Answer: A real rich guy, what comes up when you clear your throat, and a school kid who’s a doctor.
Question: What’s a Kluge, a lugey, and a Doogie?
Tag Archives: doctor
Joke #10821
A: A snotty nose, Doctor Giggles, and a bat with holes in it.
Q: What’s a sniffle, a piffle, and a whiffle?
And How’s Business?
“My business is looking better,” said the optometrist.
“My business is down in the dumps,” said the garbage man.
“Mine is rolling in dough,” said the baker.
“Mine is slow,” said the turtle salesman.
“My business is for the birds,” said the pet store owner.
“My business has sunk to a new low,” said the deep-sea diver.
“My business is turning sour,” said the pickle salesman.
“Mine is going up,” said the elevator operator.
“My business is sick,” said the doctor.
Silly Signs
– Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.
– Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.
– Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
– Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn
– Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.
– Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!
– Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.
– Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.
– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.
– Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.
– Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.
– Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.
– Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!
– Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!
– Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!
– Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.
– Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.
– Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.
– Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.
Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.
– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.
– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust. Everyone else we audit.
– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.
– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.
– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.
– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.
– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.
– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.
– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.
– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.
– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf. We just heard everything worth hearing already.
– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies. They can’t even lick stamps.
– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.
– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave. This is only the calm before the swarm.
– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.
– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came. We saw. We conjured.
– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution. Fowl language spoken here.
– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.
– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.
– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.
– Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.
– Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.
– Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.
– Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.
– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.
– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down
– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.
– Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.
– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.
– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.
– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.
– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
paradox
paradox – n. two doctors
The Doctor Will See You
Yes, the doctor will see you.
I won’t have to wait long, will I?
Her schedule, you must realize, is very tight.
The doctor will see you
I won’t have to wait long
Her schedule is very tight
Sylvia, there’s a bee in your hat!
I read your book, Mrs. Sweeney
How, my dear friends, did you manage to get the tickets?
Mrs. Guervara
Mrs. Guervara photographed…
Paul seems…
The highest mountain in North America is…
His doctor shut…
Joke #9291: Going Against Migraine
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”
Joke #9236: Malpractice Assurance
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”
Joke #9126
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.
“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”
“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.
“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”
“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.
“And finally, if none of these things appeal to me… I can always continue to be a teakettle!”
—
Another version of this joke:
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.
“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”
Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”
The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”
Joke #9124
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leaped at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained
about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”
Joke #9105
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.” The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…”
Joke #8983
A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it’s too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it’s still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.
“That’s more like it!”, the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just hunch up your right shoulder.”
So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.
“No problem,” says the tailor, “Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird’s wing.”
So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.
“Well, just keep that leg stiff,” says the tailor, “and no one will notice.”
“I’ll take it!”, the guy says.
So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird’s wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.
As he’s walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, “I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!”
“Me neither,” the other doctor says. “Nice suit, though.”
Dead or Alive
This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.
Doctor
(cautiously)
Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?
Eddie
(coldly)
Fine.
Doctor
Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?
Eddie
(shouting)
I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!
Doctor
(curiously)
What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?
The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.
Eddie
(calmly)
Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – DAY
Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.
Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.
Tyrone
(angrily)
Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!
Eddie
Nowhere man..chill out.
Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.
Tyrone
You don’t know what you just did, do you?
Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.
Tyrone
(shouting)
Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!
CUT BACK TO:
INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
That was probably the worst mistake I ever made
Doctor
What are you talking about?
Eddie
well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.
Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.
INT. CAR
The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.
Tomrone
You sure that’s the guy?
Tyrone
Shut up! I know it’s him!
Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.
Tyrone
All right, let’s go.
The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.
Tyrone
(shouting)
HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!
Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.
Doctor
(unbelievingly)
OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?
Eddie
(annoyed)
I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!
EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.
Eddie
(bewildered)
What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?
People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.
Eddie
(scared)
Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.
Eddie
You understand what has happened so far don’t you?
Doctor
I’m not that sure. But please, go on.
Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.
Eddie
(solemnly)
That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY
Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.
Voice
IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.
Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Eddie
(reminiscing)
It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…
Doctor
(impatiently)
What? What happened after that?
Eddie
(enthusiastically)
God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!
Doctor
(sarcastically)
So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?
Eddie
(beginning to get angry)
You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?
Doctor
(calmly)
Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.
Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.
Doctor
(slowly with no feelings)
Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.
The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…
(end)
I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….
Why Doctors Are Called Quacks
“Doc” “Shrink” “Quack?” Why are doctors called quacks? My Doctor told me to take a bath in Oatmeal when I told him I had itchy skin. Now tell me, how is a doctor NOT a quack? I had a Math Teacher who couldn’t speak clearly and couldn’t teach (in fact he got fired from the excessive complaints). He wasn’t Mr. Jamin*…he was Dr. JAMIN*. Doctors are all around us. I mean look at the silly quotes they make up: “An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor away.” Hell if that were true I’d eat more apples then Washington State ever had! I mean if you ever watch any commercials about medicine you’ll hear: ” 9 out of 10 doctors agree that so-and-so medicine works.” It seems to me that quacks can never make up there mind! It’s always 7 out of 10 or 18 out of 20, but never 20 out of 20! I bet the medicine companies had to bribe doctors to agree with each other, let alone actually support the medicine. Bottom line is: DOCTOR’S ARE QUACKS!
*His name was changed to keep him private and to hide his true stupidity to the outside world.