Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.
I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”
A Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, breaking silence, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops.
To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir,” or “Second Marine Division, General.” But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, “Which outfit are you in?”
The Marine replied, “Dress blues, sir, with medals!”
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”
The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, “Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, “I want a quickie.”
She turns red in the face and ahems, “Sir, I don’t know what kind of restaurant you’re used to eating in, but I can assure you you’re not going to get a quickie here!”
“How disappointing,” the man replied. “Could you ask the chef to make an exception?”
“He doesn’t have anything to do with it!” says the waitress indignantly.
“Hmmm,” do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?”
“I’m SURE I don’t know,” answers the waitress loudly.
A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, “I think it’s pronounced QUICHE.”
The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.
One day, outside the store’s restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, “The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off.”
“See!” her friend chided. “I told you not to have that second drink.”
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, “Your daughter will be 17 inches long,” to which Reynoldo replied,
“Do you know the weight too, San Jose?”
When my wife and I went up to New England a couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint little inns.
The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub.
“What’s the difference?” I asked.
“Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down.”
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house.
His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone……..”
“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”
A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes a now-extinct fish called the Michigan Grayling. Last summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist…
“Is the Grayling still extinct?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied, “it no longer exists.”
“Any thought of bringing it back?”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s extinct.”
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, “What did he start doing instead of these things?”
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, “Well, my sister is pregnant now.”
All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” he replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last?”
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute.
We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when my partner tried to cover for me by saying…
“If you have any more problems, we’ll be in your closet.”
A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes!
He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!”
“Not really….” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”