The Gaytrix: Regayed

(scene opens up with people in a greenhouse punching out their cards in the time clock)

(Larry, one of the security guards is watching everyone punch out)

Gary: Hey Larry

Larry: Hey Gary

Gary: See ya tomorrow Larry

Larry: Okay Gary

(Larry is watching I Love Lucy on one of the TVs in front of him, not paying attention to any of the security camera TVs. Not like it really matters.)

(outside, a fat guy in a tight suit on a moped launches himself into the air, and jumping off the moped, he lands on the floor, making ripples in the floor. The moped crashes into the greenhouse. After a few seconds, a huge, pink heart expands from out of the greenhouse. After it disappears, the greenhouse collapses then blows up.)

(The security guards that weren’t in the greenhouse run to their cars and come out with rocket launchers)

Fat Guy: Oh shit.

(the security guards line up, and kneel down)

(in succession from left to right, each security guard fire rockets, which are actually dildos)

(bulletin time – the fat guy turns around and bends over. All the rockets fly into his huge ass. The fat guy falls over in orgasm.)

(Fat Guy gets up again, but this time the Security Guards bring around their H2s. They blow off the back end and bring out their huge laser cannons that look like penises)

(they all shoot, and in bullet time, the cannon fire goes towards the Fat Guy, with his mouth wide open. He eats all the lasers, but one shoots into his eye)

Fat Guy: Ow! That stings!

(Neo wakes up. In bed with him is a fat guy)

Neo: what the fuck?

Fat Guy: Hi honey…how are you?

Neo: Who the fuck are you?

Fat Guy: don’t you remember? We had gay, loving sex last night starting at 2:00 p.m. until 12:00 a.m. 10 hours!

Neo: I’m not gay!

Fat Guy: oh yes, you are…

Neo: Get the fuck out of here you fat guy

Fat Guy: I thought we were past the weight issue! I don’t appreciate this, Fredrick!

Neo: My name is Neo

Fat Guy: Oh, so now you’re trying to give yourself another name now. I thought we were lovers, but now, I just don’t know you. Good bye forever. Regin will not take this!

Neo: Fine. Good. Get the fuck out.

(later that day)

Morpheus: hello, Neo. I trust you had a good time…::cough::. I heard sucking sounds that could rival the vacuum cleaner, and insertion sounds that would rival a plunger in the stankey toilet –

Neo: ENOUGH! Obviously that guy drugged me or something

Morpheus: Ok, enough of that. It makes me unsettled. Rmember to keep the gay stuff in the Gaytrix and not in the real world. Its what we’re fighting AGAINST remember?

Neo: yeah, I know.

(Its been 6 months after the last movie, so everyone has more hair except for Morpheus)

Morpheus: So…

Neo: What do we do?

Morpheus: hold on…I have to see who’s still alive

(Morpheus walks out)

Neo (waiting): dooby dooby doo…

(Morpheus comes back with a checklist)

Morpheus: ok…Seifer…dead, but alive

Trinity…alive

Tank…alive

Dozer…alive

Annoying Hacker Kid…alive

Link, the new guy…alive

Ok! That’s everyone!

Neo: Goody. So what do we do?

Morpheus: umm…we should probably work on our dance routine.

Neo: ok.

(5 hours later)

Morpheus: ok, good job. Let’s get some sleep and work on our next mission tomorrow

(everyone sleeps)

(Neo is dreaming again. In his dream, Seifer is eating a hamburger. Nothing is happening. He’s just taking bites out of his hamburger and chewing. This goes on for about an hour. Then the scene changes and Neo is a McDonalds employee)

(Neo’s abusive manager, Pap Finn, whom is Huckleberry Finn’s father, comes over and starts yelling at Neo)

Pap Finn: Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you’re better than me?

Neo: No, sir!

Pap Finn: shut the hell up! You’re dead to me! Meet me in the backroom for a cowhiding!

(Pap Finn leaves)

Neo: I don’t want no cowhiding! Comon Jim! Let’s leave this place

Jim: My name isn’t Jim. Its Doug E. Doug

Neo: comonnnn, Jim!

Doug E. Doug: um…ok…

(Neo puts on a hat and puts a corn cob pipe in his mouth. Neo paints Doug E. Doug blue)

Doug E. Doug: why’d you paint me blue?

Neo: so the slave-catchers will think you’re a sick Arab!

Doug E. Doug: Slave-catchers?!?!?

(Neo jumps over the counter and onto a raft that is in the river running through McDonalds)

Neo: Comon, Jim! We don’t have that much time! The slave-catchers are coming!

Doug E. Doug: Why the hell am I doing this? I had such a promising career after I was in Cool Runnings, Operation Dumbo Drop and That Darn Cat!

(scene cuts to a cow bell ringing)

Morpheus: wake up everyone! Time for our next mission! We have to do…something. We’re kind of playing it by ear right now. We don’t know what we’re doing, frankly.

(no one is around Morpheus to hear him)

Morpheus: hey! Get up!

(Morpheus rings the cow bell really hard)

(Seifer opens the door to his room)

Seifer: What the hell? Stop ringing that stupid piece of shit!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber.

(Later, everybody is up and sitting in front of Morpheus)

Link: Is this how you usually get up in the morning? Having a cow bell rang at 4 o clock in the morning?

Neo: pretty much

Morpheus: ok, stop talking you gabby girlfriends. We have a mission to do

Seifer: whatever it is, I’m just going to sell you out again. Oops…did I just say that out loud? Darn…

Morpheus: ok, Seifer, take a time out

Seifer: aw man. Not the playpen…

(Seifer gets up and walks into a room)

(as the door closes, the camera zooms in on “playpen room.” Screams are heard.)

Morpheus: okayayayayayayay. Let’s go into the Gaytrix.

Neo: and do what?

Morpheus: um, I’m still not sure. Let’s see the Oracle.

(everyone enters the Gaytrix except Tank, Dozer, and Link)

(Tank sits on the chair in front of all the screens and junk)

Link: heyyy! I wanna sit there!

Tank: Too bad.

Dozer: yeah, too bad.

Link: what am I gonna do then?

Tank: You can baby-sit Seifer

(Link walks into the “playpen room.” It’s a whit eroom with a big playpen in the middle)

(Seifer is wearing a bib, a bonnet and is chewing on a rattle)

Seifer: mama!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I JUST LOVE GONG IN2 DA GAYTRIX1!!111!1 WTF DA NEDLE TAHT GOES IN DA BAK OF UR HAAD FELS LIEK A PENIS GONG IN2 UR AS1!1! LOL

Morpheus: What the fuck did you say? Are you sure you’re not gay? You’re not going to backstab us like that faggot Seifer are you?

Annoying Hacker Kid: OF COURSE NOT11!1! WTF LOL THOUGH I’D LIEK AN ANAL RAPNG ONA OF THES3 DAYS BY NEO1!11!!1! OMG LOL TAHT WUD 2TALY ROK MAH SOKS OF1!1!!!!1 OMG LOL

Morpheus (thinking about whether or not the kid should come): Y’know what….just shut up okay?

Annoying Hacker Kid: ALRIGHT DONT WORY IL B QUEIT!1!!1

(In the Gaytrix, Neo, Trinity, Morpheus and the Annoying Hacker Kid go to see the Immensely Horny Greedy French Guy With A Hot Wife, or just IHGFGWAHW for short)

Morpheus: Hey, you fucker French guy. Give us the Asian you keep locked in a room so we can do something and then get into the Gaytrix and then make it not gay anymore

IHGFGWAHW: bwah bwah bwah French French French. (looks to his wife). Waha ha ha ha French French French.

Hot Wife: My boobs are hard. Fuck me right now.

(The two ghost guys with white dreadlocks have sex with Hot Wife. It becomes apparent through the course of them taking their clothes off that the Hot Wife is actually a man)

Neo: Sick…

(Trinity barfs)

Annoying Hacker Kid: OMG TAHT IS SO COL11!11! OMG TAHTS LIEK A 15 INCHAR RIGHT THEYRE!11!! OMG WTF LOL O WATE UR NOT GONG 2 STIK TAHT IN HER BAZNGER R U??!??? OMG O MAN THIS IS A FMILY FILM WUT R U DONG?!!!? THIS ISNT IN TEH SCRIPT1!!!11!! OMG LOL WH3RE IS DA DIERC2R?!?!??! OMG MAH VIRGIN AYES!!1!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL

(Morpheus pulls out an AK-47 from his ass, and shoots everyone except Neo, Trinity and Annoying Hacker Kid. He then shoots Annoying Hacker Kid in the head.)

Annoying Hacker Kid: TAHT FUKNG HURT1!!!1 OMG Y DID U SHOT M3 IN DA H3AD U STUPID BALD BLAK GUY111111! WTF LOL I WASNT 3VEN SUPOSED 2 DEI THIS WAY1!1!! WTF LOL I WAS SUPOS3D 2 HAEV S3X WIT TEH MAN IN TEH RED DRES BFORA I DEID!11!!1!1 OMG LOL I HAEV DEID1!1!!!!

(Morpheus shoots him some more. Neo takes out two pistols and starts shooting the fuck out of Annoying Hacker Kid. Trinity barfs on Annoying Hacker Kid’s bullet-ridden body)

(Back in the real world, Annoying Hacker Kid looks like he’s having a seizure. He gets a hard on that is poking through his pants. Its only 2 inches long.)

Link: Sick dude. He’s getting a hard on from getting shot.

Tank: I’ll take care of it.

(Tank pulls out a gun and starts shooting Annoying Hacker Kid with a magnum. Dozer picks up a chainsaw and starts chopping parts off of Annoying Hacker Kid)

Annoying Hacker Kid: THIS IS MAZNG!1!11 LOL IMM BNG SHOT IN TWO DIFERENT WORLDS AT TEH SM3 TIEM!!1!!1 OMG LOL IMM NEVER GONG 2 DEI IMM AN ANOYNG HAKAR11!!!1 OMG

(Annoying Hacker Kid finally dies. A split screen appears, and one final shot from both sides are planted in Annoying Hacker Kid’s head. The shooting took all of about 10 minutes. During this time, the Asian that makes keys comes out of the bathroom)

Asian KeyGuy: That was the best gay sex I ever had! Boy this movie is GAY!

Neo: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASIAN. FUCK THE ASIANS, THEY SHOULD ALL DIE.

(Trinity and Morpheus stare at Neo. This is a movie to bash gay people, not become racist)

Morpheus: OK, I quit. I’m not doing a sequel. Fuck this movie. You guys SAID no racism!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I’m sick of being dead. This movie is ridiculous. I’m going home; I’d better see the paycheck waiting at home for doing this crappy movie.

Neo: Umm…I’m sorry, I got too much into the violence…

Trinity: hey, y’know what? You can’t keep using that as an excuse. You did this last night too. Just because we were having sex, doesn’t mean you have to go into ALL the holes. My ass is for poo coming out ONLY.

The Architect: Hey, you guys can’t stop now! I have to make an appearance in the movie before its over.

Trinity: FUCK OFF. The Architect is GAY, OBVIOUSLY. He’s a stupid faggot that made everyone gay in a gay world full of gay flowers as explained in the first movie.

Andy Wachowski: Ok, everyone shut up. We’ll just end the movie like this. The next movie will be even crappier so that people will hate the movie but we can still make millions off of it.

Neo: Good idea.

Seifer: Fuck that shit. I ain’t coming back for another sequel. I was supposed to die in the first one!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber!

(Morpheus shoots Seifer with the pretend AK-47)

Seifer: Fuck dude. Stop shooting me.

(Morpehus starts to shoot everyone. This influences everyone to take out machine guns and shotguns and start blowing the shit out of people. The shooting involves a lot of Matrix stuff, and an original soundtrack, just for the 5 hour fight scene, by Dashboard Confessional. At the end of the 5 hours of shooting, it ends with Annoying Hacker Kid eating Seifer’s leg)

The End

 

Pie-der Man

The way I made this, is so that the main character can easily be “known” where he would be during the times in the actual Spiderman movie, and sometimes is actually around where Peter Parker is…yeah..


(the camera swoops in on Nickelback and the guy from Saliva on top of a building singing)Saliva guy: somebody told meeeee

Both: that a heroooo can save us! I’m not standin’ here a-waittttinnnggg and…

(they keep singing)

(a sniper team runs through a door to the roof Nickelback is on, and they shoot everyone in the head)

Commander: god damn I hate that song.

(scene switches to Liter Carker)

(Liter is an annoying little shit with huge ass glasses and a Batman shirt)

Liter: oh man…almost got it….

(Liter is by his window looking at Mary Jane in her house, beating his shit. Liter lives on the other side of Peter Parker)

Liter: oh yeah there it is.

(Liter throws his sock into the hamper and zips up his pants. His brother comes in)

Meter: Hey, Liter. I lost a sock, mind if I use yours? Thanks pal.

(Meter picks up the sock Liter just used and goes back to his room)

Liter: oh shit. I better get to school before Meter puts his foot into my jizz.

(Liter puts his backpack on and runs out the door, before his aunt and uncle say anything to him. Liter closes the door with a slam. Uncle Bone Saw McGraw looks at Aunt Chyna)

Randy: what was his hurry?

Chyna: I honestly don’t have a clue

Meter (from upstairs): what the FUCK!

(scene switches to Liter getting on the bus, going all the way to the back)

Liter: phew…

(the bus goes, and after a while, Peter Parker runs after the bus)

Liter: haha, that stupid ass

(the bus driver, being the asshole he is, doesn’t stop for Peter)

Mary Jane: Stop! He’s been chasing after us since that street behind us!

Bus driver: alright fine

(the bus stops, and Peter gets on)

Peter: than….k…you….

Liter (whispering): what a fag

(at school)

Teacher: ok, assholes, get on the bus, lets go to that stupid science place thing with the genetically altered spiders and other scientific junk

Student: why are we going, again?

Teacher: shut yo mouth

(Tanya, a fairly ugly girl with herpes, walks over to Liter)

Tanya: hi Liter

Liter: hi Tanya

Tanya: excited about the field trip?

Liter: sure…

(behind Liter, you can see Peter Parker going around taking pictures and being annoying)

Teacher: on the bus, assholes!

Tanya: comon, let’s go!

(Tanya tugs on Liter, but unfortunately for Liter there were 2 buses going on field trips that day. The one he was supposed to get on and the kindergarten one going to the Genetically Altered Pie Factory. Before Liter can notice this, he was shoved on board with Tanya. The bus driver drives away thinking they were the teachers.)

Liter: uhh….I think this is the wrong bus

Tanya: crap, children. I’m allergic to those.

Bus driver: hey, are you guys the teachers? You look dorky and ugly enough

Liter: shut the hell up. No we’re not

Bus driver: too bad! You are now! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(an hour later, the Bus driver is still laughing)

Liter: Shut up! You stupid old asshole!

Bus driver: oh-ho! Just see if I’ll come and pick you guys up!

Liter: you can’t leave us here with 30 kindergarteners!

Bus driver: watch me. Muhh! Muhhhh! Muhahahahaha! We’re here, get off.

(everyone gets off, and Tanya has a few kindergarteners hanging off her)

Tanya: help me, Liter!

Liter: die, stupid bitch

(Tanya didn’t hear that because a kindergartener screamed in her ear)

Tanya: oh man, I need some Asprin…

Liter: well, we might as well go to the pie factory

(the bus drives off just as the last kid gets his leg off)

(a clown jumps out of nowhere)

Clown: howdy howdy howdy! I’m a clown, and I’ll be your tour guide today!

Liter: where’d you come from!?

Clown: blah blah blah lets go

(everyone goes into the pie factory)

Clown: this is the entrance, and Pies of Fame Corridor. Who cares about that though! Let’s go into the radioactive bakery!

(everyone piles into a dimly lit room, with a big turbine spinning around)

Clown: look what I found! A genetically altered and potentially dangerous pieee!

(Clown slams it in Liter’s face)

Clown: bwahahahahaha!

(scenes of DNA being replaced with multicolored things is shown)

Liter: you stupid fuck! You got pie in my pocket protector! You-die-NOW!

(Liter slams his hands together)

Liter: these hands of mine are burning red! It tells me to destroy you! Shiniiingggg Fingeeerrrrr!

(Liter leans back and then slams his hand into Clown’s face, holding onto it)

Clown: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

(nothing happens after a while. Just a really long squeaking from the clown’s nose)

Liter: hey! Why didn’t you blow up? It always worked on G Gundam…

Clown: ha! Loser! Don’t you know its just a TV show?

Liter: no! it’s a lie! You lie! Its REAL!

Clown: bwahahahaha!

(Liter falls on the ground in a fetal position. The kindergarteners all take out shotguns and start shooting shit up)

Leader Kindergartner: take the fort, men! Don’t leave any survivors!

(but that’s a different story)

(later on in the day, the bus full of the kindergarteners drives by school, at 50 mph, tossing Tanya and Liter out)

Liter (rolling on the ground): ah shit

Tanya (getting up): what the hell happened?

Liter: nothing. I’m going home

Tanya: can I go, too?

Liter: ….to YOUR house, sure

(Liter runs away)

(at home)

Bone Saw McGraw: yo bitch

Chyna: yes, my lovely husband?

Bone Saw McGraw: where be our nephew?

(Liter comes in the door)

Liter: hi parents. I don’t feel too good, I’m going to bed

Chyna: that’s good

Bone Saw McGraw: hey there nephew, how about you come over here, and sit on ol’ daddy’s lap? I need to talk to ye!

Liter: um no its ok, I’m going to bed

(Liter goes to bed)

(next day)

(Liter gets up and looks at himself in the mirror)

Liter: yeah that’s it baby, give me some more

(Liter poses in the mirror. Nothing changed about him from the day before)

Liter: time to jack off

(Liter drops his pants and sits on his chair by the window)

Liter: Mary Jaaaane…where arrreee youuuu? I’ve got a nice, big Klingon cock for you to use your lasers on….

(Mary Jane doesn’t come to her window like she usually does)

Liter: dammit.

(Liter pulls up his pants)

Liter: now I’m going to be in a bad mood today…

(Liter goes downstairs)

Bone Saw McGraw: hey kiddo! I’m gonna be late coming home from work today. They’ve got me doin’ one of those things where people stay in the ring for 3 minutes with my raging fists of anger from atop the heavens ooooh yeah brother, you’d better believe it!

Chyna: I do!

Bone Saw McGraw: shut your bitch trap!

Liter: I don’t care.

(Bone Saw McGraw is hurt very much by this comment)

Bone Saw McGraw: go on to school now…

(Bone Saw McGraw sighs and looks down on the ground)

(Liter leaves)

Chyna: I’m sure he didn’t mean it

Bone Saw McGraw: I SAID SHUT YOUR BITCH TRAP, WOMAN!

(Bone Saw McGraw picks up a steel chair and slams it into Chyna’s side)

Chyna: oh I love it when you beat me down!

Randy: yaaaaarghhh!!

(at school. Its lunch)

Liter: man, I feel like eating a pie for some reason

(Liter picks up a Hostess apple fruit pie and buy sit)

(Liter is about to pen it when Tanya knocks into Liter over and over as she talks)

Tanya: hey Liter! Hey Liter hey Liter!

Liter: stop pushing me!

(Tanya backs off and jumps up and down)

Tanya: Peter Parker and that jackass that I wanna give an STD are fighting!

Liter: oh shit, I gotta see this. Peter is going to get whipped creamed!

(Liter runs into the hall where a crowd has gathered, and as soon as he got with the crowd, Peter punches the jackass and the jackass slides away on the floor)

Liter: what the hell? That makes no sense…

(Mary Jane yells something at Peter then goes away)

(later on, at home)

Chyna: emergency, emergency! Randy-I mean Bone Saw has been beaten at the wrestling tournament

Liter: oh no!

Chyna: some guy named Spider Man beat him down! We need to go to the hospital

(the scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw on a hospital bed, going through doors)

Doctor: common! The baby is going to come any minute!

Bone Saw McGraw: I ain’t havin’ baby, mister! You stop this bed before I clash my raging fists into your face, ooooh yeah brother!

Doctor: get the tranqs…this man is clearly delirious of his state. He is pregnant.

(Bone Saw McGraw wakes up)

Bone Saw McGraw: nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(Chyna and Liter are in the room)

Liter: Randy, what happened

Randy: I hed a nightmare! They was takin’ me to the operating room cause they said I had a baby in my stomach, but I was tellin’ them otherwise but then tranquilized me!

Chyna: uhhh….hunh….

Randy: ooooh, I’m gonna kil that Spider Man for puttin’ me here!

(Randy pounds his fist into his hand, and then grabs his shoulder, cause it hurts)

Bone Saw McGraw: oh well, let’s see what’s on the tube

TV: Today, a man died because he was shot. His name was Uncle Ben or something. And no, he didn’t make the food company, because the guy that died is white, like everyone else in New York, in this movie. In other news, Bone Saw McGraw aka Randy Savage was beaten by a scrawny little kid who could take a mean jump to the top of the cage, in the cage match. And I’m pissed off cause I bet on that match.

(it shows some footage from the fight)

TV: look at Randy fall, what an idiot-

Bone Saw McGraw: enough of this crap!

(Bone Saw McGraw turns it off)

Bone Saw McGraw: promise me, Liter, that one day that you, my adopted son, will be above the heavens and kill Spider Man. Me and your mom will teach you the ways of the wrestler – the unsafe way

Liter: don’t I get a say in this?

Bone Saw McGraw: no.

(the camera pans to the left, and a guy in a suit is there)

Guy: and so Liter trained and trained, and soon learned how to kick ass, fake and for real.

(a shot of Liter bodyslamming Randy onto the mat)

Liter (flexing): yeah!

(Bone Saw, a little disoriented, gives a thumbs up as the scene cross fades to Liter sitting at a desk)

Guy: Liter kept up with his studies, too, just in case he ever had to be in a spelling bee with Spider-Man

(the TV, showing scenes of Spider Man saving everyone at the parade from the Green Goblin)

Liter: that damn Spider Man!

(Liter throws some popcorn at the TV as it cross fades again)

Guy: Liter was also on WWE Tough Enough, but lost to a girl with big breasts

(a part of the episode displays)

(Liter is giving a “confession”)

Liter: seriously, do they think they can really win? I have muscles the size of their mom’s asses combined and-

(it cuts a girl, Ashley)

Ashley: boy, does Liter SMELL! We’re living in this big mansion and it smells like a dump! What kind of a mansion is like that? God, I need to get drunk

(cuts back to Liter)

Liter: ok, I admit I have some….”problems,” but so is the life of a wrestler! We shave our pits! Uncle Bone Saw said so himself…

(cuts to George)

George: what a bastard, every time we’re in the ring, having a friendly spar, he always grabs me and throws me out of the ring. I bet he thinks he can’t win fairly, so he’s going to try to injure us all! But I’m no baby, and he ain’t my mom throwing me from the crib!

(cuts to George and Ashley making out at a bar, both drunk)

Liter: that bastard George, I wanted to get some of that ass, but I’m still a virgin….did I just say that?

(cross fades to Liter at home lifting weights)

(Bone Saw bursts through the door)

Bone Saw McGraw: the Green Goblin died! Dammit! Time for a new super villain. Getchyo ass upstairs and start destroying stuff! OOOOH yeah, brother!

(scene cuts to Liter grabbing an old lady and punching her in the arm)

Old Lady: ow! Ow! Help me!

Liter: yes, old lady, scream for help! Call for Spider Man!

(Old Lady takes out a bottle from her purse)

Old Lady: how about I call MaceMan?

Liter: eh?

(Old Lady sprays mace into Liter’s eyes)

Liter (falling to the ground): IT BURNS!!

Old Lady: ahahahah! Die SUCKA!

(Old Lady keeps spraying Liter until its empty, then she takes out the Amazing Sharper Image Fold-up-into-your-purse-able pogo stick and jumps off)

(Liter is on the ground shaking)

(scene cuts to Liter on a chair)

Bone Saw McGraw: an old lady. Beat you….my son?

Liter: she had very potent mace Uncle Randy. It was MaceMan mace!

Bone Saw McGraw: there is no sucha thing! She was making fun of you, because you trying to make her call Spider Man! Can’t-you-make-that CONNECTION?

Liter: ………………………………………………………………………………………………..no……………..

Bone Saw McGraw: go to your room until the burning wears off!

Liter: but I have 15 coats of mace on! She sprayed a hairspray bottle full of that shit on me! I even have a shine to my skin!

Bone Saw McGraw: Don’t make me punish you more, that IS your punishment oooh yeah brother!

Guy: so Liter stayed there for 3 full days building uphis rage

Liter: that damn Spider Man made me get sprayed by mace and made me stay in here. OOOOOH I HATE HIM!

(scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw throwing Liter out of the house)

Bone Saw McGraw: and don’t come back until you kill Spider Man! Or until its dinner-time!

(Bone Saw McGraw slams the door)

Liter: the world will crumble when Liter Carker unleashes his terror onto the streets)

(what happened to Meter Carker after all this time, you may ask?)

(Meter Carker is in Vegas playing CRAPS)

Meter: comonnn….aww man!

Dealer: you lost, and you have no money anymore

Meter: fine, if I lose, I’ll give a BJ to someone for each $100 they put down for me

(Michael Jackson puts down $10,000 for Meter)

Michael: make him lose, deala

Meter: ……….shit…

(anyway. That could be a different story, tell me if you want it to be)

(anyway)

Liter: hmm…how to drive out Spider Man…

(Mary Jane walks across the street)

Liter: whoah, is that Mary Jane?

Mary Jane: uhh….

(Mary Jane looks over to Liter)

Mary Jane: who are you again?

Liter: Liter Carker!

Mary Jane: Liter Carker? You’ve….gotten….

Liter: stronger? Sexier?

Mary Jane: smellier….I thought Ashley was over exaggerating, but you reek.

Liter: ………..yeah…..well…..

Mary Jane: bye….

(Meanwhile, atop a building, Spider Ma is watching the scene)

Spider Man: hmm! Who the hell is that? He’s crampin in on my territory!

(Spider Man swings down and kicks Liter in the chest, and Liter flies into a tree)

Liter: what da FUCK!

Spider Man: you stupid FUCK! Mary Jane is mine!

Liter: your MOMS mine!

Spider Man: my mom’s dead

Liter: oh….

(Spider Man wraps Liter in web fluid)

Spider Man: hahahah! Sucka!

(Spider Man flies off)

Liter: I’ll get you Spider Man!

(Liter struggles around and the fruit pie he bought 5 years ago drops out of his pocket. Liter bursts out of the webbing and picks up the pie)

Liter: hmm…might as well eat it

(camera swoops into Liter’s mouth as he eats the pie. When he does, he “powers up.” His muscles get bigger and he squeezes the pie, and it smooshes)

Liter: whoaaa! I got stronger! Now I can kick Spider Man’s ass

(Liter picks up a lamp post out of the ground and flies into the air. He eventually catches up to Spider Man)

Spider Man: what the hell? How can you fly? And where did you get that lamp post from?

Liter: what? Do you want one? Here!

(Liter slams it into Spider Man’s face and he drops onto the street, getting hit by a few cars)

(Liter lands next to Spider Man’s mangled body)

Liter: ah haha!

(Liter raises his hands up, as he laughs, and 2 pies appear in his hands)

Liter: what the hell?

(Liter looks at the pies in his hand and tosses it at SpiderMan)

(a huge explosion. Liter flies into the air crashing into a building)

Liter: hey hey! How about that?

(a spinning newspaper goes up to the camera out of nothing, and headlines read: “Spider Man dead, Pie-der Man born!” another headline says “Spider Man pieces scavenger hunt! Lots of fun!”)

Liter: bwahahahaha! Now I’m the stupid guy that saves the city! Shower me with gifts!

(Liter is sitting on a throne, and a line of people with wrapped packages go by one by one dropping off the present)

(while Liter is enjoying his “royal status” an evil presence was looming by, atop a building)

(Michael Jackson and Meter Carker, with one hand around each other’s waists, looking over the city)

MJ: all this will be ours, Meter

Meter: yes.

(both laughing): bwahhahaahah!

(end)

(believe it or not this is my lead off for a sequel. You DO want a sequel don’t you? And what happened to Tanya? Find out next time, in Pie-der Man 2: Hide Your Kids, MJ is here!)

 

Fatman

This was made into an incomplete movie. The full script is below the video.

 

 


Scene 1

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are on top of a building, in Fat-Ham city. It is windy. The sun is shining as they look down towards the streets of the city below. The camera zooms in, and you don’t know that he is, but Fatman releases his breath, gut flopping out)

(cuts to Fatman and Skinny Boy running down the street, with the Fatman theme song playing. The theme song consists of many words popping up and horns blowing)

Scene 2

(Fatman is selling someone a stereo for their car)

(this is a sting operation)

Announcer: We join our heroes on a sting operation, trying to bring out the scummy criminals from their normally law-abiding selves!

Guy: Well, I’d like system

Fatman: I sell you one for 600 moolahs!

Guy: hmmm….

(Skinny Boy jumps in)

Skinny Boy: you’re under arrest!

Guy: why?

Skinny Boy: Under the No Selling Systems for Cars Act of 2000!

Guy: what are you talking about? There is no such thing.

Fatman and Skinny Boy: …………dunanananana! (sings theme song)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run away, and they do the theme song again, but this time with the guy looking at them from behind, scratching his head wondering what just happened)

Scene 3

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

(The Fatcave is just a poker table and a lamp hanging off the ceiling)

(Fatman is tapping his fingers on the table waiting for something to happen)

(the camera switches between Fatman’s tapping fingers and Skinny Boy’s face, pounding his fist into his palm for a couple minutes)

Fatman: Hey, Skinny Boy. What are you eating under there?

Skinny Boy: under…where?

Fatman: HA! GOT YOU!

Skinny Boy: err! Yeah well how many sides does a circle have?

Fatman: what are you talking about? None!

Skinny Boy: 2! Inside, and outside!

Fatman: err! (shakes fist) I’ll get you yet, Skinny Boy!

(phone rings and Fatman picks it up)

Commissioner: Fatman, we need your help!

(Sargent Barnes is next to the Commissioner jumping up and down)

Sgt. Barnes: hurry hurry hurry!

Commissioner: Catch-a-Bubble Man is on a rampage! We need your help. Good luck.

Fatman: We’ll get on it right away, Commissioner!

Scene 4

(scene cuts to Catch-a-Bubble Man blowing bubbles then trying to catch them, but they pop)

(every time he gets one, “sock!” and “fa-dok!” come up)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in)

Fatman: calm down, Catch-a-Bubble Man!

Skinny Boy: y’all calm down now ya hear?

Catch-a-Bubble Man: nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows a bunch of bubbles into the camera, and disappears)

Fatman: whoa how did he do that?

Skinny Boy: I don’t know Fatman……..wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese’s?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy don’t say anything for a while, then start laughing)

Fatman: wha hee hee hee ha!

Skinny Boy: ee hee hee hee hee!! THERE’S GOLD IN THESE MINES!!

(Skinny Boy is jumping up and down like he “struck gold”)

Scene 5

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

Skinny Boy: Holy escaping acts Fatman, how did we ever let Catch-a-Bubble Man disappear?

Fatman: We didn’t Skinny Boy. Right before he disappeared, I placed a Fatmitter tracking device on him before he disappeared. We can track him and measure his fat with the FatPuter

(Fatman turns the FatPuter on, and types in a few keys. A sappy opera song comes on)

Fatman: hmm…what is this cryptic sound?

Skinny Boy: I know exactly where that is! Its at the boat dock!

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy skip arm-in-arm to the Fatmobile)

Fatman: lets put on some FAT tunes!

(Fatman puts the radio on talk radio)

Skinny Boy: this is my GROOVE

(Fatman drives 5 feet then turns the car off)

Fatman: we’re here

Skinny Boy: we gonna get him good!

(Skinny Boy punches his fist into his palm, then rubs it around)

Scene 6

(Catch-a-Bubble Man is blowing bubbles and trying to catch them)

(Catch-a-Bubble Man does a double take as he sees Fatman and Skinny Boy)

Catch-a-Bubble Man: you’ll never CATCH (catches a bubble as he says “catch”) me! GET’M BOYS

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows bubbles at Fatman and Skinny Boy, and as they hit them, “oooof!” “thwack” and “splatter” come up on the screen at different times)

Fatman: nooooooooo!!

(Fatman does a really long fart, and everyone stops)

(everyone laughs)

Fatman: whah hee hee wha hee hee! Whah hee hee!

Skinny Boy: hee hee he hee! There’s GOLD in these mines!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man laughs by screaming and slapping his cheeks over and over)

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(everyone skips arm-in-arm and the scene cuts to…

Scene 7

Catch-a-Bubble Man being put into jail)

Commissioner: good job Fatman! Another maniac off the streets! If only the boy skinny was here so I could thank him too!

Fatman: well, Commissioner, he’s…a little tied up at the moment

(a flushing sound is heard)

(everyone laughs, even Catch-a-Bubble Man. The commissioner laughs by putting a hand on his stomach, and a hand on his forehead and gargling)

(fade out)

Scene 8

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are watching TV)

(the camera goes to Fatman’s face, the TV, Skinny Boy, then to Fatman again)

Fatman: ………Gilbert Godfried

(Skinny Boy laughs)

(phone rings again)

Commissioner: Fatman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his gang are tearing up the city! We need your help! He is too muscular and he won 2 national spelling bees in 1947!

(cuts to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face)

(the camera zooms out to classroom with a teacher and Arnold in front)

Teacher Guy: spell bologna

Arnold: B….A….loney…. arraauughh!

(Arnold pulls out a sword and slices everyone)

Arnold: Ja Ja! I win!!

(cuts back to Fatman)

Fatman: We’ll see what we can do commissioner!

Scene 9

(scene cuts to Arnold and his goons walking down a street toward a park. They are snapping their fingers and lifting one leg high, as they walk)

(Arnold turns around)

Arnold: ok, Muscular Students of Mine! We ah at the National Park, and we will wreak havoc on Fat-Ham’s youth!

(one of them breaks a bottle, and “craaaackk!” appears on the screen for a second)

(the guys behind Arnold run off and start playing in the park)

Arnold: nooo! That’s not what you ah s’posed ta duuuu! ….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face as a little kid comes up to him)

Kid: Hey mister, do you have a tumor? I think you have a tumor, because you look like you have a headache and-

Arnold: kid, its not a tumah! Leave me alone! auugghh!

(Arnold takes out his sword and is about to slice the kid in half, when it cuts right away to Fatman and Skinny Boy drinking some tea)

Fatman: if only we knew where Arnold would strike next

(Fatman takes a sip, but spits it out. “BUURRNN!” flashes on the screen)

Fatman: ah! hot!

Skinny Boy: holy simmering flesh, Fatman! good deduction, Fatman! Maybe if we went as our alter egos, we can meet Arnold and get his signatures and see if we can discover what his next plan of evil action is!

Fatman: you might be on the right track, Skinny Boy…I suppose we’ll have to go as our alter egos and meet Arnold…face…to face…to face….to face

Skinny Boy: who’s the last face?

Fatman: There’s no time to waste old chum! Lets GO!

Announcer: as quickly as they turn into the famous super heroes, Fatman and Skinny Boy, they transform into Phat Witha P-H Wayne, and Cactus Bob the Miner in their secret underground Fatcave bathrooms!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob come out)

Phat Wayne: lets go, Cactus Bob!

Cactus Bob: hold on…

(Cactus Bob flushes a toilet)

Phat Wayne: Cactus Bob…

Cactus Bob: sorry…

(Cactus Bob smiles embarrassingly, and then runs outside screaming)

Scene 10

(Fatcave)

Phat Wayne: hmm…we may be spotted if we take the Fatmobile….

Cactus Bob: What if we take these rollerblades?

(Cactus Bob holds up some rollerblades)

Phat Wayne: I’m sorry, but I can’t rollerblade…I suppose I’ll just have to…take this scooter…

(Phat Wayne takes out his scooter from behind his back)

Cactus Bob: ha

(Cactus Bob puts on the rollerblades, pulls up his pants to his waist, tightens his belt then blades away)

Phat Wayne: whoosh!…….dunananananana!

(Phat Wayne holds onto his scooter, and it goes to the theme song again, except showing Cactus Bob waaaaaay ahead of Phat Wayne scooting toward the camera, crashing into the curb)

Scene 11

(Scene cuts to Arnold on top of the slide fixture, flexing his muscles)

(some kids are watching in awe)

Arnold: check out my musscclesss!

(Arnold flexes in another position)

Arnold: they’re so big. Bigger than all your heads combined!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob are in the crowd, jumping up and down clapping)

Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob: could we get your autograph!?!

Arnold: I suppose I could for people much more ridiculously weak than I am

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob climb up next to him)

Cactus Bob: sign my chest!

Arnold: ….well….

Phat Wayne: tell us your secret evil plans!

Arnold: ok then! I plan to take my sword and go through many cheap battles with Fatman and Skinny Boy!

Cactus Bob: ooh ooh! Then what else?

Arnold: well then, I plan to…wait a minute, who ah you guys?! Why am I telling you my secret plans? They’re secret!

Phat Wayne: you’ll NEVER get us!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob run away in slow motion saying slowly, “noooo”)

Arnold: ………….loook at mah muscless!

Kids: oooh!!

Scene 12

(scene cuts to Cactus Bob’s face)

Cactus Bob: why does he keep saying that?

Phat Wayne: I don’t know…I just don’t know…

Cactus Bob: I think I GOT it!

Phat Wayne: what is it skinny wonder?

Cactus Bob: what are muscles otherwise known as?

Phat Wayne: …guns..!

Cactus Bob: and where there’s guns, there’s people getting hurt, and losing hamburgers!

Phat Wayne: do you think he’s going to shoot the kids?

Cactus Bob: maybe!

Phat Wayne: we shan’t take that chance! To the Phat Manor!

(Cactus Bob rollerblades and Phat Wayne runs back to Phat Manor)

Announcer: and as quickly as they usually do, Cactus Bob the Miner and Phat with-a-P-H Wayne, turn back into the super crime fighting duo-Fatman and Skinny Boy!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump out of their bathrooms)

Fatman: dunt dunnuna! LEZ GET’M!

Skinny Boy: you said it!

(scene cuts again to Arnold flexing his muscles to the children, when all of a sudden Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in, on both sides of Arnold)

Fatman: your evil rein of terror is over, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

Arnold: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LAST NAME!?

(everyone doesn’t say anything for a while)

(then Arnold punches Fatman in the stomach. “OOOOOFF!” pops up on the screen)

Fatman: OOOOWWWW…

(Fatman falls to the floor)

Skinny Boy: FATMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

(Arnold slaps Skinny Boy and he falls to the ground as well)

Arnold: you pitiful weak women!

(Arnold starts laughing, putting his hands on his waist, and bends backwards cackling)

(scene fades out and in again. Fatman and Skinny Boy are on the ground in a cell)

(Skinny Boy wakes up)

Skinny Boy: oh no…what mess did we get into?

Fatman: shhh! I hear something…

(Fatman puts his ear against the wall)

(the camera focuses in on a door, and Arnold is inside)

Arnold: mah name ees Ahnold!

Henchman 1: yep, dat you is.

Arnold: look at mah sword (pronounces “w” in “sword”), ees big and shiny, make many guts fly far

Henchman 2: wow! That is a cool sword, feel the grain of (he gets slashed with the sword) …AHHHHH! MY GUTS!

Arnold: JA!! DAS RIGHT! Taste the bittersweet redemption of Ahnold-sword!

(Henchman 2 pats his elbow and shakes his head, then dies)

Arnold: …Ja…I’m sorry. Guess I don’t know mah strength

Henchman 37 ¼: Bah, Henchman 2 was a jerk.

(Arnold slays Henchman 37 ¼ , by putting a piece of paper on his face, suffocating him, but as he slew the henchman, a thought popped into his head)

Arnold (after killing): Mmmm…cooookie good. Ahnold want cooookie…. Ahnold want alla coookie in world! Come henchman 1 through 3!

Henchman 4: you killed 2, freak.

Arnold: oh ja. Well…you come get coookie too, 4. Lesgo!

Henchman 4: YAY!!! Lets rob the cookie bank on the corner of 34th and Oslo!! (whispering) I hear they got a new shipment, almond-peanut butter surprise! The surprise is a big bowl of punch!!

Arnold: Blech! Ahnold doesn’t like almond, Ah feel like leetle cheepmonky eating tree nuts on a branch above a big city street. They have chocolate chip?!

Henchman 4: tch! Of course they got chocolate chip. They’re a cookie bank!

Arnold: eh? Cookie bank?! Where!?! Ahnold like coookie, specially deh chocolate cheeps! Les go henchman, ahrm for battle! We hit the coookie bank in 5 minutes, but first I gotta write mah mutter a postcard, ees mutters day, …ja……..MUTTER!!!

(camera is above Arnold as he screams, and it fades out while he’s still screaming)

(the scene fades in again, with Fatman holding his hand to his ear, listening to everything)

Fatman: oh….no….this is terrible!

Skinny Boy: what’s happening, Fatman?!

Fatman: with my super fat hearing, I heard….they’re going to……….ROB THE COOKIE BANK IN DOWNTOWN FAT-HAM! And I forgot its mothers day!

Skinny Boy: holy chocolate chips, Fatman! This is personal now! That is Phat With-a-P-H Wayne’s #1 favorite place to buy, sell, and trade cookies and cookie by-products!

Fatman: yes….that’s why we have to put a stop to him before its too late! After the cookie bank…who KNOWS what else?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy look at each other, in horror)

Announcer: oh no! is this the end for the weighty crusaders? Of course not!

(out of nowhere, a fairy appears)

Fairy: hi, I’m a fairy from the future! In the future there are no cookies, so we tracked it down to the point where the beginning of no more cookies was, and this is it. I was sent to free you, and help you save the cookies!

Skinny Boy: holy fairy dust! wow! Really?

Fairy: ………yes…………..

Announcer: and with a sparkle here, and a sparkle there, the fairy freed Fatman and Skinny Boy from their cage!

(Fairy sprinkles some dust on the cage and it disappears)

Fairy: here are some swords. You’ll need it against Arnold’s Conan sword.

(Fatman gets a lightsaber and Skinny Boy gets a pirate sword)

Fatman: lets go!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run but Fatman falls. After a few seconds or so of running, he’s panting)

Scene 13

(Fatman and Skinny Boy burst into Arnold’s room. Arnold turns around)

Arnold: WHUT! HOW YOU GET FREE? (turns to henchmen) GET THEM NOW BEFORE I CUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE HEADS OFF!!

(Arnold’s muscle men go to the bathroom)

Arnold: what! That’s not what you are s’posed to duuuu….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face)

Arnold: I guess I will have to do this myself…!

(Arnold slowly unsheathes his sword from his back, and holds it with both hands in front of him)

Fatman: this is it, Skinny Boy! CHARGE!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy charge to Arnold but stop 5 feet away from him, and a song starts playing)

(Fatman, Skinny Boy and Arnold form a circle, sizing up each other, moving in the same direction)

(Fatman takes a huge slash at Arnold, but he blocks it with his sword, and then Skinny Boy whacks at Arnold’s sword very softly)

(the scene cuts all of a sudden, from them at a stalemate, to them dancing in a line to the music)

(the camera zooms in and out at random angles at each person doing a dance to the happy music, not fighting anymore)

(the music stops, and the lights go out. the lightsaber glows in the darkness, and it takes a swipe, and you can hear Arnold’s scream in agony)

(the lights turn back on)

Arnold: you cut off one of my facial hairs! I’m less of a man now! I can’t believe this is happening to me…manly level…going down…

Fatman: its impossible for it to go any lower. You were NEVER a man, Arnold. Just a confused little Austrian boy. And let this be a lesson to you. Facial hair does not make you a man. You can only measure a man by the amount of his leg hair!

(the camera looks down at Fatman’s legs, and it is very hairy)

(the camera goes back up to Fatman’s face, and he smiles, with his fists to his hips)

Fatman: lets go, Skinny Boy, the police can take over from here!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run out)

Announcer: will Arnold really give up that easily to the police?! Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel! … (says really fast) The answer is yes.

(as the announcer says “Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel” the words appear on the screen)

(cut to credits)

(end)

 

The Gaytrix

(scene opens with sugar packets with ones and zeros on them)

(then it demagnifies and has a guy snuffing the sugar packet)

????: mmh! This is good shit. Good idea putting cocaine in NutraSweet packets

Drug Dealer: I didn’t actually put it in, NutraSweet IS cocaine. No one actually knows it…

(???? Goes into a trance, and the camera focuses on his eye)

(a man named Neo, wearing a thong and a G-string goes to work, and all of a sudden…)

Neo: strike a pose!

(Neo does a pose in the middle of the street, in New York. Everybody stops what they’re doing, and a car crash sound is heard in the distance. Everyone around Neo starts beating him up)

(an hour later)

(Neo stumbles into his one room apartment)

Neo (rubbing his ass): God, someone stuck a briefcase in my ass….what’s this?

(Neo pulls out a paper from his ass)

Neo (reading the paper): wondering what the Gaytrix is? Pull out more papers from your ass

(Neo pulls a second piece from his ass)

Neo (reading off the paper): go to your computer and go to the Kevin Spacey fan site and log in as “Gaytrix” the password is “Neo”

(Neo rubs his head)

Neo: holy crap. How did it know my name?

(Neo goes to the Kevin Spacey web site on his ultra cool computer, and there are 2 animations of Kevin Spacey humping himself)

Neo: sweet.

(Neo logs in, and Kevin Spacey’s voice says “welcome”)

Neo: yay

Computer: Check your mail? Send mail? Buy a Kevin Spacey Dildo?

Neo: Check my mail

Computer: You have 3 mails

(Neo clicks on the first mail. It reads: )

Hello user Gaytrix. Your Kevin Spacey Dildo has been sent via United States Postal Service and will arrive in approximately 3 days. We know you can’t wait.

Neo: that’s not the right one…

(Neo clicks on another one. It reads: )

Hello Gaytrix. Here’s the attachment for that program that you can have Kevin Spacey have sexual intercourse with anything and everything, and it simulates what he will make with it

(Neo downloads it)

Neo: never know when I might need that…

(Neo clicks on the last one and it reads: )

Hello, Neo. You finally found the right one. Go to this location and wait for my Kevin Spacey dildos. You will get further instructions then.

(there is a drawing of a place. Neo recognizes it)

Neo: there, huh? Ok!

(the email goes on: )

Don’t be gay. Wear clothes. If you’re gay, the Gaytrix will get you…

Neo: aw man

(later, at that place)

Neo: dooby dooby doo waiting for Kevin Spacey dildos…

(6 days later)

(a mailman chucks a box at Neo, and speeds away on his bike)

(Neo opens the box and takes out a 1 inch dildo)

Neo: geez. You can lose something like this really easily…

(Morpheus appears behind Neo, out of nowhere)

Morpheus: that’s why Kevin Spacey doesn’t have much manhood, especially after he starred in Pay It Forward. Look at this graph.

(Morpheus points to a graph that just appears)

Morpheus: This is zero, and the beginning of Kevin Spacey’s career. As you can see there is a slight increase, until we get to the time of Pay It Forward

(the line goes below zero, and it keeps dropping)

Morpheus: well, you get what I mean

Neo: true…

Morpheus: get him.

(in a second, a shadowy figure blackjacks Neo, and the scene fades out)

(fade in, Neo is looking up at Morpheus)

Morpheus: hello…

Neo: ah man, I have such a bad headache…why’d you knock me out?

Morpheus: um….because…yeah.

Neo: oh ok

(Neo sits up, rubbing his head, and Morpheus sits in a bean bag chair)

Morpheus: do you really want to know what the Gaytrix is?

Neo: yes I do…

(Morpheus raises one hand)

Morpheus: if you take the blue pill, you will find the immense amount of gayness and junk like that that is…the Gaytrix

(Morpheus raises his other hand)

Morpheus: if you take the red pill, you’ll forget everything you’ve seen here today, and some other stuff…and maybe get a brain aneurysm…

(Morpheus raises a third hand)

Morpheus: and you should take these extra strength children’s tylenol for your headache

(Neo blinks a couple times, still rubbing his head)

Neo: where did that third hand come from?

(Morphues doesn’t do anything for a while, then takes the Tylenol and puts it in the same as the blue pill)

Neo: ok, fine, I’ll take the blue pill

(Neo swallows the blue pill, and the Tylenol)

Morpheus: I’ll give you something to wash that down. Open your mouth

(Neo opens his mouth as Morpheus unzips his pants, and pees into his mouth)

Morpheus: 3 points!

(a crane picks up Neo by his shirt collar and drops him headfirst into a toilet. He takes his head out of it, but a shadowy figure dunks his head back in, and flushes the toilet)

Neo: whoooooaaaaaaaa!

(Neo gets sucked in, it seems, and he wakes up in a coffin, colored with pretty pink flowers, hanging over a field of flowers. The coffin is transparent)

Neo: holy shit!

(Neo looks around, but it seemed like the world was covered with pink flowers)

(Neo’s coffin breaks and he falls into the flowers. It seems like they were all attacking him)

Neo: noooooo!

(Neo gets up, and he’s fine. The flowers didn’t move at all. Neo shrugs and then walks north, trying to find out where he is)

(after a few weeks, he gets out of the flower field, and is now in a barren tundra, with gray dirt and cracks in the ground everywhere, and the camera spins around Neo, until he’s facing it)

Neo: what the?

(Morpheus appears behind Neo)

Morpheus: welcome to the real world

Neo: your fly is still open…

Morpheus: it is? That’s funny, its been open for 6 weeks

Neo: ok…

Morpheus: the real world is scattered with pretty pink flower fields, on this desolate earth. We only survive by eating the flowers…

Neo: how did this happen?

Morpheus: gay aliens obsessed with flowers, called al Qaedas.

Neo: oh…

Morpheus: they basically killed everything that wasn’t a flower, and planted flowers across the whole earth, only. In every field there is a huge flower that holds humans in it, and they use our energy to expand the flower fields and they also want to turn us gay, hence the reason why its called the world they put us in is called the Gaytrix. That way they’d only have to leave a few of their fellow aliens behind to monitor us, and once we all become gay, they’ll integrate us into their race! And they’ve already taken over the moon fully. Look at that!

(the camera pans to the moon, where Morpheus is pointing)

(the moon is just a pink glob, and you can see the sky is also a pale pink)

Neo: that’s horrible…

Seifer: hello!

(more people appear behind Morpheus singing in tune)

Trinity: we’re her to save the universe –

Tank: – from being gaaaaaaaayyyyy

Dozer: cha cha cha!

Seifer: a one, a one, a two three four!

(everyone dances simultaneously, doing a can can and ending in a riverdance)

Morpheus: we must kill the homo aliens!

Trinity: from taking everything!

Seifer: guy and girl?

Morpheus: girl and guy?

(everyone shakes their head)

Everyone: NO WAY!

Morpheus: when everyones gay its –

Seifer: guy and guy?

(Seifer sticks out his tongue)

Trinity: girl and girl?

(Trinity sticks out her tongue)

Tank: its ok for some –

Dozer: but not everyonnnnneee!!!!

(an explosion is seen in the back)

Morpheus: shit! Its the Homo Rangers!

(a hole appears in the ground all of a sudden and everyone jumps into it)

(the Homo Rangers go toward the hole where everyone went in)

Homo Ranger Horg Zorg: That’s retarded…they do this every week.

Homo Ranger Harg Zarg: Its mysterious how they can just add another person to their dancing routine every time…

Homo Ranger Hurg Zurg: oh well

Homo Ranger Herg Zerg: blah. We’ll get them next time

Homo Ranger Squad Comander Hirg Zirg: while we’re waiting, let’s have hot sex!

(meanwhile, in the hole)

Morpheus: are you in, Neo?

Neo: yes

Morpheus: there are Homo Agents in the Gaytrix, too. We have to get rid of them all, and preferably kill their whole race to liberate the Earth and the rest of existence

Neo: sounds fun

Dozer: you gotta be careful. If they Homo-Hump you they can control you whenever they want

Neo: that kinda scares me

Seifer: um, yeah…me too…

(unbeknownst to the rest of the team, Seifer was, in fact, Homo-Humped!)

Morpheus: as does the rest of us. Everyone has been homo-humped except us, so anyone could be our enemy. An old lady, a little puppy, and even crossguards.

Neo: um…why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: it kinda hurts everyone’s eyes after we do our performance

(Trinity rubs her eyes)

Trinity: you’re pretty

Neo: who? Me?

(Trinity nods her head)

Trinity: I like your nice long blonde hair

(Neo has no hair)

Seifer (shoves Trinity): sorry, she’s a little stoned at the moment. You’ve got a nice afro

Neo: ok…

(fade out)

(fade in, dogs are chasing after everyone through the woods. You hear barking as they run)

(fade out)

(fade in, in a stupid futuristic kinda place with some seats)

Neo: what is this?

Morpheus: the Command Ship!

(“Command Ship” echoes and there’s a lightning sound)

Trinity: whee!

(Tank spins around in a chair and puts on a “talk to type” set of headphones, but you don’t know that…)

(Neo walks up to a screen with scrolling green numbers)

Neo: what’s this?

Seifer: that’s the May-Trix. They only use that in May. Its pretty much the same thing, but in a different coding, and it sucks more. But that’s a different movie.

Neo: huh? Movie?

Seifer: never-fucking-mind

(Seifer waves his hands around)

Morpheus: let’s go meet someone

Neo: ok, who?

Morpheus: she’s an oracle, and can help you unlock your destiny

(Morpheus smiles evilly)

Morpheus: Lets go to the Gaytrix! Suit up!

(Dozer jumps outta nowhere and jams a needle into Neo’s skull and he goes into the Gaytrix…with skills he didn’t have before)

(they all appear in a McDonalds bathroom)

Neo: I know how to make pizza…

Morpheus: that’s great.

(the camera zooms out, and Seifer, Trinity, Morpheus and Neo are wearing dark sunglasses, and trench coats)

Morpheus: lets go!

(everyone goes out of the bathroom, and walk through the Playplace, obviously sticking out, since they’re all in black and the playplace is full of bright colors)

Kid (pointing at the group): mommy mommy! Burger King employees!

Mom: no, darling, they’re McDonalds employees

Kid: oh…I feel safer now

(cuts to Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and Seifer coming out of McDonalds)

Neo: so, where IS this oracle?

Morpheus: uhh I forgot…

Seifer: SHIT! HOMO-AGENTS! I DIDN’T SQUEAL ON US, HONEST!

(millions, it seems, of agents surround them)

Homo-Agent Brown (speaking into a megaphone): good job, Seifer. You can go now.

Seifer: ok, maybe I did.

Neo: you’re not going anywhere!

(Everyone starts shooting agents and do karate shit. Seifer is kicked in the face by Neo. Bullet time is used a lot here, so use your imagination)

(slow motion scenes of homo-agents that look the same punching in slow motion. Randomly, one of the slow motion scenes are of Ronald McDonald, as well)

(after about a half an hour or so of action that you made up by yourself, Godzilla goes on a rampage and kills everyone. I just wanted to finish this, so I’m sorry for the sucky ending. Just for the hell of it, so if I want to make a sequel to this, they were all pulled out of the Gaytrix right before they were stepped on. And if you’re wondering what the beginning has to do with anything with the movie, this was all some guy’s coke trip)

(end)

—————–

Well, when I was writing this movie, I didn’t think there was going to be any ACTUAL sequels to The Matrix. So any similarities with the millions of agents or Ronald McDonald in this were actually made up by me, and not directly parodizing the 2nd Matrix. If you’re interested, this is what I have planned for making the next Gaytrix parodies:

The Gaytrix: Regayed – Completed

The Gatrix: Homorevolutions – Incomplete

The Gaytrix: Enter the Gaytrix – (takes place 2 days prior to Gatrix: Regayed, and follows 2 Homo-Agents/Homo-Rangers) – Incomplete

The Hentaitrix: The Gaytrix Animated (parody of all the 9 different Animatrix shorts, and also a 10th movie I make up originally. They all go in order, sort of. 5 of them lead up to Enter the Gaytrix, and they’re from the Homo Alien race’s point of view, and 5 that lead up to The Gaytrix: Regayed) – Incomplete

 

Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo

Cast:

Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld

Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson

Ming – Cameron Diaz

Master Tea – Mr. T

Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey

Fan – Marilyn Manson

Low – Macauly Culkin

Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Green Fox – Roseanne

Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox

Guard 2 – John Goodman

Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen

Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise

Officer – Mike Myers

Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks

Master Bo – Ben Stein


Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)

(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)

(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)

Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!

(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)

Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!

Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?

(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)

Lick My Balls: hello, Ming

Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!

Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one

Ming: and then?

Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.

Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.

Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea

(Ming is astonished)

Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.

Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.

Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?

Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do

(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)

Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?

Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking

Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose

(next day)

(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)

Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?

Ming: ok

(Ming give them to Guard 1)

(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)

Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared

(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)

Guard 2: WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK!?

Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages

Guard 1: nasty

(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)

(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)

Guard 1: that’ll teach him…

(fade out)

(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)

(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)

Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession

Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well

(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)

Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…

Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!

(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)

Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around

(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)

(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)

Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?

Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan

Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye

(Master Tea runs away)

Fan: what is your name?

Ming: my name is-

(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?

(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)

Ming: my name is Ming

Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?

Ming: yes

Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?

Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like

Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!

(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)

Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!

Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?

Ming: ……..yes

Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though

Ming: oh

Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling

(Fan skips away)

(at night, in Fan’s room)

(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)

(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)

Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her

Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass

Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man

Fan: I’m not a man!

(Green Fox leaves)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)

Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!

Governor Pu: wow!

(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)

Governor Pu: Whoops

(Master Tea smacks his head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)

(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)

(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)

(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)

Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!

Ninja: shit

(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)

Ninja: hyaaa!

(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)

Ming: where did he go?

(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)

(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)

Ming: halt!

(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)

Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed

Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch

(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)

Ming: stop! You won’t get away!

Ninja (yelling): yes I will!

(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)

Ming: whoa

(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)

Ninja: ah! You biiitch!

(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)

Ninja: yaaah!

(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)

Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!

Ninja: die!

(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)

(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)

Ming: come back and fight!

(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)

Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!

Ming: what! I kill you!

(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)

(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)

(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)

Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!

(next day)

Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you

Ming: oh

(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)

Ming: Lick My Balls is here!

(at a table)

Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen

Lick My Balls: really?

Ming: I think I know who it is

Lick My Balls: who?

Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter

Lick My Balls: oh…

Ming: I’ll take care of it

(fade out)

(fade in)

Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu

Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon

Ming: ok

(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)

(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)

Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt

(at night)

(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)

Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?

Ninja: shit!

(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)

Lick My Balls: who are you?

Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!

Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?

Ninja: I didn’t!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)

Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)

Ninja: haha I lost him!

Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!

(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)

Ninja: aaah!

Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!

(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)

Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you

Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!

(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)

Ninja: aah!

Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!

Ninja: never!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Lick My Balls: say it!

Ninja: Lick My Ass!

Lick My Balls: that’s not it!

(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)

Ninja: go away!

(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)

(late at night)

(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)

Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!

(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)

Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!

(next morning)

Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!

Master Bo: yay!

(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)

Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!

(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)

Officer’s daughter: waz zat??

(Officer unravels the note on the dart)

Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties

(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)

Officer: we’ve got her!

(later, at the Port-a-Potties)

Green Fox: hiyaa!

(they all fight)

Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!

Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!

Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!

(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)

Officer: my balls!

(Officer dies)

Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!

(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)

(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)

Ninja: hiyaa!

(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)

Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!

(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)

Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!

(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)

(Lick My Balls riverdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!

(Ninja Ninja dances)

Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!

(Lick My Balls tap dances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!

(Ninja doesn’t move)

Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!

(Lick My Balls breakdances)

Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!

(Ninja square dances)

Ninja: ha! Square dance!

(Lick My Balls waltzes)

Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!

(Ninja freestyles)

Ninja: ha! Freestyle!

(Lick My Balls tangos)

Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!

(Ninja polkas)

Ninja: ha! Polka!

Lick My Balls: ew!

Ninja: what?

Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!

(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)

Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!

(Ninja Macarenas)

Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!

Lick My Balls: BITCH!

(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)

(Ninja bitchslaps back)

(they bitchslap each other over and over)

Ninja: die!

(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)

Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!

(next day)

(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)

Master Tea: who was this?

Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police

Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter

(Master Tea winks)

Master Bo: ok!

Ming: we can only wait now…

(fade out)

(fade in)

(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)

Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??

Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer

Fan: now, the whole police force will come!

Green Fox: like I give a crap?

Fan: you would!

Green Fox: would what?

Fan: give a crap!

Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?

Fan: go awayyyyy!!!

(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)

(later)

(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)

Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?

Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?

(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)

Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!

Fan: ….

(wavy lines)

Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan

(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)

(a man next to her is walking with his hands)

Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-

(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)

Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!

Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!

(Girl dies)

Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!

Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!

(everyone spreads out)

everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!

Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!

(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)

Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!

(in one second, 190 of the men die)

(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)

Low: mmh…smells pretty

Fan: MY PANTIES!!! GIVE THEM BAAAAAACCCK!!!

Low: come and get me!

(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)

Fan: Donkey! Hurry!

(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)

Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!

(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)

(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)

(they end up by a “river”)

Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here

(Low looks around)

Low: well, there was a river…

(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)

Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?

(Fan drinks the whole thing)

Fan: sick bastard

(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)

Low: ow!

Fan: give. Panties. Now!

Low: no!

(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)

(Low and Fan roll down a hill)

(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)

Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-

(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)

Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?

(Man shoots himself in the head)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a cave)

(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)

Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!

Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?

Low: I ate them

Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!

Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)

(wavy lines)

(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)

Low: see that mountain over there?

(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)

Fan: yes

Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…

Fan: oh

(wavy lines)

(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)

(wavy lines)

(wavy fade in to present)

Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married

Low: to who?

Fan: a man named Pou

Low: I kill him!

Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!

(Low brings out a little baggie)

Low: here’s your edible panties

(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)

(crying, Fan eats it)

(fade out)

(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)

(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)

(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)

(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)

(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)

(end)

 

Fur-Assic Park

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

(Old Grandpa is rocking in his chair, and has had enough of watching Fred and Alyssa beat on each other)

Old Grandpa: Hey! You two brats stop fighting! I’ll tell you another story if you stop fighting!

Alyssa: Shut up, you old geezer!

Fred: Yeah! We don’t wanna hear any of your stupid stories. That Anne Frank story didn’t even make sense!

(Old Grandpa gets up and whacks both of them with his cane in one swipe)

Old Grandpa: YOU STUPID KIDS! THAT STORY MADE SENSE! YOU TWO DUMBASSES ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THE PURE, GENUINE….stuff in that story!

(Old Grandpa sits back down)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you a story that will REALLY get you interested! And you’ll be able to relate to the story in many many ways! Its about dinosaurs-

Alyssa: Yay! Dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!

(Old Grandpa pokes Alyssa in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: not just any ol’ dinosaurs! These were dinosaurs with…furry asses!

Fred (with a dumb look on her face): whaauuuu…?

Old Grandpa: Don’t believe any of that hu-bub about dinosaurs! I’ll tell you the TRUTH about them!

Fred: because you lived among them?

(Old Grandpa threatens to swing at Fred, but puts his cane down)

Old Grandpa: yes, actually I was…! …I OWNED Fur-assic Park!

Alyssa: WHOOOAAAAA!!!! REALLY, GRANDPA!?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the face)

Old Grandpa: DONT SPEAK OUTTA TURN, BOY!

(Old Grandpa leans back into his chair rubbing his chin)

Old Grandpa: well, it all happened like this….

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and the scene changes to a dinosaur in labor, pooping out eggs)

(the dinosaur squeals have been translated to normal English, because I’m the author)

Dinosaur Mama: YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU TO USE A CONDOM! NOW LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! YOU BASTARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOUUU DID THIS TO ME!!!!

(Dinosaur Mama takes a swipe at Dinosaur Dada and misses)

Dinosaur Dada: I’m sorry hunney! Condoms weren’t invented yet!

Dinosaur Mama: DONT GIVE ME THAT “CONDOMS WEREN’T INVETED YET” MAMMAL SHIT! YOU’VE SEEN ALL THE OTHER-

(scene is interrupted and goes to Fred’s disgusted face)

Fred: NOT AGAIN! GRANDPA!

(Old Grandpa frowns)

Old Grandpa: all right all right! Basically, that’s how dinosaurs gave birth…”back then.” But then, some clatyclismic thingy happened, and they all died. THE BIRTH OF YOU TWO!

(Old Grandpa swipes at both of them with his cane, and they both get whacked in their faces)

Mom: You know that’s not right! Grandpa, tell the REAL story! They didn’t die because they were born! It was because YOU were born!

Old Grandpa (pointing the cane at Mom): Don’t give me that, Mom!

Mom: Oh no? Tell the real story, or I’ll kick you in your semen maker machine!

Old Grandpa: OH NO! Anything but the semen maker machine! Ever since my real, God-given machine stopped working, that’s been my lifeline!

(Mom gets closer to the black package that is by Old Grandpa on the floor)

Old Grandpa: OK OK OK!!! Fine, I’ll tell the REAL story…

(squiggly lines go again and the scene switches to night, with a cage overhead)

(a guy with a shotgun loaded with lollipops is staring at the cage as it comes down off the crane)

Security Guard 1: So, this is it?

Security Guard 2: Yes, it is…

Security Guard 3: LETS POKE AT IT!

(Security Guard 3 takes a cattle rod and starts poking at the thing inside of the cage)

(the thing inside turns around, and fur comes out of the bars)

Security Guard 2: OH NO! ITS TRYING TO ESCAPE! EVERYONE POKE AT IT AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS CORNERED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAGE!

(15 more security guards come along with cattle rods and start shocking it as well)

Security Guard 14: DIEE!!

(The thing inside doesnt move, and farts out green smoke, enveloping 9 security guards in its gaseous gas)

Security Guard 12: Oh my god! It smells…so bad!

(Another second passed, and the green smoke started to come back in the way it came, taking the security guards with it)

(Crocodile Dundee appears out of nowhere)

(the scene goes right back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: In case you don’t know what Crocodile Dundee is doing here, he’s the Park Warden, that I hired! I saw Crocodile Dundee goes to Los Angeles, and I just HAD to hire him for the job! He knows how to rassle a gator! ….I think…

(the scene goes back to Crocodile Dundee, and he runs to one of the Security Guards, holding him from being sucked in with the gas)

Crocodile Dundee: G’day! HOLD ON!!!

Security Guard 4: I CANT HOLD ON! ITS TOO STRONG! AHHHHH!!!!!! TELL MY KIDS THAT I LOVE THEM!

(Security Guard 12 flies past Security Guard 4 as he said that)

Security Guard 12: YOU DONT HAVE KIDS! AHHHH!!!

(Security Guard 12 disappears with a crunch)

Security Guard 4: Oh yeah…DONT LET GO!!! AHHH!!!

(Crocodile Dundee loses his grip, and Security Guard 4 disappears)

(Security Guard 4’s cattle rod falls to the ground by the cage, and the camera pans into it, zooming onto it, not going away, and stays there)

Old Grandpa: That was a sad day. I lost a few good men that day…NOT THAT I REALLY CARE! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! I DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY THEM! AND NO ONE SUED ME BECAUSE I WAS IN A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

(Old Grandpa laughs maniacally as the camera freezes on the cattle rod)

Old Grandpa: I’m such a bastard, aren’t I? Anywho, the next day….

(Crocodile Dundee is walking along)

Crocodile Dundee: La la la la……..I’m Crocodile Dundee. G’day mate!

(Younger Old Grandpa walks over to him, but he’s still pretty fuckin’ old)

Younger Old Grandpa: What the hell are you doin’! you’re supposed to be workin’, ya goddam Aussie! Yer lucky I hired you, or you’d be in your 10 dollar home in Australia saying “g’day mate, might I have a role in your movie so I can earn a living” all day!

(Crocodile Dundee gives him a thumbs up)

Younger Old Grandpa: Glad you understand!

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: what I didn’t know then, was that a thumbs up in Australia means “up yours!” THE NERVE OF THAT BASTARD! He’s piss poor, and he flicks me off…If he were still alive I’d kill him! Well, anyway, I invited 2 archaeologists, an actor, and some lawyer guy, along with my two, (very sarcastic, looking at Mom) LOVING……ADORING CHILDREN!

Mom: Its not my fault.

Fred: Your fault for what mommy?

Mom: your births…….just listen…

Old Grandpa: I also had 2 really really dumbass programmer guys running the whole fuggin park from the inside. They were Samuel L. Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld. Boy, I tell you. I really know how to pick’em…

(squiggly lines distort the screen, and go to Jerry Seinfeld’s face)

Jerry Seinfeld: hey sammy! sammy sammy sammmmmyyy

Samuel L. Jackson: what do you want?

Jerry Seinfeld: what do you get when you cross an elphant with a cocaine addict? A big snorter! Ahahaha

Samuel L. Jackson: what the hell you talkin ’bout, boy!? Are you dissin’ my MAMA?

Jerry Seinfeld: Why, I never heard of such accusations! except the time I was screwin’ yer mom up the ass last night! booya! I did your mom, how do you like THAT!

Samuel L. Jackson: that’s it! See hwo you like this!

(Samuel hits the enter key)

Jerry Seinfeld: what are you do–HEY! My Solitaire game! You stupid fuck! I’ll get you for this!

Samuel L. Jackson: yeah, what are you gonna do? Lock us out of the system, turn off all the power to the park and make us reset the whole thing while lots of people die in the process, including me?

Jerry Seinfeld: I was just gonna hire a clown to harass you, but that’s a pretty good idea. Let me tell you something. I eat chicken strips, but clowns these days are expensive.

(Crocodile Dundee comes in)

Crocodile Dundee: shut the hell up, the lot of you. Or I’ll G’day your asses all night.

Old Grandpa: What a lot of dumbasses. No wonder my theme park failed. Wsell, eventually, my guests wanted to know how everything in the park worked, so I put them into my tour…

(squiggly lines distort the scene again)

(Younger Grandpa steps before a big screen and on the screen, he comes out)

Younger Grandpa: why, hellooooo Grandpa!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: hello there!

Younger Grandpa: could I have a prick of your blood?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: shore! why not!?

(Younger Grandpa pricks the Grandpa on screen’s “finger” and then 2 more Younger Grandpa on Screens come out)

Younger Grandpa on Screen: oh! hello there!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 3: oh hello!

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: hoowww did you do it?

Younger Grandpa on Screen: I’ll tell you!

(Mr. Dna comes out of Younger Grandpa on Screen’s finger)

Younger Grandpa on Screen 2: oh! Mr. DNA! how are you?

Mr. DNA: YOU STUPID FUCK! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU FUCKED ME UP! YOU STUPID GENETIC-ALTERING BASTARD! YOU SCREWED GOD UP THE ASS WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING WITH ME! BIIIIIITTTCHHHAAAAA! FUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!

Younger Grandpa on Screen: how about you tell us what we did to you?

Mr. DNA: fine, you FUCK. What they did to me was take the DNA of a dinosaur and filled the holes with the DNA of a hairy hairy hairy Armenian! That’s where all the dinosaurs get all the hair from. Should have though that through, don’t you think?

Younger Grandpa: hmm….yes….

(goes back to Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa: Mr. DNA sure had a point. well, Mom and Mom’s Brother were walking along the T-Rex cage when Mom’s Brother decided to poke at him with a stick…

(the scene goes to an annoying looking kid poking the T-Rex in the leg with a long stick)

Mom’s Brother: ahhaha stupid T-Rex! Hahahah

(The T-Rex reaches over the cage and chomps him up in one bite)


Alternative scene for the T-Rex scene:Mom’s Brother: I wanna see the Fur-Rex!

Crocodile Dundee: fine, you stupid wanker. Everyone get into these trucks.

(the trucks go to the Fur-Rex pen)

(the Fur-Rex is lounging on a couch, drinking beer, watching football)

Mom’s Brother: Oh WOWWW! Its the Fur-Rex!!!

(the Fur-Rex looks over to Mom’s Brother for a second)

Mom’s Brother: ohhhhh my GOD! Its sooooooo coooool!

Fur-Rex: hey, kid. Shut the hell up.

Mom’s Brother: AHHHHHHH!

Fur-Rex: you stupid fuck! I’m watching the Rams getting the crap beaten out of them by the Vikings!

Mom’s Brother: whoooooo!

Fur-Rex: RAAARHH!

(The Fur-Rex charges the 10,000 voltage fence, and the scene switches to Jerry Seinfeld, just as he turns the power off)

Jerry Seinfeld: hehe! let me tell yo usomething. When I want to turn her off. I can REALLY turn her off. Ahahahaaha!

(a guy with a bass appears and starts playing the Seinfeld theme song as Jerry Seinfeld, with shaving cream in each hand runs around spraying it all around)

(scene goes back to Fur-Rex and the Fur-Rex breaks through the gate, roaring)

Fur-Rex: NOW you’re gonna get it, kid!

Mom’s Brother: ………………………………..HOLY SHIT!

(the kid runs out of the jeep and the T-Rex eats him)

Fur-Rex: HAAAAAA! Wait a sec…my TV isn’t working! This stupid Ford Explorer is the problem!

(the camera zooms in on “Fur-Assic Park” on the door, and then the Fur-Rex kicks it off a cliff that somehow wasn’t there before)

Fur-Rex: Nyah!


Old Grandpa (rubbing his chin, and talking sarcastically): I still can’t figure out where he learned how to do that…because I taught him to eat both of them up……..anyway that dumb annoying lawyer guy was taking a crap in the Stegosaurus’s bathroom, and the Stegos got pretty friggin’ mad and ate him.Old Grandpa: I told Crocodile Dundee he could go shoot any dinosaurs he wanted if the power was shut off by a rogue employee, because the dinosaurs were probably gonna kill us before we could blow our noses….or just everyone else, because I was going to get on a helicopter right away, and he chose to go kill the raptors, I guess.

(scene goes to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: shit. The powers out. That means the raptors are outside of their cages.

(scene goes to the Raptors, 4 of them, playing cards)

Betty Raptor: got any 3s?

Veronica Raptor: go fish

(scene switches back to Crocodile Dundee)

Crocodile Dundee: …time to hunt them.

(Crocodile Dundee takes out his ankle dagger, puts it in his mouth, holding it wwith his teeth, and takes a shotgun out of the closet and loads it)

(scene switches back to the Raptors)

Christina Raptor: go fish

Meany Raptor: god dammit! fuck you and your go fishing!

(Meany has half the deck and no cards on the table. She takes another one)

(all of a sudden Crocodile Dundee jumps out of nowhere onto the table, taking his knife out of his mouth)

Betty: what the hell?

Crocodile Dundee: time to die, WANKERS! I’m gonna G’DAY ya ALL!

Meany Raptor: Get him! He ruined our Poker game!

Veronica Raptor: I thought it was bridge!

Christina Raptor: I thought it was roulette

Betty: ummm…it was all his fault!

(the raptors charge Crocodile Dundee)

(the tree focuses on a tree past the scene)

Later On

 

(Crocodile Dundee is strapped to the table)

 

Crocodile Dundee: what are you gonna do with me wankers?

 

Meany: well, we decided that we’re gonna make you get us pregnant

 

(camera zooms in on Crocodile Dundee)

 

Crocodile Dundee: oh shit

 

Meany Raptor: and we have a 10% chance to actually get pregnant. Maybe less since you’re a stupid dumbass. That means, you’re gonna have to do each of us 10 times at least, which equals 40 times total…at least…

 

(Crocodile Dundee has his mouth gaping open)

(scene goes to the actor walking around with his hands in his back pockets)

Old Grandpa: As well as for that actor…….he lives, because he’s………..in the sequel……….but he doesn’t get off Scott-free!

Jeff Goldblum: hum dee dum dee dum! I’m Jeff Goldblum, and *I* suck.

(raptors come out of nowhere)

Jeff Goldblum: RAPTORS!

(the raptors take out his legs then run away, singing a Britney Spears song)

Jeff Goldblum: MY LEGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Old Grandpa: that’ll teach him to bring his fancy shmancy acting around MY parks! By the way, there was this one stupid stupid fat bastard that tried to steal my dinosaurs!

(scene goes to Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: dehe-hehheh…..i’m-a-gonna-steal-these’ms………

Old Grandpa: that stupid fat bastard! Never trust an actor that used to be on Seinfeld!

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: Yeeehaw!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld steals embryos and puts them in a shaving cream can)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: WHEEEEEEEE!

(Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld gets into a jeep and runs into a jungle gym)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: crap I lost my glasses!

(a lizard comes out from a tree)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: awww, lookit the cute little kitty…

(the lizard sprays black acid into his face)

Fat Guy That Was On Seinfeld: AHHH! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

(the scene cuts to Old Grandpa, and he’s laughing like crazy, evily)

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That’ll teach him to mess with Old Grandpa! Now I don’t remember what happened to Samuel L. Jackson…but I think he did a few things…hmm

(scene cuts to a Fur-Rex having sex with another Fur-Rex)

Fur-Rex: oh ya! oh yeah!

Fur-Rex 2: mmh! I love it! give me more

Samuel L. Jackson: Dinosaur sex sure is nasty

(Samuel L. Jackson takes a sip of a drink)

Samuel L. Jackson: but I surrreee do like it!

(Samuel L. Jackson smiles)

Old Grandpa: after Jerry Seinfeld sabotaged everything, I suppose he was driving kind of dangerously through the jungle or something.

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld driving a jeep dangerously going every whichway he feels like. Jerry is throwing shaving cream out everywhere)

Daddy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: what the hell is that guy doing? He’s putting all this shaving cream on my lawn. I know I need some, but this is ridiculous. Stupid kid. I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!

Mommy Little Poison Dinosaur Thing: get him Urv!

Urv: oh alright

(Jerry Seinfeld is driving maniacally now)

Jerry Seinfeld: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Urv jumps onto the hood)

Jerry Seinfeld: shit!

Urv: you bastard! you’ve gone too far!

(Urv crashes through the window and spits at Jerry Seinfeld)

Urv: patooey patooey!

Jerry Seinfeld: ewwwwwwwwww! ……………….it burns!

Urv: yeah, just wait till I whip out my wang!

(an unzipping sound is heard, as the camera gets a shot of the car zooming past a turn)

(and a crashing sound is heard)

(scene cuts going back to Urv’s wife Natasha, and Urv walks up to her)

Urv: hey Natasha, look what I found!

Natasha: what is it?

Urv: its a goozak dildo. I found it in my pants when I was beating that guy

Natasha: alright! now we can have sex and have babies.

Urv: it sucks when you’re the man of the house and you’re female. I don’t have no dong thing to do you with

(Natasha pats him on the shoulder)

Natasha: its ok, we have the goozak now. Strap it on.

(scene cuts to Natasha getting ass rammed by Urv. They have their skin that was around their neck up, and they’re both hissing like crazy. You couldn’t see it before, but under that skin stuff, there was a lot of hair, so they have really hairy necks….yeah…)

(a piece of poop is focused on, as little chicken-sized dinosaurs jump out from behind a pile of furry crap)

Old Grandpa: there were these little dinosaurs I taught to talk like college professors……..at least with their accents…

(the dinosaurs have English college professor accents)

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 1: Have you eaten your helping of crap yet, my dear good chum?

Chicken Sized Dinosaur 2: No, I haven’t chap, but I’m sure Denny has already spilled his dish over to mine…

(both of them look over to Denny)

Denny: what? Its not my fault they named an all-american food restaurant chain after me. Bah!

(the dinosaurs went back to eating their crap)

Old Grandpa: ah yes, it was fun talking with those guys, all they ever did was smoke and eat poop…….

Fred: I do that too!

Alyssa: me too!

(Old Grandpa raises an eyebrow at them)

Old Grandpa: what in tarnation? Anyway…..the scientists or achaeologists or whatever they are, were so smart they were stupid…

(scene cuts to the archaelogists)

Archaeologist 1: I found some eggs! They’re mating! OMG OMG OMG!

Furrasaur: hey! put down my breakfast, fag!

(Furrasaur swings his tail at Archaeologist and he flies away)

(later on, the archaelogists are back together or whatever…)

Archaeologist 1: ooh, look at this bone, its so old I think it may be well over 10 years old. Don’t you say?

Archaeologist 2: hmm, yes, but I do say that it does look like it was here before we were ever born

(both of them chuckle)

Old Grandpa: I don’t even know their names…

Archaeologist 1: why, what’s that over here?

(Archaeologist 1 climbs up onto a furry rock)

Archaeologist 2: I don’t know……try jumping up and down on it.

(Archaeologist 1 jumps up and down, up and down, anddddddddddddddddddd falls into the middle of it)

Archaeologist 1: well, I do say…I have been swallowed up by a dinosaur’s auss!

Archaeologist 2: might I have a look-see?

(Younger Old Grandpa pops out of nowhere)

Younger Old Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

(Younger Old Grandpa shoves Archaeologist 2 into the Fur-Rex’s ass as well)

Old Grandpa: what might have happened to Jerry Seinfeld, you might ask?

(scene cuts to Jerry Seinfeld with black stuff all around in his jeep)

Jerry Seinfeld: I’ve been spat on before, but nothing like this! And I thought my “routine” was bad because everyone in the room spat on me, but this is a real killer!

(Jerry falls onto the ground, looking around)

Jerry Seinfeld: where’s Samuel when you need him…?

(scene switches to Samuel L. Jackson riding a goat around the park)

Samuel L. Jackson: boy, isn’t this fun

(Ben Affleck on his goat, runs into Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s goat dies)

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’!

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: HEY

Ben Affleck: oh crap oh crap oh crap

Samuel L. Jackson: you fuck! you better give me a ride!

(Ben Affleck gets back onto his goat)

Ben Affleck: better luck next time!

Samuel L. Jackson: oh no you don’t!

(Samuel L. Jackson takes out a lightsaber and jumps into the air, slicing off the goat’s legs)

Ben Affleck: no! what’d you do! I have somewhere to go!

Samuel L. Jackson: you said better luck next time! Now I’m gonna take off each of your lims one….by….one……with my lightsaber

(Ben Affleck’s eyes widen as the lightsaber gets nearer to his face)

(meanwhile, the Ice Cream Man is waiting for Ben Affleck)

Ice Cream Man: hmm…well it looks like he’s not coming today

(the Ice Cream Man pushes away his cart, and gets into the ice cream truck and starts driving away into the jungle)

Fur-Rex: I smell ice cream!!

(the Fur-Rex jumps out of a tree and starts chasing the truck down the long path)

Fur-Rex: ICE CREAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!

(Ice Cream Man looks back)

Ice Cream Man (screaming like a girl): AIYEEEEE!!

(Ice Cream Man floors the gas pedal, but still doesn’t go that fast)

Fur-Rex: hey! where are you going?

(inside the truck)

Ice Cream Man: this’ll fend him off!

(Ice Cream Man plays the Ice Cream Man music)

Ice Cream Man: ahahahaa! DIE!

(but then more Fur-Rexs come out and start chasing him)

Ice Cream Man: ah crap

(later on, a few Fur-Rexs are sitting against the ice cream truck with chocolate all over their mouths, one has white stuff all over its mouth)

Fur-Rex: I thought there was only chocolate ice cream in the ice cream truck

Fur-Rex 3: well, the Ice Cream Man was white

Fur-Rex 2: you ate the ice cream man?

Fur-Rex 3: not exactly…

(the Ice Cream Man stumbles out of the truck with his pants at his ankles)

Ice Cream Man: what the HELL just happened?

(the other 2 Fur-Rexs look at Fur-Rex 3 with a weird look on their faces)

Fur-Rex 3: what? what’d I do?

Old Grandpa: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA……….hahahaha………….well that’s the story

Fred: but what happened to mom and the archaeologist and the actor?

Alyssa: yeah yeah what happened?!

Old Grandpa: Mom got pregnant and brought the worlds destruction upon us……(sarcastic now) THANK YOU MOM………the actor’s legs got better, hates Britney Spears, and is in the sequel to this movie, and the archaeologist were digested and thrown up through the mouth, eaten again, then pooped out, where they were eaten again by the English college professor accented chicken sized dinosaurs and then crapped out again, in which they were eaten by bacteria…I don’t know what happened then, because it was 24 years since then, and now I’m here telling a story to some stupid children…time for bed!

(Old Grandpa knocks them out again)

(end)

 

Anne Frank: Not Remembered Too Well

(scene fades in with an old grandpa sitting on a comfy chair)

(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)

Old Grandpa: Now, now, Fred, Alyssa! Be nice! I’m trying to dream about me and what Viagra does to me!

(Fred and Alyssa stop beating each other up, and look at the old grandpa)

Fred: Shut up, you old geezer!

Alyssa: yeah! or I’ll change my name to Jessica!

(no one says anything for 10 seconds)

Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you spoiled brats a story, if you shut your damn traps!

Fred: What’s it about?

Old Grandpa: If you sit your skinny little boney asses down in front of me, I’ll tell it to you!

(Fred and Alyssa sit down in front of Old Grandpa)

Old Grandpa (starting to rock back and forth in the chair): now then….which story to tell…

Fred: That’s not a rocking chair grandpa…

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred in the head with his cane)

Old Grandpa: I’M ROCKING IN THE DAMN CHAIR, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A ROCKING CHAIR! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OR NOT!?

Fred (rubbing her head): sorry grandpa…

Old Grandpa: ok…have you heard the story of Anne Frank?

Alyssa (shrugging and has a weird look on his face): Anne Frank? Frank as in hot dog?

(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the ribs, and Alyssa rubs his ribs)

Old Grandpa: Frank is not a hot dog. Frank is Anne’s last name. Let’s see now…where to begin. I guess the beginning is good….

(the scene is distorted as Old Grandpa, Fred, and Alyssa disappear, being replaced by a scene in a hospital, with Anne’s mother screaming, and Anne’s father holding her hand)

Mr. Frank: BREATHE! BREATHE!

Mrs. Frank: YOU BASTARD! I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO USE A CONDOM?! DIDNT I!? DIDNT IIIIII?!?! I CANT BELIEVE-

(the scene cuts back to Fred’s face)

Fred: ewwww! Don’t talk about that, grandpa! That’s really nasty!

(Old Grandpa, poke’s Fred in the ribs)

Old Grandpa: eh! WHO’S TELLING THE STORY HERE? Fine, I guess you kids are too young for that part anyway…

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin)

Old Grandpa: now…Anne was in her house with her parents. And she was smack dab in the middle of a World War. I forget which one, since they were both alike. They were against the Nazis. We won. But I’m getting ahead of myself

(the scene wiggles around, going to Anne)

Old Grandpa: Anne loved to read, and write. Too bad she didn’t know how to do either!

(Anne was taking a pencil and scribbling stuff down into her secret diary)

Old Grandpa: She had her own secret diary. Full of little things that she copied from other books. Since she couldn’t read or anything like that, she had trace the words into her diary, and one by one, she tossed them all in a sentence, writing it down on a piece of paper, and made it sound like crap, even though she didnt know what she was saying.

(the camera angle goes down, so you can see Anne’s secret diary)

Old Grandpa: On the secret diary, were such nonsense sentences such as, “The kitty rolled down the hill, then Jack climbed a bean stalk.” As you can see, Anne was a retard when it came to reading and writing. Don’t ask her to go to school, because she has no legs either-

(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa and the kids)

(the camera pans up, looking at Fred and Alyssa’s mom)

Mom: Grandpa, that’s not how the story goes. Anne had legs!

Old Grandpa: baaa! Fine…she really did have legs…but they were actually made of big green globs of-

Mom: Grandpa…….

Old Grandpa: OK OK…fine…she had regular legs. And pretty nice ones-

Mom: GRANDPA!

Old Grandpa: CANT I DREAM OF A LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL IN MY LAP?!?

Mom: Grandpa, tell the story right!

Old Grandpa: ok ok ok ok! Did I mention Anne was flat-chested?

Mom: Grandpa, if you do that one more time, no more applesauce for you–EVER!

Old Grandpa: no more applesauce? You cruel cruel daughter.

(Old Grandpa rubs his chin again)

Old Grandpa: Anyway…

(squiggly lines again, and it goes back to Anne writing stuff in her book)

Old Grandpa: Anne DID have legs…but she didnt know how to use them, since she was chained up in a box all day. Except when they sent her outside, because they didn’t want to feed her. As you can tell, they didn’t like Anne very much. But the main reason they couldn’t feed her was because they were piss broke. And their main source of money was renting out their older daughter out to weird people, and use her however they pleased….

(you hear Old Grandpa licking his lips)

Old Grandpa: anyway…umm…her father was a hobo, and a pretty damn good one at that! He got at least 5 dollars where ever he went. And his mom didn’t work because all she does is stay home and clean their house. Now, you see how lucky you guys are to be living in this time period where it was actually better. Anyway…Anne was sent outside of her room one day…

(the camera is outside looking at the house from outside. The door opens, and Mr. Frank throws Anne outside the door)

Mr. Frank: –and don’t come back until you get a penny!

Anne (rolling on the ground): Okay dada!

Mr. Frank: STOP CALLING ME DADA!

(Mr. Frank slams the door closed, and the camera pans around Anne, looking in front of her. People are going around sticking each other in car exhaust pipes, and eating car bumpers. Its not a very pretty scene…)

(a crippled girl on stilts makes her way to Anne)

Cripple Girl: hey Anne. How are you?

Anne: I’m fine. How about you?

Cripple Girl (putting her hands on her hips): oh, I’m just crippled as usual!

(Anne and the Cripple Girl start laughing for no apparent reason, Anne is rolling around on the ground because it is “so funny” to her)

Ballerina Man: HELLO! I’M A BALLERINA!

(Ballerina Man jumps around from roof to roof across the street)

The Punisher: I HATE ballerinas!

(The Punisher takes out a shotgun, aiming it at the ballerina man, and shoots out 300 shells, as the ballerina man is jumping around)

Ballerina Man: HAHA! You missed me!

(Ballerina Man jumps again, and twists his knee when he lands, falling onto a clothesline, unraveling off of where it was hanging, wrapping around his neck 3 times, choking him to death, as he fell to the ground, breaking his back, “opening up a can of spinal fluid” when he landed, lynched)

The Punisher: nasty.

Old Grandpa: annnnyyway….back to Anne. Anne and the Cripple Girl were great friends. That was, until the Germans made all the Jewish people put yellow stars on their clothes. Cripple Girl didn’t like yellow, and it was sooooooooo last year’s color. Cripple Girl never talked to Anne again….partly because she was attacked by a Siberian tiger that broke her neck by falling out of the sky. Don’t ask why it was raining tigers that day.

(Anne runs up to Mr. Frank, tugging on his shirt sleeve)

Anne: Dada dada! Can I have a new shirt?

(Mr. Frank backhands Anne)

Mr. Frank: NO! You know the rules! Only one shirt for each member of the family! We can’t spend money on CLOTHES…puh!

(Mr. Frank scratches his balls, turning away from Anne)

Mr. Frank (talking to Mrs. Frank): I ran out of ridiculously expensive Winnie the Pooh merchandise that cost more than clothes. I’m going to go buy some more.

Old Grandpa: as you can see, from that, Mr. Frank wasn’t a very good accountant, or knew very well how to manage his money for that matter. He was a complete dumbass.

(Anne is walking out of her house)

Anne: no money, no clothes……what am I living for? I’m a girl for Christ’s sake!

(an army of Nazi soldiers marching through the town)

Nazi Soldiers (chanting, as they are marching): NAZI-NAZI-NAZI-NAZI

(Anne frowns at them)

Anne: I don’t like Nazis, they make me wear last years color!

(Anne picks up a rock and throws it at the commander……………which happens to be Hitler…)

Hitler: UF! (curses in German)

Cripple Girl (walks by Anne): oooh! You really did it now! He’s gonna genocide your asses now! teeheeeheehee!

(Cripple Girl runs away laughing, but is tackled by an uninflated tire, falling down and cracking her skull in half)

Anne: uh oh!

(Anne runs back into the house)

Anne: dada dada dada! I threw a rock at Hitler!

Mr. Frank: You stupid bitch! He’s gonna send us into concentration camps now!

(Mr. Frank beats Anne)

Mrs. Frank: how could I raise such a stupid bitch? Now we’re gonna be slaves for the rest of our lives and never see each other again!

(Mrs. Frank beats on Anne too)

Anne’s Older Sister: yay! We’re never gonna see each other again!

Mr. Frank (growling at Anne’s Older Sister): shouldn’t you be WORKING or something!?

Anne’s Older Sister: yes, sir……

(Hulk Hogan knocks on the door)

Hulk Hogan: OFFICE DEPOT! COME OUT WITH YOUR WINNIE THE POOH MERCHANDISE, OR WE’LL BLOW SHIT UP!

Mr. Frank: SHIT! ITS THE OFFICE DEPOT!

(cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: It was the Gestapo, Grandpa…or the Green Police, that went around getting Jews and junk! You know that!

Grandpa (rubbing his chin): oh yeah……silly me (rolls his eyes)

(back to the front door of Anne’s house, outside)

Hulk Hogan: looks like I’m gonna have to use my…guns….

(Hulk Hogan nods as he pulls his sleeves up, flexing his arms)

Green Police Man 1: Oh yeah, Hulk Hogan is the man!

Hulk Hogan: ain’t I?

(Hulk Hogan punches through the door)

Hulk Hogan: BOOOMMMMMMM!!!

Mr. Frank: RUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But leave Anne here.

(everyone except Anne runs upstairs, jumps through the windows or into the sink)

Dr. Dentist: AYE AYE!

(Green Police Man 2 shoots Dr. Dentist with his gun)

Green Poilce Man 2: stupid idiot…

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Anne! I love you!

(Green Police Man 3 takes a lit menorah and lights him up)

(Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy does a “Home Alone scream” as he burns)

(other miscellaneous people all of a sudden run around the house)

Green Police Man 4: AHAHAH!

(Green Police Man 4 is shooting everyone he can get)

Green Police Man 4: I don’t like Jews, cause Hitler said so!

Green Police Man 5: RELEASE THE BEARS!

(Green Police Man 5 releases the bears……)

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo-boo buddy! Let’s geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet outta this joint!

Boo Boo Bear: Okay Yogi, I’m with you!

(Yogi and Boo Boo do a “character running starting thing” and run away)

(Hitler pops out of the bushes with a mallet and whacks Yogi and Boo Boo in the head)

Hitler: (in German) that’ll show those bears! Stealing the picnic baskets, costed them bastards a costly lesson! Ahahahahah!

(Hulk Hogan pokes at Hitler, whispering into his ear)

Hulk Hogan: This is supposed to be an English movie

Hitler: Oh I’m sorry, since I’m GERMAN and all, I got TOO into my role….just don’t forget who YOU are, Hulk Hogan, and who I am, which is Jerry Springer!

(the people randomly running around all stop and look at them, waving their fists in the air, chanting)

People (chanting): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Hitler: I think I’ll have my view now, you cannae do this to me, I AM JERRY SPRINGER! THE ULTIMATE TALK SHOW HOST AND USED CAR SALESMAN!

(Hulk Hogan rolls his eyes)

Hulk Hogan: we all know your jobless. Get a job. You’re no more better than a stay-at-home mom changing her panties!

(Hitler bitchslaps Hulk Hogan)

Hitler: GRR!!!

(Hitler and Hulk Hogan get into a wrestling match)

(scene cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)

Mom: Grandpa…..I’m warning you. I don’t want to have to starve you to death….

Grandpa: I don’t even know why I’m telling this story! I’m just going to get into trouble…..what a way to treat your elders……..can I just end it now?

Mom (fluttering her hand): ok, go ahead and finish it how you want.

Old Grandpa: thank you……………………….(shakes his head sarcastically)

(the scene is distorted again, and its in outer space)

Alien: oop opp erkkk! (translation: WE GONNA CRASH, BITCH!)

(other Aliens run around screaming “oop opp erkkk!” as well)

Old Grandpa: It just so happens that the spaceship crashes in the middle of wherever the heck they were, and blew everything up, so in the end we won. That’s that.

Fred: Won what?

Old Grandpa (sighing): the WAR, what do you THINK!

Alyssa: What happened to Anne Frank?

Old Grandpa: That’s a very good question…

(Old Grandpa thinks of something, and a thought cloud comes out of his head, and he looks at it, smiling)

Old Grandpa: eheh……well……I kinda popped out of her trunk, and………………saved………..her………………….yeah, that’s it…………..but it was in my earlier days, when I could actually walk

(Old Grandpa scratches his head)

Old Grandpa: isn’t it time for bed?

(Old Grandpa whacks Fred and Alyssa in the head with his cane and they pass out)

(end)


Credits:Old Grandpa: Sylvester StaloneFred: Mariah Carey

Alyssa: Steven Segal

Fred and Alyssa’s Mom: Roseanne

Anne Frank: Mike Tyson

Cripple Girl: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ballerina: Charlie Sheen

Punisher: Michael J. Fox

Mrs. Frank: Rosie o’ donnell

Mr. Frank: Bruce Lee

Green Police Man 1: Taco Bell Chihuahua

Green Police Man 2: Bob Sagat

Green Police Man 3: Oscar De Lahoya

Green Police Man 4: James Vanderbeek

Green Police Man 5: Emilio Estevez

Adolf Hitler: Jerry Springer

Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Macauly Culkin

Bears: Yogi Bear, Boo Boo Bear

Dr. Dentist: Tom Cruise

 

The Poyfect Storm

(there are 2 ships coming in from fishing all month)

(Sosie, the girl captain on the other boat picks up her CB Radio transmitter thingy and talks into it)

 

Sosie: wheee!! how u doin George?

 

(George, the other guy on the the other ship that is the captain of it picks up the CB radio transmitter thingy in his ship)

 

George: fart!

 

Sosie: oh, dont be mad, just cause i got about……..50 times more fish than you!

 

George: nyak! we only got a few sardines. we had more bait than what we caught!

 

Sosie: well, thats not my fault…

 

George: ACTUALLY, IT IS! YOU KEPT HONKING THAT STUPID FOG HORN WHILE WE WERE FISHING AND BUMPED INTO OUR BOAT!

 

Sosie: well…..poop!

 

(George and Sosie’s boats come into the harbor)

 

(later, at the office of the Fish Master…)

 

Fish Master (jaw dropping): only a few sardines George? man…..you just S-U-C-K

 

George: yeah, i know…..but this time, i’m going back out and getting some fish! lots o’ fish!

 

Fish Master: grr……you better! or i’ll be using you as bait!

 

(later at the bar…)

 

Dick: hey, Honey, lets go have sex upstairs and come back later!

 

Honey: alright!

 

(they go upstairs)

(next day…downstairs)

 

Dick: hey, george whats happening?

 

George: do you, fat head, toughy and jumpy wanna go on a fishing trip of our lives?

 

Dick: HELL YEAH! Lets go!

 

Honey: dont go!

 

Dick: forget you!

 

Honey: blah blah blah

 

Dick: yadda yadda yadda! i’m going, u cant make me not go

 

Honey: fine, go kill urself

 

(in a lab somewhere in the middle of Arizona)

 

scientist guy: whoa! look at that storm thingy off the coast of Massachusetts!

 

assisstant: oh, wow, thats neat….

 

scientest guy: you could be a meteorologist your whole life and never see anything like this…

 

assisstant: but…you already saw it….

 

scientist guy: …….oh yeah…..this should be called……….The “Poyfect” Storm!

 

(poyfect storm echoes)

(meanwhile, on the boat)

 

George: ooh! we have a quarter of a million dollars worth of fish! oh, look a storm! lets go into the middle of the 3 storms i see there and risk our lives to get the fish home in time!

 

fat head: uhh……

 

George: LETS GO!

 

(later)

 

jumpy: ack! water!

 

toughy: bah! this is noth- ::dies::

 

fat head: barrellss!!!!!

 

Dick: pirates!!

 

George: ICE CREAM!

 

jumpy: chocolate syrup!

 

(jumpy squirts some chocolate syrup on everyones ice cream)

(jumpy jumps over the side)

 

jumpy: gotta save the dead fish!

 

fat head: the fish are below deck!

 

jumpy: ……uh oh…..::dies::

 

George: Oh well! I’m the main star! i cant get killed!

 

terroist: hahahah! i rigged the ship and it is set to blow! you’re all gonna die!

 

fat head: oh no!!!! save the fish!

 

(fat head tosses some fish over the side)

 

Dick: nooooo! what are you doing?!?

 

fat head: ….saving the fish….::tosses another one over:: goooo! save yourself!!

 

(a shark pops up and eats the fish)

 

fat head: gulp! there are sharks here!

 

(Dick pushes fat head over the side and fat head gets eaten)

(a pirate appears at the top of the mast on the ship)

 

pirate: water, ho!

 

George: WATER!?! more water?!?

 

(George runs around in circles flailing his arms everywhere)

 

terrorist: ACK! i’m allergic to water!

 

(a tidal wave comes and makes the terrorist fly in the air and plop into the water, screaming, and dies)

(Dick stands on his head)

 

Pirate: nooo!! ::jabs himself with his sword and falls over into the water::

 

George: hmm……

 

(George looks around and shrugs)

 

George: poof!

 

(end)

 

 


 

CREDITS:

 

all the guys that died were extras and we dont care about him

 

george: george clooney

 

Dick: norm mcdonald

 

fat head: roseanne

 

jumpy: Mr. Kangaroo Trainer at the LA Zoo

 

toughy: Arnold Schwarzenegger