Ridiculous Spam Mail #22174

Subject: Why?

Hi.

Are you looking for a bride? Maybe I’m the that interest you!
My name is Karina and last name is Kuzmina. I live in Kaluga. I am a nice “kitten” with an interesting personality. You can see for yourself in my photos. I am 23 years. I have a good education and a profession favorite. I adore to go skating. I like communicating with my friends, discussing all aspects of living.
I have light hair and brown eyes and would love to write letters with good man. Oh, I can speak for hours about my ideal match and how I see relations with my true love. If you dream you meet me then contact me communicating with me is easy and fun and you will never be bored with me.

 

Major To Major

I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:

“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”

Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”

Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”

Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”

Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”

Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”

Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”

Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”

Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”

Undecided: “Uh…..”

History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”

Computer Science:

try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}

catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}

 

Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”

Liberal Studies: “Same here.”

Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”

Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”

French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”

“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”

Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”

Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”

Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”

Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”

Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”

Computer Science:

Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”

Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”

French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”

Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”

Music:

“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”

– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”

“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”

Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”

Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”

Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.

Undecided: “Uhh…”

Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”

Computer Science:

DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();

Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”

Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”

Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

You Know You’re Sick When…

You know you’re sick when…

– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”

– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.

– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.

– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.

– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis

– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”

– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.

– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on

– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.

– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.

– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.

– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.

– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”

– you get bees up your pants regularly.

– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.

– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.

– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”

You know someone in your family is really sick when…

– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.

– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.

– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.

– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.

– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.

– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.