All posts by davepoobond

I own this site.

The Missing Dollar!

3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so, each man paid $10 and went to the room.  A while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys’ room with $5.

On the way the bellboy couldn’t figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man a $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.

This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR???????????

Find Your Star Wars Name

It appears that Lucas uses a formula to create all those stupid names you see in the Star Wars trilogy and Phantom Menace (Jar Jar Binks, Obi Wan, etc.). To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps below…

Star Wars First Name

1. Take the first 3 letters of your last name.

2. Add to that, the first 2 letters of your first name.

Star Wars Last Name

1. Take the first 2 letters of your mother’s maiden name.

2. Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town or city you were born in.

There you go! There’s your Star Wars Name.

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Leave a comment and tell us your Star Wars Name!

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Squackle! Fans:

Hamje Hoble (Jen Hamblet)

Elrdo Pagal (Donald Elrod)

Essma Halos (stimpyismyname)

Amida Asgle (davepoobond)

Shini Miwal

Minsh Lasea

Berge Pawes (Holmes)

Piele Nucar

Newli Bemis

Milla Bumon

Neyhi Cobru

Garal WeHol

Brast Cakan

Solba Bacha

Hopst Koarl

Harda Ropho

Mikha Busco

Judla Rewar

Pareli Shmem

Jeill Sanma

Scuda Abbos

Koepe Culon

Terja Sytex

Bulas Sulas

Honeu Jalac

Cremersco Carco

Ooraa Holiv

Chami Rigar

Brewe Diroa

Kersa Oknep

Onema Hahel

Silky Mocol

Schde Zeiyor

Leyki Bewat

Curtis Quaker Church

Larda Krsag (David Millar)

Amsry Wodur (Ryan Adams)

Honde Smwil

Kimhy Leseo

Spely Sucha

Colel Saeph

Webal Pabil

Culhael Miver

Ausda Haper

Deima Tibet

JOHNA DUCHE

Melsm Crgal

Whima Whgra

Stokr Calan

Brooba Mylksmak

Gonma Canew [Manuel Gonzalez]

Baspu Moalb

Kelso Tathe

Graja Diric

Strla Visal

Galmi Gachi

Perda Pilee (Darrel Pepper)

Danba Aldar (Daniel Bainbridge)

Lopel Lasan

Joyme Lywey

Leyju Jacuc

Gonju Zesan

Neear Camun

Mukli Chihar

Warri Secai

Found In an E-Mail:

1. Casan Maphi (Andy Castillo)

2. Trume Keoce (Megan Trudeau)

3. Walje Bopor (Jessica Wallace)

4. Finas Frbal (Ashley Finch)

5. Chach Pulex

6. Chabo Pulex

7. Gleje Peath (Jennifer Gleisner)

8. Gleas Pedoy (Ashley Gleisner)

9. Cifda Pipri (Dawn Cifone)

10. Glejo Pefai (Jodi Gleisner)

11. Hayca Grcor (Cathy Hayek)

12. Hoyke Ricor (Kenny Hoyos)

13. Marmi Accor (Michelle Maresh)

14. Permi Rocor- (Mike Perez)

15. Micni Smor-(Nicole Michaud)

16. Wheal Fanor (Alyssa Wheeler)

17. Hanca Finor (Crystal Haner)

18. Dunru Thcor (Ruth Dunn)

19. Milai Nacor (Aimee Millangue)

20. Demli Clcor [(Princess) Lindsay DeMoss]

21. Minka Racol (Katy Miner)

22. SMINI MAOKL (NICOLE SMITH)

23. ROSCH WHALB (Cheryl Rosel)

24. Smokr Faaus (Kristen Smolik)

25. Malem Padal (Emily Maloney)

26. Blaka Hiaus (Kathleen Blackwood)

27. galmi ruaus (michelle galaviz)

28. Wadly Alpal (Lynsey)

29.Viobr Lipal (Brian Viola, Palm Springs)

30. Meani Buora (Nick Meade)

31. Whili Kahar (Lisa White)

32. Speli Comis ( Lindsay Spence)

33. Bluch Ibsan ( Christine Blue

34. Wislt Mopal (Stephanie Willis)

35.Fabur Snupl (Urs Fabiano)

36. Marau Elpal (Autumn Martino)

37. Breke Hepas (Kelly Bresanello)

38. Lotta Heriv (Tara Lotstein)

39. Batro Crhaw (Robert Bates)

Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren’t in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not

satisfactory because:

 

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn’t cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

 

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because

you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

19 Things To Do In The Bathroom

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,”May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh**!! My glass eye!!”

6. Say “D***, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,”Whoa Easy boy !!”

11. Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

15. Say, “D***, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

Funny Names

1.)Al Dente

2.)Al Fresco

3.)Anita Bath

4.)Barb Dwyer

5.)Bob Katz

6.)Bud Light

7.)Candy Kane

8.)Casey Macy

9.)Chris Cross

10.)Dick Tator

11.)Dusty Rhodes

12.)Eaton Wright

13.)Liv Good

14.)Faith Christian

15.)Gail Storm

16.)Gil Fish

17.)Harry Cary

18.)Harry Potter

19.)Harry Rump

20.)Jean Poole

21.)Justin Case

22.)Justin Time

23.)Kerry Oki

24.)Lance Boyle

25.)Les Moore

26.)Lou Pole

27.)Luke Warm

28.)Marlon Fisher

29.)Marty Graw

30.)Mary Christmas

31.)Max Little

32.)Max Power

33.)Mia Hamm

34.)Mike Rotch

35.)Mike Raffone

36.)Minny van Gogh

37.)Mo Lestor

38.)Neil Down

39.)Ophelia Payne

40.)Pat McCann

41.)Penny Lane

42.)Penny Wise

43.)Pete Moss

44.)Pierce Deere

45.)Price Wright

46.)Rick O’Shea

47.)Rick Shaw

48.)Rip Torn

49.)Russell Leeves

50.)Rusty Irons

51.)Rusty Steele

52.)Seymour Butz

53.)Shanda Lear

54. 55. and 56.)Skip Dover, Ben Dover, Eileen Dover

57.)Tom Katt

58.)Warren Peace

59.)Warren T.

Interesting Facts

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

3. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

4. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

5. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

6. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

7. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

8. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

9. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

10. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

11. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

12. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

13. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

14. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

15. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

16. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of Varieties of pickles the company once had.

17. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

18. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

19. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

20. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

21. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

22. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

23. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

25. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

26. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

27. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly

28. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

29. Pearls melt in vinegar.

30. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

31. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

32. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

33. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

34. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.

35. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

36. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

37. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

38. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

39. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

40. There are more chickens than people in the world.

41. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

42. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

43. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

44. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.

45. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

46. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

47. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial, on the back of the $5 bill.

48. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

49. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

50. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

51. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

52. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”

53. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

54. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

55. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

56. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

57. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

58. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street, were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,”

59. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

60. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

61. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

62. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

63. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

64. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

65. The microwave was invented, after a researcher walked by a radar tube, and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

66. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

67. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

68. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

69. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

70. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?

71. Sometimes…when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes…when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time….

72. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!

73. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

74. David Duchovny was in a porno series called the Red Shoe Diaries where he read letters from people telling him a story, reading it aloud for his dog. He never got any, actually, in the show.

75. The main character from Pay It Forward died from a stomach wound

76. Dacky was made in paint by Fajita Bum

77. You CAN get into trouble for calling a white guy Aunt Jemima and calling him that name 10 times a day for a year

78. The AAA DOES NOT care about right triangles

79. Tiger’s Hit Clips don’t play the whole song. You buy less than a song

80. The cards in Guess Who? don’t actually talk

81. All the pets in really old movies over 10 years, are all (most likely) dead

82. Tagalong Girl Scout cookies cost 20 cents a cookie, at $3.00 a box of 15

Unspoken Words

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:

1. I’ll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.

2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.

3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby.

4. During my bad week, I’ll get you a hooker.

5. Does this make my butt look too small?

6. PMS is just a myth.

7. That guy has great breasts.

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Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say:

1. I’ll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.

2. Sure she has a great body, but how’s her personality?

3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

4. When Bambi’s mother was shot I cried.

5. Forget the game, Oprah’s on!

6. It’s your decision.

7. I care.

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”

8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”

7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”

..and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

Y2K Checklist

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:

 

You’ve backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

 

You’ve put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

 

The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.

 

You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

 

You’re Amish.

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SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN’T Y2K READY:

 

It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.

 

The spell check replaces the word “You” with “Thou.”

 

It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake a potato.

 

The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use as a screen saver.

 

It needs to be updated to binary code.

 

Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn’t considered kinky.

5. If you don’t like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.

3. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

…and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Children’s Books that Didn’t Make the Cut

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad’s New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Funny Bumper Stickers

1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.

4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.

10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.

11. Horn broken, watch for finger!

12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!

13. All generalizations are false!

14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!

15. I brake for no apparent reason.

16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!

19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?

20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!

22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!

27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

29. Born free…taxed to death.

30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

32. Rehab is for quitters!

33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!

38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!

39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!

42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…

43. So many pedestrians, so little time.

44. Let’s keep out of touch.

30 Things to Do On an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math / sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blackened out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.