Lists

School Absence Excuses

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected from schools all over the country.

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1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father id gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

(F) Quicky Jokes, Jokes

Joke #18472

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Q: What does 36 inches make in Glasgow?

A: One Scotland yard!

Jokes, (F) Conversational Joke

Joke #18471

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Customer: “Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather?”

Clerk: “Madam, have you ever seen a sheep carry an umbrella?”

Jokes

Joke #18470

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

Jokes

Joke #18469

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, “Mom, I’ve been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?”

“Nothing,” I answered back. “Why?”

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: “ACH 00”

Jokes

Joke #18468

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

While I was working in the men’s section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

“I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”

Joke #18467

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, “It might look like I’m doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I’m quite busy.”

I showed it to her, and her response was, “Oh, I should buy that one, I’m always talking on mine.”

Jokes

Joke #18466

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read:

“Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”

“I suppose,” the husband responded dryly, “we could clean the house.”

Jokes

Joke #18465

February 20, 2011 davepoobond Leave a comment

My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.

Everything is double, clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I’ve had to remind him that…

talc is cheap.