My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humour for no apparent reason.
Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.
I asked, “Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?”
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that – I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” his wife replied.
One night a man – who was in no shape to drive – wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.
“And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house.
He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, “Is anyone sitting here?” “No.”, the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn’t resist saying, “Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!”
The guy sitting next to him replied, “Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife’s seat, but she died.”
The man, feeling like shit, said, “Oh, that’s awful, but couldn’t you have asked a relative to come with you?”
“No”, said the guy.
The man was confused, and asked, “Why not?”
The guy replied, “Because they’re all at the funeral.”
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”
This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.
Doctor
(cautiously)
Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?
Eddie
(coldly)
Fine.
Doctor
Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?
Eddie
(shouting)
I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!
Doctor
(curiously)
What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?
The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.
Eddie
(calmly)
Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – DAY
Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.
Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.
Tyrone
(angrily)
Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!
Eddie
Nowhere man..chill out.
Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.
Tyrone
You don’t know what you just did, do you?
Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.
Tyrone
(shouting)
Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!
CUT BACK TO:
INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
That was probably the worst mistake I ever made
Doctor
What are you talking about?
Eddie
well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.
Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.
INT. CAR
The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.
Tomrone
You sure that’s the guy?
Tyrone
Shut up! I know it’s him!
Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.
Tyrone
All right, let’s go.
The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.
Tyrone
(shouting)
HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!
Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.
Doctor
(unbelievingly)
OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?
Eddie
(annoyed)
I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!
EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.
Eddie
(bewildered)
What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?
People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.
Eddie
(scared)
Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.
Eddie
You understand what has happened so far don’t you?
Doctor
I’m not that sure. But please, go on.
Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.
Eddie
(solemnly)
That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.
Voice
IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.
Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
(reminiscing)
It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…
Doctor
(impatiently)
What? What happened after that?
Eddie
(enthusiastically)
God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!
Doctor
(sarcastically)
So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?
Eddie
(beginning to get angry)
You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?
Doctor
(calmly)
Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.
Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.
Doctor
(slowly with no feelings)
Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.
The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…
(end)
I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….
Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.
Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!
As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.
“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”
“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”
“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”
“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”
“They are certainly not lame!”
“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.
“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”
“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”
Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.
“Here are your nuts, sir.”
“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”
“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”
“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”
“Huh,” Jack stated.
“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”
Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.
“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”
Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.
Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.
“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.
“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”
“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”
Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.
To be continued……
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, ‘She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
In the distant land of Bomsi, there lived a fair ruler, that received daily blow jobs from every hot woman in the place he rules. Even little girls, as soon as they are taught how, gave the king blow jobs. Yes, life was good. The children’s mouths almost resembled the shape of the king’s “weewee.” They were told this was good, because it would be a better advantage for them when sucking off the king because he would like it better.
The king loved his wife, but getting 2,000+ BJs a day wore him out. He had to take weekends off. But on the weekends he got to roam the streets of Licenburg, the capital of Bomsi, and fondle anyone he saw fit. What could the king do? He was a horny bastard.
But that’s when the army, called The Sentinels, from the neighboring country of Sismob invaded. Sismob had heard of these lude acts performed by the king and decided to put a stop to it, for the people of Bomsi’s sake. The Sentinels had advanced items of warfare – – swords. All that the defending Bomsians could do was just give them BJs to stop them, because that’s all they knew how to do. The sentinels felt sorry for them, and decided to kill them even before they touched their belts.
The General of The Sentinels, Hulk Hogan, had the most blood on his hands. He set aflame villages after villages with his monstrous Python Flamethrowers. He was called Devil Hogan by the Bomsians. But they’re just stupid.
When the King got word of the Sentinels of Sismob kicking ass, the King packed up his things, his wife, left his kids and went to a secluded area at the edge of the world.
After the Sentinels killed everyone in Bomsi, the Sismobs moved in, polluted the area with their SUVs and horse carriages and moved on. As for the king, he still got 2,000+ BJs, but from only one person. The Queen. She had the strongest jaw muscles in the world.
Q: Kurt Will I ever Over-dose in the future?
A: No you’ll end up just like me
——-
Q: Kurt Will I ever get a girlfriend?
A: The future is fuzzy from the hangover
——-
Q: Kurt Will you ever come back?
A: No I like it in Hell
——-
Q: Kurt Is your wife HOT?
A: Now how am I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?
——-
Q: Kurt did you kill your self?
A: The chances are High, just like me
——-
Q: Kurt did you smoke weed a lot?
A: HAHAHAHAHA he said Weed HAHAHAHA
——-
Q: Kurt are you gay or what?
A: Hey it’s HARD to find a women in hell…
——-
Q: Kurt, Yes or No?
A: Or
——-
Q: Kurt do you have cocaine I can have?
A: Ask Tommorow (and bring cash)
——-
Q: Kurt can I marry your wife?
A: Hey kid: Nice Ass ::wink wink::
——-
Q: Kurt is it true your in an 8 ball?
A: Hey i chose to come in here, I just like being in balls…
——-
Q: Kurt, will I ever find a GOOD girlfriend?
A: You just found a new boyfriend
——-
Q: Kurt, do I look sexy or what?
A: I like every bone in your body, especially mine ((eww sick))
Q: Kurt do you miss your Nirvana band?
A: Yeah I haven’t done Stereroids in a while, wait what was the question?
You know you’re sick when…
– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”
– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.
– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.
– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.
– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis
– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”
– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.
– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on
– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.
– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.
– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.
– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.
– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”
– you get bees up your pants regularly.
– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.
– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.
– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”
—
You know someone in your family is really sick when…
– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.
– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.
– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.
– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.
– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.
– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.
GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.
GOOD: The secretary said “yes.”
BAD: Your wife says “no.”