i just figureed out the biggest conspiracy ever! and it comes in your lunch every day!! well, it comes in my lunch every day… you all like cheetos, right? well think about this for a second… to-chee… toe- cheese!! disgusting, right? little moldy orange crunchy toes… oh well, i still like the cheesey flavor!! (eww!)
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Goopy Blip
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
–
It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
…………..
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
Who Wants a Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
I went into the cheapest restaurant in town, El Cheapo’s Cheapo Cuisine because I was hungry. The air was stuffy, and had a combination of various smells which seemed to combine into a sharp smell that made my boogers shrivel back up into my sinuses.
I took a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on my tray. There was a theory that all the food in ECCC was actually all the leftover food from all the other restaurants in town, so you had to choose your food wisely. When I sat down, I ate the “grilled cheese sandwich,” gained super powers and flew off into the sunset.
Afterwards, the SWAT team raided the ECCC for selling food past their expiration date.
Moral: Don’t eat bad food, or you’ll get diabetes or super powers.
The Twisted Story of Binobobo and His Demise
Prologue
Bobo was a simple farmer in Wisconsin. He farmed cheese. Cheese is very popular in Wisconsin, which is why he farmed cheese. Cheese is made from milk. Bobo had cows, therefore he had milk, and with milk, he had cheese.
Chapter 1
Obo was a superhero. He had super powers, such as the ability to punch through walls. One day Obo was flying over the city of Wisconsin, which is a city in Wisconsin, when he saw a crime being comitted. The crime, specifically, was a typical bank robbery. Obo was just about to stop it when one of the robbers handed him a sack of money as a bribe. Obo looked at the robbers for a while, then decided to mind his own business and flew away with the sack of money. Thus, Obo “went bad.”
Chapter 2
Bingo was a happy monkey. He’s been like that for as long as he could remember, which is about five seconds. You see Bingo, too, was a super hero. He had the power of a very short term memory. This was useful for lots of things. One was if someone kept telling him the same joke over and over, it would still be funny. He could talk, too.
Chapter 3
Bobo, Obo, and Bingo meet as a result of a wormhole opening where each of them were standing.
“Hi,” said Bobo.
“Hello, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.
“Hey, maybe we should team up and be three times as powerful and be a super, super, super hero!” said Obo.
“Hello, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.
“I think it would only be a super, super hero,” said Bobo, “for you see, I am a simple farmer while you and the monkey are super heroes.”
“Hi, I’m a talking monkey.” said Bingo.
“Fine, whatever,” said Obo, “We can be a super, super hero that can make cheese!”
“Now yer talkin’!” said Bobo.
“Hi, I’m a talking monkey,” said Bingo.
Chapter 4
Obo, Bingo, and Bobo mash their bodies together in a trash compactor and become a “super, super hero that can make cheese,” which will now be known simply as “Binobobo.”
Chapter 5
Hamburgler was plotting an evil scheme to get rid of the newly arisen Binobobo. Hamburgler hated all super heroes, especially ones with names like Binobobo. His plan was to feed Binobobo a Sausage McMuffin, then wait for Binobobo to explode!
Chapter 6
“I’m hungry,” said Binobobo, “let’s get some chow!”
“Ok by me!” said Binobobo.
“I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo
Chapter 7
Binobobo was on his way to Taco Bell to get some Zesty Tacos when he heard someone say, “Um, excuse me Mr. Binobobo, but would you be interested in some free food?”
“Free food?!” said Binobobo, “How can any one refuse free food?!” So he flew down to where the man calling him was. It was at McDonalds. He glanced at the sign.
McDonalds
We love to see you smile – then explode!!
“Hmm…I don’t know about this…what do you think, Binobobo?” asked Binobobo.
“Seems fine to me, even though I hate McDonalds,” said Binobobo.
“I’m a talking monkey…hey, wait, I already said that. Geez, you guys are so boring that I actually remember what I said five seconds ago-Hi, I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo
“Whoa,” thought Hamburgler, “this guy is weirder than my commercials!”
“Ok!” said Binobobo, “Now we can take your food!”
“Hmm…maybe you’d better take three of these Sausage McMuffins…” said Hamburgler.
“Nonsense, we aren’t three people anymore,” said Binobobo, “Just three people mashed together!”
“Oh…I…see…” said Hamburgler while he handed Binobobo the Sausage McMuffin, “Here you go…free food!”
“Thank you!” said Binobobo.
“I’m a talking monkey,” said Binobobo
Binobobo ate the sausage McMuffin and exploded, as planned. The End
Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin
Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun
The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,
the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…
“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.
“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.
“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.
“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose
Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.
“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.
“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.
“Knockity knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.
“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.
By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.
“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”
” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”
“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.
“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.
Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia
Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…
There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.
“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”
“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin
All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.
Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.
Chapter 3 Why?
You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!
Chapter 4 Moose says Moo
“Moo,” says Moose.
Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo
Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.
“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.
Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:
“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo
“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.
“Chatter- squeak!!”
“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”
Chapter 6 Evil People
Back to the warehouse…
“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.
“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”
“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.
“Well you see-”
“See what, I don’t see anything.”
“Well I have these-”
“These what? Speak up!”
” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”
“With the what?”
“Sir would you please let me finish!!”
“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”
“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”
“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”
“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”
“Gasp!”
“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“Yep.”
“………………Yep.”
“Alright, shut-up.”
Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars
We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.
Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.
“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”
The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.
“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.
He is using the leg as a kind of bat.
Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.
“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.
“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”
“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”
Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down
down
down.
“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.
Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.
“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.
“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.
“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.
Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)
We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets
looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:
“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”
He walks in front of a weird shop called:
THE I.T.C.H.
Hippie Heaven
-It’s Quacktastic!-
A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:
“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”
“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.
“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”
“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“Don’t do drugs.”
“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”
“Duh, okay.”
“Quack!”
“Where’d that come from?!”
“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”
“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”
“Corn- ear?”
“That way.”
Chapter 9 Payphone Rage
Moose walks up to the payphone.
“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”
“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.
A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”
“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”
“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.
“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”
“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”
Moose is angry. (You would be too!)
“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.
Moose dials a number.
Chapter 10 Squack Returns
“Um, hello?” says Moose.
“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”
“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.
“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”
“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.
After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.
“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.
“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.
“Well take it.”
“Um… okay…”
Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.
“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.
“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.
“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”
“Uh, thank you…”
“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”
“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”
“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”
“Okay, bye.”
Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.
A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.
“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”
Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!
Chapter 11 I am The Rock
We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”
“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.
“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”
The Rock’s cell phone rings.
“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”
“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.
“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.
The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.
“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.
Chapter 12 New Allies
We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe
A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.
“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”
“Okay, bye,” says Moose.
“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.
The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.
“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.
They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.
Chapter 13 Hideout
Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front
of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.
The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.
“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”
“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”
The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.
“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”
“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”
“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”
The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***
” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.
“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.
The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.
“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.
“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.
“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”
“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”
“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”
“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.
Chapter 14 Ponder
Ponder…
Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha
“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.
Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.
Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.
The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.
“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”
The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.
THE WORLD IS SAVED!
Yay!
Chapter 16 Stuff
The Rock-
“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”
The Writer-
Hello! Nya, nya, nya!
Only in America…
Only in America…
…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage
…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
…can a vocalist get rich by singing the blues.
Holmes’ Sayings for a Conversation
These are good to use if you want to spark up a conversation but don’t know what to say!
————————————-
1. “Hey, are you circumcised?”
2. “Nice shirt, I saw one exactly like that at the salvation army”
3. “Hey, would you like to start a sexual relationship?”
4. “You don’t know me but will you marry me?”
5. “You might not remember me but that’s because of all the booze you drank last night.”
6. “My friend told me you were nice and good in bed”
7. “So what do you think, Cheese Whiz or Cheese sticks?”
8. “Can I follow you home?”
9. “Hey, I’m doing a poll: Do you wear protection?”
10. “Can I come over to your house and eat one time?”
11. “Are you a lonely puristic loyal Caucasian women?”
12. “Do I have anything up my nose?”
13. “Can I touch your body or do you want to touch mine? Tell you what, we’ll flip a coin for it.”
14. “Have you ever herd of this thing called ‘The Internet'”?
15. “Hey, how much do you make every month?”
16. “Don’t look at me like that!”
17. “Hola, yo estoy hablar en un lingua romantica.”
18. “Stop touching me in my private areas!”
19. “I’m related to Bill Gates.”
20. “So you look more beautiful up close then from the treetop near your bathroom.”
Things to Ponder
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?
33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
40. Why are SOFTballs hard?
41. Do vampires get AIDS?
42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
48. Can people without hands get a grip?
49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
53. What do people in China call their good plates?
54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?
57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
62. Do mimes watch silent movies?
63. Is the fear of flying groundless?
64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
68. Why are boxing rings square?
69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
73. Why do birds have white poop?
74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.
77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?
80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
82. What’s the opposite of opposite?
83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
88. Why is the blackboard green?
89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
91. What do you call male ballerinas?
92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?
96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?
101. Can blind people see their dreams?
102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?
107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?
121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
130. How can you hear yourself think?
131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?
142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
155. why are turds pinched off at the end?
156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
161. What would you use to dilute water?
162. What should one call a male ladybird?
163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
168. Aren’t all generalizations false?
169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
174. If so, how could you treat them?
175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
179. Do fish get cramps after eating?
180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
188. How can someone “draw a blank”?
189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?
191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
198. How is it possible to have a civil war?
199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
225. If God sneezes…what should you say?
226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?
260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
272. Is it possible to be totally partial?
273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
275. Is there a Dr. Salt?
276. Isn’t hot water already hot?
277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
285. What came first the chicken or the egg?
286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
294. What happened to the first 6 ups?
295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
297. What is a free gift?
298. Aren’t all gifts free?
299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
300. What is the speed of dark?
301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
303. What’s another word for synonym?
304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
305. When people lose weight, where does it go?
306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
312. Where are Preparations A through G?
313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
314. Who invented accents?
315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
324. Why are we afraid of falling?
325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
330. Won’t they all stop eventually?
331. Why do bars advertise live bands?
332. What does a dead band sound like?
333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
335. Why do guys wear underpants?
336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
337. Why do they call it disposable douche?
338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
341. Why do they report power outages on TV?
342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
345. Why do we have hot water heaters?
346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?
358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
371. Why is the alphabet in that order?
372. Is it because of that song?
373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?
391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”
398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet? Tofu?
Joke #6512
Q: What do you call a bag of chips that don’t belong to you?
A: NACHOS!
–
Another variation of this joke:
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese.
yedip
yedip – n. a cheese McFlurry
wonau
wonau – v. to make cheese with a fork and water