Rolls of Justice

INT. Apartment-type room.

PORTER RODELL fumbles around with the camera as he sets it up.

PORTER
Fucking tripod, I don’t understand this shit.

Porter leaves the camera alone and walks back a little bit.

PORTER
Okay I’ve had enough of this shit man. Nick and his supertanker of an ass seemingly use up all the toilet paper in the house, constantly. That shit is expensive. And he’s a fucking—

The video cuts, and in Porter’s place we see NICK STALWHART, Porter’s roommate.

NICK
I’d just like to say that Porter has got it all wrong. I don’t know what Porter uses all of his toilet paper on, he still smells like he doesn’t wipe his ass.

PORTER (Off-screen)
2 squares bitch! That’s all you need! 3-ply Quilted goodness filleting my taint!

NICK
Man, you’re gross!

Video cuts again and Nick and Porter are in front of the camera.

NICK
Alright, let it be known that starting today, we will monitor both of our toilet paper usage on video.

PORTER
And we’ll finally prove that you’re trying to destroy our toilet with your massive shits.

NICK
Man, shut up!

PORTER
You’re always in there for thirty minutes, at least!

NICK
I like to watch videos.

PORTER
What the fuck?

Nick stands up and turns off the camera while Porter looks at him in astonishment.

Cut to Nick holding the camera and recording two new rolls of toilet paper. Nick’s name is on one roll and Porter’s is on the other.

NICK
To test our hypothesis, we have two new rolls of toilet paper. All previous rolls of toilet paper have been burned as to prevent any cheating. These rolls will be used until gone. When one is used up all the way, we will compare to the other roll to see how much is left.

Nick moves the camera to look at Porter.

NICK
Say hi to the camera Porter!

PORTER
Man, FUCK YOU!

PORTER smacks NICK but you only see PORTER’s hand go off-screen.

Cut to Porter holding the camera and walking around the house to a closed door.

PORTER
The time is now 7:05 pm. Nick has been in here since six FORTY FIVE.

NICK (Behind door)
HEY! What the hell are you doing out there Porter?

PORTER
Nothing Nick! Nothing at all!

NICK (Behind door)
You’re a fucking liar!

PORTER
HEY FUCK YOU

NICK
EAT ME!

PORTER
OH YOU SON OF A BITCH

PORTER fumbles with the camera and it turns off.

Cut to Nick holding the camera and looking down at the rolls of toilet paper.

NICK
After one day, we are about even. For reference we have another new roll of toilet paper.  About 1/8 of an inch has been used off each of the respective rolls.

PORTER
Respective? I hate that word! Why do you use it? You’re such a lamer!

NICK
It’s not lame to be sophisticated!

PORTER
And it’s sophisticated to have a good vocabulary?

NICK
Actually, yes.

PORTER
Then I’m glad I’m not sophisticated because I don’t want to be a sour gummy bear!

NICK
A what?

PORTER
That’s my word for being the ultimate form of stupid! See, I can be sophisticated too, with my extreme mastery of the English language!

NICK
Fucking Porter.

Cut to Nick holding the camera.

NICK
There has to be some way of disproving Porter’s 2-Square Law. It’s impractical, and I know he’s lying. I must go to the source. I have been able to trap a flush of Porter’s… “business” by rigging the plumbing to dump into a basket outside. As I do not want to get the camera dirty, I will investigate and report back in due time.

Cut to Nick gasping.

NICK
Oh god, I dug through his shit for like 20 minutes. I couldn’t find ANY toilet paper at ALL. I am now of the persuasion that this man does not use any toilet paper at all! No wonder he always smells like fecal matter!

Cut to Nick holding the camera as he goes toward Porter on the couch.

NICK
Ah-ha! There you are! You’re a goddamn louse – a cheater at the very least!

PORTER
What the fuck are you talking about?

NICK
You sick fuck! I trapped one of your toilet flushes in a basket outside. There was no toilet paper at all!

PORTER
Wh-wh-what the fuck did you just say?

NICK
YOU DON’T USE TP!

PORTER (breaking down)
I-i-its true…I don’t use toilet paper at all. I’m allergic to it, my legs chafe after I use it. I have to…use my hands!

NICK
WHAT THE FUCK!

PORTER
But it was to my benefit! I would have won this raspberry-filled chocolate of a contest!

NICK
But wait a second, that doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t use toilet paper, then how come your toilet paper roll has been steadily decreasing?

PORTER (shrugging)
I dunno…

NICK
There is a saboteur in our midst! There is only one person that can be behind it! Or two.

Camera style changes from this point on. Becomes more like a normal movie.

Nick and Porter walk slowly to a closed door with no lights on behind it.

Nick and Porter look at each other. Nick gulps and then knocks on the door. As he knocks on the door, the door creaks open, obviously not shut all the way. The room is dark.

NICK
Um…hey uhh…Alan? Are you…are you there?

PORTER (whispering)
He’s not here let’s go, let’s just drop it.

NICK
Shut up! I heard something!

A growling noise is heard.

ALAN
Grrrrrrr…

Nick and Porter take a step back.

ALAN
Who the FUCK is that?

NICK
Ummm hey Alan, it’s Nick!

PORTER
And Porter!

ALAN
I know who it is! What the fuck do you want, you dweebs?

NICK
Uh well…Alan I was wondering…

PORTER
We were wondering if you knew how much we owe you for electricity!

NICK
No, actually, Alan…

PORTER
Shut up, I don’t want to ask him anymore!

Alan peers out through the cracks of the door.

ALAN
What……is it……!?

NICK
Well, you see Alan, Porter and I, you see…

ALAN
That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said.  “I see.” — I DO see. I see two stupid mother fuckers wasting my god damn time. Do you know how that makes me feel?

PORTER
HAVE YOU BEEN STEALING MY TOILET PAPER??

ALAN
Oh God. What the hell is this shit?

PORTER
Have you been stealing my toilet paper?

ALAN
………YES, its true! Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I only put up this macho man appearance so that you would be scared to ask me about your toilet paper disappearing.

Alan opens the door wide and grovels at Porter and Nick’s feet.

ALAN
I’m soooo sorry…I can’t make excuses for what I’ve done in the past. The only thing I ask of you is to please not punish me too badly for what I’ve done!

NICK
I don’t believe this.

PORTER
Me neither.

ALAN
Its not like you’re using it anyway, I figured what would be the problem, you know. I wish I could scoop it all out with my hands but I’m not that kind of person. I’m not, however much I try. I come from the slums of Burbank, you know? We don’t have luxuries like Toilet Paper or CD players or air for that matter!

NICK (whispering to Porter)
What the fuck is he talking about?

PORTER (whispering back)
I don’t know, I thought he was your friend?

NICK (whispering)
He is, but we grew up in Anaheim…

Porter shrugs.

ALAN
And then there was the time I went to the bowling alley and played Revolution X until my ears bled from too much Aerosmith.

Nick picks up Alan and shoves him back into his dark room.

NICK
That’s why we don’t give you any light bulbs Alan! I’m afraid of what you might do if you could actually see what’s around you!

PORTER
That kid’s fucked up.

NICK
It’s not like Alan to make decisions on his own. He was put up to it by someone else…

Nick and Porter appear in front of another door.

NICK
I’m sure he was the one that made Alan steal our toilet paper.

PORTER
Are you sure you want to confront him? It’s only been 7 days since he’s tried to foul up our Cranium game.

NICK
Cranium is a different matter. This is Toilet Paper!

Nick and Porter enter the room without knocking and are face-to-face with their enemy.

NICK
Nathaniel.

A sinister-looking man stands in front of his window, facing Nick and Porter.

NATHANIEL
The infamous Nick and Porter. Your shenanigans have become tiresome in this household. I have brought it upon myself to bring you down.

PORTER
Downstairs?

NATHANIEL
No.

NICK
But we’re upstairs.

NATHANIEL
Shut up.

PORTER
I don’t get it. This is kinda Almond Joy-ish.

NATHANIEL
Almond Joy what?

PORTER
Perplexing.

NATHANIEL
What the fuck are you talking about?

PORTER
Almond Joy-ish. It means perplexing.

NATHANIEL
What the fuck?

NICK
A myriad of vehement staplers are on their way to crush your impotent dreams of grandeur, Nathaniel!

NATHANIEL
Ok, I’m so fucking lost right now.  You two are fucking idiots. Just leave my room. I’ll give you the rent check later.

Cut to Nick and Porter outside Nathaniel’s room and the door shuts behind them.

NICK
Well, that was easy.

PORTER
Milky Way.

NICK
Would you stop that shit?

PORTER
I can’t, it’s the different things I call my creations as I scoop my ass.

NICK
Oh god.

NATHANIEL (off screen)
WHY IS THERE A BASKET OF SHIT UNDER MY WINDOW OH GOD IT SMELLS SO BAD!! I’LL GET YOU NICK AND PORTER!

NARRATOR
And the conspiracy to bring down the emperors of 307A had been demolished. Nick and Porter went on to become CEOs of AIG and Lehman Brothers at the same time, while Alan became CEO of Washington Mutual. Nathaniel stayed at home with his mom after college and worked at the local bookstore until he was forty as a cashier. Being fuddled by Nick and Porter had taken its toll on him and he lost all reason for living. He now has 50 max-level characters on World of Warcraft and sells gold to friends around town.

Moral of the story is: If you shit in a toilet, wipe up.

 

Why Can’t They Just Lose The Ring in the Sink?

Written by Dave Barry.

I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It’s a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.

Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it’s a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?

I say this because it’s a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ”Flagodirt” or ”Grempkin.” So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:

SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II

(Scene 1)

FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!

SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?

FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!

SAMWISE: But who will guide us?

FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?

SAMWISE: Dick Cheney’s in this movie?

GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.

(Scene 2:)

LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions — Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf — in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!

LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.

GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!

(Laughter)

LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!

LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

(Scene 3:)

MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!

PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!

TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)

FRODO: How come, if I’m the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I’m stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?

GOLLUM: Maybe it’s because your big hairy feet make you look like you’re wearing a pair of dead weasels.

(Scene 6)

LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba’Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!

LEGOLAS: Now you’re just making stuff up.

LORD ARAGORN: Well, it’s not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.

GIMLI: I’m still short!

(Laughter)

(Scene 7)

FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?

SAMWISE: That ”Weasel Feet” would be a good name for a rock band?

FRODO: Yes, as would ”Kung Fu Trees” and ”Combat Alfalfa.” But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be…

SAMWISE: No! Not that!

FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

 

Dialogue Between a Hillbilly Husband and Wife (very dramatic)

Maw: Paw, git up.  It’s time to fuck the hogs and milk the trees.

Paw: Milk the trees???  Listen, I milked them last night.

Maw: Well, git up.  Listen, the old red cow is crowing.

Paw: What’s fer breakfast?  Corn pone and black-eyed poop?

Maw: No.  I got some nice fried beer belly.

Paw: Good.  After breakfast I’ll slap the chickens and I’ll have to fix the still.

Maw: What’s wrong with the still?

Paw: It’s turning out pee instead of moonshine.  I think I’ve been putting too much meat in the mash.

Maw: Well, don’t forget to take your rifle, Paw.  If a Revenue Agent spots you you can shoot him in the arse.

 

Waitress and Customer

Scene:  A restaurant (where else?)

Customer: Oh, waitress!  Would you bring me a drink?  I’d like a dry cum on the rocks, with a twist of peach.

Waitress: All right, sir.  Will you order your dinner too?

Customer: Yes, I’ll have the roast prime teachers of beef with the lung pudding.

Waitress: We’re out of that.  How about a sizzling sirloin Eric with a spicy green salad?

Customer: No, thanks.  I’d rather have the smooth fried chicken.

Waitress: We’re out of that, too.  How about fried Erics?

Customer: No, thanks.  Do you have any roast Long Island lesbian?

Waitress: No, but why don’t you try our brown goulash with homemade weiner sauce?

Customer: Oh, never mind.  Just bring me a shot egg sandwich and a cup of black sylvia

 

Love Scene

To be performed by Chelsea and Matt.

GIRL:  Before I go inside, I want to thank you for a sexy evening.  I’ve really had a busty time.

BOY:  I’ll bet you tel that to all the butts.

GIRL:  You’d better go now before my sink hears you and wakes up.  He’s a very crazy sleeper.

BOY:  I don’t care.  Darling, I love you more than fart itself.  Let me take you away from this terrible light bulb.

GIRL:  You’re staring.  I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last whore on earth

BOY: But darling, you’re breaking my butt.  I love you.  Please marry me and be my henchwoman.

GIRL:  I’m sorry, but I’m already engaged to Bill Clinton.

 

The High School Monster

Narrator: Our scene is in a stinky high school in poopooville. The students are fucking with fear. Listen, as our heroine, Man With Boobs, speaks to Girl With No Hair.

Man With Boobs: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young poops and boiled the poop teacher.

Girl With No Hair: Don’t be afraid, doggy. I think the monster is really just a crap.

Man With Boobs: But UndieMan saw it. It has 65 arms and long poo-like hair and pee-yellow teeth.

Girl With No Hair: Hmm. That sounds like me.

Man With Boobs: When I go out I walk very fast.

Girl With No Hair: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the crappy bait.

Man With Boobs: Oh no! Do I look moo? Get some other poopoo.

 

The Gaytrix: Regayed

(scene opens up with people in a greenhouse punching out their cards in the time clock)

(Larry, one of the security guards is watching everyone punch out)

Gary: Hey Larry

Larry: Hey Gary

Gary: See ya tomorrow Larry

Larry: Okay Gary

(Larry is watching I Love Lucy on one of the TVs in front of him, not paying attention to any of the security camera TVs. Not like it really matters.)

(outside, a fat guy in a tight suit on a moped launches himself into the air, and jumping off the moped, he lands on the floor, making ripples in the floor. The moped crashes into the greenhouse. After a few seconds, a huge, pink heart expands from out of the greenhouse. After it disappears, the greenhouse collapses then blows up.)

(The security guards that weren’t in the greenhouse run to their cars and come out with rocket launchers)

Fat Guy: Oh shit.

(the security guards line up, and kneel down)

(in succession from left to right, each security guard fire rockets, which are actually dildos)

(bulletin time – the fat guy turns around and bends over. All the rockets fly into his huge ass. The fat guy falls over in orgasm.)

(Fat Guy gets up again, but this time the Security Guards bring around their H2s. They blow off the back end and bring out their huge laser cannons that look like penises)

(they all shoot, and in bullet time, the cannon fire goes towards the Fat Guy, with his mouth wide open. He eats all the lasers, but one shoots into his eye)

Fat Guy: Ow! That stings!

(Neo wakes up. In bed with him is a fat guy)

Neo: what the fuck?

Fat Guy: Hi honey…how are you?

Neo: Who the fuck are you?

Fat Guy: don’t you remember? We had gay, loving sex last night starting at 2:00 p.m. until 12:00 a.m. 10 hours!

Neo: I’m not gay!

Fat Guy: oh yes, you are…

Neo: Get the fuck out of here you fat guy

Fat Guy: I thought we were past the weight issue! I don’t appreciate this, Fredrick!

Neo: My name is Neo

Fat Guy: Oh, so now you’re trying to give yourself another name now. I thought we were lovers, but now, I just don’t know you. Good bye forever. Regin will not take this!

Neo: Fine. Good. Get the fuck out.

(later that day)

Morpheus: hello, Neo. I trust you had a good time…::cough::. I heard sucking sounds that could rival the vacuum cleaner, and insertion sounds that would rival a plunger in the stankey toilet –

Neo: ENOUGH! Obviously that guy drugged me or something

Morpheus: Ok, enough of that. It makes me unsettled. Rmember to keep the gay stuff in the Gaytrix and not in the real world. Its what we’re fighting AGAINST remember?

Neo: yeah, I know.

(Its been 6 months after the last movie, so everyone has more hair except for Morpheus)

Morpheus: So…

Neo: What do we do?

Morpheus: hold on…I have to see who’s still alive

(Morpheus walks out)

Neo (waiting): dooby dooby doo…

(Morpheus comes back with a checklist)

Morpheus: ok…Seifer…dead, but alive

Trinity…alive

Tank…alive

Dozer…alive

Annoying Hacker Kid…alive

Link, the new guy…alive

Ok! That’s everyone!

Neo: Goody. So what do we do?

Morpheus: umm…we should probably work on our dance routine.

Neo: ok.

(5 hours later)

Morpheus: ok, good job. Let’s get some sleep and work on our next mission tomorrow

(everyone sleeps)

(Neo is dreaming again. In his dream, Seifer is eating a hamburger. Nothing is happening. He’s just taking bites out of his hamburger and chewing. This goes on for about an hour. Then the scene changes and Neo is a McDonalds employee)

(Neo’s abusive manager, Pap Finn, whom is Huckleberry Finn’s father, comes over and starts yelling at Neo)

Pap Finn: Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you’re better than me?

Neo: No, sir!

Pap Finn: shut the hell up! You’re dead to me! Meet me in the backroom for a cowhiding!

(Pap Finn leaves)

Neo: I don’t want no cowhiding! Comon Jim! Let’s leave this place

Jim: My name isn’t Jim. Its Doug E. Doug

Neo: comonnnn, Jim!

Doug E. Doug: um…ok…

(Neo puts on a hat and puts a corn cob pipe in his mouth. Neo paints Doug E. Doug blue)

Doug E. Doug: why’d you paint me blue?

Neo: so the slave-catchers will think you’re a sick Arab!

Doug E. Doug: Slave-catchers?!?!?

(Neo jumps over the counter and onto a raft that is in the river running through McDonalds)

Neo: Comon, Jim! We don’t have that much time! The slave-catchers are coming!

Doug E. Doug: Why the hell am I doing this? I had such a promising career after I was in Cool Runnings, Operation Dumbo Drop and That Darn Cat!

(scene cuts to a cow bell ringing)

Morpheus: wake up everyone! Time for our next mission! We have to do…something. We’re kind of playing it by ear right now. We don’t know what we’re doing, frankly.

(no one is around Morpheus to hear him)

Morpheus: hey! Get up!

(Morpheus rings the cow bell really hard)

(Seifer opens the door to his room)

Seifer: What the hell? Stop ringing that stupid piece of shit!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber.

(Later, everybody is up and sitting in front of Morpheus)

Link: Is this how you usually get up in the morning? Having a cow bell rang at 4 o clock in the morning?

Neo: pretty much

Morpheus: ok, stop talking you gabby girlfriends. We have a mission to do

Seifer: whatever it is, I’m just going to sell you out again. Oops…did I just say that out loud? Darn…

Morpheus: ok, Seifer, take a time out

Seifer: aw man. Not the playpen…

(Seifer gets up and walks into a room)

(as the door closes, the camera zooms in on “playpen room.” Screams are heard.)

Morpheus: okayayayayayayay. Let’s go into the Gaytrix.

Neo: and do what?

Morpheus: um, I’m still not sure. Let’s see the Oracle.

(everyone enters the Gaytrix except Tank, Dozer, and Link)

(Tank sits on the chair in front of all the screens and junk)

Link: heyyy! I wanna sit there!

Tank: Too bad.

Dozer: yeah, too bad.

Link: what am I gonna do then?

Tank: You can baby-sit Seifer

(Link walks into the “playpen room.” It’s a whit eroom with a big playpen in the middle)

(Seifer is wearing a bib, a bonnet and is chewing on a rattle)

Seifer: mama!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I JUST LOVE GONG IN2 DA GAYTRIX1!!111!1 WTF DA NEDLE TAHT GOES IN DA BAK OF UR HAAD FELS LIEK A PENIS GONG IN2 UR AS1!1! LOL

Morpheus: What the fuck did you say? Are you sure you’re not gay? You’re not going to backstab us like that faggot Seifer are you?

Annoying Hacker Kid: OF COURSE NOT11!1! WTF LOL THOUGH I’D LIEK AN ANAL RAPNG ONA OF THES3 DAYS BY NEO1!11!!1! OMG LOL TAHT WUD 2TALY ROK MAH SOKS OF1!1!!!!1 OMG LOL

Morpheus (thinking about whether or not the kid should come): Y’know what….just shut up okay?

Annoying Hacker Kid: ALRIGHT DONT WORY IL B QUEIT!1!!1

(In the Gaytrix, Neo, Trinity, Morpheus and the Annoying Hacker Kid go to see the Immensely Horny Greedy French Guy With A Hot Wife, or just IHGFGWAHW for short)

Morpheus: Hey, you fucker French guy. Give us the Asian you keep locked in a room so we can do something and then get into the Gaytrix and then make it not gay anymore

IHGFGWAHW: bwah bwah bwah French French French. (looks to his wife). Waha ha ha ha French French French.

Hot Wife: My boobs are hard. Fuck me right now.

(The two ghost guys with white dreadlocks have sex with Hot Wife. It becomes apparent through the course of them taking their clothes off that the Hot Wife is actually a man)

Neo: Sick…

(Trinity barfs)

Annoying Hacker Kid: OMG TAHT IS SO COL11!11! OMG TAHTS LIEK A 15 INCHAR RIGHT THEYRE!11!! OMG WTF LOL O WATE UR NOT GONG 2 STIK TAHT IN HER BAZNGER R U??!??? OMG O MAN THIS IS A FMILY FILM WUT R U DONG?!!!? THIS ISNT IN TEH SCRIPT1!!!11!! OMG LOL WH3RE IS DA DIERC2R?!?!??! OMG MAH VIRGIN AYES!!1!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL

(Morpheus pulls out an AK-47 from his ass, and shoots everyone except Neo, Trinity and Annoying Hacker Kid. He then shoots Annoying Hacker Kid in the head.)

Annoying Hacker Kid: TAHT FUKNG HURT1!!!1 OMG Y DID U SHOT M3 IN DA H3AD U STUPID BALD BLAK GUY111111! WTF LOL I WASNT 3VEN SUPOSED 2 DEI THIS WAY1!1!! WTF LOL I WAS SUPOS3D 2 HAEV S3X WIT TEH MAN IN TEH RED DRES BFORA I DEID!11!!1!1 OMG LOL I HAEV DEID1!1!!!!

(Morpheus shoots him some more. Neo takes out two pistols and starts shooting the fuck out of Annoying Hacker Kid. Trinity barfs on Annoying Hacker Kid’s bullet-ridden body)

(Back in the real world, Annoying Hacker Kid looks like he’s having a seizure. He gets a hard on that is poking through his pants. Its only 2 inches long.)

Link: Sick dude. He’s getting a hard on from getting shot.

Tank: I’ll take care of it.

(Tank pulls out a gun and starts shooting Annoying Hacker Kid with a magnum. Dozer picks up a chainsaw and starts chopping parts off of Annoying Hacker Kid)

Annoying Hacker Kid: THIS IS MAZNG!1!11 LOL IMM BNG SHOT IN TWO DIFERENT WORLDS AT TEH SM3 TIEM!!1!!1 OMG LOL IMM NEVER GONG 2 DEI IMM AN ANOYNG HAKAR11!!!1 OMG

(Annoying Hacker Kid finally dies. A split screen appears, and one final shot from both sides are planted in Annoying Hacker Kid’s head. The shooting took all of about 10 minutes. During this time, the Asian that makes keys comes out of the bathroom)

Asian KeyGuy: That was the best gay sex I ever had! Boy this movie is GAY!

Neo: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASIAN. FUCK THE ASIANS, THEY SHOULD ALL DIE.

(Trinity and Morpheus stare at Neo. This is a movie to bash gay people, not become racist)

Morpheus: OK, I quit. I’m not doing a sequel. Fuck this movie. You guys SAID no racism!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I’m sick of being dead. This movie is ridiculous. I’m going home; I’d better see the paycheck waiting at home for doing this crappy movie.

Neo: Umm…I’m sorry, I got too much into the violence…

Trinity: hey, y’know what? You can’t keep using that as an excuse. You did this last night too. Just because we were having sex, doesn’t mean you have to go into ALL the holes. My ass is for poo coming out ONLY.

The Architect: Hey, you guys can’t stop now! I have to make an appearance in the movie before its over.

Trinity: FUCK OFF. The Architect is GAY, OBVIOUSLY. He’s a stupid faggot that made everyone gay in a gay world full of gay flowers as explained in the first movie.

Andy Wachowski: Ok, everyone shut up. We’ll just end the movie like this. The next movie will be even crappier so that people will hate the movie but we can still make millions off of it.

Neo: Good idea.

Seifer: Fuck that shit. I ain’t coming back for another sequel. I was supposed to die in the first one!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber!

(Morpheus shoots Seifer with the pretend AK-47)

Seifer: Fuck dude. Stop shooting me.

(Morpehus starts to shoot everyone. This influences everyone to take out machine guns and shotguns and start blowing the shit out of people. The shooting involves a lot of Matrix stuff, and an original soundtrack, just for the 5 hour fight scene, by Dashboard Confessional. At the end of the 5 hours of shooting, it ends with Annoying Hacker Kid eating Seifer’s leg)

The End

 

The Boston Marathon

This was a group effort by davepoobond, elmoisfurry, Nose, stimpyismyname, and Soup Nazi.

INT. Apartment Complex Hallways – DAY.

ANDROMEDOUS approaches a door, pulls out his keys and inserts into the lock.

CUT TO:

INT. Typical Boston Apartment, scarcely furnished, impeccably neat. CLYVE and ALABASTER are sitting on a couch reading different newspapers. They both have goofy smiles.

Clyve

 

Lover, will you pass me the sugar?

 

Alabaster

 

Of course, lover.

Door to the apartment opens. Enter Andromedous, looking bushed.

Andromedous

 

Hello, lovers.

 

Clyve spills his milk.

 

Clyve

 

Oops.

 

 

Andromedous

 

Dude, you are so gay.

 

 

Alabaster

 

Dude, you know perfectly

 

well, none of us are gay. Our love is

 

plutonic, and pure as the wind.

 

 

Andromedous

 

I’m sorry, lover.

 

Everyone laughs.

 

CUT TO:

Opening sequence.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

A shot of Clyve spilling milk. The shot freezes, and Clyve has an astonished look on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Alabaster is undoing his pants.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Pan from Alabaster’s back to Andromedous and Clyve. They giggle and cover their eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Andromedous eating a fatty ice cream sundae.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Alabaster and Clyve making pig noises while wearing pig noses.

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM – DAY

BAAA is sewing.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM DOOR – DAY

CARLYLE opens the door, looking around with a strange look on his face. RUFUS pops his head out behind CARLYLE.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM – NIGHT

PETA MEMBERS, looking mean, all stand with their arms crossed against their chest. Camera pans across their faces slowly, as each has a different mean look.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Shot of Bathroom door, ALIAS kicks the bathroom door open.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM

Alabaster has an astonished look on his face. Alias and Alabaster laugh. Andromedous and Clyve come out of the shower, clothed, and start laughing, too.

CUT TO:

TITLE SCREEN: BOSTON MARATHON.

INT. APARTMENT

Clyve, Andromedous, and Alabaster are sitting on the couch.

CLYVE
I’m going to the grocery store, to get some meat.

Oh my god, I love meat. Don’t you guys want meat?

Meat, its what’s for dinner! Meat! Oh my God…

ANDROMEDOUS
Whatever, lover.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE MEAT SECTION – DAY

Clyve is shopping for meat in the meat section of the meat market, called Meat-O-Rama.

CLYVE
Boy there’s so much meat, I don’t
know what to buy! Maybe this, or
maybe that one? I don’t know, that
one is kind of mixed with some
other kind of meat. I’m not sure
if that combination is practical. I
hope there’s no soy, cause I hate
soy in my meat. Meat meat meat….

PETA MEMBERS run in and abduct Clyve, hit his legs with a club, and cover his head with a bag.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ROOM – NIGHT

Clyve has the bag on his head still, and is tied up to a chair.

CLYVE
Where am I? Where did you take me
you crazy abductor people?

PETA MEMBER FRED
We’re members of the PETA
organization. We disapprove of
your eating habits. You should not
eat meat, because you’re eating
animals that have once been living,
and that is not good in our eyes,
because we think our opinions
should be forced on everyone.

PETA MEMBER JOHN takes the bag off Clyve

CLYVE
My God, you guys are horrible. How
can you reject the sweetness that
is meat? You are denying
yourselves the treat of the kings.
Just remember, if animals could
kill and eat us, they would. But
they can’t, so we must take this
advantage and serve them the duty
of eye for an eye!

PETA MEMBER FRED
Ok, that’s it. We didn’t want to
do this, but now we’re going to
have to tickle torture you.

CLYVE
NOOOOOO!!!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
YESSSSSS!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM

ANDROMEDOUS
Where is our lover, Clyve? He left
for the meat market 2 hours ago.
How I miss his touch and love of
meat. When I was lonely he would
make me a nice loin or chop. When
I was happy, he would depress me
with butt steaks or goat goulash.
Where could he be?

CUT TO:

INT. DEEP MYSTERIOUS LAIR.

CLYVE
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat,meat,meat!!!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

CLYVE
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat, meet.

Peta member Fred pulls out a gun and opens fire. It becomes apparent that it is not a gun but a hose and the bullets are nothing but water.

CLYVE
When my plutonic lovers get here
they are going to destroy you and
your beliefs. I will be free,
alive, and eating meat while you
will be enslaved, dead and eating
salad. Ya’ll mean.

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up.

CLYVE
We’ve been through this before.
There’s nowhere for you to go but
down. I respect your beliefs but
you have to understand that what
you would do for meat, meat would
not do for you. You’re living a
lie. FACE IT!!

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
One more time and it’s the hose for
you. You think I’m kidding but I’m
not.

CLYVE
I’m not afraid of you. You don’t
scare me.

Awkward pause

CLYVE
I said I’m not afraid of you. You
don’t scare me. Ya’ll mean.

Baaa enters.

BAAA
When’s the rodeo begin boys, I
brought the rope. Yee ha.

PETA MEMBER FRED
Who’s this butt clown.

CLYVE
That’s my neighbor Baaa. He was in
nam. He’s got like two dozen fish.
His wife is all like oh my god and
she makes cookies straight from
heaven. If you could meet her, you
would fall instantly in love. She
will be forever in my heart. I’m
desperately in love. But it’s a
love different than that of my
plutonic lovers and I. I love them
with my heart, but I love her with
my soul

 

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up.

CUT TO:

INT. LOVERS APARTMENT-DAY

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat,
meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat.

CARLYLE and RUFUS enter

CARLYLE
Did somebody say meat. I love
meat, and kittens.

RUFUS
Yeah. When I was born in Boston,
meat was a forbidden substance.
You would often have to fight for
days to get one buffalo steak.
Thank God, those days are over.
Although I can’t say the same for
poor old Charlie. Charlie grew up
and died in a world without meat.
Yeah, Charlie was in the war too.
You can ask a man to go to war. You
can ask a man to kill another man,
but you can’t ask a man to forget.
Charlie was the best thing that
ever happened to this little god
forsaken hick town. Charlie had
something, and you took it away
from him. For what? For WHAT? So he
could cap a few more commies? He
deserved better. We all did. You
ruined us Andromedous. You ruined
us. We could of had a future,
instead of these crap jobs at the
dirt farm. HOW COULD YOU TAKE AWAY
OUR LIVES LIKE THAT?

 

CARLYLE
He’s right, ya know?

 

ANDROMEDOUS
About what?

 

CARLYLE
About everything man! The meat, the
war… Charlie. (A pause) God…
Charlie…

CUT TO

INT. DEEP MYSTERIOUS LAIR.

CLYVE
You stole our lives, you stole our
blood… You stole our innocence.
You’ll remember this day. You’ll
remember it for a long time.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM DOOR

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
WE LOVE YOU Rufus.

RUFUS
I love you too. We’re having
tofurkey later with soy salad
dressing on our salad. We’re then
gonna toss the salad. Meat is for
sinners. I’m totally contradicting
myslef. Earlier I said I loved
meat. I don’t. I live with a
vegetarian and PETA member Carlyle.

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
PETA!!

CUT TO:

INT. DISNEYLAND APARTMENT.

PETA MEMBER FRED
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

CLYVE
I didn’t say anything. I never said
anything. Stop assuming I’m bad
just because I’m a meat lover. It
wasn’t easy for me growing up in a
vegetarian household. I was beaten
with the sausage links I loved so
much. Boom, I was shipped to
boarding school.

 

Big explosion and door implodes.

ANDROMEDOUS
We’re here

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Hooooooooooowa

 

CLYVE
Lovers!

 

ANDROMEDOUS
Lover

 

ALABASTER AND ANDROMEDOUS
Lovers, lovers, lovers

 

ANDROMEDOUS
Everythings okay again.

Enter GIJOE, a muscular man of 40, tall, white…

GIJOE
Hey kid! I’m a computer! stop all
the downloading! Help computer!

 

CLYVE
I don’t know don’t know much about
computers… we got a computer at
home and my mom put a couple of
games on it but…

 

GIJOE
BZZZTTTTTTTtTTTTttTTT!

Clyve barfs.

18880052021348038121651

86753099999999

E

Yain*9-+

56++5028404.84okm

 

Some Show

Written with elmoisfurry.

Scene 1

(Narrator is sitting in a chair, cross legged)

Narrator: hello and welcome to the first episode of Some Show. Since this is the first episode, we’ll give you a little background information for the stars of our show.

(a kinda screwy guy looks at the camera)

Dave: honk!

(goes back to narrator)

Narrator: this is Dave. He just got out of rehab. In his spare time he’s a ninja that hangs around with clowns and pirates. They all use pogo sticks and usually go on night raids in people’s houses, stealing their milk in broad daylight

(Ted appears)

Ted: augghh!!

Narrator: this is Ted. He just broke out of jail, and hangs around Dave. He carries a big sword around and acts like Conan the Barbarian.

(Dave and Ted are sitting in a room watching TV)

Ted: I’m bored, let’s go somewhere.

Dave: wait a second – I hear something!

(Dave and Ted look at the closet door and out comes the Unsolved Mysteries guy, theme included)

(the camera goes back to an angle where you can’t see the closet)

Dave and Ted; ahh!!

(Dave and Ted run out)

(outside)

Dave: I suck

Ted “the goopey man”: yep yep!

. . .

F! all that stuff above, for now at least, might bring back for later scene, but not in beginning, gay (you are)

. . .

Dave: ok, but where?

Ted: where else? But Scrappy and Scooby’s Sammich Stand!!!

Dave: ….oh yea…

Ted: wook

Dave: eh?

Ted (picks up sword): wookah (says it slow and mean…)

Dave: ………………………………..oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! or here (gives Ted 5 bucks)

(Dave picks up pogo stick and ounces off to the distance, …or drive away…)

(hopefully falling lotsa times in the process)

(Ted chases after his sword, its rolling away on a skateboard)

(end)

 

Conan – The Epic

Cast:

Conan – elmoisfurry

Ninja Dave – davepoobond

Misc. chars (colin and dave)


Scene 1(“grassy field”)

Narrator (deep voice): we join our hero, Conan the Barbarian in a great battle!

(Conan is fighting against a bunch of guys as he runs down the road)

Conan: har har! Get down!

(Conan ducks as Ninja Dave swipes over his head with a punch)

(Conan stabs him and he falls. He is laying on the floor)

Conan: who ah you? Who sent you?

Ninja Dave: you’ll never find out, Conan! You are already dead!

Conan: what? What do you mean?

Ninja Dave: I mean…

(Ninja Dave disappears)

Conan: what? What is this?

(Conan picks up a naked Barbie)

Ninja Dave: ahahahaha! I turned into a naked Barbie doll, so you’ll never find out the truth-hey don’t touch me th-

(Conan throws him on the ground, and swipes at him. The doll turns back into Ninja Dave)

Ninja Dave: we must Kung Fu Fight!

(Ninja Dave and Conan start fighting)

Ninja Dave: you are a formidable foe but can you withstand my high flying punch from….yeah…

(Ninja Dave slaps Conan really hard)

Conan: ow! I don’t think so…!

(Conan takes a slice, in slow motion at Ninja Dave’s head, and he misses)

Conan: how did you do that?

(Ninja Dave takes out his small bat)

(the camera is in front of Ninja Dave, and Ninja Dave “strikes at it,” making it seem like it was Conan, and he falls to the ground)

(fade out)

(end)

 

Cranky oll men (that rob little babies!)

Cast:

Prometheus: elmoisfurry

Ceaser Chavez: davepoobond

Others: others


(old folks home; 3 P.M., dinner just ending)

Prometheus: bahhhhh I’m ollld….

Ceaser Chavez: eh?

Prometheus: quiet, old fool!

Ceaser Chavez: awww….

Prometheus: hey

Ceaser Chavez: wha?

Prometheus: i hate babies, don’t you?

Ceaser Chavez: one second, did I just poop mah pants again?

Prometheus: stupid babies, always crying, and whining, and poopin and peein, and always shitting ya crotch… man’s best friend my sweet wrinkled rump!

ole Gabe: that’s dogs ya twit

Ceaser Chavez: bah! it poop again!

Prometheus: how much money do you think babies make, selling their bears to tiny ducks named Fred?

Ceaser Chavez: more than we used to, back in the day, we had to make our own bears out of jello and coal! yea, and then those ducks only paid us enough money for half a bear, that took it anyway! good fer nuthin ducks, always taking my jello-coal bears! (cries softly)

Prometheus: i’m in the mood for robbin some babies

Ceaser Chavez: k

ole Gabe: blah

Prometheus: not just any babies, little ones! with rattles, bibs, diapers; the whole kit-n-kaboodle!

Ceaser Chavez: hurrah!

ole Gabe: hurrah!

frauteufelakke: ::bead::

(they run out, at old man speed, ole Gabe is about to get his stroller when a baby-gang busts a few caps in him, and explodes, cause he was old, and that’s how old people die… according to the voices…)

(end)

 

Trash Can Betty

(Betty is on a street corner, “hiding” in a trash can)

Betty: I hope no one finds me in here

(Betty stays in the trash can the whole night)

Betty: well, I guess no one was looking for me

(audience laughs, because he has a banana peel on his head)

(the next morning, he is still in the trash can, sleeping. You can hear snoring inside the trash can)

(a garbage truck comes along, which sounds like his snoring in the trash can, so the Garbage Man doesn’t know Betty is in there, and he dumps him into the garbage truck. Betty falls in with a big thump, and the garbage truck’s hatch closes up)

(Betty wakes up)

Betty: where am I? Did the trash can get bigger? Or did I shrink?

(audience laughs because he’s so stupid)

(5 hours later, the garbage truck ends up at the dump, and he’s dumped in the middle of nowhere)

Betty: oh great. Now what?

(audience laughs)

Betty: where’s all that laughing coming from?

(Betty looks around and then shrugs)

(Betty sees a huge hill of garbage)

Betty: I wonder, what’s up there?

(Betty climbs up halfway – when a huge bulldozer appears out of nowhere, coming straight at Betty!)

(audience laughs as Betty runs for his life down the mountain of garbage)

(Betty trips and falls head first into a toilet, tipping it over, making it so that he is on top of the toilet, with his head in the bowl)

(Betty takes his head out of the toilet, looking over the bowl at the bulldozer coming straight at him. All of a sudden, a washing machine flies out of nowhere and blows up the bulldozer)

Betty: whoa! What was that?

(Betty looked at where the washing machine came from, and he got a horrified look on his face)

Betty: oh no! GARBAGE PEOPLE!

(10 scantily clad garbage people wearing trash can suits with sharpened TV antennas and trash can lids for shields came up to him)

Garbage person 1: who are you?

Betty: I’m Betty. I don’t know how I got here

Garbage person 3: It was the Gods! I swear it! They drive their trucks down here and throw away the people they don’t want! Just like Mr. Teddums here.

(Garbage person 3 pets a teddy bear that has its bottom half cut off)

Garbage person 7: we were once just like you. Alone, and afraid in the truck, and being chased down by those mechanical brooms!

Betty: riiighht….

(audience laughs)

Garbage person 10: are you laughing at us!?

Betty: me? Of course not…I’m gonna go home now, bye.

Garbage people: bye

(audience laughs)

(end)

 

Why Ale?

davepoobond also wrote this.

EXT: Yale Campus

Students walk by. BELLS TOLL

CUT TO:

Title Screen “Why Ale? – The FIRST Ivy League school to graduate a TARD”

Bells continue

CUT TO:

HOLDEN, a man with a turned up nose holding a handkerchief, is sitting in a chair.

HOLDEN

Yale. The very mention of it makes

me very excited. Hi, I’m Holden Mc

Fargo. Join me as we take a tour

through Yale. Experience its mystery,

its splendor, and its Gay German

club. Lets start at the beginning.

Who gets accepted to Yale? The

most worthy? The rich kids? No no

no, it’s far more simple than that..

CUT TO

INT: Acceptance office

MAN with stamp is stamping a pile of applications.

MAN

My job is to stamp this pile of

letters… I’m not really sure how

we get all the students accepted

every year… I’m pretty sure I

stamp all of them… (shrugs)

(Hitchcock shot)

[Parts between brackets go on at the same time in split screen]

[

INT: Prestigious bedroom

Hitchcock shot of ARMEN, an overweight Armenian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

ARMEN

(excited)

Oh boy! My Yale letter!

(runs out)

INT: Messy bedroom

Hitchcock shot of PAULIE, an overweight Caucasian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.

PAULIE

(hung over)

God… that’s bright…

(walks out)

]

[

EXT: Prestigious driveway

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Armen opens it and gets his acceptance letter.

ARMEN

(screaming like a little girl)

EEEEEEEE! I got in! That

Armenian crap worked!

EXT: Dirty driveway littered with car parts

Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Paulie opens it and gets his regection letter.

PAULIE

(Yelling)

**** ***** ****** **** *****!!! My 4.9

didn’t work! *** **** ******** *******

***!!!!

]

CUT TO

HOLDEN is standing by a fireplace. He lights up a pipe.

HOLDEN

Every year, the Yale Bus, or the

“Yale Yale” as the students prefer

to call it, picks them each up for

their trip to Yale. God I love Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street corner

PHILIPE and ARMEN meet.

ARMEN

Hi Philipe, are you taking the Yale

bus to Yale?

 

PHIILIPE

I believe it’s called the Yale Yale.

 

ARMEN

Oh.. so are you taking the Yale

Yale to Yale?

 

PHILIPE

Yale.

 

ARMEN

Eh?

 

PHILIPE

It means “yes”.

(Bus pulls up)

BUSDRIVER

All Yale?

 

KID IN BACK OF LINE

Uh, Harvard?

(bus driver takes out an uzi and mows him down)

BUS DRIVER

(panting)

All Yale?

(everyone nods)

Good..

CUT TO

INT: Den

Paulie is sitting on a sofa eating cottage cheese, watching TV, and hugging a pillow.

CUT TO

HOLDEN is frying eggs.

HOLDEN

Yale University comprises three

major academic components:

Yale College (the undergraduate

program), the Graduate School of

Arts and Sciences, and ten

professional schools. In addition,

Yale encompasses a wide array

of research organizations, libraries

and museums, and administrative

and support offices. Approximately

11,250 students attend Yale. My

wife is a thieving whore.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom at Yale

Armen and Phillipe enter and sit down. SALAD BOWL, the dean, enters wearing “unusual attire”.

SALAD BOWL

First off, I’d like to welcome you all

and congratulate you. Congratulations,

you go to Yale. (everyone applauds)

Yale University is a large research

university with a wide array of

programs, departments, schools,

centers, museums, and affiliated

organizations. This Factsheet

addresses some frequently asked

statistical questions about Yale,

especially those concerning

undergraduate programs. Only a

subset of Yale’s resources are

represented in this Factsheet. For a

fuller view of the University, consult

related web pages that can be reached

via the University “front door” at

www.yale.edu. Now I’d like to welcome

your professor, ROBESPIERRE, the

18th century leader of the Jacobins!

(APPLAUSE)

(Robespierre enters in 18th century French attire)

ROBESPIERRE

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) I’m insanely French.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Robespierre is sitting in front of the camera.

ROBESPIERRE

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

we like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m French. Eiffel tower.

Blah blah blah.

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Armen is sitting in front of the camera.

ARMEN

All the professors at Yale like to

begin classes with applause. Then

they like to say, “Congratulations,

you go to Yale.” Then we applaud

again. I’m Armenian. System Bro.

Blah blah blah. Wait don’t go yet.

I really do want to talk about Yale-

CUT TO

INT: Paulie’s room. He wakes up and walks out to the kitchen where his MOM is cooking.

PAULIE

Hey… got a cigarette?

 

MOM

Do I..? Who do you think you are?!

You can’t smoke in my house! BLAH

BLAH BLAH!! (Paulie walks out)

CUT TO

INT: New classroom. CHRISTOPHER LOWELL walks in.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

Congratulations, you go to Yale.

(everyone applauds) Eh Uh! ( everyone

says “Eh Uh!” and we cut between

them for a minute)

CUT TO

INT: Closet

Christopher Lowell is sitting in front of the camera.

CHRISTOPHER LOWELL

I remember one time, on one wall,

someone wrote, “Yale sucks. The

only schools that really matters are

Princeton and Princeton because

we’re simply better than you are.”

(Hitchcock shot) Eh Uh! (Cut to

camera guy. He does it too)

CUT TO

INT: Holden is heard behind a bathroom door.

HOLDEN

The Yale Webmaster Team is

responsible for maintaining accounts

and services on the institutional web

server. The Webmaster pages contain

information on web publishing, policies,

privacy, and access to summary reports

of server logs.

CUT TO

EXT: Paulie is asking random people for cigarettes

CUT TO

INT: Dormroom

STUDENT1 and STUDENT2 are talking

STUDENT1

Yale yale yale yale yale.

 

STUDENT2

Yale yale yale yale! Yale?

 

STUDENT1

Yale…

CUT TO

EXT: Street in front of Yale

People are doing normal crap. Some kids run in chasing a Jet. He jumps into their arms and shouts “JEEETS!”. Everyone drops what they’re doing and gets into formation. Musical dance number with Nick’s Yale song ensues.

CUT TO

INT: Holden’s pad.

Holden is holding his bloody hand.

HOLDEN

Each Yale undergraduate belongs

to one of the residential colleges.

Most students live there after their

freshman year (most first-year

students live together on Old Campus)

and take their meals there; some

courses and many extracurricular

activities are organized by the

individual colleges; and a great deal

of socializing with classmates, faculty,

and others is centered in the colleges.

The Yale College Undergraduate

Admissions Web site provides a more

extensive overview of the residential

college system, and the Yale College

Online Tour presents a range of visual

experiences of residential college life.

I ain’t got no college degree you stupid

asses. YOU stupid. Asses.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

JOEL, the film professor, is sitting in front of the camera.

JOEL

Mmmyes, here in Yale we have many films

and yeah… here’s one of them. (shows

a film where Dave eats stuff in slow

motion) Wonderful. (shows a PSA that is

not hitchknifer)

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FRANZ is in front of the camera

FRANZ

I run the German club yes?

HAHAHAHA! Emerging in response

to student initiative and creativity

during the 1960’s, the Gay German

Cultural Center at Yale University

seeks to develop an environment in

which cultural diversity is understood

and respected throughout the campus

community and beyond. Helping Yale

University to be responsive to the

cultural, intellectual, developmental

and social needs of a complex and

diverse student body, the Center

incorporates undergraduate, graduate

and professional students, faculty,

administrators, Chinese Hockey Team, alumni, and

members of the New Haven community

into a constituency of common interests.

Symbolizing “home” for those who

aspire to greater understanding and

appreciation of Gay German and African

culture, the Center and its student

organizations provide a wide range of

academic support and advisement,

leadership skills training, and

cultural/socio-political programming.

Events such as lectures, poetry slams,

cultural center teas, political forums,

tutoring and mentoring of youth in New

Haven, and a host of stimulating activities

take place regularly. Among the annual

events are:

Gay German Student Welcome Reception and

Open House, Gay German Solidarity Conference,

Parents Weekend Classical Music Recital,

Yale/Harvard Game Activities, Alumni Career

Panel, Movie Nights, Gay German

Graduate/Undergraduate Mentor Night,

Kwanzaa Ceremony, Weekly Study Breaks,

Art Gallery Exhibits, Martin Luther King

Commemoration, Gay German History Month

Celebration, Achievement Awards Banquet

and Gay German Graduates’ Celebration.

HO HA HO HA!!

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

FREUDOXI, the team captain of the Chinese hockey team, is sitting in front of the camera.

FREUDOXI

The programs, services and

activities of the Chinese Hockey

Team Cultural Center are

administered by the director, who

also serves as an assistant dean

of Yale College. Assistance in

conducting the Center’s affairs is

provided by two graduate student

Chinese Hockey Team, and a

team of ten undergraduate student

Chinese Hockey Team members.

With a cadre of student peer

counselors (ethnic counselors),

the assistant dean/director offers

academic advising, personal

counseling, guidance, referral, and

problem-solving services. In

addition, the Chinese Hockey

Team produces a bi-monthly

newsletter and annual

intercollegiate magazine: Black Ivy.

All members of the Yale community

are welcome.

CUT TO

INT: Classroom

SPLINTER, the ninja club curator, is in front of the camera

SPLINTER

Ninjas can kill anyone they want!

Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time

and don’t even think twice about it.

These guys are so crazy and

awesome that they flip out ALL the

time. I heard that there was this

ninja who was eating at a diner.

And when some dude dropped a

spoon the ninja killed the whole town.

My friend Mark said that he saw a

ninja totally uppercut some kid just

because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate

Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that ninjas have

REAL Ultimate Power you better get

a life right now or they will chop your

head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you

ask me.

Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet

that I want to crap my pants. I can’t

believe it sometimes, but I feel it

inside my heart. These guys are

totally awesome and that’s a fact.

Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong,

powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to

start yoga next year. I love ninjas

with all of my body (including my pee pee).

CUT TO

Title screen “GO TO YALE”

 

Special Discount

A blank screen.

Narrator

Kids in the classroom, have more than just class to worry about.

Scene starts out in a classroom, a high school student, JACOBY, is in his English Class. MR. P is teaching a lesson.

Mr. P

Ok, now let’s analyze Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P goes to the board and writes down the first line of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P

Ok, now Mary had a little lamb. What does that symbolize?

Jacoby raises his hand.

Mr. P

Ok, Jacoby, what do you think?

Jacoby

I think it symbolizes that she has a lamb.

Mr. P

WRONG! YOU ARE SO WRONG! WOW, you’re WAY out of the ballpark with that one. Hoohoo…how about someone else?

REGANALD, in the front of the room, raises his hand.

Mr. P

Give it a shot Reganald.

Reganald walks to the front of the room with a piece of paper.

Reganald

It symbolizes the white pureness of the world around Mary and everyone that knows her. Mary herself symbolizes all that is good, because like her lamb’s fleece, she is as white as snow. And snow falls from the heavens above.

Mr. P

Good job!

The bell rings, and everyone leaves, as they’re leaving, the narrator speaks.

Narrator

Jacoby wasn’t what you would say was a “perfect student.” He had a life that you wouldn’t believe were real, from his cute appearance at school. In this day and age, people just get into the wrong things, and the wrong things lead to other wrong things, and those wrong things lead to other wrong things and those go to other wrong things, and pretty much everything they do is wrong by that time. And that’s what happened to Jacoby. What he did to Reganald was one of those wrong things.

CUT TO:

Outside the classroom. Jacoby walks out of the door, and outside Reganald is standing around. Jacoby walks up to Reganald and turns him around to face him.

Jacoby

Hey, fool. You showed me up in there. You’ve disrespected me by doing so. You’ve done this to me over and over, too many times over the years.

 

Reganald

I-I didn’t mean to, honest-

 

Jacoby

If I EVER see you on the streets, well, let’s just say you’d better be running before that. Now get out of my face.

Jacoby shoves Reganald, and Reganald almost falls. Jacoby walks away from Reganald, as Reganald keeps his eyes on him as Jacoby walks away.

Narrator

Jacoby doesn’t like it when people showed him up…it makes Jacoby look weak

CUT TO:

Jacoby walks into his room, and throws his backpack on his bed. The camera focuses in on the flashing light on his answering machine. Jacoby goes over to it and before he presses the button, it freezes and the narrator talks again.

Narrator

Before you hear the message, let me tell you something about Jacoby. He’s a dealer. No, not a card dealer…

It unfreezes and Jacoby replays the message. THOREN, another dealer and friend of Jacoby is on the message.

Thoren

Hey, fool, its Thoren! I gotta talk to you man, it’s not safe over the phone, so come over to where we usually meet. HURRY!

The message ends, and Jacoby walks toward the door of his room, grabbing his keys. And as he goes to the front door of his house…

Jacoby

Bye mom!

 

Mom

Where are you going, hunny? Have you done all your homework? Have you washed your hands?

 

Jacoby

What’s that mom? I can’t hear you!

Jacoby goes through the door, and closes it. Jacoby walks toward his car and gets in. A cool driving sequence toward the park, with music. Jacoby sings along with the music as he drives with the inside shots. In the last of the shots, you see Jacoby’s car drive by, and it pans over to an unknown person watching the car.

CUT TO:

Alley behind the park. The camera follows behind Jacoby as he walks around the corner. Jacoby stops, and he sees Thoren. Thoren is looking at the ground with his hands in his pockets. The camera switches angles to behind Thoren, and you see Jacoby looking at Thoren.

Jacoby

What up?

Thoren gets startled and he looks at Jacoby.

Thoren

Don’t do that to me man! You know how much I hate that! I have to be a lot more cautious now that things have been happening.

Jacoby

Things? What things?

The camera goes back behind Jacoby, and Thoren walks up closer to him, putting his hand on Jacoby’s shoulder and turns him toward the camera.

Thoren

Someone’s been reporting me man. It feels like I’m being followed! The last 3 deals the cops came after me.

CUT TO:

Thoren has a box in his jacket. Someone is walking by, and inconspicuously walks toward Thoren.

Thoren

Hey fool…you want the stuff?

 

Guy

Yeah, give it to me man, I need it. I’m trembling at night without the stuff. It feels like I might go blind! How much you askin’ for?

 

Thoren

Give me 12, special discount.

A police siren rings, and both Thoren and the guy look around and then run away. A crazy scene when they are scattering (music and camera work) following them.

CUT BACK TO:

Thoren and Jacoby talking. Now, in the back you can see someone in the back peeking around…and he does noticeable things, like making noises and stuff, but Thoren and Jacoby can’t see him.

Thoren

I don’t know what to do man. I can’t make any money. I’ve got things to pay for. I saw this crazy game on TV. I gotta buy it! It’s only 44,444.44!

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. Do you still have the stuff?

 

Thoren

Close to my heart man.

 

Jacoby

Hey, did you hear that?

 

Thoren

No…hey wait a second…!

Thoren and Jacoby look around and see the guy.

Thoren

Hey! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

 

Weird Guy

Oh crap!

A running scene through the ally and they run through other places, too. Music and camera work, too. After a while, Thoren and Jacoby get tired out, and lose him.

Jacoby

We lost him…I’m tired…we’ll get him later. I got his license plates…

 

Thoren

He doesn’t have any plates, fool

Thoren weakly pushes Jacoby.

Jacoby

Let’s go over to my place. We can watch TV…and do some stuff.

 

Thoren

Now you’re talking, eh heheh!

Jacoby and Thoren start laughing.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren sitting on the couch, watching TV. They do the “stuff” which is actually Cheez-Its and sugar, and special effects are happening and music is playing.

CUT TO:

The TV is on MTV, and a host guy is talking about the next music video with one of the guys in it.

Host

Hahahah that is soooo funny!

Artist

Yes, I know.

 

Host

Well, let’s see their music video.

The music video plays, and goes back to the Host.

Host

That was absolutely the greatest thing I’ve ever EVER seen! And its been number one for 3 years! Its AMAZING!

 

Artist

Yeah, I know.

 

Host

Well, that’s it for Mindless Music on MTB, Dumb Donkeys is next, after these messages!

CUT TO:

Thoren laughing and pointing at the TV.

Thoren

I just love MTB man, they have the greatest shows ever.

 

Jacoby

You said it, brother.

CUT TO:

The TV now has a commercial for KFC Chicken. Jerry Seinfeld is in his kitchen, when Kraemer comes in the door.

Kraemer

HEY JERRY HEY JERRY! HELP ME! GEORGE IS GOING CRAZY!

 

Jerry

Why, whatever could it be?!

George pokes out from underneath Kraemer’s arm.

George

HEY JERRY! HAVE YOU EVER HAD KFC CHICKEN BEFORE? MMMHMMM ITS SO GOOD!

 

Kraemer

Dear GOD, HELP ME JERRY!

Kraemer shakes Jerry by his shoulders, as the logo for KFC comes up.

Announcer

KFC Chicken is brought to you by Seinfeld.

CUT TO:

Jacoby shaking his head very quietly.

Jacoby

Man my stuff’s wearing off…

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV, and 2 cars are lined up in a row, and they’re both turned on, revving up their engines.

Announcer

Mortal Kombat…you love the blood, you love the game, you love the gore, you love the violence….NOW TAKE IT TO THE RACE TRACK, WITH MORTAL KOMBAT RACING!!!

The cars accelerate, and zoom past the camera. Racing scenes with a lot of music.

Announcer

MORTAL KOMBAT RACING! BUY YOURS TODAY AT ANY TOYS ‘R US, TARGET AND OTHER FINE STORES! Ah who am I kidding, those stores are really bad. ONLY 44,444.44!!

CUT TO:

Jacoby rubbing his chin.

Jacoby

I gotta get that game!

 

Thoren

I told you.

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV and white letters are across the screen, spelling out DUMB DONKEYS. The first 2 seconds of the Jackass theme song play.

Johnny Nashville

Hi, my name is Johnny Nashville, and this is eating with your mouth open.

Johnny takes a big bite of a sandwich and eats with his mouth open making snapping sounds.

Johnny Nashville

MMMhahaha! Yum!!

CUT TO:

The couch.

Jacoby

Man, I’ve already seen this before. Change the channel.

Thoren changes the channel.

CUT TO:

The TV. One guy is sitting in a chair with a piece of paper. 2nd GUY goes over to the 1st GUY.

2nd Guy

Hey 1st guy. What’re you reading?

 

1st Guy

The script for this movie 1st Guy is going to be in. Its called 1st Guy in 1st Guy’s Adventures.

 

2nd Guy

Did you just refer to yourself in the 3rd person?

 

1st Guy

No, he’s 3rd Person.

3rd PERSON walks over to them.

3rd Person

Hi guys. Whatcha doin?

CUT TO:

Thoren changing the channel again.

Thoren

I don’t understand that, man…

 

Narrator

Meanwhile, Romulus and Damian, the FBI Agents, are plotting a crack down on the so called “Cheez House” of Jacoby’s. What could this mean for Jacoby and Thoren?!

CUT TO:

ROMULUS is sitting at a table with his legs up on the table. He’s reading a book. DAMIAN goes over to him.

Damian

Hey Romulus. Are we supposed to be doing something?

 

Romulus

I’M not…YOU are. You’re supposed to be getting my Freakin’ Chicken Fried Rice from the Chinese Food Palace!

 

Damian

Oh yeah…I’m sorry…

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it. Go get my food, I’m hungry. Right now, Damian. Don’t make me tell you again.

 

Damian

Ok.

CUT TO:

Damian gets into his car and drives to the Chinese Food Palace. He goes through the drive through. You can see Damian leaning outside of the car window to talk to the DRIVE THROUGH GUY

Damian

Hi. I’d like some chicken fried rice…beef and broccoli…

 

Drive Through Guy

We don’t have any of those here.

 

Damian

….what are you talking about? This is a Chinese food place.

 

Drive Through Guy

It is? Oh yeah…sorry…I used to work at Payless Shoesource, we don’t call anything by name there. Ok, what else do you want?

 

Damian

And then…hey wait a second…haven’t I seen you before?

 

Drive Through Guy

Wait…what are you talking about?

 

Damian

Yeah! I saw you before!

CUT TO:

Damian opening the glove compartment, and getting a wanted poster with the Drive Through Guy’s face on it.

CUT TO:

Damian leaning outside the car window to talk to Drive Through Guy

Damian

You’re the Infamous Bunny Stealer!

 

Drive Through Guy

Uhhhhhhh………………..

 

Drive Through Guy runs away, and Damian gets out of his car and runs after him. He eventually catches him.

 

Drive Through Guy

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING MAN, LET ME GO OW YOU’RE HURTING MY SPLEEN!

 

Damian

QUIET!

 

Narrator

Yes, Damian is a gooooooood FBI Agent isn’t he?

CUT TO:

Romulus talking to Damian.

Romulus

So, then through all this, did you get ANY food for me?

 

Damian

Ah….no…

 

Romulus

RRRRRRGHHHH!!!! Now I’m mad. I’m going to go beat the pillow…

 

Narrator

Romulus has some anger management problems. Whenever he gets mad, he beats a pillow.

CUT TO:

Thoren, looking at his wrist (there is no watch on it)

Thoren

Hey, isn’t someone supposed to come over to buy some of this stuff soon?

The camera is at an angle that you see Jacoby’s face, kind of faded. And as he talks, you see someone walking by the window toward the door.

Jacoby

Ah…yeah…

The doorbell rings and Jacoby gets up and opens the door for him.

CUT TO:

A shot from far away. Someone (the FBI Agents) are spying on the house. You can see Jacoby looking around the guy at the door, to make sure no one sees them.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at the house through the car window.

Romulus

Hahaha…got you now…

CUT TO:

Inside of the house. Jacoby lets Daek in, and Daek sits on the couch across from the couch Thoren is sitting on. Daek has sunglasses on.

Daek

Jacoby, Thoren. How’s it going?

 

Jacoby

Pretty good, pretty good…want some?

Jacoby waves his hands down toward the Cheez-Its and Sugar.

Daek

No, thanks anyway. I gotta drive home you know. I don’t wanna fall into a Sugar trip or a Cheese Odyssey while I’m driving on the Freeway. Anyway, down to business. I need 3 kilos of Sugar, and 45 boxes of Cheez-Its by tonight.

 

Thoren

3 KILOS!? 45 BOXES?! That’s enough for a whole country!

 

Daek

Exactly. I recently found out that Mexico doesn’t get Any Cheez-Its, and most of their sugar is really bad.

 

Jacoby

That’s not a lot of time.

 

Daek

If you can’t supply me by then, tell me now, I’ll look for someone else.

Jacoby

We’ll do it. Don’t be thinking we’re amateurs.

Daek nods his head and smiles. He looks over to the TV.

Daek

What are you WATCHING?

CUT TO:

The TV. There’s 2 guys playing Patty Cake.

CUT TO:

Thoren shielding his eyes.

Thoren

AGH! NICK JUNIOR! I will be forever scarred.

Jacoby

Change the channel, fool!

CUT TO:

The TV again. Its on another show. The title displays: DR. DAVE

Dr. Dave

Hi, my name is Dr. Dave, and this is Dr. Dave. This is the show where I listen to your sob stories and tell you stop doing the things you’re doing wrong and if you succeed, I’ll show the story about how you succeeded and if you fail, don’t be expecting a call back.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren look at each other.

Jacoby

I think that’s enough TV for today.

 

Daek

I must be going now.

Daek gets up and leaves.

CUT TO:

Outside shot of Daek coming out of the house. He gives an “OK” sign toward the camera.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at Damian

Romulus

They took the bait! Now there’ll be agents swarming all around the place in 10 minutes. But I ain’t waiting that long.

Romulus takes out his gun and cocks it.

Damian

Uh, Romulus…shouldn’t we wait for-

 

Romulus

NO! And if anybody asks, they fired on us first, and it went into the air. Let’s go.

Romulus and Damian put ski masks on, and get out of the car.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren come out of the house.

Thoren

Where are we going to get all of those illegal items in such a short amount of time?

 

Jacoby

I know a guy. His name is Ralph. Over at Ralph’s is where we’ll get it all.

Music starts playing, as a slow motion shot of Jacoby and Thoren start walking toward the car. The shots go back and forth between them walking, and Damian and Romulus behind their car. Romulus is counting on his fingers, and once he says three, they run out from behind the car, with their guns firing toward Jacoby and Thoren. Jacoby and Thoren get into the car quickly, and drive away. Damian stands in the middle of the street stamping his feet on the ground.

Damian

NOOOO! NO NO NO NO!!

 

Romulus (off screen)

Damian! GET IN THE CAR!

Damian gets into the car, and they drive off after them.

CUT TO:

Another residential street. Reganald is there alone in the middle of the street, screaming.

Reganald

I’M GONNA DIE! AHHHH!!!

There’s no cars coming at all.

Reganald

….

Then Jacoby’s car comes out from behind a corner. Since Reganald was in the way, Jacoby stopped the car right at him. Jacoby turns the car off and gets out of the car.

Jacoby

REGANALD! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

 

Thoren

JACOBY, NOT NOW! THE FBI IS AFTER US!

Jacoby doesn’t listen to Thoren, and Jacoby starts punching Reganald. The FBI agents stop right behind the car and get out.

Romulus

FREEZE!!!

 

Damian

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Thoren gets out of the car and goes next to Jacoby. Reganald is on the floor knocked out, and both Jacoby and Thoren look at Romulus and Damian.

Romulus

Hahaa…running from the FBI…that’s a 3 year minimum. You’re goin away for a loooong time.

 

Damian

Hope you like toss salad!

CUT TO:

Thoren whispering to Jacoby

Thoren

I don’t like toss salad, Jacoby.

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. We’ll be sitting back home watching mindless programming soon enough. Take their guns away from them….NOW!

Thoren and Jacoby charge Romulus and Damian, and they get into a fist fight. Both of their guns drop onto the floor. After a lot of dramatic fighting, Romulus and Damian prevail and get their guns. Romulus points it at Jacoby.

Romulus

Where you’re going, you’ll be having roasted wieners everyday.

Romulus shoots Jacoby, and Jacoby falls down.

Thoren

Jacobyyyyy!!! Noooo!!!

Romulus and Damian point their guns toward Thoren and shoot Thoren. He falls too. Romulus turns to Damian.

Romulus

Good job. Wanna get some doughnuts?

 

Damian

Sure.

CUT TO:

A focus in on both Jacoby and Thoren’s faces. Emotional music plays, as it fades out.

Narrator

Yes, it’s a very sad thing. Through all they’ve been through and all they’ve shown us, we have one thing to learn from their deaths. If you deal, you gamble with your life. It’s a sad thing too. Thoren never got to play Mortal Kombat Racing, and Jacoby never got to taste the greatness that is KFC Chicken.

CUT TO:

Romulus and Damian sitting outside the doughnut shop on the curb.

Damian

Romulus…I feel bad about what we did.

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it, we’re FBI Agents.

 

Damian

But still…

 

Romulus

Please, spare me your moral speech, its time to dance!

A song starts playing, and everyone starts dancing, as the credits roll.

FADE OUT.

 

Gullah Gullah LA

(theme song, sung to Gullah Gullah Island theme song)

Come and let’s play together,

In the bright, sunny desert

Lets all go to-

Gullah Gullah LA-AA!

Lots to steal and to do

Where all the molesters

Come to steal our kids

Lets-all-go-to!

Gullah Gullah LA-AAA!

Gullah Gullah!

Gullah Gullah in an apartment building!

(end of song)

(scene starts out focused on an eviction notice. It says: )

Eviction Notice from Gullah Gullah Police Department

You must leave within 30 days or we will bust shit up

(the door with the eviction notice opens, and the members of the family come out with suitcases)

(Mama Gullah, Papa Gullah, Garret Gullah, Sara Gullah, and Froggy Gullah go outside)

Mama Gullah: say goodbye to our home, family

Garret Gullah: I don’t wanna leave!

Sara Gullah: waaaaah! (cries)

Froggy Gullah: hop!

(Froggy Gullah is wearing an Indiana Jones hat)

Papa Gullah (from the minivan): common guys, L.A.’s just around the corner!

Mama Gullah: don’t lie to the children like that, you KNOW its across a whole ocean.

Papa Gullah: that’s why were’ going to sing a song while we drive through the ocean!

(music starts playing, and Mama Gullah bursts out into a solo)

Mama Gullah: lots of adventures and lesson await while we drive through the ocean-wide ocean! Once we get to a beach in L.A., we’ll run over a surfer or twooooooo-oooooooh!

(music picks up the beat)

Papa Gullah: so lets all say goodbye and get on with our lives! We’ll leave this 8 mile wide multiracial, equal island, and go to a million mile wide city, with racist gangsters everywhere we goooo!

(Papa Gullah gets out of the minivan as he holds the note on “gooo”)

(the children, frog, and mama dance harmoniously with papa at the same time. Papa Gullah opens the sliding minivan door and everyone piles in, except for Mama Gullah, she dances around the van and gets in the passenger seat)

Papa: off we go!

(music ends)

(Papa stops in front of a trailer home)

Garret Gullah: what are we doing here, Papa?

Papa Gullah: I need to get something from my old pal Rod…

(Papa Gullah pulls down the visor and gets a baseball bat)

Papa Gullah: Papa will be right back

Mama Gullah: Papa, give him a good swing for me

Papa Gullah: ok, dear.

(Papa Gullah gets out of the car and walks toward the trailer home)

Garret Gullah: what’s swing?

Mama Gullah: a type of music. Listen.

(pretty soon after Papa goes to the trailer home, you can hear screams and vases shattering)

Garret Gullah: wow! Swing sounds good!

(in a couple minutes Papa Gullah runs out and gets in the minivan)

Papa Gullah: go go go!

(the minivan drives off into the ocean)

(the scene cuts to the minivan driving out of the ocean at Huntington Beach)

(the minivan has seaweed all over it, and as they drive up, they run over a surfer)

Babe (off screen): Charlieeee! —NOOOOOO!!! Whooda thunk he’d be run over by a car in the ocean?

(suddenly lots of people with shotguns ran up to the minivan)

Papa Gullah: oh shit! it’s a gang!

Garret Gullah: what’s a shit?

Mama Gullah: shut the fuck up!

(the guys with shotguns shoot all of them the end. This sucks. I hate Gullah Gullah Island. Good riddance, I’m glad they cancelled that show)