#23303: davepoobond -> Soup Nazi

davepoobond: 7_0

Soup Nazi: Anime face

Soup Nazi: fucker

davepoobond: =)

davepoobond: that was actually in a url

Soup Nazi: this is the best face ever

davepoobond: it looked like a face

Soup Nazi: get ready, it’s pretty awsome

davepoobond: U_U

Soup Nazi: >:|

Soup Nazi: This should be a recognized AOL smile >:| because it’s awsome

Soup Nazi is away at 11:31 AM

 

Girls on Dating Sites

This entry is part 9 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I sometimes scour the internet for all things hilarious.

More recently, that includes dating sites — especially for choice quotes.  My God, what a treasure trove I have stumbled upon — and I only look at the girl’s profiles.  I have yet to even try to look at what guys say and do on sites like Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, etc.  However, having a decent exposure to these web sites and the people that tend to be on them, I have formulated theories about what these girls actually say (or do) on them.

A lot of times, they just say the same things.  I think we can establish that there’s a few things that girls say or do on dating sites that is either really telling or just doesn’t need to be mentioned on their profiles.  And you would think that guys would be bad — yeah, well girls are bad too!

– The girl is “Looking to have fun.”

She is looking to have sex.

– Her profile is blank and only has pictures.

She is looking to have sex, and pretty much just relying on her “sexy” pictures to get guys to message her.  Never mind having a personality or even beating around the bush — she just wants her bush to get beaten directly.  And have as very little effort as possible in doing so.

This also covers people who basically make no statement of who they are/what they do/anything that would actually make you be interested in who they are as a person.  It’s great if you’re “friendly” but I have no idea what that tells me about you.

– “I don’t have time to fill this out right now.”

I don’t see how anyone cares that you need to state that you don’t have time to fill this out “right now.”  It just shows their lack of effort, especially since they never seem to update their profile to remove the statement.  There really is just no point in having the statement at all — if they omitted it, nothing would be lost.  I don’t care you didn’t have time to fill it out a month ago when you established your profile — what’s happened to the time since then?  “Right now” seems like a very long time.

– She has a picture of her leaning down with her boobs/ass hanging out.

She is probably looking for sex, or to “reel you in” with her main picture so that you can click on her profile.  You can’t really see her face, all you see is boob, and that’s what gets guys to click it.  Then you realize the horrible truth that she’s unattractive 9 times out of 10.  The same goes for any other “provocative” shots they might have uploaded.

– Boobs, boobs, and more boobs.

Nothing screams out to me “I’m trashy” more than when girls have 8 pictures of themselves on their profile squeezing/positioning their boobs in such a way that misappropriates their actual size/shape and makes them more “sexually pleasing.”  The best thing about it is that they say “I’m looking for a man that likes me for me” (or some broken English variant of that) and they accompany that forlorn statement with trashy boob pictures.  Have we found a dichotomy?  I think so.

– Self-camera shots.

Hardly a “dating site” problem, but the overwhelming majority of pictures seem to be a “hey look at what kind of camera I have” mirror shot.  And most have cleavage anyway.

– Girls that complain about “guys that are shirtless”

The only reason a girl complains about seeing a guy shirtless is because they don’t appeal to them.  They say it anyway because most of the guys they look at are probably fooling them just like their boobs are fooling guys just as badly.  We all know that they actually like looking at topless dudes as long as they are hot, despite what they say.

– Pictures with friends

It’s nice to see that girls have friends, I guess.  What can be annoying is when there’s a group of her friends (how nice that she has friends), but apparently she doesn’t deem it necessary to say “Hey, I’m that one.”  I guess the intent here is to confuse people looking at their profile into thinking they are actually the “hotter” one when in reality they might not (aka aren’t) be.

– Pictures with “other guys”

I don’t know what they’re trying to prove by putting up pictures of them with “other guys.”  I think they’re trying to say something like “hey, I can get any guy I want” but in reality they don’t seem like they can.  At the very least it would carefully off-put at least some of the people that look at their pictures for whatever reason they might have.  If they’re going to put up pictures of them on a dating site with other dudes they might as well date that guy before trying their luck on a dating site.

– They say they are sarcastic, but don’t seem to understand what that means.

A lot of girls like to say they are sarcastic or like sarcasm.  But they do little to demonstrate that they actually know what it means or how they are supposedly “sarcastic” all the time.  Obviously there are some that know what it is, means, and can actually be described as such.  But most aren’t.

– They are a “nerd.”

Everyone is a damn nerd.  No, you are not a nerd because you have a laptop and are studying for a test.  In fact, many of the people who say they ARE nerds, list nothing that actually qualify as such.  Very seldom do you see anyone actually say they “are” a nerd when they actually are one.

– Horrendous spelling.

I’m sure guys are just as bad, but how can I possibly love anyone that leaves out random letters from the beautiful language we call English?  This is just one example of the travesty you can find:

“u r probably wonder why i dont look prettier like thee other girls tlk to but jus to tell u unlike most of the girls i got things going for myself nd GOD made me to b the way i am for my future so begore u start meassing me sayin im not ya type or im ugly save both of our time and do us both a fav and dont message me with tht bs!!”

Case in point.  Or should I say… cse n pnt

– That’s proooooobably a tranny…

A lot of times you might find a girl that… looks a little bit off.  Sometimes they go right out and say “I am transgendered/transsexual” or “I am NOT a tranny.”  I suppose I feel sorry for the latter, being that people THINK they are transsexual and ask them repeatedly enough that it has to be listed on the profile.

– Overweight is the new “thin.”

This doesn’t happen a whole lot, but there’s a certain segment of crazies out there that like to lie about their body type.  I mean, really?  I can see your picture.  You are not thin or “average” — you are at the very least “overweight” or “few extra pounds.”  Don’t try to pass yourself off as Average body type when you are obviously not.  I suppose I can be lenient and say that since most people nowadays are overweight, you could be classified as “average.”  However, there are a couple of cases where that is really just not the case.

– They complain about getting a lot of messages… but then they want you to write a paragraph in your message to them.

I get that girls probably get tons of messages from guys, especially if they are seemingly-attractive.  It sort of seems counter-productive that they complain about getting tons of these messages, but want you to “say something more than ‘hi’.”  However, this is a double-edged sword — I’m sure all of the people that they would actually want writing “more than hi” to them don’t need to in order to get a response from them.  Not to mention I’m sure that the guys on these sites aren’t very high quality either.

– Awful piercings/tattoos/make-up.

99% of the time when girls have any of the above, they make themselves look terrible.  And then we get close up shots or stupid “pucker face” pictures with their stupid double-cheek piercings.  Not saying that all girls look unattractive with certain piercings/tattoos/make-up, but just that most of them think they look better than they actually do when they show that stuff off.  Most of that stuff will just make me question their sanity.

– “This is my _th time on here”

Sorry it didn’t work out for you before, but that just makes me think you’re either incompatible or you have a propensity to attract weirdos and allow them to meet you or get personal with you to the point you need to delete your profile to get rid of them.

In the end, there’s only one thing that comes from all of the exposure to single, lonely girls looking for companionship/”fun” (aka sex)/friends.  And that is that I become depressed that there are so many stupid people who don’t know how to write, take pictures, or realize that their weird double cheek piercing is not attractive.  There is a genuine sense of sadness when seemingly nice people are looking for their “right one” and don’t seem to have been able to so far, but those are few and far between — considering most dating sites are littered with people I would never want to associate with, let alone letting them know I saw their profile.

 

Famous Faces

Famous people put on a lot of makeup on to hide their big, fat, juicy zits.

A lot of celebrities give out phony autographs made by con-men.

Con-men might act and dress up like famous people.

Everyone is trying to touch a famous face for no necessary reason!

Some people act like phony con-men disguised as a famous face.

 

T-bone slap

T-bone slap – n. a type of slap where you take a T-bone steak and slap them in the face

;} v. to slap someone with the tip of your penis, with a forward motion as to blindside them.  Kind of like a car crash but with a penis and a face.

;} n. the act of slapping someone with the tip of your penis in a forward motion, as to blindside them.

 

 

Am I an Introvert or an Extrovert?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Answer the next 10 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.

I would find it more fun to:

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The sports I like best are (mark the answer that includes the most sports you like):

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If I knew the answer to a question my teacher asked and no one else seemed to, I would:

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In the last year I have made:

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The people I admire most are:

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I would rather:

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I would dislike most:

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When I am asked questions that I know the answers to, I:

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In group activities I am:

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If my class were divided into two groups, with half the class the most outgoing kids and the other half the least outgoing, which would I be in?

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Total up how many of each Introvert and Extrovert answers you’ve selected.

If you’ve chosen more answers that are marked as Introvert, then you’re a loner.  Get some friends.  Or play volleyball.

If you selected more answers that are marked as Extrovert, then you’re an asshole.  You might want to keep yourself a little contained, you try-hard.

If you chose more of the third answer in this quiz, then you are either extremely lame or really really crazy.

 

School Absence Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected from schools all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father id gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

 

Joke #18396

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”