And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Category Archives: (C) Religious Jokes
Joke #21833
A priest and a rabbi were walking down the side walk.
On the other side of the street they see a 12 year old boy.
The priest says “Lets go fuck him.”
The rabbi looks for a minute and then says “Out of what?”
Joke #21208
Q: What do you get when you mix a crucifix and a dresser?
A: A cross dresser.
Joke #21162: What the Monks Didn’t Know…
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
“You see, there are the originals,” said the first monk. “All the new scrolls were copied from these.”
“Can I see one?”
“Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom–” All of a sudden, the monk’s face turns white and he falls to his knees.
“What? What does it say?”
“Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!”
Joke #20870
Q: What do you call a very religious potato?
A: A medi-tater.
Joke #18738
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
Joke #18735
Bill Gates my father is not.
As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”
While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.
Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”
Joke #18733
Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor.
He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”
Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”
Joke #18729
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home.
That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, “We’re Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass.”
“Were Jewish,” said another child. “And we’re going to have a Hanukkah celebration.”
Madison chimed in, “We’re Texans, and were going to have a barbecue.”
Joke #18711
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?”
Jerry answered, “Dad says, ‘Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s three dollars a pound!'”
Joke #18682
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation. Read together, it said, “May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From Mary Blevin.”
Joke #18672
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, “Your daughter will be 17 inches long,” to which Reynoldo replied,
“Do you know the weight too, San Jose?”
Joke #18665
A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes!
He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!”
“Not really….” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”
Joke #18650
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.
“Jake, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”
Jake hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
“Is Dracula a Lutheran?”
Joke #18647
The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room.
The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, “You know, I’ve been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!”