(scene fades in with an old grandpa sitting on a comfy chair)
(a girl named Fred and a boy named Alyssa are beating each other up)
Old Grandpa: Now, now, Fred, Alyssa! Be nice! I’m trying to dream about me and what Viagra does to me!
(Fred and Alyssa stop beating each other up, and look at the old grandpa)
Fred: Shut up, you old geezer!
Alyssa: yeah! or I’ll change my name to Jessica!
(no one says anything for 10 seconds)
Old Grandpa: I’ll tell you spoiled brats a story, if you shut your damn traps!
Fred: What’s it about?
Old Grandpa: If you sit your skinny little boney asses down in front of me, I’ll tell it to you!
(Fred and Alyssa sit down in front of Old Grandpa)
Old Grandpa (starting to rock back and forth in the chair): now then….which story to tell…
Fred: That’s not a rocking chair grandpa…
(Old Grandpa whacks Fred in the head with his cane)
Old Grandpa: I’M ROCKING IN THE DAMN CHAIR, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A ROCKING CHAIR! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OR NOT!?
Fred (rubbing her head): sorry grandpa…
Old Grandpa: ok…have you heard the story of Anne Frank?
Alyssa (shrugging and has a weird look on his face): Anne Frank? Frank as in hot dog?
(Old Grandpa whacks Alyssa in the ribs, and Alyssa rubs his ribs)
Old Grandpa: Frank is not a hot dog. Frank is Anne’s last name. Let’s see now…where to begin. I guess the beginning is good….
(the scene is distorted as Old Grandpa, Fred, and Alyssa disappear, being replaced by a scene in a hospital, with Anne’s mother screaming, and Anne’s father holding her hand)
Mr. Frank: BREATHE! BREATHE!
Mrs. Frank: YOU BASTARD! I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME PREGNANT! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO USE A CONDOM?! DIDNT I!? DIDNT IIIIII?!?! I CANT BELIEVE-
(the scene cuts back to Fred’s face)
Fred: ewwww! Don’t talk about that, grandpa! That’s really nasty!
(Old Grandpa, poke’s Fred in the ribs)
Old Grandpa: eh! WHO’S TELLING THE STORY HERE? Fine, I guess you kids are too young for that part anyway…
(Old Grandpa rubs his chin)
Old Grandpa: now…Anne was in her house with her parents. And she was smack dab in the middle of a World War. I forget which one, since they were both alike. They were against the Nazis. We won. But I’m getting ahead of myself
(the scene wiggles around, going to Anne)
Old Grandpa: Anne loved to read, and write. Too bad she didn’t know how to do either!
(Anne was taking a pencil and scribbling stuff down into her secret diary)
Old Grandpa: She had her own secret diary. Full of little things that she copied from other books. Since she couldn’t read or anything like that, she had trace the words into her diary, and one by one, she tossed them all in a sentence, writing it down on a piece of paper, and made it sound like crap, even though she didnt know what she was saying.
(the camera angle goes down, so you can see Anne’s secret diary)
Old Grandpa: On the secret diary, were such nonsense sentences such as, “The kitty rolled down the hill, then Jack climbed a bean stalk.” As you can see, Anne was a retard when it came to reading and writing. Don’t ask her to go to school, because she has no legs either-
(scene cuts back to Old Grandpa and the kids)
(the camera pans up, looking at Fred and Alyssa’s mom)
Mom: Grandpa, that’s not how the story goes. Anne had legs!
Old Grandpa: baaa! Fine…she really did have legs…but they were actually made of big green globs of-
Old Grandpa: OK OK…fine…she had regular legs. And pretty nice ones-
Old Grandpa: CANT I DREAM OF A LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL IN MY LAP?!?
Mom: Grandpa, tell the story right!
Old Grandpa: ok ok ok ok! Did I mention Anne was flat-chested?
Mom: Grandpa, if you do that one more time, no more applesauce for you–EVER!
Old Grandpa: no more applesauce? You cruel cruel daughter.
(Old Grandpa rubs his chin again)
Old Grandpa: Anyway…
(squiggly lines again, and it goes back to Anne writing stuff in her book)
Old Grandpa: Anne DID have legs…but she didnt know how to use them, since she was chained up in a box all day. Except when they sent her outside, because they didn’t want to feed her. As you can tell, they didn’t like Anne very much. But the main reason they couldn’t feed her was because they were piss broke. And their main source of money was renting out their older daughter out to weird people, and use her however they pleased….
(you hear Old Grandpa licking his lips)
Old Grandpa: anyway…umm…her father was a hobo, and a pretty damn good one at that! He got at least 5 dollars where ever he went. And his mom didn’t work because all she does is stay home and clean their house. Now, you see how lucky you guys are to be living in this time period where it was actually better. Anyway…Anne was sent outside of her room one day…
(the camera is outside looking at the house from outside. The door opens, and Mr. Frank throws Anne outside the door)
Mr. Frank: –and don’t come back until you get a penny!
Anne (rolling on the ground): Okay dada!
Mr. Frank: STOP CALLING ME DADA!
(Mr. Frank slams the door closed, and the camera pans around Anne, looking in front of her. People are going around sticking each other in car exhaust pipes, and eating car bumpers. Its not a very pretty scene…)
(a crippled girl on stilts makes her way to Anne)
Cripple Girl: hey Anne. How are you?
Anne: I’m fine. How about you?
Cripple Girl (putting her hands on her hips): oh, I’m just crippled as usual!
(Anne and the Cripple Girl start laughing for no apparent reason, Anne is rolling around on the ground because it is “so funny” to her)
Ballerina Man: HELLO! I’M A BALLERINA!
(Ballerina Man jumps around from roof to roof across the street)
The Punisher: I HATE ballerinas!
(The Punisher takes out a shotgun, aiming it at the ballerina man, and shoots out 300 shells, as the ballerina man is jumping around)
Ballerina Man: HAHA! You missed me!
(Ballerina Man jumps again, and twists his knee when he lands, falling onto a clothesline, unraveling off of where it was hanging, wrapping around his neck 3 times, choking him to death, as he fell to the ground, breaking his back, “opening up a can of spinal fluid” when he landed, lynched)
The Punisher: nasty.
Old Grandpa: annnnyyway….back to Anne. Anne and the Cripple Girl were great friends. That was, until the Germans made all the Jewish people put yellow stars on their clothes. Cripple Girl didn’t like yellow, and it was sooooooooo last year’s color. Cripple Girl never talked to Anne again….partly because she was attacked by a Siberian tiger that broke her neck by falling out of the sky. Don’t ask why it was raining tigers that day.
(Anne runs up to Mr. Frank, tugging on his shirt sleeve)
Anne: Dada dada! Can I have a new shirt?
(Mr. Frank backhands Anne)
Mr. Frank: NO! You know the rules! Only one shirt for each member of the family! We can’t spend money on CLOTHES…puh!
(Mr. Frank scratches his balls, turning away from Anne)
Mr. Frank (talking to Mrs. Frank): I ran out of ridiculously expensive Winnie the Pooh merchandise that cost more than clothes. I’m going to go buy some more.
Old Grandpa: as you can see, from that, Mr. Frank wasn’t a very good accountant, or knew very well how to manage his money for that matter. He was a complete dumbass.
(Anne is walking out of her house)
Anne: no money, no clothes……what am I living for? I’m a girl for Christ’s sake!
(an army of Nazi soldiers marching through the town)
Nazi Soldiers (chanting, as they are marching): NAZI-NAZI-NAZI-NAZI
(Anne frowns at them)
Anne: I don’t like Nazis, they make me wear last years color!
(Anne picks up a rock and throws it at the commander……………which happens to be Hitler…)
Hitler: UF! (curses in German)
Cripple Girl (walks by Anne): oooh! You really did it now! He’s gonna genocide your asses now! teeheeeheehee!
(Cripple Girl runs away laughing, but is tackled by an uninflated tire, falling down and cracking her skull in half)
Anne: uh oh!
(Anne runs back into the house)
Anne: dada dada dada! I threw a rock at Hitler!
Mr. Frank: You stupid bitch! He’s gonna send us into concentration camps now!
(Mr. Frank beats Anne)
Mrs. Frank: how could I raise such a stupid bitch? Now we’re gonna be slaves for the rest of our lives and never see each other again!
(Mrs. Frank beats on Anne too)
Anne’s Older Sister: yay! We’re never gonna see each other again!
Mr. Frank (growling at Anne’s Older Sister): shouldn’t you be WORKING or something!?
Anne’s Older Sister: yes, sir……
(Hulk Hogan knocks on the door)
Hulk Hogan: OFFICE DEPOT! COME OUT WITH YOUR WINNIE THE POOH MERCHANDISE, OR WE’LL BLOW SHIT UP!
Mr. Frank: SHIT! ITS THE OFFICE DEPOT!
(cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)
Mom: It was the Gestapo, Grandpa…or the Green Police, that went around getting Jews and junk! You know that!
Grandpa (rubbing his chin): oh yeah……silly me (rolls his eyes)
(back to the front door of Anne’s house, outside)
Hulk Hogan: looks like I’m gonna have to use my…guns….
(Hulk Hogan nods as he pulls his sleeves up, flexing his arms)
Green Police Man 1: Oh yeah, Hulk Hogan is the man!
Hulk Hogan: ain’t I?
(Hulk Hogan punches through the door)
Hulk Hogan: BOOOMMMMMMM!!!
Mr. Frank: RUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But leave Anne here.
(everyone except Anne runs upstairs, jumps through the windows or into the sink)
Dr. Dentist: AYE AYE!
(Green Police Man 2 shoots Dr. Dentist with his gun)
Green Poilce Man 2: stupid idiot…
Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Anne! I love you!
(Green Police Man 3 takes a lit menorah and lights him up)
(Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy does a “Home Alone scream” as he burns)
(other miscellaneous people all of a sudden run around the house)
Green Police Man 4: AHAHAH!
(Green Police Man 4 is shooting everyone he can get)
Green Police Man 4: I don’t like Jews, cause Hitler said so!
Green Police Man 5: RELEASE THE BEARS!
(Green Police Man 5 releases the bears……)
Yogi Bear: Hey Boo-boo buddy! Let’s geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet outta this joint!
Boo Boo Bear: Okay Yogi, I’m with you!
(Yogi and Boo Boo do a “character running starting thing” and run away)
(Hitler pops out of the bushes with a mallet and whacks Yogi and Boo Boo in the head)
Hitler: (in German) that’ll show those bears! Stealing the picnic baskets, costed them bastards a costly lesson! Ahahahahah!
(Hulk Hogan pokes at Hitler, whispering into his ear)
Hulk Hogan: This is supposed to be an English movie
Hitler: Oh I’m sorry, since I’m GERMAN and all, I got TOO into my role….just don’t forget who YOU are, Hulk Hogan, and who I am, which is Jerry Springer!
(the people randomly running around all stop and look at them, waving their fists in the air, chanting)
People (chanting): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Hitler: I think I’ll have my view now, you cannae do this to me, I AM JERRY SPRINGER! THE ULTIMATE TALK SHOW HOST AND USED CAR SALESMAN!
(Hulk Hogan rolls his eyes)
Hulk Hogan: we all know your jobless. Get a job. You’re no more better than a stay-at-home mom changing her panties!
(Hitler bitchslaps Hulk Hogan)
(Hitler and Hulk Hogan get into a wrestling match)
(scene cuts back to Fred and Alyssa’s Mom)
Mom: Grandpa…..I’m warning you. I don’t want to have to starve you to death….
Grandpa: I don’t even know why I’m telling this story! I’m just going to get into trouble…..what a way to treat your elders……..can I just end it now?
Mom (fluttering her hand): ok, go ahead and finish it how you want.
Old Grandpa: thank you……………………….(shakes his head sarcastically)
(the scene is distorted again, and its in outer space)
Alien: oop opp erkkk! (translation: WE GONNA CRASH, BITCH!)
(other Aliens run around screaming “oop opp erkkk!” as well)
Old Grandpa: It just so happens that the spaceship crashes in the middle of wherever the heck they were, and blew everything up, so in the end we won. That’s that.
Fred: Won what?
Old Grandpa (sighing): the WAR, what do you THINK!
Alyssa: What happened to Anne Frank?
Old Grandpa: That’s a very good question…
(Old Grandpa thinks of something, and a thought cloud comes out of his head, and he looks at it, smiling)
Old Grandpa: eheh……well……I kinda popped out of her trunk, and………………saved………..her………………….yeah, that’s it…………..but it was in my earlier days, when I could actually walk
(Old Grandpa scratches his head)
Old Grandpa: isn’t it time for bed?
(Old Grandpa whacks Fred and Alyssa in the head with his cane and they pass out)
Credits:Old Grandpa: Sylvester StaloneFred: Mariah Carey
Alyssa: Steven Segal
Fred and Alyssa’s Mom: Roseanne
Anne Frank: Mike Tyson
Cripple Girl: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ballerina: Charlie Sheen
Punisher: Michael J. Fox
Mrs. Frank: Rosie o’ donnell
Mr. Frank: Bruce Lee
Green Police Man 1: Taco Bell Chihuahua
Green Police Man 2: Bob Sagat
Green Police Man 3: Oscar De Lahoya
Green Police Man 4: James Vanderbeek
Green Police Man 5: Emilio Estevez
Adolf Hitler: Jerry Springer
Pimplefaced Fruitcake Boy: Macauly Culkin
Bears: Yogi Bear, Boo Boo Bear
Dr. Dentist: Tom Cruise