Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Joke #18746
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough.
Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”
“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”
Joke #18745
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
“You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”
“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.”
Joke #18744
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”
Joke #18743
On a visit to my wife’s native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London’s Gatwick Airport.
Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners’ line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
“Pleasure,” I replied. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. “That’s very interesting, sir,” he said as he stamped my passport. “Most men bring their wives with them.”
The Hokey Pokey – Shakespearean Style
Parody of The Hokey Pokey
–
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.
Joke #18741
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60’s music.
They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.
My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”
Joke #18740
My dentist was telling me how much he had wanted to become a classical pianist.
“If only my parents hadn’t discouraged me,” he moaned.
“Don’t feel bad,” I responded as the doctor worked on my teeth. “There’s more than one way to tickle the ivories.”
Joke #18739
This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down!”
Joke #18738
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
Rejected International Sports Team Names
– Brussels Sprouts
– Cannes Openers
– Amsterdam Yankees
– Vienna Sausages
– Belgium Waffles
– Manila Folders
– Czech Bouncers
– New Dehli Catessans
– Buenos Airheads
– Guadalajara Krishnas
– Iraqi Raccoons
– Bolivia DeHavillands
– Seoul Brothers
– Taipei Personalities
– Syria Killers
– Hungary Jacks
– Dublin Mint Twins
– Prague Tologists
– Peking Toms
Joke #18736
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”
“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”
Joke #18735
Bill Gates my father is not.
As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”
While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.
Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”
Joke #18734
While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there.
His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.
I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. “Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?” he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, “It says here that you turn blue when you cry.”
Joke #18733
Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor.
He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”
Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”