Born In a Flower

Recently it’s rumored a baby was born inside a giant daisy flower. He was wearing a tuxedo and top hat singing various 70s songs. Now this is very interesting. If this is true we could make more of medicine or money. Nah! Let’s just cut them down and make big factories that pollute. However the child was said to be very intelligent as a new born. He knew how to sing and dance. This baby even knew how do complicated math. Is he the next genius? We’ll find out. Now I would like to state that nobody heard or reported this story. Then again no one told us this didn’t happen so were assuming it did. Quite clever. When interviewed this child said the following…

“The press just creates your image, but you alone create it.”

By this we’ve realized he’s a very confused little boy. Nobody in show business makes who themselves. They pay people to do it for them. He’s got a lot to learn! Judging by the sun dial on my spectacles, this story has got to print.

 

Giant Apes Take Over Mars

“Extra Extra read all about it, Giant Apes take over Mars.”

According to Mr. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat this will be the headline in the year 3065. Cream-eata-daz-low-fat claims he made this prediction by reading a crossword puzzle upside down without his glasses. Although the predictor was not thinking at this time and had just hit himself in the head with a tree while summersaulting down a snowy hill we take this into consideration. I mean what if apes took over Mars and made it a great place to live. Also what if they became our friends and helped up with all our problems. We can’t stand for it! How do you expect up to let this happen? According to an eight-year-old we must do the chciken dance to stop these apes. So let us chicken dance. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! We shall chicken dance like no tomorrow. We shall have problems and not solve them. It’s the right thing to do. Now I’ve got a report with cobwebs all over it that Disco is..OVER! NOOOOO! I’ve got to go!

 

Opera Song

I’m in an opera, it’s really grand. But members of chorus constently get canned. To be gone for good, to work no more. That’s the way we like it and we never get bored!

Chorus: Never get bored! Never get bored! That’s the way we like it, and we never get bored!

It’s all because of the opera managor she runs us crazy like were wild bores. She keeps us fat, but we have to stay in shape, I guess I can say I hate that dumb ape.

Chorus: We hate that dumb ape, we hate that dumb ape, I guess we can say we hate that dumb ape!

We work so hard but we never get a break. I can’t even have a brown or a slice of cake.

Chorus: Work so hard, work so hard, we can’t have a brownie or a peice of cake.

Should I stay to do the show or should ye go. I heard it was good show, but I play a hobo.

Chorus: Should we stay or should we go. Should we stay or should we go. Let’s go!

 

I Drive You Crazy

Parody of “You Drive Me Crazy,” by Britney Spears

—————————-

Baby

I’m so into you

But your not the only one

That I’ve ever screwed

Baby

You spin me around

My hair extentions

Fall right to the ground

 

Everytime you look at me

I do my shimmy

And you start to flee

 

Loving you means so much more

But its not as fun to me as being a whore

 

*chorus*

I drive you crazy

You just cant sleep

I’m so annoying

And, I’m such a geek

Oh crazy

I wear clothes too tight

Baby thinking of me

Keeps me busy all night

 

You tell me

I look like a goat

And I cant even

Reach a high note

 

Dont tell me

You wanna be free

Just cuz my make-up

Is done all shitty

 

Loving you means so much more

But its not as fun to me as being a whore

 

*chorus repeated*

 

Crazy

I’m so confused

I’m such a ditz

And I have fake boobs

 

Crazy

But they feel alright

Every day and every night

 

*chorus repeated*

 

Wild Wild Pest

Wild Wild West where is all the rest?

This movie’s such a bore.

There’s gotta be some more!

There ain’t no Rough Riders,

Will Smith has got to be a liar.

What’s with that girl they found in the bird cage?

She shouldn’t be rescueing her hubby at her age.

She said he was her Daddy, no hes’s not!

She ain’t worth me fightin that mad man’s robots.

Did you see the mad man messin wit me?

You can tell the whole tale is done all cheesy!

I really hate the Wild Wild West, yeah I really hate it!

Now who ya gonna call?

Not the AMCs!

Now who you gonna call?

Maybe Chuckie Cheez?

No one’s gonna play the movie.

Except this lame brother named Louie, writing this song!

Break out before you get bumrushed at the (Wild Wild West)

Wild Wild West where is all the rest?

This movie’s such a bore.

There’s gotta be some more!

There ain’t no Rough Riders,

Will Smith has got to be a liar.

To be continued….

 

Buy, Buy, Buy

We’re doing this for spite

‘Cuz Backstreet’s lookin’ for a fight

We’ll sell with all our might

Hey, bring the money!

 

We’ll sell with out delay

And greatly increase our pay

So now it’s time to lay,

Down and reel in the dough!

 

I know I’ve seen you at the store

It ain’t no lie

I wanna see you out that door

With our stuff buy, buy!

 

BUY, BUY!

 

We get lots of money just to sing for you

The name of this game’s called revenue

Buy our CD’s

And it ain’t no lie

Common, buy, buy, buy!

 

I’m sorry if we seem a little tough

But that many zeros are not enough

Give us money please

And it ain’t no lie

Common, buy, buy, buy!

 

OK don’t be really tough

Just go out and buy our stuff

Especially the posters

‘Cuz we’re buff!

 

I know we are wealthy

But it’s just not enough you see

‘Cause we are really greedy

Dusk till dawn

 

We’ve got money but we want some more

It ain’t no lie

N*SYNC’s salaries blow sky high

When you buy, buy, buy!

 

BUY BUY!

 

We lip-sync to get lots of money from you

The name of this games’s called revenue

Buy our CD’s

And it ain’t no lie

Common, buy, buy, buy!

 

Sorry if we seem a little tough

But 10 billion dollars is not enough

Give us money please

And it ain’t no lie

Common, buy, buy, buy

 

BUY BUY BUY BUY!!!

 

We Just Can’t Sing

Parody of “I Want It That Way,” by the Backstreet Boys

———————————-

Are we annoying?

Because we cant sing

We dont sound that bad

But its true we’re just a fad

We all know we lip-sync, its true

We use vocal editing

Cuz we cant sing

That backstreet boys hate N’sync

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a heartache

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a headache

Tell me why

I never wanna here you say

We all sound the same way

Who put da’ house on fire?

It was Nick!

Man your such a liar

Just forget it, we all know we can’t sing

But we’re makin’ money *cha-ching*

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a heartache

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a headache

Tell me why

I never wanna here you say

We all sound the same way

Now I can tell that you think we can’t sing

Can’t sing very good at all, yeah

But, hey!  Guess what? You’re probably right

But at least I went out wit’ Britney

Last night

I think we’ve made our point

That we cannot sing

We cant, we cant, we cant, we cant

Dont wanna hear you say…

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a heartache

Tell me why

I’m givin’ you a headache

Tell me why

I never wanna here you say

We all sound the same way

 

Mombo 4.9

Parody of “Mambo #5,” by Lou Bega

————————–

Ladies and gentlemen

This is Mambo 4.9 by Lou Bega!

 

One, two, three, four, five.

Everybody in the car, so come on.

Let’s ride to the Cracker Brrol around the corner,

The boys say they want some apple juice

But I really don’t want some.

 

Tummybusty like it was last week

I must eat and sleep cause talk is cheap.

I like brownies, cakes, cookies, and pitas,

and as I continue you know they’re are getting sweeter!

 

 

So what can I do I really hungry and you my Lord

To me eating it’s just like sport.

Anything fried, it’s all good let me eat it

please let me have the crumpet.

 

 

 

A little bit of turkey on Thanksgiving.

A little bit of gravy with some trimmings.

A little bit of butter, but not to much.

A little bit of salt adds the perfect touch.

A little bit of ketchup in my neighborhood.

A little bit of mustard is always good.

A little bit of sugar is oh so sweet.

A little bit of syrup is something you can’t beat.

 

 

Mambo 4.9

 

Eat in now, I don’t care, it’s just a cow!

Eat it now that foul! Yeah!

Put a bite in.

Take one bite left.

Take one bite right.

One to the back and one to the side.

Bite the food once.

Chew the food twice.

And if it tastes real good

then your eating it right!

 

 

 

A little bit of turkey on Thanksgiving.

A little bit of gravy with some trimmings.

A little bit of butter, but not to much.

A little bit of salt adds the perfect touch.

A little bit of ketchup in my neighborhood.

A little bit of mustard is always good.

A little bit of sugar is oh so sweet.

A little bit of syrup is something you can’t beat.

 

 

Crumpets.

CRUMPETS!

Mambo 4.9

 

 

A little bit of turkey on Thanksgiving.

A little bit of gravy with some trimmings.

A little bit of butter, but not to much.

A little bit of salt adds the perfect touch.

A little bit of ketchup in my neighborhood.

A little bit of mustard is always good.

A little bit of sugar is oh so sweet.

A little bit of syrup is something you can’t beat.

 

 

I do all to eat all this.

A stomach ache is worth the risk.

Cause this food is just so good!

 

 

A little bit of turkey on Thanksgiving.

A little bit of gravy with some trimmings.

A little bit of butter, but not to much.

A little bit of salt adds the perfect touch.

A little bit of ketchup in my neighborhood.

A little bit of mustard is always good.

A little bit of sugar is oh so sweet.

A little bit of syrup is something you can’t beat.

 

The Sewer Farm

Denice, Clemintine, and Momma are living on a farm full of raw sewage. Rivers of sewage flow through there large farm. Momma came out to the mud fields where Denice was digging. It seemed unsuccessful.

“The plants aren’t growing Mum,” blurted Denice!

“Did you use seeds,” asked Denice.

“Ohhhh.”

A truck pulled up. It was Poppa! He was holding five hundred dollars! Momma started a yellin!

“I told you to trade your ring for new shoes, how could you get a pair of shoes with five hundred dollors?!?!” Screamed Momma. “Denice go put the money in the bird cage.”

Clemintine comes back with a fishing rod. and a pair of old boots. They look really burnt up and dirty.

“All I could fish out of the sewer today was these boots,” stated Clemintine.

They decided to go on a slide. They dug up a sewer pipe, cut it open, and jumped in. Afterwards they went a watched the sewage burn tires into a liquid!

To be continued…..

 

Those Crazy Americans

Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.

 

 

Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!

 

 

As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.

 

 

“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”

 

 

“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”

 

 

“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”

 

 

“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”

 

 

“They are certainly not lame!”

 

 

“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.

 

 

“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”

 

 

“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”

 

 

Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.

 

 

“Here are your nuts, sir.”

 

 

“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”

“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”

 

 

“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”

 

 

“Huh,” Jack stated.

 

 

“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”

 

 

Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.

 

 

“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”

 

 

Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.

 

 

Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.

 

 

“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.

 

 

“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”

 

 

“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”

 

 

Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.

 

 

To be continued……

 

15 Things You Don’t Want To Hear in Surgery

1. Wow this is just like a balloon.

2. Did you say left or right arm?

3. Let’s Eat.

4. That organ is leaking.

5. My ring fell in there.

6. Come on guys. We can make it fit.

7. What color is the vein again.

8. If I cut fast enough will the blood still be blue?

9. This guy has kidneys like a camel. Let’s take one.

10. He must eat a lotta McDonalds!

11. BREAK TIME!

12. She waited 20 years! What’s another day?

13. I’m just a little jumpy.

14. I have split personalities!

15. This should make a nice ash tray….

 

Bad Pick Up Lines

– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?

– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.

– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.

– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?

– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?

– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.

– Are your legs tired?  You’ve been running through my mind all day long.

– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

– Your awfly perrrtay.

– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.

– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.

– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.

– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!

– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!

– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.

– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?

– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

#5890: JUDIBA -> Censored Name

JUDIBA: hi jeff

Censored Name: sorry its ed

JUDIBA: oh really?

JUDIBA: stop it

JUDIBA: i know it’s you

Censored Name: no realy its ed

JUDIBA: yeah, and i’m kayla

JUDIBA: suuuure

Censored Name: yes my name is ed ok not jeff

JUDIBA: oh boy

JUDIBA: sorry

JUDIBA: are you mad at me now?

Censored Name: thats ok

JUDIBA: good

JUDIBA: so you’re not mad?

Censored Name: no no

JUDIBA: ok good

Censored Name: and why

JUDIBA: do you have a dog?

JUDIBA: why what?

Censored Name: am i mad at you

JUDIBA: you are?

Censored Name: no sorry

JUDIBA: no sorry what?

JUDIBA: no you don’t have a dog?

Censored Name: i am not mad at you ok

JUDIBA: ok

JUDIBA: thanks for your help

JUDIBA: bye

Censored Name: a/s/l

JUDIBA: 89/f/ny

JUDIBA: my s/n stands for just uterly disturbed is bobby’s answer

JUDIBA: did you know that?

JUDIBA: ok then bye

Censored Name: i am biz ok

JUDIBA: biz?

JUDIBA: is that your name?

JUDIBA: i thought you said your name was ed… you liar

JUDIBA: ohhh busy?

JUDIBA: ok bye

JUDIBA: sorry to bother you

 

#5889: Headless Jeff -> Censored Name

Headless Jeff: HELLEW!!!!

Censored Name: hey

Censored Name: sup whos this

Headless Jeff: Do I know me?

Headless Jeff: Do you know you?

Censored Name: what is ur name

Headless Jeff: oh my name is Bill, Bill Clinton.

Censored Name: hahaha really

Headless Jeff: and I’m runnin for the president of Bosnia and Herzegovinia and I was wonderin if I can count on your vote.

Censored Name: what is ur name please tell me

Censored Name: ya whatever

Headless Jeff: can I count on you to vote for me?

Censored Name: whatever

Headless Jeff: good cause in that country they legalize affairs and I wanna take my wonderful wife Hilary and my wonderful other wife Monica and my wonderful husband Al

Headless Jeff: so what is up as you young american citizens say?

Censored Name: if ur name is bob ross or rork

Censored Name: tell me

Headless Jeff: how old are you surgar? I’m 207 years of age but I look in my 50’s

Headless Jeff: what do young american civilized teens do these days?

Censored Name: lol i dunno ask ur monica what we do

Headless Jeff: sure just a second MONICA SWEETIE PIE!!!!!!

Headless Jeff: NOT YOU HILARY GET OFF ME!!!

Censored Name: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headless Jeff: omg stands for Ostiches Mooning George right? I just hate that George Bush

Headless Jeff: hello?

Headless Jeff: well I guess I can’t count on your vote then bye

Headless Jeff: but remember…

Headless Jeff: VOTE FOR BILL SECOND TO NILL!