Marmafluke, Where Are You?

(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs.  SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend.  CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)

(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…

Marma-Marmafluke!
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!

We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
So, Marmafluke…
Be ready, you big ass
GREAT DANE
and don’t fucking be bisexual.

(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)

TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook

SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!

(Fade out.  Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)

SLAGGY
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”

(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)

MARMAFLUKE
Hmm… yes… humorous…

(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!

MARMAFLUKE
Now, that is totally uncalled for!

SLAGGY
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.

(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, it’s not my fault…!

(Marmafluke glares at the camera)

MARMAFLUKE
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?

(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground.  They’re really dirty and sweaty.  Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)

DAFTKNEE
CRED!  Why are WE doing all the work?

FELMA
Cred, this isn’t very fair.

CRED
My ascot is on too tight.  You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.

(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)

CRED
Felma — Double D…

FELMA
WHAT!?!?

CRED
Oh!  Nothing!

(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)

SLAGGY
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.

(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)

(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes.  There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?

(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)

DEFTKNEE
I’m too tired to dig anymore.

CRED
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.

(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)

Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.

(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)

FELMA
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.

(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)

DAFTKNEE
Oh shit!

(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her.  3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices.  Some is draining out of his nose, too.  It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)

CHER
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??

FELMA
Wow!  It’s Sonny and Cher!

CHER
Sonny is dead.

CRED
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.

CHER
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.

(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)

MARMAFLUKE
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…
green tea…

(Slaggy is smoking a joint)

SLAGGY
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!

MARMAFLUKE
Right… shall we?

(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)

CHER
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!

FELMA
Sunny is in love?

CHER
NO!  He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!

DAFTKNEE

(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)

MARMAFLUKE
Ah, I see you’ve finished unceremoniously burying my brother.

DAFTKNEE
Rest in piece, you piece of shit.

(Daftknee spits on his grave, but due to a sudden jet stream it lands on Sonny’s grave)

CHER
You — DO YOU BELIEVE! — BITCH!!!

(Cher and Daftknee get into a cat fight)

CRED
Oh baby!

(Cred writes into his notebook)

CRED (mouthing quietly)
Daftknee — purple underwear…

(Daftknee and Cher stop fighting for a second)

DAFTKNEE
WHAT the HELL!?

(Daftknee gets slapped hard, and she starts fighting with Cher again)
(Meanwhile, the spit on Sunny’s grave starts glowing)

MARMAFLUKE
My God!  You didn’t spit on a dead man’s grave, did you!?

DAFTKNEE
So what if I did!?

(Sonny pops out of the grave)

SONNY
Hey guys!  I’m alive!

MARMAFLUKE
Bloody hell!  A ZOMBIE!!

(Everyone screams then runs away.  Cred drops his notebook, and Marmafluke happens to trip over it.  Marmafluke grabs the notebook and runs away again)

SONNY
Where’d everybody go?  Hey, wait!

(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over.  A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)

MARMAFLUKE
Daftknee!  Look what I found!

(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)

DAFTKNEE
This is Cred’s!  I wonder what he was writing in here…

(The notebook stated the following:)

DAFTKNEE
C-cup
Purple underwear
10 inch-wide ass

FELMA
DD-cup
No underwear
Nice skirt
Allows anal sex

MY MOM
Experienced
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs

MARMAFLUKE
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong

(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)

DAFTKNEE
Oh my God!  That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.

(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)

MARMAFLUKE
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…

(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)

DAFTKNEE
Cred!  YOU’RE DEAD!

(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door.  He looks over to Daftknee)

CRED
Oh, shit.  She found the notebook.

(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time.  Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing.  Their noses are practically falling off)

CHER
I love — IN LOVE! — you.

(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)

CHER
I’m going to the — AFTER LIFE!! — light!

SONNY
Me too, again…

MARMAFLUKE
Man, you wankers sure are annoying.

(End)

 

waterbury

waterbury – v. to bury someone in water.  This is usually used to essentially put someone in a casket inside of a glass aquarium, and into the ground.  The glass aquarium may or may not be covered in dirt.  An inventive way to be buried until the glass breaks and you stink up the whole cemetery with your stupid idea of being buried in water.

 

Silly Signs

Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.

Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.

Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn

Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.

Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!

Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.

Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.

– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.

– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.

Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.

Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.

Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.

Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.

Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!

Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!

Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!

Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.

Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.

Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.

Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.

– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.

– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust.  Everyone else we audit.

– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.

– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.

– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.

– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.

– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.

– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.

– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.

– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.

– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf.  We just heard everything worth hearing already.

– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies.  They can’t even lick stamps.

– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.

– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave.  This is only the calm before the swarm.

– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.

– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came.  We saw.  We conjured.

– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution.  Fowl language spoken here.

– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.

– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.

– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.

Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.

Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.

Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.

Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.

– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.

– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down

– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.

Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.

– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.

– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.

– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.

– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.