FAQ About Australia

These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

The Stereotypical Australian Yobbo

(Note – I’m not stereotyping all Australians as yobbos with this sort of profile as I know most Aussies aren’t yobbos as I’m a true blue Aussie myself, this is just a pisstake of the stereotypical beer drinkin’ footy lovin’ yobbo which I totally exaggerated for the fun of it)

The stereotypical yobbo (also known as an ocker):

Appearance:
1 – fat with a huge beer gut
2 – really hairy
3 – around 40 years old
4 – butch chubby face with stubble hair
5 – short black oily dirty hair
6 – has a plumber’s crack when sitting on a stool in a pub
7 – smells like a combination of fart, shit, piss, sweat, cigarettes and beer
8 – wears an akubra hat with corks dangling off it or an old fishing hat with badges and fishhooks lodged in it
9 – wears an old black or navy blue extra large shearer’s singlet with holes in it and reeks of sweat
10 – wears a brown pair of King Gee stubby shorts or a pair of green stubby footy player’s shorts with yellow stripes going down one side
11 – wears a pair of old worn out thongs on his feet which have wear holes in the heels
12 – wears an old checkered flannelette jack, worn out jeans and steel-cap boots during winter
13 – has dirty black fingernails that’s encrusted with dirt and grease
14 – has dirty nicotine stained choppers
15 – has a few tattoos
16 – has a REALLY thick slurred Aussie ocker’s accent

Habitat:
1 – lives in the outback with a lot of bush around on the outskirts of some old hick town
2 – his house is an old 1950s fibro house with a rusty tin roof and is infested with rats, mice, roaches, ants, spiders, termites, dust mites, mozzies and flies
3 – the interior of his house smells like a combination of stale fart, cigarettes, sweat and beer and has beer cans and cigarette butts all over the floors on old ruddy carpet plus bits of half-eaten meat pies on the lounge room floor
4 – the exterior of his house has gardens full of weeds, grass that is 1 metre tall, rusty car parts and other junk piled up all over the front and backyard, and a few smelly rotten dead animal carcasses lying here and there near the house
5 – has an old termite infested wooden shed with a rusty tin roof made of beer cans
6 – has a large pond with a tractor tire tube floating on it so he can lay on it and get a sun tan

His stuff:
1 – an early 1970s HQ Holden Kingswood ute that is full of rust and has ripped up vinyl seats and has enough room in the back tray for 16 pisstank yobbo pub mates or 50 slabs of beer, which is his transport whether it be driving to the local pub, work or the footy, or to transport his yobbo pub mates or slabs of beer
2 – a rusty tin water tank with bird shit floating on top and is connected to the water mains, this is his drinking water
3 – a really 50 year old extremely dirty outdoor backyard thunderbox dunnycan that pongs of shit and piss and hasn’t been emptied in 25 years and the cast iron seat is infested with crabs and encrusted with crusty shit stains, the ideal place for him to go if he’s outside and really busting to go
4 – a rusty old 1950s Victor lawnmower with only one mower blade, so he can mow the grass once in a blue moon
5 – a tattered old couch that is ripped up so he can sit back and relax while watchin the footy
6 – a 1970s colour TV set that is 63cm and has a half worn out picture tube and rotary controls so he can watch footy and cricket on it
7 – an early 1980s VCR so he can tape the footy and cricket while he’s at the local pub
8 – a 1950s valve radio that crackles so he can tune to 2KY and listen to the Melbourne Cup after betting at the TAB
9 – a rusty old 1960s washing machine that’s full of pubic hair so he can wash his singlets and stubby shorts in it
10 – bedroom with a rotten old bed infested with flees and termites
11 – a wardrobe full of dirty clothes
12 – a kitchen with a sink full of really dirty dishes that haven’t been washed in 2 weeks
13 – a grimy old 1950s refrigerator so he can store his slabs of beer and pre-cooked meat pies in it
14 – an extremely dirty 1970s microwave that is encrusted with mouldy bits of meat pie so he can cook his meat pies in it
15 – bathroom with a dunny that rarely gets flushed and has crusty stains down the bowl and skid shit trails going down the pipe
16 – an old shower with lime and crap clogged in the shower head so he can take a shower once in a blue moon
17 – an old slimy bathtub with a rusty plug hole so he can brew his homemade beer in it
18 – a rusty razor blade and a rough cake of Solvo soap so he can shave his face
19 – a cattle dog named “Bluey” that barks 24/7
20 – a whole pile footy and porno magazines and Footrot Flats comics
21 – an old brown half deflated footy so he can kick it around when he’s shit-bored
22 – an old fishing rod with rusty fishing tackle so he can go fishing and the rusty hooks give fish tetanus
23 – a big collection of old country rock records including Slim Dusty’s big hit pub song “I Like To Have A Beer With Duncan” plus a collection of Cold Chisel albums
24 – an esky sitting beside the tattered couch so while he’s watchin the footy and he’s thirsty he can pull out a stubby without getting off his lazy arse

His lifestyle:
1 – drinks slabs and slabs of beer especially of these brands: VB (Victoria Bitter), Fosters Lager and Toohey’s Draft
2 – eats LOTS of meat pies with tomato sauce
3 – smokes Winfield cigarettes
4 – has a bunch of pisstank yobbo pub mates
5 – often farts and belches
6 – congratulates his farts by going “YAHHH THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!” when he does a really loud smelly one
7 – is racist and a chauvinistic pig
8 – loves to chant “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!” when he’s at the footy even though both footy teams are Australian and there’s no foreign team playing
9 – worships footy and cricket as a religion and the stadium is his church
10 – when he’s at the footy he loves to throw half eaten meat pies and beer cans at the footballers of the opposing team
11 – has a shower once a month
12 – shaves once every 2 months
13 – is really constipated and shits once every 4 days
14 – usually hangs out at the local pub and gets shitfaced with his pisstank yobbo pub mates and tells a bunch of lies
15 – has a job as a sheep shearer which earns him enough money to buy his beer and pies and tickets to the footy and cricket and extra to throw a bet at the TAB
16 – never brushes his teeth
17 – watches lots of footy and cricket on TV and shows like “The Footy Show” and “Totally Footy” and “Wired World Of Sports”
18 – his idols is Richie Benaud (the cricket commentator), Paul Hogan (famous Aussie icon) and John Hopoate who plays for Sydney Tigers (also known as ‘brownfingers’ as he’s shoves his fingers right up footballers dates)
19 – is a chronic swearer
20 – is a lazy bludger and tells people to piss off when they ask him for favours
21 – likes to drive his pisstank yobbo pub mates around in his Kingswood ute
22 – loves to play ocker games with his mates such as pissing competitions in the bloke’s dunny at the back of the pub seeing who can piss the highest and hit the ceiling or have a beer and pie comp who can sink the most slabs of beer and down the most trays of meat pies
23 – changes his jocks once a month
24 – never washes his hands after picking his nose or picking the lint from his plumbers crack

 

Australia: Beware of the Dingos

The dingos are getting closer. I’ve been running from them for about a month now. everywhere I turn there is a dingo. Dingo, dingo, dingo…I don’t know where I am. I must be near a river, because I can hear water running. Maybe if I get in the river I could wash off this horrible stench of rotting flesh. Earlier today I killed a boar and rolled around in its entrails, hoping to smell like a boar, not dingo food. As you have probably guessed, it didn’t work. I can’t even describe what I smell like now, all I know is: Dingos eat boards, too.

I’m in a tree. It’s morning and I woke up in a tree…How could I–what was that sound? It sounded like a…baboon? No, baboons aren’t in Australia…are they? I wish I had my nature book…it sounds…a bit like a dog, actually–of course! How could I forget I am being hunted by a pack of dingos? Now I remember…I climbed the tree to be safe for a night. I wonder if I can just stay up here…? No, the dingos must have picked up on my trail by now. I must move on. If i can get into a town, I will be safe. The dingos are getting closer, I must make a decision: stay in the tree, or make a run for it. There is no use staying in this tree all day, so I must run as fast as I can.

Its about noon, I think. I found the river, so I’m safe for not. the dingos can’t swim. As soon as I am rested, I will move on at a leisurally pace. Now that I am on the other side of the river, I have nothing to fear.

 

Situations It Would Suck to Be In

By Nose:

– A badger is in your pants. Those mofo’s have sharp claws.

– On stage naked when you have to urinate. People could lose their careers this way.

– Bitchslapping Mike Tyson…cover your ears!

– Having a pencil up your ass

– Standing in a pile of hippo crap. You’ve seen how much they eat. Can you imagine standing in the crap of an animal who eats aobut 400 pounds of food a day.

– If you’re a guy. Never walk into a gay bar with no pants. Some people don’t wait until they get home.

– Don’t wear butt tight pants when you go to the beach. When you have a stiffy, people are gonna know.

– Making love to a gorilla. Some of those animls weigh 2000 pounds.

– Doing doggy style to a dog. Think where that thing has been.

By Holmes:

– Bending over in a Prison Shower Room…Welcome to Anal Penetration 101, your going to feel like your shitting backwards.

– In a Port-o-potty while it’s rolling down a hill…the toilet is going to be shitting on you

– Drinking Coca-Cola in a Pepsi plant…HOW COULD YOU!

By The typical Aussie bloke:

– Taking a shit in a really old outback dunnycan that hasn’t been washed in 50 years. Imagine all the crabs on the dunny seat and the crusty shit stains ewwwwwww!!!

– Being tackled by John Hopoate during a Rugby League footy match. You know what John (BROWN FINGERS) Hopoate likes to do to footy players on the opposite team, especially when they are wearing really stubby footy shorts!

– Being a beer swilling yobbo at a local pub that has no beer. Yobbos can’t survive without beer!

– Thrown in a prison cell with nothing but a “Richie Benaud’s Autobiography” book. Now THAT’s boring!

– Being a little Aussie kid chanting “USA! USA! USA!” at the Melborune AFL Aussie Rules footy match. I guess the kid has been watching too much Simpsons episodes and doesn’t know that the Australian chant is “Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi Oi Oi!!!”

– Some bastard pulling a prank on you by putting dark gooey shit to an empty Vegemite jar and passing it off to you as Vegemite. When you spread it on toast and eat it you’ll be chucking up in the dunny.

– Being the janitor cleaning a passenger jet after a shitfaced footy team has been on it. When a footy team gets pissed on a few slabs of VB, they will not care where they decide to hang a piss so there will be urine flowing down the aisle of the plane.

– Getting smacked hard in the K-nackers with a cricket ball when playing cricket with your mates. OWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL that would hurt!!!!! Cricket balls are SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!!!

– Having a wedgy up your bumcrack while you’re in the bloke’s change room. All the blokes would think you’re wearing a G-string.

– Some bugger filling the tray of your Holden Kingswood ute with polyfiller. You won’t be able to transport any beer slabs or your pisstank yobbo pub mates around.