First Day of Working Out

Well, I started working out this week on Thursday.  It was sort of fun being able to do the exercises with someone else.  I’ve never really done exercises with anyone else and its good to have a friend there cause he can tell me what I’m doing wrong or tell me how to exercise more efficiently than I would otherwise.

I’m not a health guru or even that knowledgeable about things you can do in the gym so its nice to be able to have someone there.

Recently my mom has been drilling into me that I am almost thirty years old (I’m only 25), and practically telling me that I’m fat and unsuccessful.  She’s told me that she regretted sending me to college because my major has done nothing for me.  I think its terribly unfair that she says these things because she’s making it seem like my life is already over.  She says I have no ambition and that may be true, but ambition isn’t for everyone.  I don’t see how doing random things that she envisions me doing that I have no interest in doing dictates whether or not I have ambition or not.  The things I am ambitious about are all with the internet, with my web site and my ability to create, and that’s good enough for me.

In either case, it wasn’t so much of a wake-up call as it was just making myself better, and having enough of living the way I have been.  Yes, I want to make my mom stop telling me to lose weight and to stop poking and prodding me to getting a job, but if its not those things it’d be another.  That’s always how it’s been with her.  In high school when I wasn’t “dangerously” overweight (I was still overweight, I’ve always felt that way) it was me being on the computer too much or me spending too much time playing games, or whatever.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  Those things haven’t directly affected anything in my life, and blaming anything but my own attitude and complacency would be a scapegoat.

 

How To Have a Flat Stomach

If you don’t have a flat stomach, you can never have freaky posture.  You can strengthen the fruits in your stomach by proper exercises.  Here is an exercise that will improve your dick.  Lie on the floor on your sex bone and raise your dick over your head.  Do this 69 times while keeping your pussy tense.  Next exercise:  stand with your pooer flat against the wall. Bend over and try to touch your butts. This will keep your spine sexy.  Next, sit on the floor with your knees bent against your bank.  Then freely sit up and touch your shopping cart with your left toad.  Keep up these exercises until you feel pink.  Then stop.  At once.

 

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.