Forever Repressed: Zero Fluid Motions

Speed Racer: What a crappy day. I think I’ll go back inside. (Walks inside.)

Mr. Game & Watch: Hey bud, you’re walking like me.

Speed Racer: So?

Mr. Game & Watch: That’s my bit! That’s how I walk in Super Smash Bros. Melee!

(Mr. Game & Watch hits the B Button and flips bacon in Speed Racer’s face)

Speed Racer: Ouch! That’s greasy!

(Speed Racer gets in his Mach 5 car)

Speed Racer: IT’S ON!

(Meanwhile, in Hell…)

One-legged Squirrel: Another play with a car? I’ll sit this one out.

Satan: Hey, I’m not slave-driving you to talk.

(Meanwhile, back in the unspecified setting…)

Mr. Game & Watch: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

(Mr. Game & Watch turns red by hitting the Y button before the match.)

John Tesh: This calls for some quality fightin’ music. You two just get it on, and I’ll take care of the tunes.

(Speed Racer and Mr. Game & Watch stare one another down.)

Speed Racer: Are you ready?

Mr. Game & Watch: Let’s get this over with.

(Speed Racer runs over John Tesh. Mr. Game & Watch makes John Tesh fly off the screen with his smash hammer [B Button].)

Speed Racer: That felt good. Now, I must leave. I have a race.

Mr. Game & Watch: And I’m a guest on Carson Daly’s show.

 

Forever Repressed: Apocalypse Eventually

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.

Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)

Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.

(Meanwhile…)

One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.

One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.

One-legged Squirrel: So?

One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.

One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.

One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.

One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.

One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?

Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!

One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!

One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.

One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!

One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.

One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.

One-legged Starfish: What color was it?

One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.

(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?

Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure

something’s coming up from behind me.

One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.

(Ten minutes later…)

One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!

One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.

Pat Buchanan: I did.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?

Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.

Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.

(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)

One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!

Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!

(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)

One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)

One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!

Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!

(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!

Pat Buchanan: We already got him.

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.

Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…

Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?

1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.

Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)

One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!

 

Squirrels From Hell

For years now the great Squirrel Army has been trying to conquer the world, unbeknown to the public. Through their clever and devious military tactics, they have succeeded thus far in conquering the sixteen (16) small countries in Africa and Asia, including; Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Comoros, Lesotho, Mauritius, Swaziland, Reunion (which they call Crap Land, for some reason-maybe they don’t like the French), Oman, East Timor, Bhutan, Kyrgyz Stan, Turkmenistan, North Korea (yes, Squirrels have nukes!), Tajikistan, Cyprus, and Maldives. Well, I said included, but that’s all of them. Don’t complain; now you know where not to go!

Only the amazing defenders of all things not Evil Squirrel related, the Uber-Peanut Army (or Peanut Army for shortish) has stopped them from a more complete conquest. Yes, you read that right! Super Peanuts are at war with Evil Squirrels in order to stop them from taking over the world!

Not too long ago, in fact, the Squirrels were close to winning, but in what seemed like the end of all things non-Evil Squirrel related, new hope arose; the Great and Mighty Almost-All Powerful Orange Peanut!

Now, as you know (or at least I do) anything Orange (with a capitol O, that is) is magical. Now, in Orange Peanut, the O is most definitely capitol, so the logical conclusion is that Orange Peanut is magical, right? Of course it’s right! So, this Orange Peanut was a magical Super Peanut who rose to be the leader of the Peanut People and…um…uh…hmmm….*thinking of words*………laid the smack-down on those friggin’ Squirrels!

Well, he actually didn’t do it by himself, or with just him and his Peanut Army; he help from a Singing Cat named Juke (that is; Juke the Singing Cat), but that’s a REALLY long story, so for now we’ll just say he did it alone.

After he whooped the Squirrel Army’s ass, he began a top secret project (actually his scientists did, but it was really his idea). It was a really good plan, meant to make a super race of Peanuts. And guess what? It worked.

After three long years working, his scientist devised a plan to make all the Peanut People into Super Peanuts; they painted the entire populace of Peanut City (for security reasons I can’t tell where that is-never trust anyone!) Orange and changed their name’s from Peanut People to Orange Peanut People (the city was also called Orange Peanut City). Now that all the Peanuts were magical, the easily kept the Squirrels at bay, but failed to defeat them because the Squirrels had gained a new ally; Brussels-Sprouts!

I know Brussels-Sprouts aren’t Orange, but they ARE magically EVIL! I mean, they stink, they taste bad, and they give you really bad gas! Can’t much more magically evil than that, can you?

Well, enough un-important details (for now)! I really should get back to the history of the Orange Peanuts.

So anyway, the Orange Peanut People fought bravely (and magically) for many, many years. After many, many years, though, they decided that their name-Orange Peanut People-was way to long and ugly, so they shortened it to Orange Peanuts. That’s a lot better, huh?

Ever since then (which was a rather ling time ago) the Orange Peanuts have been fighting and dieing bravely to protect everything non-Evil Squirrel related.

So help the cause; if you see a squirrel that looks even mildly evil, kill the bitcher!

 

Top 15 Reasons for Being Fired from Toys ‘R Us

15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”

13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

12. Numerous parental complaints about your “Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy” display.

11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.

9. The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”

3. Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”

 

I Was Walking Down the Street Phrases

– One day I was walking down the street when a tree bit me in the ass.

– One day I was walking down the street when a panda began to spank me and call me nancy.

– One day I was walking down the street and a dolphin took a crap on me.

– One day I was walking down the street and I was ambushed by a group of gay lawyers wearing tutu’s.

– One day I was walking down the street when a baboon walked up to me and pinched my behind.

– One day I was walking down the street when I realized my bosom was showing so I buried myself in a sewage tank and began to sing christmas carols.

– One day I was walking down the street and saw two squirrels doin it doggy style on top of a parked car.

– One day I was walking down the street when a monkey came and took my pants.

– One day I was walking down the street and a albanian prostitute tickled me.

– One day I was walking down the street and saw a man filming pornography in a tree.

– One day I was walking down the street when an eel slapped me.

– One day I was walking down the street and I saw a man named Bubba removing a white substance from his eye (god knows what it was).