Category Archives: Jokes

The whole Joke archive. Tons of jokes!

Jokes

Joke #5248: The Doctor’s Patients

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A doctor of psychology was doing his morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found his first patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

 

The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see! I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

 

The doctor then inquired as to why the other guy was hanging from the ceiling. The guy on the floor says, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb Doc.”

 

The doctor looks up and notices the guys face is going all red.

 

The doctor asks the wood cutter… “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”

 

And the patient replies – “What? And work in the dark!”

Jokes

Joke #5247: Family Vacation

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The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

 

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

 

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.

 

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

 

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”

 

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”

 

“Sure. This is my father!”

Jokes

Joke #5243: Cat On a Hot Tin Roof

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There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died.

 

“WHAT?!?!” asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. “I loved that cat! You can’t just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat’s on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you’re doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died.”

 

The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, “Your mother’s on the roof.”

Jokes

Joke #5242: Squirrel Joke

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A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”

The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’

“I guess I just panicked….”

Jokes

Joke #5241: White Guy’s Poetry Lesson

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Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

 

The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”

 

The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”

 

The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”

 

His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”

 

The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.” Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!

 

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

 

The white man asks, “What happened?!”

 

The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”

 

The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”

 

The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”

Jokes

Joke #5240: Girls Names

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This guy is hanging out in his living room when his daughter comes in. She says “Daddy, why am I named Violet?”

“Because a violet landed on your head when you were born,” he says.

Violet says “oh,” and leaves.

Then, his second daughter comes in and she asks “Daddy, why am I named Rose?”

He says “Because a rose landed on your head when you were born.

She says “oh,” and leaves.

Then, his third daughter comes in and says “Koooojmuquishlawnkk!”

He says “Be quiet, Cinder Block!”

Jokes

Joke #5239: The Third Baby

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When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I was running out of supplies. I asked my husband to go over and get some things from my friend’s husband.

 

“Did he give you everything?” I asked later.

 

“Yes,” my husband said, grinning. “A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children’s birth certificates.”

Jokes

Joke #5238: Not So Lucky

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One day three guys (Dave, Ryan, & Mark) were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says “I’ll tell you what…I don’t feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I’ll let you go.”

The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says “Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there.” Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. “Almost there!” and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says “Well…That’s close enough. I’ll let you guys go anyway.” So she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys “Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher.” and Ryan says “Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!” and Mark goes “Man you guys are lucky I had a boner!!”

Jokes

Joke #5236: A Woman’s Wreck

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A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the woman chirped.”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the woman began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”

“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off… “there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Jokes

Joke #5235: Grilled At The Pearly Gates

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One day there was three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to get in. St. peter approached them and asked the first nun, “Do you know who the first man was on Earth?” She said, “Ummm that’s tough…Adam?”

 

Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.

 

Then St. Peter went up to the second nun and asked, “Do you know who the first woman was on Earth?” She said, “Ummmm…Eve?”

 

Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.

 

St. Peter then asked the third and last nun, “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?” The third nun said, “Hmmmmm that’s a hard one”

 

Bells rang, angles sang, the gates opened and she walked right in.

Jokes

Joke #5234: The Grounded Conductor

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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

 

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

 

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

 

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

 

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

 

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

 

“What if the phone was busy?”

 

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

 

“What if that had been vandalized?”

 

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

 

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Jokes

Joke #5233: We Don’t Serve Snails…

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A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.

 

The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”

 

“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

 

One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.

 

Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”

Jokes

Joke #5232: A Priest’s Dinner

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A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

 

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

 

“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

 

She replied, “Of course they were cleaned Father.” “They’re as clean as soap and water can get them.”

 

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

 

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled – “Here Soap! Here Water!”