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1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

Tags: marriage, woman

Tagged People: Matt Sussman

A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.

“Silver,” she said.

“Why not gold?”

“Because I want you to come second for once!”

Tags: condom, gold, sex, silver

Tagged People: Matt Sussman

Q: Why are men like parking spaces?

A: Because by the time you get there, the only ones that are left are handicap.

Tags: handicap, parking

A man is having an affair with his wife and decides to stay round his new found lovers house for the night.  They decide to have an all nighter.

In the morning the lover decides to ask the man how is he going to explain his absence.  He tells her to go outside and rub his shoes on the grass.  The woman does it, but is confused.

When he goes back to his own house, the wife asks “Where have you been?”

The man replies “I’m sorry but I’m having an affair with you.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You liar, you’ve been out playing golf all night!”

Tags: golf, marriage, wife

Tagged People: TreDeef

Q: What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?

A: Raising up his feet so you can vacuum.

Tags: feet, vacuum

Q: What did the baby corn say to mama corn?

A: Where’s Pop corn?

Tags: baby, corn, dad, mom, popcorn

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Tags: breast, eyes

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Tags: dog, husband

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough.

Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”

Tags: car, cough

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

Tags: birthday, candy, eye, french fries, hot dog, milkshake, movie, popcorn, soda

Tagged People: McDonalds

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

Tags: English, professor, student

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Tags: boyfriend, husband, sports

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house.

His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone……..”

“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

Tags: agent, house, writer

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..

Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart - If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet.  But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter.  He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.

Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!

The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus – See The Wife.

My partner - He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other – He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed – He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.

Tags: baby, girlfriend, husband, money, name, parents, tofu, tree, wife, winter, women

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

“Why didn’t you wait till your husband got home?” someone asked.

“I could have,” my mother told the group,” but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”

Tags: co-worker, couch, furniture, mother