchman 2 was a jerk.

(Arnold slays Henchman 37 ¼ , by putting a piece of paper on his face, suffocating him, but as he slew the henchman, a thought popped into his head)

Arnold (after killing): Mmmm…cooookie good. Ahnold want cooookie…. Ahnold want alla coookie in world! Come henchman 1 through 3!

Henchman 4: you killed 2, freak.

Arnold: oh ja. Well…you come get coookie too, 4. Lesgo!

Henchman 4: YAY!!! Lets rob the cookie bank on the corner of 34th and Oslo!! (whispering) I hear they got a new shipment, almond-peanut butter surprise! The surprise is a big bowl of punch!!

Arnold: Blech! Ahnold doesn’t like almond, Ah feel like leetle cheepmonky eating tree nuts on a branch above a big city street. They have chocolate chip?!

Henchman 4: tch! Of course they got chocolate chip. They’re a cookie bank!

Arnold: eh? Cookie bank?! Where!?! Ahnold like coookie, specially deh chocolate cheeps! Les go henchman, ahrm for battle! We hit the coookie bank in 5 minutes, but first I gotta write mah mutter a postcard, ees mutters day, …ja……..MUTTER!!!

(camera is above Arnold as he screams, and it fades out while he’s still screaming)

(the scene fades in again, with Fatman holding his hand to his ear, listening to everything)

Fatman: oh….no….this is terrible!

Skinny Boy: what’s happening, Fatman?!

Fatman: with my super fat hearing, I heard….they’re going to……….ROB THE COOKIE BANK IN DOWNTOWN FAT-HAM! And I forgot its mothers day!

Skinny Boy: holy chocolate chips, Fatman! This is personal now! That is Phat With-a-P-H Wayne’s #1 favorite place to buy, sell, and trade cookies and cookie by-products!

Fatman: yes….that’s why we have to put a stop to him before its too late! After the cookie bank…who KNOWS what else?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy look at each other, in horror)

Announcer: oh no! is this the end for the weighty crusaders? Of course not!

(out of nowhere, a fairy appears)

Fairy: hi, I’m a fairy from the future! In the future there are no cookies, so we tracked it down to the point where the beginning of no more cookies was, and this is it. I was sent to free you, and help you save the cookies!

Skinny Boy: holy fairy dust! wow! Really?

Fairy: ………yes…………..

Announcer: and with a sparkle here, and a sparkle there, the fairy freed Fatman and Skinny Boy from their cage!

(Fairy sprinkles some dust on the cage and it disappears)

Fairy: here are some swords. You’ll need it against Arnold’s Conan sword.

(Fatman gets a lightsaber and Skinny Boy gets a pirate sword)

Fatman: lets go!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run but Fatman falls. After a few seconds or so of running, he’s panting)

Scene 13

(Fatman and Skinny Boy burst into Arnold’s room. Arnold turns around)

Arnold: WHUT! HOW YOU GET FREE? (turns to henchmen) GET THEM NOW BEFORE I CUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE HEADS OFF!!

(Arnold’s muscle men go to the bathroom)

Arnold: what! That’s not what you are s’posed to duuuu….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face)

Arnold: I guess I will have to do this myself…!

(Arnold slowly unsheathes his sword from his back, and holds it with both hands in front of him)

Fatman: this is it, Skinny Boy! CHARGE!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy charge to Arnold but stop 5 feet away from him, and a song starts playing)

(Fatman, Skinny Boy and Arnold form a circle, sizing up each other, moving in the same direction)

(Fatman takes a huge slash at Arnold, but he blocks it with his sword, and then Skinny Boy whacks at Arnold’s sword very softly)

(the scene cuts all of a sudden, from them at a stalemate, to them dancing in a line to the music)

(the camera zooms in and out at random angles at each person doing a dance to the happy music, not fighting anymore)

(the music stops, and the lights go out. the lightsaber glows in the darkness, and it takes a swipe, and you can hear Arnold’s scream in agony)

(the lights turn back on)

Arnold: you cut off one of my facial hairs! I’m less of a man now! I can’t believe this is happening to me…manly level…going down…

Fatman: its impossible for it to go any lower. You were NEVER a man, Arnold. Just a confused little Austrian boy. And let this be a lesson to you. Facial hair does not make you a man. You can only measure a man by the amount of his leg hair!

(the camera looks down at Fatman’s legs, and it is very hairy)

(the camera goes back up to Fatman’s face, and he smiles, with his fists to his hips)

Fatman: lets go, Skinny Boy, the police can take over from here!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run out)

Announcer: will Arnold really give up that easily to the police?! Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel! … (says really fast) The answer is yes.

(as the announcer says “Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel” the words appear on the screen)

(cut to credits)

(end)