Redneck Driver’s License Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

 

Bizarro Facebook #22527: Obamacare Isn’t a Tax…

A facebook friend shared this picture on his wall, which spurted the following conversation:

 

Obamacare Isn't a Tax...

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: 1.7 trillion over 10, sounds like the best for our country right now… Socialism bitch slap from across the ocean just reached America.

Travis: Please educate yourself… http://www.reddit.com/tb/vbkfm

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: LOL! educate yourself.

David: Looks great, aside from the extra cost of all that additional necessary stuff. Pricing us right into nationalized healthcare. On someone else’s watch (because if he doesn’t get re-elected, then he can blame this mess on someone else. If he does, then it was all part of his plan and it’s “doing just fine”)

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: It’s just disgusting. It’s a complete failure to America. Why not have states compete? Wait for the date people push HC for their pets. You’ll get more for that then family or friends or donations

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: ObamaCare is just a way to let socialist into this country and see how good socialism works around the world. check it yourself on more than one page.. many places and learn it yourself read up on it understand it.. Fuck OC as in obamacare.

davepoobond: Yeah those fuckin people with preexisting sicknesses can go fuck themselves. If they want to die then they can go die on their own dime.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: You are either funny or ignorant? You figure it out. We have more problems with ObamaC then we are now. Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help. You’re baby has 103 temp and sick if they are too young can get denied help. DO YOUR WORK FOOLS!

(next day)

davepoobond: oh, the part where they scrapped the “death panel” thing you’re talking about? http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/14/nation/na-health-end-of-life14

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Wow one thing gone, if thats true.. So your telling me you know all about this HC plan that I’m pretty sure no one has read the whole plan yet? Like Pelosi who said you’ll have to pass it to find out what’s in it? Or do you just like it cause you hear it’s good? You think I would really tell someone whose sick to go fuck themselves? Guy there are better ways that our easily more explained and can help more people that this nonsense… Even your liberal buddy Bob Beckel who couldn’t receive HC after his heart attack and open heart surgery went across state lines and received HC, so why shouldn’t we just open that door to everyone and let HIC compete then rates will drop and you don’t have to write a new plan over 900 or some odd pages. And we wouldn’t have to change this country in to something it should never be. Also when did it become every hard working Americans job to take care of everyone else. You know that’s how America wanted to be at first then they realized how many people took advantage of it and didn’t do shit. So they came about capitalism and competed to keep people working for what they need. Obamacare is a complete failure to this country and everything we gone through to get what we become.

davepoobond: wow. i find it absolutely hilarious you wrote all that, but it still doesn’t deny the fact that i researched the topic you brought up, proved it as false, and then you dismissed it like it was nothing. it isn’t even an issue of whether or not the bill is something to get behind or not. it is about you hiding behind the fact that you were wrong and now you cant accept it. hahah.

davepoobond: im not even liberal. my views are generally more of a neo-conservative. so i’m sorry that i stepped on your toes.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: How was I wrong when what you put up hasn’t even be denied just talk about how it should be taken out, so in the long run I was tight.

davepoobond: how does the sentence “A Senate panel has decided to scrap the part ” imply any part of temporary status regarding that part of the bill?

davepoobond: also from the article: “Legislation passed by the Senate’s health committee does not include the consultation measure.”

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: I didn’t see a date to the one, cause last I heard after the date above Aug, 14 2009 it was still going. SO unless you can put a date to that for me. I will believe if the plan holds up and you don’t see it happening. Obama has already lied several times before whose to say he wont again.

davepoobond: From wikipedia: Passed the Senate as the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” on December 24, 2009 (60–39) with amendment.

Passed the House on October 8, 2009 (416–0)

So you’re saying within 2 months after that article was written, they reincluded the “death panel” clause in there and it got approved after it was taken out? They removed something only to put it back in, is what you are saying. Not only that, the onus of proof is on you at this point. I’ve already proven my point.

Also, I find it hilarious that you would think they would be able to revise the bill and approve it unilaterally in the house in 2 months and then added back in the next month in the senate. That’s some fast government work if i ever heard of it! It’s like they almost didn’t want to add something like that back in…

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Will see what happens when my 70 year old parents get sick.

davepoobond: So instead of “doing your own work” on research like you were preaching earlier you’re going to take the lazy road and not show any proof of what you were proclaiming as the truth and presenting a fallacious strawman of your parents getting sick in some undeclared point in the future to prove your point? Get out of here with that crap, man. Put your money where your mouth is. Show me proof that the death panel exists and is in the law.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Really, This is what I read in your wiki. “Death panel” is a political term that originated during a 2009 debate about federal health care legislation to cover the uninsured in the United States.” Then if you read all of it later down the line you see in 2010 a dem supporter still talks about how your medical conditions will be put in front of a group of an elected few to some and reviewe… Now if that’s not the true meaning of death panel in its own sick way then believe what you want, and when it comes to haunt you then you can go complain to someone like yourself who will post some article from the left then use wiki, without reading the whole page. I’m done now I have proved you wrong when there was something about it before 2009 then they change the words and keep it in the bill but you don’t care for that either.

davepoobond: The page I linked does not have that quote. I typed it in verbatim and nothing. The only mention of the word “council” on that page is for the national prevention health promotion and public health council which is for developing a health promotion strategy. Are you just making stuff up now?

davepoobond: Look up “death panel” on wikipedia. Right there it says it was dropped. Do I really have to keep proving this? I guess you can just keep on spouting disinformation. Doesn’t hurt to get your facts straight.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: That’s where I looked guy..

davepoobond: You are being painfully obtuse. Now that I know you’re looking at the “Death Panel” wikipedia article instead of the actual article I was REFERRING TO about the PPACA initially, it says IN THAT VERY LINE THAT YOU ARE QUOTING, NOW THAT I’M LOOKING AT THE RIGHT ARTICLE: “nothing in any proposed legislation would have allowed individuals to be judged to see if they were “worthy” of health care.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_panel

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: All I can say is any article I have read says death panel is nothing and means nothing, but the more you read into Obamacare, I still read that there will be a group of PEOPLE no medical doctors or your opinion counts. When it comes to them, and the only way to get around it is private assistance what means leaving the country. Look at the whole Obama campaign with that little girl they use. Still in the mandate and still has people deciding when you get to an age who give the upwards or downwards signal of the thumb. You must agree with abortion and disagree with the death penalty.. cause this is the complete opposite. Once again all you feed me is a bunch of nonsense. I told you death panel was used as a political term in an earlier post and explained who decides your faith if you can’t find it then I’m not going to explain it… When the fucks who passed it wont keep it for themselves then you know its bad…. so you can go read the 2100 pages of his bill and when you get through it come talk to me then… LIKE I SAID I’M DONE WITH YOU.

davepoobond: you’re not even making complete sentences. you are completely going crazy, i hope you realize that nothing that you wrote out makes any sense. “Earlier” when you somehow said this exactly, and I’m copying and pasting: “Over the years if a panel thinks you shouldn’t live cause your 60 with cancer you get cut from medical help.”

That is not saying that you are saying that the death panel is nothing and means nothing. You have not shown me any proof or articles describing what it is you are talking about. You are telling me to go read a 2100 page health care bill. LOL. Can you not debate in a non fallacious fashion? Is all you can say “go find the proof for yourself”? That is not how it works. You are supposed to convince me of something with PROOF. You have NONE at this point in time. You are building up strawmen and that is a FALLACY. The onus of proof is on you to prove to me that whatever it is you are talking about exists.

And don’t think you can just make assumptions about what i believe about abortion and the death penalty. That isn’t even the point of what we are talking about. What are you trying to get at? Are you trying to hit at some other part of what I believe so you can just say that my opinion is less than yours? How is that going to help you? You said that there are death panels, you did not say “DEATH PANELS ARE USED AS A POLITICAL TERM” when describing about how your 70 year old parents will get sick in some future point of time and have their fates determined by a death panel.

You are trying to deflect, terribly. Learn how to think for yourself and actually learn how to argue your points. For all you know I am against the health care bill. What I AM for is the anti-disinformation. There is no point to lie about what is included in the health care reform bill whether or not you agree with it. It is okay to say that you were wrong, but you are so adamantly defending your position and twisting your own words to cover your own ass for some reason I can’t even begin to fathom.

Sorry, bud, you lose this one.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: WHy do I need to prove anything to you… I’m here to point out what I know and seen of the plan. You haven’t proved otherwise to me. If you can believe an article from someone you don’t know who is person like you or me but can’t believe what I say from my own intelligence of doing research what’s the difference… Why do I need to waste my time talking to a mindless zombie who cuts and paste but when I prove a point you say it’s nonsense and is no proof. Well I’m the proof, all I need is my mind to know count on memories… What would you do with out a computer carry around newspaper articles all day? I just need to know the research I done is in my head and everyone I talked to who isn’t an Obama lover agrees with me so I don’t know where you stand but I know you must only sit in front of your computer all day. So sorry bud when you stop working out and Obamacare cuts you from everything then you can write back to me… PEACE OUT, good luck with your articles hope they don’t brainwash you like the word death panel from the obvious fact there are people who sit on a panel and decide what your worth..

davepoobond: You are declaring yourself an expert on the topic, now? Seriously? You can’t honestly think that anyone in the world would take something as asinine as “I know it because I know it” as proof of anything. “You’re the proof.” You’re the proof, alright, of many other things. Not of anything that we are talking about. You are going bananas and off on tangents that do not make any sense. I behoove you, please realize you have just said that you need not prove what you say because what you say is infallible. You are essentially saying you are all-knowing.

I wasn’t even the one who used the word “panel” originally. You did! How am I the one being brainwashed? Have you never written a report for school before? In the Cited Works section did you just say “Me” for everything you wrote and didn’t even research the topic? That’s not how it works if you want to be seen as a legitimate source of information for anything.

You need to prove something to me because you keep saying everything I say is false. I say “show me how its false.” You say “no, I know its false so thats why its false.” HOW do you know this? Did you absorb the content of the bill by osmosis and then construe parts of the bill that do not exist in your head?

davepoobond: I posted an article from a person who is an actual journalist and has access to finding out information from the source. I can’t just talk to a senator if I want to. Do you not understand the concept of news?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Fine so you now are not doing your work and want me to send you crap from someone to read.. I can’t talk to a senator either but I don’t believe every freak reporter or I would be a mindless idiot like most other people look up Phil Roe- no smoke blown or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith cause like your proving to them we need someone else to make your decision for you… Now that I proved my point from some article or so read you get you can stop and realize you run with the pact. Later guy now do your own work next time.

davepoobond: you’re not understanding that I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO ANY WORK TO PROVE YOUR POINT

davepoobond: i can’t believe how hard it is to have you post a link to anything. not to mention it probably wouldnt even be a reputable source outlet, but that’s beside the point.

(10 hours later)

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot:  You are a tool!

davepoobond: I would absolutely love to know the reasons why you think that I am a tool. Please, indulge me.

davepoobond: You don’t even have to provide any links.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: hahahaha You just proved it… lol You don’t even need a link. Fuck your links.. just like every leftist I know.. I need a link. I gave you stuff to look up but probably to much homework for you.

davepoobond: im going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that was just a funny joke. now, how about actually answering the question

davepoobond: and i just said you dont have to, so that means i DONT need a link. does that make me aligned to the right?

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: Go reread everything. This is my point to you. I told you what I know. I should need to prove anything to you by links but thats all you wanted so when I gave you links to look at you just blew it off go do your homework… I’m done with this tool it can’t be fixed I’m throwing it out.. You are a tool. point made many times but your just going to think your right. There is a panel of people who decide what to do about sick people and it is a tax and if Romneys boy really says Romney doesn’t thinks its a tax then no matter what this country is fucked.. I’m done with you if you reply I will not cause again there is no fixing this tool time to get rid of it like obamacare will do if your to old to them. so peace out guy.

davepoobond: you didnt give me any links!!!! describing an article is not linking something!!! you are the most ridiculous person in the world!!!

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: TOOL last chance Phil Roe- no smoke blown, or IPAB (10) you can read all about a group of 15 people who decide your faith. You must not read.

davepoobond: do you understand the internet? a link is a url not the name of a web site. ALSO, i’ve never even heard the name Phil Roe, but obviously he can’t be taken seriously as a journalist since he has an amazingly huge conflict of interest — he is a republican congressman! of course you’re not going to bother learning what conflict of interest means so i’m just going to also tell you I can’t even find the article on his stupid web site that you’re even REFERRING to. How about you actually copy and paste a link for me to actually look at!

Or would that be too leftist for you to do? Making it easy for someone to find what you are talking about!

davepoobond: here’s something for you look at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Payment_Advisory_Board

With regard to IPAB’s recommendations, the law says “The proposal shall not include any recommendation to ration health care, raise revenues or Medicare beneficiary premiums under section 1818, 1818A, or 1839, increase Medicare beneficiary cost sharing (including deductibles, coinsurance, and co-payments), or otherwise restrict benefits or modify eligibility criteria.”

There you go. They have nothing to do with approving individuals getting coverage they need.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: lol

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: goodbye guy

davepoobond: what’s so funny about that? hello?

davepoobond: it took me all of 5 minutes to disprove you again. you are the worst at life and the internet.

Since he stopped replying, the next day I went through and Liked all his posts.

Jeffrey DouchebagIdiot: holly pooh dude are we still on this page you should have tomorrow off go play with something, ladies offer you a lot. Just realize they have have a few bitches behind them giving you a bad name… Like if you should go home with them or not,.. Happy 4th guy!

 

Newspaper Article

Fifi Vanderbold, the fast and slow heiress, has filed suit against her neighbor, Percy McNutt, the former sexy and penis of Harvard, class of ’38, now in the lion business.  Fifi claimed that her neighbor had smartly given her dog, Boopsy, a toadstool on the ear and had kicked him twice in the toad and the farts.  Mr. McNutt, when asked to comment said “Arrrrgh!  This is a writing lie. I only slapped him on the heart.”

 

Joke #18660

A local newspaper was doing a story about how housing developments were eating up farmland, putting the livelihood of local farmers in jeopardy.

They interviewed Arthur Brown, a well-known and respected farmer who lived on the outskirts of town. He had received numerous high-dollar offers for on particular field which bordered a nearby housing development.

The photographer took a picture of Farmer Brown standing on the controversial piece of land. The picture appeared in the story and mentioned Farmer Brown as….

..”a man out-standing in his field.”

 

Joke #18619

Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions” that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”

She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”

Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”

Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”

 

Joke #18560

First thing – every single morning – one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud.

“Gwen,” said our boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?”

“Of course not,” Gwen answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”

 

Joke #18412

Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”

Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”

 

Joke #18390

Jim Tapree was a noted Iowa agricultural scientist who spent time developing a husked species of a vegetable that would be hearty enough to grow in the weather found around 23 degrees S latitude.

Seeds were planted and the growing was monitored by Tapree and the locals who were all excited about the possibility of having a vegetable that would withstand the elements and the insects. When it was time to harvest the local newspaper praised the scientist and the vegetable and hailed it as the…

“Crop Pick of Tapree Corn.”

 

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

You Know You Are From A Small Town When…

– The local phone book has only one yellow page.

– Third Street is on the edge of town.

– The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

– You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.

– You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

– No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

– You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

– Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

– The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.

– A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.

– You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.

– Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

– You can name everyone you graduated with.

– School gets canceled for state sporting events.

– Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

– Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference

– It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.