Quote #24074

“i have no desire for a half ass lover. i want someone to grab my neck and tell me i belong to them. i want to be wrapped around you on a Friday night in bed and have your lips be the last thing i taste before i go to sleep. i want you to bring me coffee in the morning and i want to rub your back at night. i want a love that can set my heart on fire and i want a lover who i can intoxicate with my madness.”

– from a girl’s dating profile

 

Lovely Text Message #22444: Dee -> davepoobond

I got a text message from some random number. So, as I usually like to have fun with these kinds of things, the following ensues:

Dee: Marcel? It’s dee

davepoobond: Hey baby what’s up how you doin

Dee: Hi lol I’ve been pretty good actually. Wbu?

davepoobond: O u kno jus chillin

davepoobond: N e plns 4 tonite

2 hours later

davepoobond: Yo you there?

5 hours later, at 1:57 AM she texts me again. (I was sleeping. Who the fuck texts back at 2 AM in the morning?)

Dee: My bad, my phone died. I was helping my cousin move

I wait until about 5:30 the next day and send her…

davepoobond: Hey what up dee what you up to

Dee: Whos this

davepoobond: What are you talkin bout

Dee: Who’s this*

davepoobond: Who is what

davepoobond: This is marcel

Dee: Which one? Lol what’s your last name

davepoobond: Why u askin how many marcels u kno?

davepoobond: Wait who is this

Dee: I know a few, and it’s dee. So which is it?

davepoobond: Jones

davepoobond: Which dee is this

davepoobond: U there?

Dammit! My like-a-black-guy texting didn’t convince her or something happened that tipped her off that she was texting the wrong person.

 

Joke #18724: Garbage In, Garbage Out

LONDON – What’s the old saying…I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it!

A cleaning lady at London’s Tate Britain art gallery clearly didn’t know the creation she was throwing away was art…but we can hardly blame her because what she was throwing away was trash.

German artist Gustav Metzger’s work consisted of cardboard and paper wrapped in a plastic see-through trash bag.

When the cleaning lady came in at night and saw a bag of trash sitting on the floor she threw it in the dumpster.

Imagine the artist’s chagrin when he came in the next morning and found his ‘piece’ missing. But all’s well that ends well. The trash was dug out of the trash and put back on display, only a little worse for wear.

 

Joke #18704

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent.

A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

“Tell me,” the professor began, “exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?”

“Well,” mused the unperturbed young man… “first they saluted, then they asked, ‘How are you this morning, sir?'”

 

Joke #18676

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”

The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, “Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”

 

Joke #18665

A church-going cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

The next morning a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes!

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaven-ward and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!”

“Not really….” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

 

Joke #18561

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames”

“Here!”

“Jenson”

“Here!”

“Jones”

“Here!”

“Magersky”

“Here!”

“Seeback”

No answer.

“SEEBACK!

The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.

 

Joke #18560

First thing – every single morning – one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud.

“Gwen,” said our boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?”

“Of course not,” Gwen answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”

 

If College Students Wrote the Bible

If College Students Wrote the Bible…

– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.

– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

 

Joke #18478

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.  We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband’s favorites. “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”