“i have no desire for a half ass lover. i want someone to grab my neck and tell me i belong to them. i want to be wrapped around you on a Friday night in bed and have your lips be the last thing i taste before i go to sleep. i want you to bring me coffee in the morning and i want to rub your back at night. i want a love that can set my heart on fire and i want a lover who i can intoxicate with my madness.”
– from a girl’s dating profile
While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
“I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”
Q: Was the vampire race close?
A: Yes, it was neck and neck.
“my hands are craving your neck right now!”
– Mrs. Stickums
My husband is so bald that when you look at him from a distance, it looks like his neck is blowing bubblegum.
A football scout returned from the hills of Kentucky and told his boss, “I found a kid up there who is six feet, nine inches tall and weighs four hundred pounds. He has hands like hams and a neck size of thirty inches.”
The college coach jumped up from behind his desk and shouted, “He sounds like what the team needs. Bring him in.”
“I can’t,” said the scout. “His chain only reaches ten feet.”
Q: What don’t you want to do when your friend is being attacked by vampires?
A: Stick your neck out for him.
guillotine – n. something that will give a person a pain in the neck
HYPOCHONDRIAC: “Doctor, I have a pain in my neck.”
DOCTOR: “So do I, and you’re it!”
I’m so dumb. I just found out a Ukrainian is a person. I thought it was a bone in your neck.
New York must be the nerve center of the country. It keeps giving Washington a pain in the neck.
Q: Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
holloway – n. goggles wrapped around your neck